by Beth Rinyu
“I will. Thank you, Tisha, for everything. Nicole really looks up to you,” my mother said.
I fought with everything I had to open my eyes when I felt my mother’s lips on my forehead. “How are you feeling?” she asked.
“Tired and sore.”
“Yeah, well that won’t last for long.” She gently pushed my hair from my face and caressed my cheek. I could see the tears filling up in her eyes. “I love you so much, Nicole.”
“I love you too.” She took my hand in hers and held it tightly. I closed my eyes and fell into a much needed, deep sleep.
I awoke to total darkness. I didn’t know where I was. I rubbed my belly like I always would when I had woken up in the middle of the night for these past nine months. There was nothing there. My baby was gone. Who took my baby? I sat up and felt an aching pain between my legs. My eyes began to adjust to the darkness and I was able to make things out. Once I had awoken a little bit more, I realized I was in my hospital bed. My baby was really gone. It wasn’t some horrible nightmare. I slid back down in my bed and began to sob, rubbing my belly once again, hoping to feel a little kick to let me know that everything was going to be okay. I was alone. Empty. Never again would I feel the fluttering of him moving around inside of me. I buried my face in my pillow to muffle the sounds of my cries. I lifted my head when I saw the light from the hallway shining into my room. One of the nurses came walking in my room. “How are you feeling, honey?” she asked as she checked my IV.
“I’m okay,” I said, wiping the tears from my eyes.
“Are you sure? Can I get you anything? Do you need to use the bathroom?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“Well, if you need anything just hit the call button.”
I nodded. She was almost out the door. “Is he okay?” I asked.
“Who?” She seemed confused.
“My baby.”
She looked at me sympathetically. “Yes, he’s fine,” she said in a very gentle tone.
“Thanks,” I whispered as I watched her walk out the door. I buried my head into the pillow once again. He was no longer my baby; he belonged to someone else now. I knew that wherever life took me and if I ever did have another child one day, he would always be my firstborn that would live on in my mind, heart, and soul for the rest of my life.
Chapter 45
Dailan
I didn’t sleep for shit. I was too busy thinking about Nicole and the way we had left things last night. I was on my fourth cup of coffee and still feeling like I could fall asleep at any second as I finished preparing all the documents.
“Good morning, Dailan. Did you need me to do anything?” Rachel asked while poking her head into my office.
“No, but come in here for a minute.” I waited for her to sit down before I laid into her. “If you ever do what you did the other night when Nicole called, your ass will be fired.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked, trying to play innocent.
“Don’t play dumb with me, because it’s not going to work. My daughter was in the hospital and I had no clue because you decided that you wanted to play your stupid little games with Nicole.”
“I’m sorry. I was so drunk that I don’t even remember doing that.”
“Yeah, well then maybe you should think twice about drinking, especially when you’re away on business. I told you before, you and I don’t have to like one another on a personal level. As long as you do your job, I won’t have a problem with you. But fuck with my family and then we’re going to start having a major problem.”
Her jaw dropped and I saw her eyes begin to fill with tears. “I’m sorry. Is your daughter okay?”
“You don’t need to know anything about my daughter; she’s not your concern. Just start working on the deposition that I left on your desk.”
“Yeah, sure,” she said as she walked out the door.
I stayed in my office for the entire morning with the door closed. I kept getting distracted every time I would look at Nicole’s and my wedding picture on my desk. It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours and I missed her so much. I was broken from my trance when I heard a knock on my door.
I looked up to find Debbie. “Hey, you got a minute?” she asked.
“Yeah, what’s up?”
She closed the door behind her. “Nothing; I need to escape from Mr. Allan. I want to come back and work for you. He is a major pain in the ass!”
I laughed. “Yeah, well right now Rachel will probably trade with you.”
“Oh, are you the reason that she was crying?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Don’t know and I really don’t care.”
“Yeah, well, Paul is comforting her.” I rolled my eyes. “What’s going on with that?” she asked.
“What do you think?” I asked.
Debbie shook her head. “That’s just wrong on both their parts. There is something about that girl that I just do not like.”
“Yeah, well, call Nicole she could probably give you a million reasons why you shouldn’t like her.”
“Yeah, I noticed that Nicole isn’t the same when Rachel’s around.”
No, she is not. “They went to high school together.”
“Oh, Rachel is a bitch now. I could only imagine what she must have been like in high school!” Debbie took a deep breath and stood up. “Well, let me get back to Hell.” I shook my head and laughed. She turned around when she reached the door. “Dailan?”
“Yeah?”
“Just be careful with Rachel. I don’t know, but something is telling me not to trust her.”
“Yeah, I know.”
Debbie gave me a quick smile before walking out the door.
I looked down at my phone. It was already one o’clock. I sent Nicole a text, asking her how Ella was feeling today. Fine, she immediately texted back. I started to dial her number. I wanted to hear her voice, but I didn’t want to chance getting into another argument with her. So instead, I decided to bury myself back into my work, my whole reason for missing the people I loved so much in the first place.
Chapter 46
Nicole
Three days without Dailan and I was surviving. I missed him to death, but I would never let him know it. He had called or texted each day to see how Ryan and Ella were doing. I would either text back or answer with one-word answers and then give the phone to Ryan so he could talk to him. I was taking Ella to the doctor for her check-up on her ears and then dropping her and Ryan off to have lunch with Dailan.
“Can I just sit out in here and wait?” Ryan asked as he played on his DS when the nurse called Ella back.
“Yeah, we won’t be long.” The nurse brought us back into the room and I did my best to keep a wiggling Ella on my lap. I hated her touching everything in the doctor’s office with all the germs going around. I was so happy when I heard the door open. I was even happier when I saw that our doctor today was Jason.
“Hello, Miss Ella. Are you feeling better today?” he asked. A smile stretched across Ella’s face. “Wow, she has your smile,” Jason said.
“You think? Everyone says how much she looks like my husband.”
“Well, I never saw your husband, but she definitely has your beautiful smile.”
“Well, thanks,” I said.
He looked in Ella’s ears and checked her throat. Much to my surprise, she allowed him to do it without yelling and screaming. “Well, it looks like the antibiotics are working; everything looks great. Just keep on giving them to her until they are done.” I nodded. I picked up Ella before she could go crazy touching anything. “I would really love to get together, Nicole, and catch up,” Jason said.
“That would be great! Actually, Donna and I are getting together for dinner tomorrow night if you’re free. I know it’s short notice.”
“Actually, tomorrow is my first day off in ten days, so that would work out great.” He took out his prescription pad and began to scribble. “Here’s my cell number. Text me the time and
place and I’ll be there. It will be great catching up with you guys.”
“Great!” I said as I took the paper from his hand and he walked us out to the waiting room.
Ryan jumped up and came walking over to us. “Finally!” he said.
“This is Ryan, my son.” Jason looked at me with pure confusion. I nodded, knowing the question that was going through his mind.
“Long story. I’ll explain tomorrow.”
Jason shook Ryan’s hand. “Wow, Ryan, it is an honor to meet you. I knew you back when you lived in your mom’s belly.”
Ryan’s smile widened. “You did?”
“Yup, I was a friend of your mom’s in high school.”
“Cool!” Ryan exclaimed. I said my goodbyes to Jason and we headed out the door.
I arrived at Dailan’s work and said a quick hello to Debbie before she led me back to his office, thankfully not seeing Rachel anywhere in sight. Dailan’s smile was a mile wide when he saw Ryan and Ella, making my breaking heart ache a little more. Ella immediately reached for him. I placed her in his arms and she smothered him in kisses.
“Uncle D, I finally got past that level in this game,” Ryan said as he held up his DS.
“Cool,” Dailan said. The look on his face became much more serious when he turned his attention to me. “How did she make out at the doctor’s?” he asked.
“Fine. Everything looks good.” I was short as usual with him. I could tell that he didn’t appreciate it as he continued to gaze at me like he was waiting for me to elaborate some more. “Well, did you want me to pick them back up or are you just going to drop them off at home?” I asked.
“Hey, why aren’t you coming with us?” Ryan asked.
“Umm –”
“You can come with us,” Dailan said.
“I think it’s better if you just spend time with them. Besides, I have some errands I need to run.”
Ryan sighed. “Hey, Ryan, I just refilled the candy bowl on my desk,” Debbie said as she poked her head in. Ryan looked up at me for approval.
“Go ahead, but don’t eat any until you’re done with your lunch.” I watched as he hurriedly followed Debbie out the door, leaving me alone with Dailan and Ella.
“Maybe I’d like to spend some time with you too,” Dailan said.
I shook my head. “Somehow, I don’t think so.”
“Why do you think that, Nicole?”
“Because if that were the case, then you wouldn’t have left.”
He moved closer to me and pushed my hair from my face. “Nicole, I just need you to understand. This has nothing to do with how I feel about you. I love you with all my heart.” He pressed his lips to my forehead and my heart began to melt.
“Dailan, I finished up with – ” I turned around to find Rachel standing in the doorway. “Oops, sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.”
Just when I was starting to feel like Dailan and I were taking even one little baby step forward, she had to bring me five giant steps back. Just seeing her talking to him made my blood boil, especially after what she had done the other night when I tried calling him. “So, you’ll just drop them off at home?” I asked, completely ignoring Rachel.
“Yeah, Nicole. Wait one second.”
“No, I really have to get going.” I gave Ella a kiss goodbye and whisked past Rachel, who was still standing in the doorway.
I said my goodbyes to Ryan and Debbie and headed out the door. I stopped off at the food store to pick up a few things, enjoying being able to take my time without having the stares of the other shoppers on me. I arrived home and sat down to a cup of coffee, just enjoying the peace and quiet. I texted Donna to let her know that Jason would be joining us for dinner tomorrow. She was excited to catch up with him as well. It finally dawned on me that Ella’s birthday was less than two weeks away. With everything going on, I hadn’t even thought about what I was going to do. I still hadn’t told my parents that Dailan was staying with Tommy, although I knew it was just a matter of time before they found out, given my sister’s and Tommy’s relationship, which was still going strong. I owed Dailan’s dad a phone call, which I was avoiding as well. I was quite certain that Dailan hadn’t told anyone. I was broken from my focus when I heard the front door open.
“Hey, Steven’s dad is taking him to the batting cages and wants to know if I can go with,” Ryan said, trying to catch his breath. Steven was our next-door neighbor; he was a year older than Ryan and the two of them had become great friends.
“Sure, as long as it’s okay with his dad.”
“It is!” Ryan said as he darted back out the door.
Dailan came in. Ella was sound asleep with her head resting on his shoulder. He carried her upstairs and put her in her crib.
“Steven’s dad was okay with Ryan going?” I asked Dailan as he came back downstairs.
“Yeah,” Dailan answered.
“So, will you be around on the next couple of weekends? I wanted to plan something for Ella’s birthday.”
“Yeah, just let me know when.” I nodded. “Ryan said Danielle is babysitting them tomorrow night?” Danielle was the college girl that lived up the street from us. I would have her babysit for Ryan and Ella from time to time when I was in a pinch.
“Yeah, Donna and I are going out to dinner for a few hours.”
“Well, I can watch them.”
“No, that’s okay. We’ve been trying to get together for a while for dinner and I don’t want to have to cancel out on her at the last minute because you’re stuck at work.”
“Nicole, what time do you need me here by?”
I looked at him with doubt. I knew how he got when he was tied up with work and the last thing I wanted was to get in an unnecessary argument over him not showing up on time. “Six, but really-”
“All right then. I’ll make sure that I’m here by six.” He kissed me softly on the lips. Everything inside of me wanted to pull him closer and kiss him harder. I missed him so much. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I bit my lip and nodded, feeling the all-too-familiar sting of tears in my eyes. He gazed at me for a bit longer with sadness in his eyes and walked out the door. I sat on the couch and pulled my knees to my chest, burying my head into them, finally allowing myself to have a much needed therapeutic cry.
Chapter 47
Nicole
The past…
“A good cry is healthy, Nicole,” Dr. Sullivan, the therapist that Tisha had scheduled me to see, said.
“I know.” I looked away.
“Well, when was the last time you had one?”
“I don’t know,” I lied. I knew exactly when it was. Two weeks ago, lying in my hospital bed and realizing I would never feel my baby moving around inside of me again. I had been crying on the inside every day, never allowing the tears to escape my eyes. Part of me felt like I needed to conceal them to prove to everyone that I was strong. Mostly to prove to my dad that I did do it and I didn’t need his help at all. For some reason, appearing weak to him was my biggest fear. So, I remained stoic on the outside when inside I was a complete mess.
“Nicole, you can cry here. I won’t judge you, I promise.” I bit my lip, feeling the faucets in my eyes slowly turning on. “It’s okay to miss your baby. It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. He was a part of yourself that you gave away. You need to express how that makes you feel. You can’t keep it all inside.”
I felt the first drip rolling down my face. Dr. Sullivan handed me a tissue. “It’s okay, Nicole. Let it all out. Tell me how you feel about yourself?”
“I hate myself!”
“Why?”
“Because, I couldn’t be there for him. I let my baby down. I don’t deserve ever to be happy again. I don’t want to have another baby ever again.”
“Why not?” she pressed on.
“Because it will bring back too many painful memories of the baby that I just gave away.”
“Okay, I understand how you’re feeling-”
“No, you don’t! You can’t possibly know. I was his mother. I was the one person that he should have been able to depend on and instead I just cast him away like he was nothing.” I could hardly breathe though my sobs. “How can I ever forgive myself and go on and live a normal life, like he never existed?” I buried my face into my hands and continued to cry. Dr. Sullivan remained quiet, not trying to console me or intervene in any way. When I finally felt somewhat composed, I looked up at her and wiped my eyes.
“Do you feel a little better?” she asked. Surprisingly, I did. I nodded. “That’s called a therapeutic cry, something I want you to work on doing once a week. Do you think you can manage that?”
I nodded, not wanting her to know that I could manage doing it twenty-four hours a day with the way I had been feeling.
Chapter 48
Nicole
I was in shock when Dailan actually showed up fifteen minutes early to watch Ryan and Ella. I waited outside of the restaurant for Donna and Jason. I saw Donna’s car pulling in and gave her a hug once she reached me. I hadn’t even told Donna about Dailan and me. Jason arrived shortly after and we went inside and got a table. I was having a great time, reminiscing back to the good times that we had in high school, before I had gotten pregnant. We had just gotten our food when Donna’s phone rang. She hung up and looked annoyed. “Damn it. I gotta go. Michael just got called into work, so I gotta get home to the baby.” She got her dinner wrapped up, said her goodbyes, and was out the door.
“So, Nicole, what have you been up to these past ten years?” Jason asked.
I gave him a brief rundown, telling him all about how I had found Ryan.
“Wow, that is an amazing story!”
I smiled. “Yeah, it is.”
“Well, your husband is a really lucky guy.”
I smiled. “So, how come a great guy like you is still on the market?” I asked.
“Well, I was engaged and we called it off.”