by Hannah Ford
“I’m not the one who works some job where they treat me like shit, and then lives in an apartment my Dad walks into whenever he wants and talks to me like I’m a child,” Zack said. “That sounds like someone who’s scared to me.”
“You’re so cruel,” I whispered. “And I don’t think I want to be around you anymore,” I said.
I waited for him to say something, anything. He just stood there, his green eyes flat and cool.
Fine. This needed to end, and now it has.
I turned around and walked away from him then, surprised at just how badly it hurt inside to realize that it really was ending so quickly. Of course, I’d known that this would be a fleeting, passing encounter—everything about Zack made that all too apparent.
But this was just…such a pitiful finale.
I felt like I wanted to burst into tears but kept it inside as I left his apartment. I wanted for him to chase after me, call my name—I knew that I would happily come back if he asked me to, despite my bravado.
The truth was that my feelings had been hurt when he’d shown such little willingness to tell me even a shred of detail about his life. But nevertheless, I didn’t want to lose him so quickly, and if he’d come after me I would have stopped my progress for the exit.
But he didn’t come, and so I didn’t stop walking, just slowed long enough to take my purse with me.
Soon, I was out in the street, and alone.
ZACK
It’s time to let her go.
My entire body went rigid with revolt as she walked away from me, and I wanted nothing more than to go after her, take her in my arms, tell her everything would be okay.
Tell her that I’d explain everything, let her in completely, because she deserved it.
Except I knew that was never going to happen, because my life was finished and the last thing I would do was drag someone like Caeli down into the abyss with me.
I heard the door slam and I felt like I wanted to puke.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
The pain in my gut and chest was intense, almost enough to cut off my breath. If I’d known that I was going to catch real feelings for this girl, I never would’ve gone near her. Not that I had been able to stop in any case.
But this was better. She was walking away from me, and I knew that she was right to do so.
I had been a bastard when she’d merely been asking normal questions like the intelligent girl she was. And I’d brushed her questions and concerns aside because I knew that I could never open that door again.
My entire life had become about forgetting exactly the things she wanted to know. Maybe the thing with Caeli and I could have gone on a bit longer if that idiot Lance hadn’t shown up at my door mouthing off.
When would they all stop chasing me, stop haunting me?
In the distance, I heard explosions and gunfire, and I closed my eyes, swaying a little on my feet.
I could smell the smell again.
I could taste and smell the acrid scent of smoke and flame and charred flesh in the air. The smell and taste of death.
The body parts on the ground.
Pieces of my friends around me, strewn about like garbage.
“Fuck this.” I opened my eyes and blinked. Hot rage raced up and down my spine and I walked to the bathroom, stripped down, got into the shower and put the water on ice cold. I stood beneath it, shouting, as the pain of the cold water overwhelmed, for just a moment, the cold loss of everything I’d ever held dear.
I got out of the shower, soaking wet, no towel, and walked to the refrigerator, grabbed a six pack and sat down at the kitchen table, cracked my first brew.
It was morning.
I didn’t give a flying fuck.
If you’re falling in love with that girl, soldier, than you’ve truly malfunctioned.
No, Sir. This soldier has taken care of the situation.
I downed the first beer in short order.
After the second and third beers, my head was a little fuzzier. After the fourth and fifth, I was pleasantly buzzed and the image of Caeli Powers was slightly fading in my mind’s eye, which was just what I was after.
When I finished my sixth beer, I got up, wobbling ever so slightly. I walked to the fridge and grabbed another six pack. After I pulled the beer out of the case, I slammed the door shut, and it bounced back open from the force of it. I slammed the door again and again and then I punched the refrigerator so hard that the entire thing shook.
“You stupid fuck,” I said, and I could hear the slur of my words.
I stumbled out of the kitchen, moved to the couch and began consuming more beer.
The anger coursing through my body wasn’t something I could deal with. I wished I’ve never laid eyes on that girl, wished I’d never seen her.
I needed to forget she ever existed.
Needed to wipe her clean out of my head.
By the time I was done with the last six-pack of beer, I was passing out, facedown on the couch.
And still, the last thing I thought of before losing consciousness, was her smiling face.
CAELI
I was walking a long time, not wanting to call anyone or talk to anyone about what had happened to me the last two days.
So I just walked, knowing that eventually I’d get back to my apartment.
I was in no rush to get back there. In fact, I was in no rush to get back to anything resembling my life.
Zack’s penetrating, cruel words were still ringing in my ears as I walked those miles and miles.
He’d been right that I was working a job where people treated me like crap and staying in an apartment where my father waltzed in and acted like I was still a child.
Meanwhile, I was the one who’d been cleaning up his and my mother’s mess that they’d made of their finances.
It was because of them that I had to stop going to school and work for my uncle, pay them rent, all of it to help bail them out of the spot that their bad decisions had gotten them into in the first place.
And the only reason I was doing that was exactly what Zack had accused me of being—I was simply scared.
I was scared to defy them.
I was frightened of being hated by my parents for acting ungrateful and going on with my life when they were on the brink of losing everything.
But did helping them mean I had to work for my asshole of an uncle and his cretin sons? Did I have to live in my parents’ property and pay their rent just because they had bought a place they couldn’t afford and couldn’t find tenants for?
How did it all become my problem?
As I walked, the questions just circled and tormented me, right along with Zack’s eyes and his voice still crystal clear in my mind.
I wished that I hadn’t been pushy.
I wished I had just one more night in his arms.
Someone honked as they approached me while I walked on the side of the busy street. I was used to it, cars had been honking occasionally.
But this car slowed down as it went by me, and I realized that it was a police cruiser.
“Shit,” I muttered. After the other night, I didn’t relish seeing any more local cops.
And then my worst fear was realized, as Jamie Grubbs stepped out of the police cruiser, hitching his belt and smiling at me as he approached. “Hey, fancy seeing you here, Powers,” he said, approaching.
“Yeah, imagine that,” I said, trying to keep the frustration out of my voice. I literally would have rather seen anyone step out of that car than Jamie.
“What’s going on?” Jamie said. “Where’s your car?”
“It’s home.”
“You doing the walk of shame or something?” he asked, and he seemed to grin, but his eyes looked harsh as he said it.
“None of your business,” I replied curtly.
He flinched. “Hey now, what’s with the ‘tude?”
“Sorry, I’m just tired. I’m not that far from home.”
“You’re a few
miles yet,” he said, shaking his head slowly. “You sure you’re okay, kiddo?” He stepped forward and reached out, putting his palm on my shoulder, dirty-fingernails still clearly in evidence.
“I’m fine, I promise.”
His hand lingered. His eyes softened. “Caeli,” he said, “why don’t you come let me give you a lift home, huh?”
I looked down at his hand and tried not to squirm. “I really don’t mind the fresh air.”
“Come on, don’t be silly,” he replied, and began guiding me toward the cruiser.
I didn’t want to, but then I thought—why not take the ride? It would get it over with, and my feet were starting to get quite sore.
We walked to the cruiser and got inside.
It smelled of coffee and stale air, and maybe a hint of sweat. Jamie turned the sound down on his police radio, giving me a wink and a sly grin.
My skin crawled. I suddenly wanted very much to get out of the car.
“You warm enough in that skirt?” he asked, adjusting the temperature.
“Yup.” I nodded, pretending not to want to jump out of the car screaming.
He turned toward me, looking into my eyes. “I’m a little worried about you, kiddo.”
“I’m the same age as you, Jamie.” I tried to smile, but it was getting tougher.
His eyes crinkled around the edges. “You know, I always felt like we had a connection. I mean, we were good friends. Remember?”
“Sure. Of course we were. But we were little kids.”
“I’d like to think we still are friends.” He stared at me and I got a strange feeling in my belly.
Run. Leave. Get out of the car now.
“We’re still friends, of course,” I lied. “But we just have lives now, we’re adults.”
He laughed, nodding. “Heck, I think about those days a lot, though. Think about you a lot,” he said, licking his lips, and now his mustache was slick with his spittle.
I felt nauseous.
“Thanks,” I said. “Well, should we get going?”
“You’re in a big hurry for someone who was just hoofing it.”
“I figure the way we’re going, I might have been faster if I’d just kept walking.”
He grinned. “Gosh, you’re funny. Always were, too.” He leaned forward and his hand snaked towards my bare leg. “Most girls as pretty as you aren’t funny at all.”
I slid my leg away. “Maybe I’m not as funny as you think.”
“You’re also pretty sexy, Caeli. I never told you that, but it’s true.”
“Jamie—“ I said, trying to pre-empt this sad attempt he was making.
“Hold on, just listen for half a second, Caeli. Dammit, I’ve always liked you and I never had the fucking balls to just tell you. You know, I had a feeling you might’ve felt something for me too, but we were both insecure kids.”
I shook my head. “Friends, Jamie—“
“I know, I know,” he said, his hand snaking out again and grabbing my bare thigh under my skirt.
“Don’t do this—“
“Caeli, now, come on. We all know you’re not some pure white as snow girl,” he said.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Jamie’s eyes intensified. “You don’t have a clue how long I’ve wanted to touch you,” he said, and then he was moving across the seat and his body was pressing towards me, his hands groping, grabbing at my breasts and legs, his lips coming into contact with my cheek as I turned.
“Jamie!” I shouted. “Stop it! No!”
“Why?” he shouted in my face, his coffee breath rank and hot. “What is wrong with you, you fucking cunt?”
I sat there, rigid. “Let me out of this car.”
“Powers,” he said, leaning towards me once more.
I turned and slapped him viciously hard across his face. He grunted and then his wide eyes glared at me as the palm print appeared.
“I don’t want you, Jamie. I don’t. Just leave me alone.”
He sneered. “You just assaulted a cop, you dumb bitch.” And then he grabbed his handcuffs.
“You’re kidding me, right?”
“No, Caeli Powers. I am not kidding you, not one bit,” he replied, and then he began reading me my rights. And then he handcuffed me and put me in the back of the cruiser and drove to the station.
The funny thing was, I was just relieved that he hadn’t ever managed to kiss me on the lips.
***
A couple hours later, my father was at the station talking to Jamie.
I could see them speaking from my cell, where I’d been for the last two hours. My blood boiled. I hadn’t called my father, and yet here he was.
Because of Jamie.
After a few minutes, Jamie walked to the cell and unlocked it. “You’re being released,” he said. “Luckily for you, we’ve been friends a long time, Caeli. Maybe next time you’ll think twice before you just lash out at a police officer.”
I stood there, my fists clenching, heart pounding. “You just tried to cover your own ass,” I whispered, “and don’t think I’m going to forget what you did to me.”
He held up his hands and stepped back, turning his head towards my father. “She’s so angry,” he said. “God only knows what’s sparked this attitude change.”
“Oh, I think I have a pretty good idea,” my dad said, as he stood there, hands stuffed in his pants pockets.
My lips pursed angrily, I walked past Jamie out of the jail cell.
“Next time, I won’t be able to pull strings like this,” Jamie called out.
I managed to bite my tongue and not say everything I wanted to say. For now I was just glad to be out of jail and away from him.
We left the police station and my father followed me down the steps as I moved quickly, almost leaving him behind. “Hey,” he said. “Caeli, slow down right now.”
I turned and looked at him. “You have no idea what really happened,” I said.
He stopped walking and looked at me. “Jamie said you struck him. Is that true?”
“He was trying to grope me,” I replied.
My father seemed to take this in, his brow lowering. “Caeli, that’s a pretty big accusation to make.”
“The guy is a perv, Dad. He’s always been half a stalker, and today he went full out. When he wouldn’t stop, I slapped him.”
“You did, huh?”
“Yeah, I did.”
My father sighed. “Look, let’s just go home. I’m tired of fighting. It seems like all I do lately is fight.”
We walked to his car and got inside. The familiar smells of cigarettes and cinnamon gum and even my mother’s perfume greeted my nostrils. “Where’s Mom?” I asked, as he started the car.
“She’s home sleeping.”
I knew what that meant. They’d probably had another big argument. I wondered how many times they could fight like this and still keep going.
For the first time in awhile, I looked at my father’s worn, haggard face and felt pity. He was always so big, larger than life, but lately as he got older and the world wore him down, he seemed to be somehow shrinking and fading before my eyes.
“I’m sorry if I caused you any problems, Dad.”
He pulled the car out of the lot and into the street. “I don’t know what’s going on with you lately, Caeli. I had half a mind to tell Jamie about that new boyfriend of yours. Seems to me that perhaps he’d have been more than interested to find out his name after what went on at the restaurant the other night.”
I fell silent. So my father had finally found out about the fight that had started all of this trouble.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Are you still with him?”
“No,” I said, simply. But even thinking about Zack Wild made my heart skip a beat and butterflies tumble around inside my belly.
I missed him so badly, which made almost no sense.
My father sighed. “Your uncle’s agreed to give you another chanc
e and let you have your job back, Caeli. And I’m willing to let you continue to stay in the apartment—“
“Thanks a lot,” I said, my tone sarcastic.
He flashed his patented glare at me. “What’s that supposed to mean, young lady?”
“Come on, Dad,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“I know you think that your mother and I are the cause of all your problems,” he said, “but the truth is more complicated than that.”
“Just don’t act like it’s some big favor.”
His cheeks flushed. “You’ve been getting mighty big for your britches, Caeli. I’m not sure what the hell’s gotten into you.”
“Maybe I’m just tired of apologizing for things I didn’t do.”
His hands visibly tightened on the wheel. “Or maybe you have some apologies to make and you know it.”
I glared at him. “I’m not the one who made bad decisions and almost lost my house, and I’m not the one guilting his daughter into paying off his debts.”
“You have some nerve talking to me like that.”
I just stared out the window. “We probably shouldn’t talk about this right now,” I said. “It’s not a good time.”
“Clearly,” my father snorted.
And we didn’t talk the rest of the way.
He dropped me off at my apartment and rolled down his window as I was walking back to the house.
“So should I tell Uncle Billy you’re going to be at work tomorrow night?” he called out to me.
I turned and nodded without saying a word, and then I headed into my apartment. As quickly as my new life had begun, it was over.
Zack was gone.
I was back in my parents’ apartment, back at my crappy job working for my uncle and his horrible sons.
Everything had stayed the same, as I’d always known it must.
ZACK
I woke up feeling like someone just chewed me up and spit me out into the garbage. My stomach curdled and I got up, walked to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and washed my face.
“Shit,” I said, staring at my bloodshot eyes in the mirror.
Immediately, I thought of Caeli Powers, remembered her smile, the smell of her skin. I wanted to punch the mirror, smash the shards all over the place.