“In what way?”
“You were her psychiatrist: It was your job to keep her brain healthy, right? So if it was suicide, then you didn’t do your job very well.”
“That’s an incredibly misinformed thing to say.”
“Is it?”
“Yes. You’ve never seen a psychiatrist, have you?”
“I had a counsellor when I was a kid once. Pretty useless.”
“A counsellor isn’t really the same.”
“I’m sure they don’t get paid as much, that’s for sure.”
He stood up slowly and held an arm out towards the door.
“I’m sorry… Joseph? Is it? I understand this is a troubling time for you but…”
“No. You don’t understand at all. Sit down.”
We stared at each other for a full few seconds. It was not so much a matter of intimidation, as much as it was of seriousness. He smiled slightly.
“I get the impression, Joseph, that you’re someone who can’t leave things unresolved.”
“Who can?”
“True. But you seem almost obsessive.”
He sat down and looked at me, then at his watch.
“Well, I have ten minutes. But I really cannot tell you anything. I’d like to help you, but it would be a huge breach of practice.”
“Don’t think of me as Josie’s boyfriend then. Think of me as an interested student or something.”
“Haha! Very good. Semantics are a great tool in any argument.”
“What are semantics?”
He looked at me curiously.
“I can’t tell you much, but I will say one thing: Josephine’s case was a rather strange one.”
“In what way?”
He put his hand to his face in a thoughtful posture, gauging what he could say.
“Are you interested in advertising?”
“I usually turn over.”
“No, not just TV adverts. Advertising as a concept.”
I thought about it. I wasn’t sure what he was driving at.
“I don’t think so.”
“I’ve written a lot about ethical uses of advertising. And I believe that was the reason Josephine chose me as her psychiatrist.”
“I don’t understand. Was she interested in advertising too?”
“To say anything more would be irresponsible of me.”
“Come on! I need to know! Josie is de-!”
There was a knock at the door.
“Yes?”
Sarah opened the door slowly.
“Dr. Hughton. Mr. Craig is here to see you.”
“Thank you Sarah. Joseph, I’m sorry I couldn’t help you further, but – “
“You’ve got to tell me more.”
“I can’t. Really, I would love to help you, but I cannot.”
The look on his face was calm and assured. I knew he wasn’t going to tell me anything more, even if I begged all evening.
“Ok, fine, but I’ll come back. And I’ll keep coming back until I find out what I need to know.”
I left his office before he could say anything. The blond said goodbye in her formal voice but I swept myself down the stairs and out into the street swiftly. My mind was full of questions, and I was frustrated that I hadn’t been able to get more information out of Dr. Hughton, but I was willing to wait. There were still some other leads I wanted to follow, as well as trying to get that laptop. It was enough, for now, to let him know that I would return. Perhaps when I did, he would have more to say.
The cold was biting as I waited outside the gates making idle chit-chat with parents I knew vaguely. The beginnings of frost were making themselves shown; it was going to be a bitter winter. The school doors opened and amongst the crowd Vicky came out carrying her coat outstretched as if it were a smelly animal.
“What are you playing at? Put your coat on, Vee. It’s freezing.”
“It wasn’t my fault. I dropped it in a puddle.”
“What? Oh Jesus, that’s soaked… On the inside too!”
“It’s not my fault! James pushed me! I was looking that way and then he did this and then…”
“Nevermind. Here, take mine. Give me that.”
“What about you? You’re gonna catch cold now.”
“No I won’t. Not if you make me a cup of tea when we get home.”
“You’re shaking! You look like a ghost.”
She was right; it took only a few seconds before I began shivering.
“I’ll race you to the end of the street. If you beat me I’ll give you piggy back home.”
“One two three go!”
“Wait!”
I let her win so I would have to carry her, hoping the physical exertion would warm me up a little. As I carried her she talked about her day: Painting, the incident with the puddle, and some book about aliens.
“You looking forward to the zoo tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”
“Guess who’s coming?”
“Who? Davy?”
“No.”
“Julie?”
“No, I’ll give you a clue. Rhymes with Veronica.”
She didn’t answer.
“Come on, can’t you guess? Begins with M.”
Again, no answer.
“Monika, silly!”
“Really?!”
“Yeah, I spoke to her today.”
“Awesome!”
I wondered why she hadn’t guessed her name, and figured that she was cautious about mentioning Monika around me. It was the first time I had ever noticed her do that, and it made me a little worried. I couldn’t blame her, but I hated that she felt she couldn’t say something around me. I let it pass, glad that things were good between us again, and that she was happy. I was adamant I wouldn’t let things get worse again.
Chapter 15
The zoo was a washout. As well as the frost which had begun to harden the night before, it rained consistently throughout the day. Vicky, Monika, and I traipsed around the puddle-ridden tarmac paths, between the depressingly empty compounds. Most of the animals were understandably reluctant to come out into the rain, let alone play and interact with us.
It wasn’t too bad though; we spent most of our time in the enclosures, looking at reptiles, exotic birds, and butterflies. Vicky’s enthusiasm was enough for all of us to fight the steep coldness until afternoon, but tiredness set in when the already-grey light began to darken again.
In the reptile house I watched a tortoise move its head as if in slow motion. It was huge, and the weight of its wide, bumped shell seemed impossible. It looked tough enough to take a bullet. I read a plaque which said the tortoise was over a hundred and fifty years old. Stupidly, I wondered what it must be like to live as a tortoise.
“Looks almost as grumpy as you.”
I turned around. Monika was standing beside me.
“Where’s Vicky?”
She gestured towards the end of the enclosure.
“She’s waiting for the dragons to breath fire.”
“We should probably get going after we see the monkeys.”
“Yeah, I think Vicky’s getting a bit tired. It’s freezing. Why did you choose the zoo of all places?”
“I didn’t, Vicky did. I think she’s been reading an animal encyclopaedia.”
The tortoise reared its head towards us and gave us a blank, jaded gaze.
“Are you alright, Joseph?”
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I don’t know. I can never tell what you’re thinking.”
“I’m thinking about this turtle.”
“That’s a tortoise, not a turtle.”
“Same thing.”
“Turtles are the ones that swim.”
“I don’t care what they’re called. Neither does he probably.”
“It’s a she, I think.”
“No, it’s a boy. Says it here.”
I pointed at the plaque. Monika brushed aside some locks that hung from beneath her wool cap and r
ead it.
“So he is.”
I waited for a family to pass by behind us and out of earshot then turned to Monika.
“Are you going to Josie’s funeral tomorrow?”
Monika stood up straight and held her arms tightly folded. She sighed and rolled her eyes.
“Are you still on that?”
“Don’t worry, I’m not going.”
“So why ask? You know I am. I had to arrange some things for it.”
“Just curious.”
The tortoise looked away and began the arduous process of taking a forward step.
“Is that a bump on your head? Have you been fighting?”
“I’m alright.”
“You’re still running around chasing your tail, aren’t you? Honestly, when are you going to move on, Joseph? It’s getting a bit ridiculous now.”
“I told you; when I uncover the truth.”
“Well there’s truth, and there’s looking for things that aren’t there. You can waste your life looking for those.”
“I’ve already found out enough. It’s just a matter of putting it together now.”
“What have you found out?”
I glanced at her. There was a look of pitying kindness in her eyes.
“A lot.”
“Tell me.”
The tortoise finally placed its foot down, and shifted its weight.
“There’s this group of people. Nutjobs; but Josie was interested in them for some reason. I think they believe in these spirits, magic or something. They’re pretty violent—hence the bruise.”
“So of course you think they killed her.”
“Maybe. Do you know her brother?”
“Sebastien?”
“Yeah.”
“She told me about him. He didn’t sound nice. Wait… I think I met him actually. Yeah, I did. He seemed a bit of a sleazebag.”
“He came to see me. Threatened me, then tried to pay me off.”
“Pay you off? What for?”
“To not go to the funeral.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“Did you take it?”
“Course not.”
“How much?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“You think he killed Josie too, then?”
“It’s possible.”
“Right. Who else? Do you think I killed her?”
“You could have.”
“Haha. Ok, you caught me. I’m a serial killer.”
The tortoise raised its other foot.
“Oh my god, you’re serious, aren’t you Joseph? You think I killed her?”
“I didn’t say that. I just said it’s a possibility.”
“How is that a possibility?! My god, Joseph! I tell you what, I want to kill you right now. I can’t believe some of the conversations I have with you. You are genuinely insane, you know that?”
“Calm down. People can hear you.”
“What do you expect? When you accuse me of murder?”
“I didn’t accuse you. Why are you getting so upset?”
She stared at me with wide eyes and open mouth, lost for words.
“I’m… Wow… That’s amazing. I’m… amazed.”
“I don’t really think you killed her. I’m just saying it could be anyone.”
“Oh, thank you. Thanks for thinking I’m ever so slightly too nice to be a murderer—almost. I’m gonna say this to you one more time Joseph, and I pray to god you actually remember it. Josephine was not murdered. She commited suicide. That’s all there is to it. It’s tough, I know, but you have to get over it. All of this theorising you’re doing is pointless. Can’t you see you’re just doing this because you can’t handle it? This isn’t a movie, or some crappy TV drama, people don’t get murdered like that.”
“How do you know?”
“Think about what you’re saying. You’re saying someone planned to kill Josie, did it in such a way so as to make it look like suicide, and got away with it. It doesn’t make any sense. That doesn’t happen.”
“It does happen.”
“How do you know?”
“I know.”
“How?”
“Because I’ve done it myself.”
I watched the tortoise shift its weight again and settle. It reared its head up high and scanned around slowly. I looked at Monika, her face was blank. She was still processing what I had said. I waited for a look of understanding to enter her eyes, but her expression was frozen stiff.
“I’ve done it. I’ve killed someone before. I had a reason, I planned it, and I carried it through. Nobody ever even got close to me. Don’t tell me I’m crazy to think Josie was murdered, because I know more about it than you. I know how fucking easy it is to kill someone. Really, fucking, easy.”
Monika put a trembling hand over her shaking face.
“I don’t know… That’s not funny… Joseph… Tell me you’re joking.”
“Monika,” I pulled her hand away from her face, “look at me. Do I look like I’m joking? You know I’m not. I’ve never even told anyone that before, but it’s the truth.”
“I don’t… How?,,, Who?...”
“Do you really want to know?”
“I don’t even know.”
I looked for Vicky. She was ambling around a few displays further down.
“You ok, Vee?”
“Are you finished?”
“Were you waiting for us?”
“Yeah, let’s go see the monkeys! Come on!”
“Let’s go then! Lead the way.”
I turned to Monika and put my hand on the small of her back, ushering her forward.
“Come on.”
We headed down more rain-soaked paths and eventually saw the monkeys. Monika was detached and quiet for the rest of the day. The monkeys were either hiding away or soaked. The cold seemed to have dampened their spirits. After investigating a few more areas we left the zoo.
Evening drew close and the rain showed no signs of letting up. Vicky wanted to eat at every junk food place we passed, and though I was tempted to get out of the rain as soon as possible, I wasn’t going to feed her that crap. I caught site of a noodle place I had been to before and suggested we grab some to take home.
“No thanks. I should get going anyway. I’ve got to get up early tomorrow for the… you know.”
“What? Now? It’s barely past seven. You’ve still got time.”
“Mon! You can’t go! You still have to…”
Vicky pulled Monika’s arm so she bent over, then she whispered something into Monika’sear. Monika smiled, looked at me, then shrugged.
“Today?”
“Yes!”
“Ok.”
I had no idea what they were talking about. I gave Monika a questioning look.
“Are you eating with us then?”
“Sure.”
We ordered our food then made our way home in the cold. There was still a tension between Monika and me. She could barely look me in the eye, and I kept catching her staring into space. Vicky seemed excited about something however, and the return of her giggling energy displaced the anxiety a little.
Within minutes of entering our apartment, the noodle boxes were sprawled on the coffee table and we were devouring their contents in hungry silence. I opened a cheap bottle of wine we had picked up and handed a glass to Monika.
“Here. You look like you need it.”
She took the glass solemnly and downed it in one. I poured another. When the noodles were almost entirely gone, and we were all sprawled out and sleepy—Monika and I on the couch, Vicky opposite us on the floor—I suggested turning on the television.
“No!” said Vicky, jumping up in front of us. “Are you ready?”
“Ready for what?”
“Just say if you’re ready.”
I looked at Monika.
“I don’t know. Ready for what?”
“Come on! Are you ready or not?”
“We
ll I don’t know what—”
“Ok, you’re ready. Stay there. Just wait.”
Vicky ran out of the room into her bedroom. I turned to Monika again. She smiled at me for the first time since we had left the zoo.
“You’ll like this, Joseph.”
“What’s this about?”
“Just wait and see.”
Vicky ran back into the room and stood in front of us. She was carrying a scarf, a couple of her cuddly toys, the sunglasses Monika’s friend had given her, and various other accessories.
“Ok. Now. This is a play that I wrote, produced, and act in. It’s called the Attack of the Dolphins by Victoria Williamson. Are you ready? Act one, scene one…”
She put the sunglasses on and proceeded to tell a story in which she acted the parts of all characters, occasionally referring to her cuddly toys for support. It was a ridiculously over the top story about vacuums, lawn mowers, and other household appliances becoming giant titans that terrorised New York. Somehow, this also caused global warming to accelerate, putting half the world underwater. In an attempt to fight back, humans enlisted the help of the dolphins, who defeated the giant appliances by finding the plug socket and turning everything off; resulting in complete darkness, and an ending monologue about saving the world.
It was hilarious. I laughed until tears fell from my eyes, and when I stopped laughing the tears were still there. It was like watching Vicky grow up years beyond herself instantaneously. She knew just how to make me laugh, and hammed it up with all the self-awareness of someone three times her age. I was blown away; beyond proud. When she’d finished, and I had exclaimed how impressed I was, I excused myself to go to the toilet. I returned, and she was eager to do it all again. I was more than willing to oblige, and laughed just as much the second time round.
“That was brilliant, Vee.”
“Did you like it?”
“I loved it! Why didn’t you tell me you were making a play?”
“I didn’t know if you’d like it.”
“Of course I liked it! I had no idea you were doing that. You’re a little superstar!”
I had almost forgotten Monika was there, until she chimed in also with her praise. We ended up chatting about it for a while. Apparently, Monika and Vicky had both already spoken at length about Vicky’s little play, and about how she would go about becoming a Hollywood star. At times I felt like I had been away on holiday and missed out on a lot that had happened, what with the way they referenced things they had spoken about already.
Delete-Man: A Psychological Thriller Page 15