by Kristy Love
“If there was a dog or cat, she’d squeal with joy and immediately want to become best friends with the animal. They gravitated toward her. I wondered if they sensed her gentle, loving soul because even the surliest dogs rolled over and showed her their belly, wanting the love that only Gia could provide. If there was a bird, she’d gasp, hands covering her mouth in wonder. She’d whisper, ‘Look, Mama, a birb.’”
She sniffled, the words seeming to get caught in her throat. She kept her eyes glued to mine and I never looked away, even though the raw pain in them was hard to take in. I seemed to provide her enough strength to continue after a few shaky breaths. “Every creature was beautiful and lovely to her. Every second of her life was filled with wonder and amazement. Dr. Seuss was her favorite author and she could listen to his stories on an endless loop. She loved painting and drawing—mostly animals—and singing. She was always singing. She had a potty song and a song for eating dinner. She had a song I needed to sing when brushing her teeth and bathing her. She’d hum along and smile radiantly.
“Gia’s soul was so pure, so full of love and life. I wish she had been able to live to her full potential. She would have brought so much happiness to the world.” She paused to gather her composure. “I know she’s in a better place where she’s not stuck in a hospital bed. She can finally live and not just exist. I hope I can live on in her memory and do even a fraction of the good that she was meant to do.”
Her eyes fell to Gia, tears sliding down her cheeks. “Gia, I’m so sorry Mama didn’t protect you enough. I’d trade places with you in a moment if it meant you could be here right now. I love you. God, I love you so much it hurts. And not a second of a single day will go by that I don’t miss you so much it’s a physical ache. I hope you look down on your mama and are proud, because I was proud of you. Every minute of every day, I was proud of you.” She walked over to the casket. “I love you, my beautiful butterfly girl. Fly home, okay?” Her words echoed through the church again, ensuring there wasn’t a dry eye in the entire place. Even the pastor wiped his eyes. I sniffled, fighting the urge to run to her and scoop her up in my arms.
The rest of the service was a blur as I kept my gaze trained on Mia. It was torture on her, burying her baby girl. I felt so powerless, so weak. I couldn’t save her from this pain.
Back at David’s, there was a luncheon afterward. I hung back, watching the line of well-wishers greet Mia over and over again. Friends and acquaintances hugged her, gave her words of sympathy and encouragement, told her how much her speech had touched them. I overheard Tammy telling Mia about the support group she went to and how it helped her cope with Duncan’s death. Mia listened, but didn’t seem to absorb it. Her eyes were wide and far away, as though she couldn’t take in everything happening around her.
When I finally spotted her alone and fussing with her dress, smoothing it over and over, I pushed away from the wall and made my way over to her. “You okay?” I asked, my voice quiet.
“I’m not sure.”
“It’ll be harder tomorrow. The planning is over; the guests will be gone.”
“That’s what I’ve heard.”
“You have a lot of good people around you, though. You’re not alone in this.”
She nodded, her eyes scanning the room as if she were adding up everyone who was here for her and would be here after all of this was over. “I know.”
“I’m here for you, too.” My hand brushed against her elbow. Goosebumps broke out across her skin.
“I know. Thank you.”
I smiled and stepped back a little, giving her space as more people came up to talk to her.
I hung out in the background, glancing over at her to make sure she was okay. When people started leaving, I said my goodbyes and left, worry eating at my stomach. I wasn’t sure how she would handle all of this afterward. It was easy to get lost in the details, but the realness of the loss sunk in once the funeral was over.
At home, I tried to distract myself from Mia. I hoped she was okay and handling everything as well as she could. When I saw her headlights pull into her driveway, I fought the urge to go to her. I wanted her to reach out to me, but I didn’t want to intrude on her grief if she didn’t want me there.
After a half hour, I couldn’t take it anymore. I slipped out of my house and over to hers. Her front door was unlocked, as though she wanted me over. I went upstairs and opened her bedroom door. She was curled in the middle of the bed, sobs wracking her body and shaking the bed. The TV flickered across her, making the scene even more sad.
I crawled into bed with her, holding her close. She latched onto me, clutching my shirt as she cried into my chest.
“Roman, it hurts so much.”
“I know. I’m here.” I closed my eyes, her pain making my own eyes water. It was so hard to see her ache this way. I would take it away in a heartbeat. After what felt like hours of her crying in my arms but was really several minutes, she tipped her face up to mine, tears glistening on her cheeks. Her eyes were so raw and vulnerable and full of pain that they hurt to look at. She moved up closer to me and kissed me, hard.
“Make the pain stop,” she muttered against my lips.
“Are you sure?”
“I want to forget for awhile.”
I let her lead the way. I didn’t want to take advantage of her and I wasn’t sure what she wanted. Did she want me to kiss her until she fell asleep? Did she need to feel alive after all the death that had surrounded her for days?
Her hands roamed my torso, skating over my flesh before she yanked my shirt off. She kissed her way down my chest, pressing her cheek against me. My heart raced in my chest, as it did every time she was near me. I craved her, but I didn’t want to push her too far. She flicked her tongue against my stomach and I closed my eyes, fighting a groan. I didn’t want her to think I was pressuring her. If she wanted to get me horny as hell and then go to sleep, I was totally fine with it. She needed to deal with her grief in whatever way was best for her.
Before long, she was kissing me passionately, straddling my hips. Her shirt was off and she took my hands and pressed them against her breasts. “Touch me,” she breathed. I listened to her, reveling in the smooth skin and the way she responded to me. I could feel her heart beating violently in her chest. “It feels so good when you touch me. I remember I’m alive.” She leaned down and kissed me harder, taking my breath away.
She took my pants off as well as her own and settled over top of me. “I want you,” she said, her eyes searching mine.
“Are you sure?” I felt like a broken record, but I didn’t want her to regret this. I never wanted her to regret anything between us. Sometimes sex made people feel alive, especially after such a hard loss, but was this the right thing to do? I was out of my element, not sure what the right course of action was. Should I listen to her and risk her regretting it all? Or should I stop this and potentially hurt her more than she was already hurting?
It was hard to think clearly with the amount of blood flooding my southern region instead of my brain.
“I want to feel good. I want to feel alive. You do that for me.” She took away the decision as she slid down on me. I closed my eyes, pressed my head against the pillow, and groaned. Fuck, she felt so good.
I grabbed her hips and looked up at her, so sexy on top of me. Her eyes were full of desire, though laced with sorrow. She gazed down on me as though I was all she needed, and my heart pounded in my chest. “Take what you need, Mia.”
She moved. God, did she move. I could barely keep up. She rocked furiously on top of me, moaning and swirling her hips in ways that felt so good I could barely hold myself together. I wanted her to take the pleasure she needed, but it was so hard to not lose myself.
Eventually, she cried out and I let myself tip over the edge of pleasure with her, surprised at the force of my own climax. She collapsed atop me, breathing hard. Her breathing became deeper, more even, as if she were falling asleep. I slid her off me and went in
to the bathroom to clean myself up. I grabbed a warm washcloth and returned to clean her. She smiled lazily before falling asleep. I curled up with her, holding her tight, drinking in the scent of her and falling asleep beside her.
I woke up slowly, my arms still tight around Mia. We hadn’t moved in our sleep and were still entwined. She stirred and rolled over to face me and smiled sleepily. Her eyes were still puffy and red.
“Morning, beautiful,” I said, brushing some hair off her face. My heart ached with how much I cared about her.
“Hey.” She tried to smile, but her lips wobbled “Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah.” I said, my voice still thick with sleep. I clutched her closer to me. “I could sleep next to you forever.” Tears clouded her eyes again and she looked away. “Are you okay?” She nodded and got up, going into the bathroom. I laid there, waiting for her to come back. I felt the distance grow between us as if she’d put up an invisible wall, keeping me a whole continent away. When she came back, she pulled on clothes, not looking at me. I couldn’t let this silent treatment go. I needed to confront her distancing me and get her to come back. I popped up on an elbow. “What’s going on?”
“I can’t do this, Roman.”
“Do what? Talk?”
“Be with you. I can’t do it.” Her words came out forceful and strong. They stung. No, they more than stung. They fucking burned.
“What?” I sat up, not able to comprehend the words she was saying.
“I think you should go. This won’t work out.”
“Mia, calm down.” What had happened? She’d gone from smiling sleepily in my arms to telling me to leave? “I’m sorry if you regret what happened last night. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You didn’t upset me. It was fine.”
Fine? How many words could she hurl at me today to just plain hurt? “Then what’s wrong?”
“Why’d you come here last night?”
“I thought you might need someone to be there for you.”
“I don’t need you to save me, Roman!” she yelled, the force of the words catching me off guard. “Take your hero complex somewhere else. I’m not interested.”
“What the fuck, Mia?” I climbed out of the bed and pulled on my pants.
“Are you hoping to undo your mistakes with me? You couldn’t save Laura, so you figured you’d take a crack at poor, lonely, broken Mia Abernathy? Do you need to be the hero so badly that you’d stay even when you aren’t wanted?”
I stared at her, trying to figure out what the hell was happening. “You’re hurting and saying things you don’t mean.”
She grabbed a pillow off the bed and threw it at me. “Don’t you dare tell me what I do or do not mean, Roman. I’m sick of people telling what I want!” Tears flowed from her eyes.
I studied her for a few minutes, trying to figure out what to do. I’d followed her lead the night before, maybe now I needed to follow her lead again. “I’ll give you some space. But I will always be here if you need me, okay?”
“Just go!” she screamed.
I left. I had no idea what to do, but it was probably best to give her some space. Everything inside me screamed to go back and try to calm her, even though I knew she wouldn’t listen to me. But I wanted to try. I didn’t want to lose her.
Maybe I already had.
CHAPTER 25
Roman
I THOUGHT SHE NEEDED TIME. She’d lost Gia and was clearly hurting. I knew the pain of loss, though not of losing a child. I could have been there to help hold her up when things got too tough to deal with. I understood, though. I had pushed away everyone I loved after Laura died. It was a natural reaction. Hurt them before they can hurt you. Leave them before they can leave you.
I never expected her to be the one to leave me.
Within a week, her car wasn’t in the driveway anymore.
Within a month, her house was on the market. Everything inside was sold at a garage sale manned by people I didn’t recognize. When I asked for information, they said they didn’t know what happened to her. They were merely mechanics at David’s garage. She hadn’t come to work in a while, though.
Within three months, it sold. A family moved in. New children played on the swings meant for Gia. It tore me apart.
I tried calling and texting her, but never got an answer. Eventually, her number was disconnected. Since I couldn’t reach her now, I tried David, but all my calls went straight to voicemail. I felt like a crazed stalker, like a clingy ex-boyfriend who couldn’t—or wouldn’t—let go. I guessed I was.
She’d really left me behind.
I never thought I’d be so heartbroken over another girl. It hurt badly, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it. She left. She was gone.
After four months of periodically calling David, he finally answered. The relief I felt was palpable. I was worried and I missed her. I needed answers.
I missed her so fucking bad I ached constantly.
“Hello, mate,” David answered.
“Where’d she go?” I hated the desperation in my voice, but I felt it. Way down to my toes.
He sighed loudly and I heard shifting as he moved and then a door closed. “I’m not supposed to say anything. She needs time.”
“Time from me? I don’t understand.”
“Honestly? I don’t understand anything she’s going through right now, but I have to respect her.”
“Where does that leave me?” I sounded like a bitch, but the lump clawing at my throat begged me not to let him off the phone until I had real answers.
“I don’t know, mate. She’s in rough shape right now.”
“Is she at least okay?”
“She’s as okay as she possibly can be.”
“Is she not working at the shop anymore?”
“I’m not supposed to give any details. She asked me not to say anything.”
“To me or to everyone in general?”
“She didn’t specify anyone specifically, but I can read between the lines.”
I closed my eyes in frustration. I wasn’t getting anywhere. I just wanted her back. “Just . . . Just keep an eye on her for me, okay?”
“Of course.”
“And I’m here if you guys need anything, okay?”
“Thanks.”
We hung up the call. I held my phone to my forehead as I damn near crushed it in my hand.
She’d become a ghost, haunting my dreams.
CHAPTER 26
Mia
I RAN. I COULDN’T STAY there—in that house—one more second. Everywhere I looked were memories and painful heartaches, and I couldn’t live with it. I packed up some clothes, my toothbrush, and I got in my car. I lingered in the driveway, looking at Roman’s house. I wanted to stay for him. I wanted to be there so he could hold me together, but I couldn’t offer him anything. I was barely a fraction of a person. He deserved someone who could be his equal and that wasn’t me.
A tear slipped down my cheek as I backed out of my driveway and made my way to David and Roxie’s. I knocked on their door and Roxie pulled me in with a hug. I promptly crumbled, clinging to her as I ugly cried. She guided me toward the couch and sat with me. The tears felt never-ending. If I wasn’t crying, I was staring out into empty space.
“I’m so sorry, Rox. I can’t go home,” I said, pleading with my eyes. “I see her everywhere. She’s in every corner of that house and I can’t go back. I can’t live there.”
“It’s okay, M.” She smoothed her hand over my cheek and smiled, though her lip wobbled. “You can stay here as long as you need.”
“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You’d be miserable and hate your life.” She smiled. I hugged her tightly, not wanting to ever let go. She and David were the only real thing I had left in my life. “What about Roman?” she asked, her tone hesitant.
I pulled away, looking down at my hands. “I can’t.”
“Can’t what?”
�
��I’m a mess, Roxie. I can’t bring him into it. I don’t know what life after Gia means. What kind of life can I possibly have?”
“A good one.” She rested her hand on my shoulder, the warmth comforting me. “You didn’t die with Gia. I know it’s painful without her. I can’t imagine how much you’re hurting, but you still have to live.”
“I can’t drag him down with me. I’m sinking.”
“I’ll be your life raft.”
This brought new tears to my eyes because I’d always thought of Roman as my life raft. He was my savior. “Is it okay if I lie down for awhile?”
“Of course. You know where the guest room is. David won’t be home for a couple more hours. He had some work to do at the office.”
She was gracious enough not to mention that he had extra work because I hadn’t been going in. I couldn’t pretend to be okay enough to chat with customers and file invoices. I cried at random times. Sometimes I got so angry I felt I’d explode. I didn’t want David to suffer the consequences of me losing patience with one of his customers. I had trouble focusing on anything for more than a few moments.
In the guest room, I undressed and crawled into bed, pulling the covers up to my chin. I fell asleep with tears on my cheeks.
* * *
“She’s not doing well, David,” Roxie whispered, though she wasn’t quiet enough. I could hear her through my closed door. I’d been in bed for four days. I’d gotten up to go to the bathroom and that was it. Roxie brought in some water a few times and tried to get me to eat something. Other than a few sips, I didn’t touch any of it. It seemed pointless. I’d been ravaged. My soul was mangled. My heart was decimated. There wasn’t a reason for me to go on.
“I’m not going to pull her out of bed,” she hissed. Since there was no answer, she clearly was talking to David on the phone. At the mention of pulling me out of bed, I wanted to smile. When Roxie’s sister, Cassie, left her would-be husband at the altar, Roxie pulled her out of bed and forced her to get back out and live. My usually smart-assed best friend tiptoed around me as though I were made of glass.