by Lacey London
‘I’ve been busy.’ I lie, ignoring the churning sensation in my stomach. ‘I was going to call you later. Precious can’t display my pieces anymore...’
She inhales sharply and I close my eyes, instantly regretting my decision to tell her.
‘Why?’ The immediate accusatory tone to her voice is all too familiar. ‘What have you done?’
‘I haven’t done anything. They are having a revamp and selling art isn’t going to fit in with their new image…’
‘Yeah, right!’ Mick cackles loudly. ‘So, what’s next? Are you finally going to grow up and get a real job?’
I open my mouth to respond, but change my mind at the last moment. I know better than to try and argue with Mick when he’s had a drink.
‘He does have a point.’ My mum says decidedly. ‘You’re twenty-five now, Sadie. Isn’t it about time that you stopped messing around with these… paintings? You’ve got a bloody degree! Why don’t you use it?’
Not bothering to reply, I slide across the couch to make room for Aldo.
‘You need to sort yourself out. Don’t be thinking that I’m going to bail you out. I’ve been more than good enough to you. This is a wake-up call. It’s time for you to grow up.’
Resisting the urge to remind her that I haven’t asked for a penny since she handed over the keys to this place, I let out a yawn and drape my legs across Aldo’s lap. Any other mother would be incredibly proud of their daughter being an artist, but not my mum. I learned years ago that nothing I ever do will be good enough for her. I cast my mind back to the days before Mick and try to remember if things were always this way. The truth is, she was never around long enough to be disappointed in me.
‘Anyway, I don’t want to talk about this right now.’ She sighs dramatically and whispers something to Mick. ‘We’re going to be away from Wednesday. Try and get yourself sorted by the time we’re back.’
After reluctantly agreeing to check on her house, I let out a silent scream and toss the handset onto an adjacent chair. Surely it’s not normal to feel like you’ve been given a blow to the stomach after speaking to your mother? To feel so dejected and low after hearing her voice?
‘Well?’ Aldo asks, taking a sip of water.
‘Don’t ask.’ Shaking my head in response, I roll onto my side and snuggle into the cushions. ‘Same old, same old…’
I twist my hair into a messy bun and try my best to ignore the sorrowful look on Aldo’s face. He’s never been able to understand the strained bond I have with my mother. With him having such a fabulous connection with his own parents, he can’t comprehend the dysfunctional dynamic of our relationship.
‘I’m sorry…’ Aldo sighs, draping an arm around my shoulder.
‘Don’t be sorry!’ I force myself to smile and bat him away, mortified that he’s pitying me. ‘She’s always been this way. It’s nothing new to me.’
‘Doesn’t it bother you?’ Fiddling with his watch, he stares at me intently. ‘Don’t you wish she was a little more supportive?’
Not wanting to say how I really feel, I try my hardest not to look bothered. ‘Like I said, she’s always been the same.’
Parents are supposed to give you a helping hand when you’re rock bottom, not kick you when you’re already down. I think back to the day that Spencer broke things off. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my throat and smashed into a million pieces, yet all she said was, there’s plenty more fish in the sea. I remember my body physically aching from the shock of her dismissal. The sadness, the grief and the dismay sent me into a state of shock. I still don’t know how I managed to sit there and smile at her collection of holiday photos as though nothing had happened. As though my entire life, my entire future hadn’t just been snatched away from me.
‘Do you want to go out for a while?’ Aldo asks suddenly, piercing my thought bubble. ‘It’s still early, we could grab dinner and a few drinks?’
I glance down at my watch and shrug my shoulders. ‘If I say yes will you do my hair?’
Grabbing my ponytail, I wave it in his face and giggle as his eyes widen in horror at the state of my split ends.
Letting out a scoff, he shoves my legs to the floor and heads towards his bedroom. ‘Only if you let me cut it off…’
Chapter 6
Flashing his black card at the doorman, Aldo reaches for my hand as we make our way inside the bar. With it being a weekday, the place is reasonably quiet and it doesn’t take us long to spot Ivy and Zara at their favourite table. Wearing their trademark skinny jeans and fitted blazers, they shake their caramel hair extensions as they pose for selfies. Weaving our way through the smattering of people, I raise my hand in acknowledgment as Ivy waves her glass in the air.
‘Do we have to sit with them?’ Aldo moans, checking out his perfect man-bun in the mirror and smoothing down a stray hair.
‘Don’t be like that.’ Giving his arm a squeeze, I lower my voice to a whisper. ‘Just one drink and then we can go somewhere else.’
Not looking in the least bit pacified, he replies with a scowl as we come to a stop at their table. ‘Fine, but if Piper shows up, I’m leaving.’
It’s no secret that Aldo and Piper don’t see eye-to-eye. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I have had to play referee to stop them from tearing each other’s hair out.
‘Look what the cat dragged in…’ Zara teases, taking a sip of her pink bubbles as she shoots Aldo a wink.
Not sticking around to respond, Aldo shakes off his leather jacket and hops onto a stool at the bar.
‘What’s with him?’ Ivy asks, her plump pout even larger than normal. ‘That time of the month?’
Zara lets out a snigger and I can’t help but notice a nose ring where her diamond stud normally resides. Choosing to ignore her, I pull out a chair as Ivy adds another layer of gloss to her lips.
‘So, I heard about Precious…’ Zara whispers, nudging Ivy as she speaks.
‘Wow, good news travels fast.’ I manage, struggling to keep a poker face.
‘What are you going to do?’ Clearly not sensing my tone, Zara continues to push the subject. ‘You’re technically jobless now, right?’
I look up as Aldo places a couple of glasses down on the table. ‘I don’t think Shirley wants to talk about it.’ He raises a perfect eyebrow at her and takes his seat. ‘Besides, you two haven’t worked a day in your lives, you’re not exactly in a position to be dishing out career advice.’
‘Who’s rattled your cage?’ Ivy scoffs, immediately jumping to her sister’s defence.
‘Get your roots done.’ Aldo fires back, not missing a beat.
Hiding a smile behind my glass, I resist the urge to let out a giggle. Every single time they’re together it’s the same. The twins rile up Aldo and he snaps back. Neither side wanting to be the first to give in, this charade usually continues until Piper makes an appearance and Aldo storms off.
‘Piper should be here shortly.’ Zara muses, as though reading my mind. ‘She’s having dinner with Robert Henshaw….’
‘Robert Henshaw!’ Aldo repeats, almost choking on his drink. ‘Isn’t he about eighty?’
Ivy and Zara laugh simultaneously and shake their heads.
‘He’s not eighty!’ Zara retorts, digging out a compact mirror to check her makeup. ‘He’s sixty-five!’
Staring at her incredulously, Aldo curls up his lip and frowns. As I mentioned earlier, my friend’s insistence on finding themselves rich husbands really grinds Aldo’s gears. Giving him a nudge under the table, I watch a waitress carry two plates of steaming food through the bar. Despite Aldo’s offer of dinner earlier, he tossed me a packet of crisps as we left the apartment and promised to grab a takeout on the way home.
Ignoring my rumbling stomach, I disguise a yawn with a cough and pretend to listen as Ivy and Zara fill me in on their week. I am nodding along aimlessly when a certain name catches my attention.
‘He sent Ivy a Friend Request on Facebook…’ Zara whispers, s
tudying me closely for a reaction.
I feel the blood drain from my face and frantically try to hide it. Not knowing what to say, I look up at Aldo for help.
‘I mean, what would Spencer want to connect with Ivy for?’ She screws up her tiny nose and I can’t help noticing the slight smile that is playing on her lips.
‘Zara!’ Ivy hisses, giving her a discreet nudge. ‘I told you not to say anything!’ Turning her attention to me, she forces herself to smile and blushes. ‘Don’t worry, I ignored it.’
Feeling my skin prickle with shock, I purse my lips and nod in response. As much as I am trying to act nonchalant, this little snippet of information has really bothered me. From the day that Spencer told me it was over, I haven’t heard a peep from him. Not an apologetic text, not a drunken phone call, nothing.
‘Are you still friends with Spencer on Facebook?’ Zara asks Aldo, leaning over the table and raising an eyebrow mischievously. ‘You two got along so well…’
Obviously sensing that Spencer isn’t something I want to talk about, Aldo scowls at Zara and slams his drink down on the table. ‘What is it with you two tonight? You’re like the Witches of Eastwick!’
‘I’m just curious!’ Zara protests, frowning and sitting back in her seat. ‘Sadie hasn’t breathed his name since they split, now that he’s back on the scene it’s only natural to ask a couple of questions!’
‘Maybe that’s Shirley’s way of dealing with things.’ Aldo growls, not backing down. ‘We don’t all shag everything that moves when we’ve had our hearts broken...’
‘From what I hear, she’s been doing that too…’ Ivy giggles and sways around to the music.
Completely mortified, I look around the room for a place to hide and spot Julian from the other night chatting up a beautiful brunette at the bar. Letting out a groan, I slide closer to Aldo and hang my head in shame. Ivy’s right, I have been throwing myself at men, but that’s only because Piper promised I would feel better if I did.
‘I’m sorry.’ Ivy reaches over the table and rubs my arm. ‘We’re just having a little fun.’
I manage a small nod and will the ground to swallow me up.
‘Besides, you were only together for five minutes. You must be over him by now?’
I look into her huge eyes and feel my heart pang. I want to tell her that I haven’t even come close to being over him. I want to tell her that even the mention of his name makes me feel like I am being stabbed repeatedly. I want to tell her that the thought of him contacting her for any reason whatsoever physically pains me, but instead I just take a deep breath and tear my eyes away from hers.
‘Of course I’m over him.’ I mutter, fighting to keep a positive expression on my face.
‘Finally!’ Zara lets out a cheer and raises her glass in the air. ‘It’s about bloody time!’
Not knowing what to say next, the four of us sit in silence until the sound of Ivy’s phone ringing breaks the ice.
‘That will be Piper!’ Zara claps her hands together excitedly as Ivy runs into the gardens to answer the call. ‘She must be on her way!’
Before I can speak, Aldo lets out a huge yawn and motions for me to drink up. ‘Well, we should be going.’ Pushing out his chair, he waits for me to gather my belongings.
‘Already?’ Zara exclaims, squinting at her watch. ‘But you just got here?’
Giving her a look that tells her exactly why we’re leaving, Aldo gives the barman a wave and makes for the door. Quickly finishing my drink, I smile apologetically at Zara and hurry after Aldo.
‘Do you have to be like that?’ I hiss, following him along the dark street. ‘Why are you always so rude to my friends?’
‘Those women are not your friends, Sadie.’ Immediately lighting up a cigarette, Aldo holds out his arm for mine.
‘Of course they’re my friends! Apart from you, they’re all that I have!’ Feeling a little defensive over my girls, I shoot him a scowl as we come to a stop outside another bar. ‘They don’t mean any harm. You just don’t understand their humour.’
He sneers and blows a stream of smoke into the cold air. ‘Well, with friends like that you certainly don’t need any enemies.’
Deciding it’s not worth an argument, I choose to drop it and bite my lip. I understand Aldo’s dislike of Piper. Let’s face it, she isn’t exactly known for having a big circle of chums, but Ivy and Zara are alright, aren’t they?
‘Why do you think Spencer contacted Ivy?’ I whisper, not realising until it’s too late that I’m thinking out loud.
Aldo checks his phone and shrugs. ‘It wouldn’t surprise me if she was the one contacting him.’
‘Why would she do that?’ I ask, doing a little jog on the spot to keep warm. ‘She’s only met him a handful of times. They’ve barely spoken two words to one another.’
‘Well, I wouldn’t put it past her. She’d do anything for a bit of attention…’ He looks deep in thought and takes another drag.
She wouldn’t do that. Surely not. Before I can stop it, images of the pair of them spring into my head. I picture them rolling around in his bed, sweaty and hot with lust. My stomach flips and a wave of nausea runs through me.
I’d almost convinced myself that Spencer had died. That he had never existed in the first place and was just a figment of my over-active imagination. A lump forms in my throat as I recall boarding that train for the final time. Sometimes I think if it wouldn’t have been for that damn tattoo, we would still be together.
With us deciding against the tradition of an engagement ring, Aldo decided to buy me a tattoo on my ring finger as an alternative. I loved the idea straight away. It was so me, so us and everything we stood for. I was so high on adrenaline that I didn’t even notice the pain of the needle as it dragged through my skin. All I could think about was Spencer and how happy he was going to be when he saw it.
As soon as we stepped out of the studio, I jumped on the next train to Brighton. I had a few cocktails on the journey, which made the long ride down there flash by in a tipsy haze. I ran so fast from the train station that my feet burned like hot lava by the time I arrived at his door. Rapping on the knocker, I held my breath as I waited for him to answer. The way that his brow furrowed when he saw me standing there made me realise immediately I had made a massive mistake.
‘Surprise!’ I yelled, throwing my arms around him and burying my face into his hair.
‘What… what are you doing here?’ He asked, an edge to his voice that I hadn’t heard before. ‘You weren’t supposed to be here until Friday.’
‘I wanted to surprise you!’ I managed, my mouth stretched into a giant smile. ‘I’ve got something to show you!’
Waiting for him to invite me inside, my smile faltered when I realised that he wasn’t budging.
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, suddenly feeling a little uneasy.
Not bothering to disguise the look of annoyance on his face, he begrudgingly stepped aside and closed the door behind me. Still fuelled by alcohol, I ran into the living room and threw myself onto the couch. Carefully taking a seat next to me, Spencer scratched his stubble and exhaled loudly.
‘Look what Aldo bought me for my birthday…’ Holding out my hand, I spread my fingers to reveal the new inking. ‘Isn’t it amazing? It’s to mark our engagement. You know, since we’re not getting a ring…’
His face turned white and I could practically see the blood drain from his cheeks. ‘Why… why have you done that?’ He managed, refusing to look me in the eye.
The anger in his voice seemed to sober me up in an instant.
‘You seem mad…’ I whispered, edging closer to him. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘What’s wrong?’ He repeated, laughing sarcastically. ‘Sadie, all of this is wrong! You, the tattoo, the whole engagement thing…’
Seemingly losing the ability to speak, I stared at him in shock. I felt like I had been slapped. My skin burnt from his sharp tongue, making me numb from head to toe. I sat there, glued t
o the couch as he paced up and down the living room.
‘Things are moving too fast for me. I was never looking for anything serious, but then I met you and things just spiralled out of control.’ Leaning against the doorframe, he let out a groan and stared down at the ground. ‘I’m just not ready to settle down. I thought I was, but I’m not.’ Turning to face me, he finally got the courage to look me in the eye. ‘I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.’
His words made me dizzy as I repeated them over and over in my mind, not once believing that they were true. I felt paralysed as I waited for him to laugh and say that he was playing the world’s cruellest joke.
Looking back, I don’t know why I didn’t flip, why I didn’t freak out or erupt into a fit of rage. Instead, I simply picked up my bag and walked out of the door. He shouted after me, but I didn’t look back. I just continued to put one foot in front of the other in a dazed haze until I reached the train station. The entire hour I waited for a train to come by, I looked over my shoulder and prayed that he would come after me. I ached for him to pull up in his car and tell me he had made a terrible mistake. I would have given anything to hear him say that he didn’t mean a single word he had said.
Of course that never happened. It never does in real life, does it? That final I’m sorry he yelled as I disappeared down his path are the last words he ever said to me. I never found out what it was that made Spencer cut me off like that and I guess I never will. They say, what you don’t know doesn’t hurt you, but not knowing why I was treated so badly by the only person I’ve ever loved has haunted me since that fateful day.
Sometimes I ask myself what’s worse, knowing how badly you want something, or knowing that you can never have it?
Chapter 7
Sunlight floods the room as I run my legs over the soft sheets and inhale deeply. Slowly peeling open my eyes, I close them again as the familiar feeling of dread hits my stomach. I’ve tried to keep a strong front in place, but inside I am starting to crumble. With each day that passes I can feel the mask slipping more and more. It’s just a matter of time before someone points out the cracks in my positive exterior.