She peeks up at me over the sheet, still sitting on her chair in between my legs. “Okay, Maddy. From what I can tell, your cervix is still long and closed so I don’t think the cramps you were experiencing were miscarriage related. But let’s do a sonogram just to be on the safe side.” Both Reid and I let out a collective sigh of relief in clearing what seems to be the first hurdle.
She grabs for this long wand sticking out of the compartment on the side of the sonogram machine. As she’s squirting some clear liquid on to the tip of it, she says, “Based on your last period, you’re not far enough along to do an abdominal sonogram.” She slides what looks like a condom over the wand and returns to her station between my legs.
After she slides the wand into place, she clicks around on the screen. It’s not painful as I expected it would be; it’s just uncomfortable – a feeling that I know is multiplied by the uncertainty that looms heavily around us.
Through the black and white fuzziness of the screen, an image starts to take shape. It looks like a tiny little gummy bear, but as the doctor zooms in, it becomes more focused, more precise.
I look up at Reid through tear filled eyes. “That’s our baby.” My words are barely a whisper as the tears spill over and pour down my cheeks. He moves closer to me and kisses the side of my head. He whispers into my ear, “I love you.”
I vaguely feel the doctor moving the wand around, but when she stops abruptly, I can’t help but feel the panic set in. I brace myself for bad news, but what I hear instead, is, quite frankly, the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life.
Choking on the sobs that threaten, I ask, “Is that…is that the heartbeat?”
She rubs her hand reassuringly on my calf and a bright smile graces her young face. “Yes, that is your baby’s heartbeat.” She turns up the volume slightly and Reid and I gaze at each other in pure joy and wonderment as the rhythmic thudding of our baby’s heart fills the room.
Clicking on a few more buttons, she prints out a picture for us and hands it to Reid. “Here you go, Daddy.” He looks at it in amazement before sliding it into his pocket.
As I sit up, I ask her, “So everything is okay then, right?” I know she can hear the uncertainty and concern in my wobbling voice. It’s just too hard to believe that we might just be in the clear.
She pulls out my chart and writes down a few notes before saying, “It seems that way. Plenty of women experience some bleeding in early pregnancy. There’s no way of telling what the cause was, but when was the last time you had intercourse?”
I can’t help but blush a furious shade of red. I shouldn’t be embarrassed to admit that I had sex just last night, but this is all still so new to me. “It was just last night. I didn’t realize we shouldn’t.” I look up at Reid and feel slightly comforted knowing that he’s just about the same shade of red that I am. This is definitely uncomfortable territory for him as well.
She finishes writing down her notes and says, “I would say that was most likely the cause. The baby looks good and is measuring nine weeks which corresponds to your last period.” She rifles through the pocket of her lab coat and hands me a business card. “Call me this week in the office and schedule an appointment for the end of the week and I’ll do another check to make sure that everything is okay. For today, stay on bedrest – no stairs, lie down as much as possible and stay hydrated. In the meantime, refrain from intercourse. If everything looks okay at the end of the week, then I’ll clear you for sexual activity.” She makes eye contact with both me and Reid to make sure we understand her.
The doctor shakes our hands on the way out and tells us to call her if the bleeding returns.
As the door clicks behind her, I lose it. Sobs wrack my body at the fear of losing this baby that I already love so much, and at the relief of knowing that things might be okay.
Reid wraps his strong arms around me and coos into my ear. “Shh, sweetheart. You’re okay and the baby is safe.” He whispers “shh’s” into my hair and caresses my back in a vain attempt to calm me down.
He pulls back from me and holds me at arm’s length. His eyes meet mine – deep blue stare into emerald green and it calms me somewhat.
He pushes a piece of hair behind my ear and kisses away my tears. Gently pressing his lips to mine in a soft, innocent kiss, he says, “We’re going to make it through this. You and me, and our baby, are going to be just fine.”
My lips curl into an involuntary smile. “You said it.”
He looks at me and cocks his head to the side in confusion. “What did I say?”
Reaching up to cup his cheek in my hand, I pull his lips back to mine. “You said our baby.” I take this moment to confess my unabated fears from that moment nearly a week ago when I told him I was pregnant for the first time. “In all of our arguing and fighting from back when I pushed you away, you never once said you wanted this baby. You kept saying over and over again how much you loved me and how much you wanted us to stay together, but you never said anything about the baby.” Fidgeting with my hands and twisting my fingers together distracts me marginally for the stress of this conversation. “So I…I thought you didn’t want the baby. I thought you didn’t love it, and that it would just be easier for you to forget about me, about us, since I was suddenly a burden to you.”
He pulls me back into his arms and laughs a small, pained laugh. “Maddy, yes, I’ll admit that you telling me that you’re pregnant was the biggest shock of my life. I didn’t handle it well, but just because I was surprised and scared doesn’t mean that I stopped loving you or that I didn’t want this baby.” He pauses and pulls back from our hug. Tipping my chin up with his finger, he kisses me sweetly again. “I’m not saying I have all of the answers just yet, or that I ever will, but I love you and I want you. I love this baby,” he pats his pocket indicating the sonogram picture. “And I want our baby more than anything. Seeing it on the screen and hearing the heartbeat, well, that just has to be the most beautiful thing ever. Except for you, of course.” He ends his proclamation of love by raining down sweet little pecks all over my face – my cheeks, my nose, my lips.
“Come on. Let’s get you dressed. I’m sure Mel is waiting out there for us.” He angles his head towards the door and the waiting room beyond it. In all of the emotional chaos, I had completely forgotten that Mel would be waiting here.
A few minutes later, we enter into the waiting room and see Mel nervously pacing across the floor. She’s obviously been crying, but when she catches sight of us walking towards her with smiling faces, her lips crack into a small, uncertain smile as well.
She runs to us with outstretched arms and hugs my tightly. “I was so worried about you, Maddy. Is everything okay? Is the baby…?” The uncertainty of everything makes her unable to finish her sentence.
Reid speaks for me as I just hold onto her tightly and cry at my best friend’s concern. “She’s just fine and the baby is fine too.” He kisses the side of my head reassuringly. “She just needs to go home and rest and drink lots of water.”
I feel Mel nod her head from our sisterly hug. She steps to the side and wraps an arm around my shoulder.
“I’ll go pull the car around and you walk her to the front.” Reid walks out in front of us and I can’t help the feeling of peace that bathes over me. The last time I saw him walk out of a hospital, I thought I would never see him again.
Now, I know for certain that I will never have to be without him.
Melanie helps me walk out to the car, and as I slide into my seat, she tells me that Momma is out for the weekend. Apparently, Linda landed some last minute passes to a spa weekend and Momma was all too quick to take her up on the offer.
After I’ve got my seat belt clicked into place, she says, “I’ll run to the store and pick up some food and whatnot and I’ll meet you guys at home.” She gently closes the door and walks away.
Reid starts the engine of the truck and pulls out of the parking lot. As he drives us back to the only home I’ve e
ver really known, I can’t help the small smile that curls at the corners of my mouth.
Reid notices it. “What are you smiling at over there?” His playful voice brightens my smile. Things feel good. They feel right.
“Nothing really. It’s just that the nurse called you ‘Daddy’ and you didn’t freak out. I’m happy, I guess.” I direct my smile over at him and I notice that his eyes are dancing with happiness.
“She did, didn’t she? I guess it hasn’t sunk in just yet. I mean, I know there’s a baby, but until she said it, I didn’t think of myself as a daddy.” He leans against the door and looks over at me, and it’s like I’m seeing him for the first time all over again, but in a completely different light this time.
I recall Momma’s words of advice to just let him get used to the idea of a baby on his own time table, to let him love me the way he knows how, to have faith that things will work out.
Looking at him now, in this moment, I can see the truth in her words of advice. He loves me; he wants this baby. It’s just space that he needed to make the decision on his own.
I reach out for his hand and he places his in mine. “I love you, Reid.”
“Love you too, babe. Now let’s get home and eat. I’m starving.” He kisses our entwined hands and returns his attention to the road ahead of us.
I call Momma on the way home. She starts crying immediately, but when I tell her that I heard the heartbeat and that the doctor is hopeful that everything will be alright, she calms down a little bit. She grills me all about Reid showing up and about what we talked about. I can’t say much with him right next to me, shooting me wry looks as I’m trying to evade her probing questions. I promise to fill her in on all of the details when she comes home. Before she hangs up, she tells me she loves me and I return her words. I miss her and right now, completely exhausted and emotionally over-wrought, I could use a hug from the only woman I’ll ever consider my mom.
Reid, Mel and I spend the rest of the afternoon watching a few movies and vegging out in the living room. As evening approaches, Mel tells us that she’s going to go out with a few friends. She leaves the house at around nine p.m. and tells us not to wait up for her.
Reid and I watch one more movie, and about a half an hour into it, I can’t stop yawning. I’m completely exhausted but the thought of sleeping on the couch again makes my back tense up.
Reid sees that I need to get some sleep and offers to make the couch up for me.
“No, that’s okay, babe. I’d rather sleep upstairs in my own bed. I’ll just go slow.” I move to get up from the couch, but Reid’s voice causes me to stop.
He looks at me sternly. “Like hell you will. The doctor said no stairs. Now, if you want to go upstairs, I’ll carry you.” I open my mouth to protest, but he doesn’t let me say anything. “No, Maddy. I’ll carry you. No arguing.” The finality in his words shuts me up, but it also lightens my heart. I know for certain that he loves me and now that I beyond any doubt that he loves our baby, I can breathe a little easier.
He bends down and hooks his arms under my knees and shoulders before effortlessly lifting me in his strong, caring arms.
I plant a sweet kiss to his neck. Inhaling his uniquely masculine scent makes desire swirl low in my belly. I kiss him again, this time not so sweetly. I feel him laugh lightly at me.
He pulls away from me and looks down into my green eyes. “I never thought I would say this Maddy, but no. You heard what the doctor said. Believe me, I would love to be with you tonight, but not until the doctor says it’s okay.” I nod at him; he’s right and I know it, but I still want him.
He carries me up to my room and places me on the small twin-sized bed that’s pushed up against the wall. Rummaging through my drawers he finds me some pajamas. “I’d rather wear your shirt.” I smile coyly at him. Really, I just want to watch him take it off.
“Fine then.” He pulls it up over his head from behind in one smooth motion. “But you’re still not getting laid.” He tosses the shirt at my face and we share a laugh.
He steps into the Jack-and-Jill bathroom that connects mine and Mel’s rooms and calls out, “Pink or purple?” It takes me a minute to realize that he’s asking about my toothbrush. “Reid, don’t be ridiculous. I can stand long enough to brush my teeth!”
He doesn’t even acknowledge my statement. He just repeats his question at which point I toss my hands in the air, giving into his antics. “Pink. Mine’s the pink one.”
He walks back into my room, toothbrush in one hand, upon which sits a dollop of tooth paste, and a cup of water in the other. He shoves the toothbrush in my face playfully. “The doctor said not to walk if you didn’t have to. I’m here so you don’t have to. Brush.” He instructs and I comply.
When he comes back a few minutes later, he smells minty fresh. “You didn’t use Mel’s toothbrush, did you? She’ll have a fit.” He shoots me an “are you kidding glare” and shakes his head no.
Arching an eyebrow in addition to the glare, he says, “My mouth has been all over your body, so I figured borrowing your toothbrush was not a huge issue.”
Thinking of the things he can do with his mouth – and oh lord, that tongue – is enough to silence me. He crawls into bed next to me and I curl around him. It’s almost like a routine – head on his chest, arm around his waist, leg hooked around his.
He starts running his fingertips gently through my hair and in mere minutes, I’m drifting fast asleep.
Through a yawn, I tell him that I love him.
I feel him press his lips to my hair and say, “I love you too, beautiful girl. And I love that you’re having my baby. Now, sleep, Maddy. You need your rest.”
I wake up before Maddy does, so I decide to go out to the kitchen and make us some breakfast. I pull on my jeans and look over at her curled up in her bed, wearing my shirt. I can’t help but think that she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I shake my head at my rather Romeo-like musings and quietly close the door behind me.
The whole mess from yesterday has me thinking about my mom all over again. No matter how much I want to push all thoughts of her from my head, I can’t. I know walking away from her, Joe and Katie wasn’t the right thing to do. It was an asshole move on my part, but I don’t want to deal with the pain. Over the years, I’ve gotten so good at keeping everything and everyone shut out, that the thought of letting them all in scares the shit out of me.
Apparently, I’m also really good at running away too.
Maybe I should call Katie. Maybe I should go back there. Maybe I can at least start to talk about it. I can’t get my fucking head on straight. Dealing with my mom, Maddy and the baby, I’m just a fucking mess.
I know I’m a coward because rather than dealing with my mom, rather than forgiving her like I know I should do, I ran. I know I’ll have to face her soon, but part of me wants to just ignore it for now. I’ve got more important things to worry about anyway.
Pushing thoughts of my past down as far as I can, I make my way to the kitchen in search of something for breakfast. Thank goodness that Momma is away this weekend because walking into a kitchen with some shirtless guy rifling through your cabinets is not exactly a calming start to a Sunday morning. I pull out the eggs and bread. Just as I peek my head out from behind the fridge door, I see Mel leaning up against the door frame snickering at me.
She waves her pointer finger in front of her chest from side to side. “I wouldn’t do that, if I were you.” She starts walking to me as she points to the eggs. “Those will make Maddy throw up in about two seconds flat.”
“Oh, shit. I had no idea. Thanks for the heads up.” I turn to place the eggs back in the fridge and hold up the bread. “Toast should be good, then right?”
As she nods, she says, “Yeah, just don’t burn it. That’ll definitely make her throw up.”
Mel busies herself with the coffee pot and I’m suddenly very thankful that she’s awake. Watching Maddy hurl all morning would definitely not have been
a good start to the day.
As I’m about to pull two slices of bread out of the bag, Melanie places her hand on top of mine to stop me. “Why don’t you let her sleep a little bit? She’s been worrying herself sick all week about where you were and what would happen to you guys. Add in what happened yesterday and I think she could use as much sleep as she can get.”
She sits down at the small eat-in kitchen table and pats the chair next to her. “Sit down. Let’s chat.” Her words seem innocent enough, but I know that an inquisition is waiting for me.
She leans forward and steeples her hands together in front of her. “So, what gives, Reid? Why did you just up and leave her?”
I huff a small insincere laugh. “Is that what you think happened? You think I just up and left my pregnant girlfriend?” I look at her in disbelief, but a part of me knows that she’s right. Maddy may have pushed, but I didn’t push back.
Her eyes narrow in on my face. “Well, what else am I supposed to think? You were gone for a whole week and you never once tried to get in touch with anyone. No one knew where you were. Maddy was certain that she’d lost you forever and that she was going to be on her own with the baby. So, if you say you didn’t leave her, then please, clarify for me what exactly happened.” Her last words are more than a little sarcastic and snide, but I know Melanie well; she’s just protecting Maddy.
My lips curl at the corners thinking about how much she loves Maddy. I can’t help but agree with her, but I’ll be damned if she’s going to accuse me of not wanting to be with Maddy, of not wanting my baby.
I lean back in my chair and lace my fingers behind my head. Deliberately pausing to gather my thoughts pisses Melanie off something awful. She starts impatiently bouncing her knee up and down shaking the table as she does so. The coffee pot finishes brewing and I stand to make up our cups. I take my sweet ass time too.
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