by Kristy Love
She nodded, studying her cup again. “Do you want anything today?”
“Nah. I just wanted to bring you guys some coffee.”
“Thank you. It’s much appreciated.”
“I’ll see you later.” I rapped my knuckles against the glass display and she nodded again, watching me leave.
CHAPTER 31
Mia
THE LAST THING I EVER expected was to see Roman again. I figured after the way I treated him, he wouldn’t want anything to do with me. He’d been nothing but amazing to me after Gia died. I shoved him away as if he’d been awful. I’d been going through too much. And the same thoughts kept running through my head. How can I possibly be enough? He’d found love with Laura. He’d been in a loving, happy marriage. He’d been trying to build a family with Laura. I could never give him that. I feared I was too broken to offer him anything.
When I went to coffee with him, it was nice. It was more than nice. It felt right. Being around him, talking to him. The way he looked at me gave me hope. Could we find a way to be around each other again? I’d love to be with him, but surely that wasn’t a possibility. It’d been over a year. He probably moved on.
Then he came into the bakery and bought all the cookies I named after him. They were his favorite when we were together. It felt right naming them after him. I wasn’t sure what he thought about it, but he couldn’t have been too upset if he bought them.
The next day, he brought Tammy and me coffee. I wasn’t sure what to think of that. Was he extending the olive branch of friendship? Was he simply showing that there weren’t any hard feelings?
I shrugged off my thoughts and went to the front end of the store. Sophie had started working today. I hired her on the spot. She was nice, seemed as though she would fit right in. She came with a resume and references. Even though she was only applying for a part-time position at a small bakery, she treated it as though we were a professional company. I had to give her the job. Plus, Tammy liked her.
Sophie was filling orders and Tammy was helping her with a question. It was pretty easy, other than the cash register. That damn computer was the hardest part of the job. Sometimes it had a mind of its own.
The bell above the door rang and Roman walked in. He had three coffees in a cup carrier today. He also had a woman with him. “Hello, ladies.” He smiled and it was irresistible. I wanted to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him, but stopped myself. I didn’t have that right anymore.
“Hi, Roman.” Sophie beamed at him. He handed her a coffee and actually winked at her. I knew she was happily married and that she and Roman were friends, but my chest ached with their familiarity. I wanted him to smile at me that way. “Tara, it’s good to see you,” she said to the woman at Roman’s side. Jealousy coursed through me. Was this Roman’s girlfriend?
“Congrats on the job, Soph.”
“Thanks.” She took a sip of her coffee and then went back to work.
“Good to see you again today, Roman,” Tammy said as she took her coffee from him. She smiled at the woman with Roman.
“Good to see you again, as well.”
“Mia,” he said, his voice softer, more intimate in a way. My eyes shot to the girl standing beside him. What did she think of the way he spoke to me? Would it cause a fight later?
“Hey.” I took the coffee and continued looking at him. He stared back, holding my eyes as if he was waiting for me to say something. “Thanks for the coffee.”
“Sure.”
“You don’t have to bring us anything.”
“I know I don’t. But that’s what friends do, right?”
The word friends was like a bullet tearing through my heart, obliterating it. I nodded, swallowing around the lump that lodged in my throat. “Can I get you anything?”
“I’ll take a dozen cupcakes.”
“Which kind?”
“Surprise me,” he said, the sound of his voice rumbling through my body. I packaged an assortment of my favorite cupcakes and handed it to him.
“I want you to try something; I’ll be right back.” I went into the kitchen and boxed up four of a new kind of cupcake I’d thought up the night before. They were a dark chocolate cake with a coffee flavored buttercream icing. I wasn’t totally sold on the combination, but I figured Roman could taste test for me. I went back out and tied string around the box. “Here. When you come back in, give me your thoughts.”
“I will.” He smiled. “How much do I owe you?”
“On the house. Consider it repayment for the coffee.” I smiled.
He nodded, rapped his fingers against the glass case again, and walked out. He helped the woman into the car and she smiled at him in a familiar way, a way that hurt. I felt the all too familiar ache in my chest.
What I wouldn’t give for him to be mine again.
* * *
Roman didn’t come in for a few days. I figured he was working, but that didn’t make me miss him any less. I found myself looking up every time the door opened to see if it was him. My heart deflated in my chest every time it wasn’t.
Maybe I’d chased him away.
Work was busy, but Sophie really helped. Tammy wasn’t as stressed out and neither was I. I made enough money to pay her, at least so far. Maybe that would change, but business seemed to be going smoothly. Owning my own bakery was harder in some ways than I’d anticipated. I worried about money and paying my employees and being able to afford supplies. It was also incredibly rewarding because I was succeeding on my own. My hands and ideas created these cupcakes and this business. I loved it. It was the best job I’d ever had.
The bell rang above the door and Roman walked in. He was pale and had circles under his eyes. He’d definitely worked the night or two before.
He greeted Tammy and Sophie before walking toward me. “Hey.”
“Hi.” I twisted my hands, suddenly anxious. Had he tried the cupcakes? Did he like them?
“I’ve been working. That’s why I haven’t been in.”
“I figured as much.”
“I was able to try your cupcakes. They’re good. I have a suggestion, though.” He studied my face as if he was waiting for me to react poorly. I nodded, encouraging him. “Caramel. Coffee and caramel are amazing together. So is chocolate and caramel. You need a little bit of a sweet with the bitterness of the dark chocolate and the coffee.”
An idea slammed into my mind. I grabbed his hand and squeezed. “Come with me. I want you to try something.” He came around the corner and followed me, his hand still in mine. I loved the warmth coming from him and the roughness of his palm. He was so male. My heart squeezed in my chest, wishing I could call him mine again.
“What do you want to show me?”
“Sit.” I pointed to a stool over in the corner and got to work. I whipped up some buttercream icing, adding some caramel flavoring to it. I had some of the dark chocolate cupcakes, so I cut out the center and put some of the flavored icing in the middle. I frosted it with the coffee icing and drizzled caramel sauce over the top. I handed it to Roman, anxious to get his opinion. He took a bite, chewing slowly, his eyes focused on me.
“Amazing. Exactly what it needed.” He held the cupcake out to me to take a bite. I held the cupcake in my hand, looking down at it. It seemed so intimate to take a bite from something he’d just bitten from. But I did it anyway. The blend of flavors was so good I couldn’t help but groan.
“So good.”
“I think so, too.”
“Thank you for your help. I’ve been stuck on it for awhile.”
“Glad to be of service.” He reached out and wiped a bit of icing off my cheek, then licked it off his finger. I watched his finger in his mouth and wished I could taste his lips again.
“Let me buy you dinner,” I blurted. I wanted to suck the words back in as soon as I said them. “I mean, as a thank you.”
He chuckled. “I’ll never turn down a free dinner.” His grin was lopsided and so endearing. The ache intensified un
til it felt like a riot in my chest. Sadness and desire warred in a painful way. I wanted to reach over and kiss him. He had a speck of icing on his lip and I wanted to lick it off so badly. I averted my eyes.
“Tomorrow night? So you can get some sleep.”
“Sounds perfect.” He hopped down off the stool. “Speaking of, I really need to head home. I’m running on fumes.”
“Thank you for coming in. It was good to see you.”
He smiled again. He headed toward the front of the shop. “Roman,” I called out after him. He stopped, his dark eyes meeting mine. “You don’t have my phone number.” I grabbed a Sharpie off the counter and walked over to him, then wrote on his hand to make sure he didn’t lose it. Again, I was taken off guard by his touch. I wanted his hands all over me.
“Thanks.”
“Of course. That way you can call me if something comes up.”
“Nothing could keep me away.” He held my gaze, sincerity infusing from his words.
I nodded as he walked out the door. I wanted to follow after him and press my body against his, kissing him until he felt my lips against his until the next day at dinner.
Instead, I watched him leave. He took a piece of my heart and soul along with him.
* * *
Roman had called me earlier in the afternoon and asked me which restaurant we were going to. I knew his favorite was this Greek place downtown, so I told him to meet me there. Nerves ate at my stomach and worry clouded my brain. Would he read too much into this dinner? We were two old friends catching up and I was thanking him for his brilliant idea. Even if I secretly did want it to mean so much more.
I sat down and ordered a Coke, and waited for Roman to arrive. I swirled my drink, anxious. Maybe he’d changed his mind, though he seemed excited earlier when I talked to him. Fifteen minutes later, he joined me.
“Sorry I’m late. Jessie called and wouldn’t stop talking.”
“It’s okay.” I smiled, relief flooding me.
“I was in the parking lot and I kept trying to get off the phone with her, but she wasn’t taking a hint.”
I laughed. “She wanted to talk to you. I can’t blame her.” Kill me now. I couldn’t believe I said that.
A look passed over his face, one I couldn’t decipher. “Yeah. We haven’t talked in a few weeks.”
“Is she doing well?”
“Yeah. They’re busy.”
“Busy is good.”
“Definitely.” He smiled and he got a faraway look in his eyes, as though something crossed his mind and was holding him there.
“We talked some about our lives before. Tell me more. What are you up to outside of work?”
“Not much. I’ve been hanging out more with the guys from work.” One of his shoulders raised in a half shrug. His eyes focused on the water the waiter had just poured him.
“That’s good, right? Having friends and stuff?” I wanted him to tell me who the woman was who came with him to the bakery, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask. Not directly.
“They’re good guys. It’s just strange. I spent so much time holding them at arm’s length. It was weird opening up to them more, letting them into my life beyond work.”
“You deserve to have friends.”
He nodded, taking a sip of his water. “It was hard. Dealing with everything . . . after you left.” He might as well have sliced me open with a knife. Hearing the hurt and the vulnerability in his voice gutted me. “It was too hard to be alone, yet I didn’t want to leave . . . in case you came back.” His eyes speared me and my heart raced with his words. He’d wanted me to come back? Regret made my stomach sick. “It was nice having people who cared.”
I heard the words he left unsaid. It was nice having people who cared after I abandoned him. It wasn’t possible for it to hurt any more than it already did. Tears stung my eyes. I hated that I hurt him. Our food was delivered and I pushed it around my plate. I’d lost my appetite completely. “I’m sorry,” I said, my voice wobbling with emotion. “I couldn’t be there anymore, Roman. I couldn’t be around anyone. I was barely functioning. I needed to find a way to be okay without Gia.” My voice broke on her name. It still hurt so damn bad to realize she was gone.
“I get it. I did that after Laura died. I pushed everyone away. I didn’t want anyone around me. I figured I was a nuisance to everyone.” I nodded, agreeing since I felt the same way. He leaned across the table. “But you didn’t have to be that way with me, Mia. I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to hold you when you cried and be your soft place to fall.”
“I didn’t need a soft place to fall. It wasn’t your job to fix me, Roman. And I was broken. My heart was broken, my soul was broken, my hope was broken. I needed to find a way to be okay on my own. I didn’t want to drag you down with me.” I hadn’t anticipated this dinner being so heavy, but I was glad we were clearing the air. It felt as if some of the weight and guilt were lifting off me.
“You wouldn’t have dragged me down, Mia. I wanted to be there for you. I needed you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I understand why you pushed me away and left. It doesn’t make it suck any less though.”
I nodded, fighting with my emotions. They were warring against me, wanting me to spill my guts, to tell him I loved him and wanted him, but it didn’t feel right. “I take it you moved on, then?” I needed to know. I needed him to tell me that he found someone new.
“I tried.” His words, so blunt yet so sharp. He gutted me all over again. The air was forced from my lungs and I almost doubled over from the impact. My eyes burned from the tears that I wouldn’t let loose and I fought the urge to throw up.
“Was that your date you brought in the other day? To the bakery?”
“No, she was a coworker. She wanted to try your baked goods since I’ve been raving about them.”
“I thought she was your girlfriend.”
He shook his head. “No, no girlfriend.” His eyes met mine, intensity burning bright in them. “No one was you.”
I gasped, the force of the words hitting me square in the chest. My heart and my lungs and my brain couldn’t deal with these words. “I need a moment.” I stood and rushed to the bathroom, barely holding myself together. I couldn’t handle all of this honesty. I needed to leave, I needed space and time to sort it all out.
Roman was still here for me. He could still be mine. I could barely process everything.
I found our waiter and paid the bill, leaving a generous tip knowing he’d have to deal with an annoyed Roman.
I took the coward’s way out and fled.
CHAPTER 32
Mia
“IT’S TIME TO CLOSE UP,” Tammy said, walking into the kitchen as she wiped her hands on her Gia’s Miracle logo apron.
“Yeah,” I responded, distracted. I hated how I left things with Roman the other night, but I couldn’t help it. His words had cut me open and left me raw. The possibility that I still had a chance with him was too much to handle. I wanted him, but did I deserve him? Especially after the way I treated him.
“Are you okay?”
I nodded, though I wasn’t sure. Should I have taken another chance on Roman? Would I regret not telling him that I still wanted him, even after all this time? Our conversation over dinner was constantly playing through my mind, the what ifs and the could have beens.
Tammy rested her hand against my arm, causing me to look at her. “Are you okay? For real.”
“I honestly don’t know.”
“Is it Roman?”
“Maybe.” I turned my attention back to the counter I was wiping down.
“Talk to him. That’s all you can do.” I nodded. “I have to get going. I have a date tonight.” She grinned.
“A date?” When had Tammy ever been interested in dating?
“A date.”
“With whom?”
“I met him here in the bakery. He gave me his number.”
“When?”
“A we
ek or so ago.”
“And you didn’t tell me?” I raised an eyebrow, smiling at her.
“I wasn’t sure if it meant anything, but I called him and we get along really well.” She untied her apron. “I like him.”
“Go! Get ready and have an amazing night.”
“Thanks, Mia. Have a good night.”
She left and I finished cleaning up, wishing I had said everything I wanted to say to Roman.
At home, I microwaved leftovers and sat in front of the TV. I chewed a bite slowly, though it felt like cement in my mouth. I wondered if Roman still had the same phone number. Taking a chance—wasn’t life all about taking chances?—I picked up my phone and pressed the contact for Roman, dialing him. When I got a new phone, they transferred all my previous contacts to it. I could have deleted Roman’s, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
It rang.
“Hello?” Roman answered. I closed my eyes, my heart pounding against my ribs.
“You didn’t change your number,” I responded, though it came out as more of a relieved breath.
“Of course I didn’t, Mia. I wanted you to have a way to contact me if you ever needed me.”
Tears swam in my eyes and I looked up at the ceiling, hoping to keep them at bay. He hadn’t left town because he’d been waiting for me. He hadn’t changed his number because he wanted me to be able to get in touch with him. “I didn’t say everything I should have when we had dinner.”
I heard shifting on his end of the phone, as though he was settling deeper into bed. “Yeah?”
“I didn’t run only because Gia died.” I took a deep breath, a single tear sliding down my cheek. “You found your one true love, Roman. You married her and shared family and friends with her. You wanted to start a family with her. She completed you in a way I can never ever dream of doing.” I sniffled as my throat got tighter. “I can’t give you kids. I can’t give you a whole, happy person. I will always miss Gia. I will always be broken. I can’t give you all of me because I don’t have all of me to give.”
“Do you think that’s what I want? Kids? A perfect life without complications?” he asked.