She chuckles and buries her face in my neck. Nuzzling close to my sweat streaked skin, she whispers, “And I fucking love you too.”
Falling asleep in my arms, still naked and entwined with my love, her back softly pressed up against my front, I feel like a new chapter of my life is on the horizon. The possibilities are endless. For once, I don’t feel chained to my past. I feel freed by my future.
Since Katie and Maddy are planning on having a ‘girlie’ afternoon – nail polishing and hair styling – Dylan and I decide to go out for lunch. He was hesitant at first, not wanting to go out into public. I guess fear isn’t a feeling that fades quickly. I can’t imagine what it’s like to not want to go back to your own hometown because you’re afraid for your life. It will never make sense to me.
When we were on the phone, I asked him if anyone else knew about his and Shane’s relationship. He told me about how my father threatened him after Shane died, saying that he would kill him if he ever told anyone about Shane. My father essentially scared Dylan out of his own hometown. So, I know that being back here is a huge thing for Dylan.
Pulling into the Chili’s parking lot, I understand immediately why he chose a chain restaurant instead of the diner like I suggested. There are plenty of people here. No one will even notice him. We can just blend into the background.
I kill the engine and walk into the restaurant. Dylan is sitting at the bar. That was another stipulation of our lunch – no booths or tables. “Guys getting together to watch the game sit at the bar,” he told me when we made the plans yesterday. So here we are - two guys sitting together, watching some college football game, having a few beers, remembering a common loss.
The bartender slides me a coaster as I take my seat next to Dylan. “What can I get you?”
I eye Dylan’s mostly empty mug, and answer, “Two of whatever that was.”
As the bartender turns to get us our drinks, I notice that Dylan’s leg is bouncing wildly under his stool. He’s tapping his fingers on the bar-top like he’s just had ten cups of coffee. “You okay, man? You’re shaking like a fiend.” He doesn’t respond to my question immediately. Instead, he scans the rest of the bar area like there’s a sniper waiting for him in the corner.
Dylan still hasn’t made eye contact with me. Returning his eyes to the television in front of us, he says, “Yeah, I’m okay. I just don’t like being here, that’s all.” I know that by “here” he means Denning. I hate being here too. He pitches his voice low so that no one can hear him. There are a few people seated around the bar and the tables are all full, but the only one who can really hear us is the bartender who just placed our beers in front of us.
We’ll just have to talk about Shane later. Right now, it’s just going to be about two old friends catching up. The football Gods must have heard my thoughts because at that exact moment, the bar erupts into loud cheers and whistles.
“Holy shit! Did you just see that? A ninety-eight yard return!” I’m usually more of a baseball fan, but anyone watching the game would have to admit to the awesomeness of that play.
Dylan turns in his seat to face me and takes a large gulp of his beer. “I read a scouting report the other day that the quarterback is probably going to go in the first round of the draft this year.” And just like that, the conversation flows naturally. Stats and scores, playoff games and the upcoming Superbowl – it’s almost as if we haven’t missed out on the last five years.
The next hour or so passes quickly. We eat, drink and chat about football and old times. When the conversation drifts to my plans for after graduation, the atmosphere shifts and Dylan takes a sudden interest in my words.
“Wait you mean you are going into counseling?” His tone is shocked, but at the same time, I notice a bit of pride coloring his words as well.
Finishing the last sip of my beer, I wipe my mouth. “Yeah, I actually have this great internship back in Ithaca. I’ll be in a few schools working with the kids and other counselors. Aside from being apart from Maddy, I’m really excited about it.”
“So you two are serious then, huh?” Dylan’s eyebrow arches playfully and he elbows me in the side.
My chest swells with pride and love as I say, “She’s having my baby, so yeah, I’d say we’re serious.” Everyone who is important to us already knows about the baby. Somehow, telling Dylan feels natural – almost like I’m telling Shane.
He claps his hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently. “Seriously? That’s great, Reid. I’m thrilled for you guys.” Suddenly afraid of his gesture of friendship, small though it may be, he straightens in his seat and gets lost in thought for a few moments.
Realization creeps across his face. “But wait you just said you were going back to Ithaca. Is she going with you?” He begins picking at the napkin, which was under his drink. Apparently, relationship talk makes him nervous.
I huff at the reality that our time is running out. In just a few days, my time with Maddy will be relegated to nighttime phone calls and weekend sleepovers. “Well, she just got a job back in Elmira – that’s where she lives. And the baby’s doctor is there. We just got an apartment together too, but it looks like I won’t be living there with her until the spring.”
He swipes his hand across his face. “Wow, that’s blows. I mean you guys having to spend that much time apart.” Dylan’s eyes convey the sadness that he feels for Maddy and I having to be apart. I wish more than anything that we didn’t have to be, that Dylan’s words didn’t have to be true, but they are. In fact, in just one week, Maddy and I will spend more of our time apart than together. I hate it.
“Yeah, it does. I’ve tried to move my internship, but there just aren’t any openings in schools in Elmira and I haven’t been able to find anything else. I love Maddy and I want to move into the apartment with her, but I can’t just up and leave this position.” Dylan sighs and leans forward, folding his arms in front of him on the bar. Blankly staring at the football game on the television, he looks lost in thought.
Shifting abruptly, he twists toward me. He seems conflicted, but I can’t tell over what. It’s not his life that’s in upheaval. “Look, I don’t know if it’ll work out, but the place where I work, The Bridge, well, I might be able to see if I can get you in there. It’s right outside of Elmira, so location-wise it should work out. We work with local school districts to set up Gay Straight Alliances and we do work in the community to help change the climate for acceptance.” He registers the look of shock on my face and quickly begins speaking before I can even get a word out. “I’ve been there for a few years. I’m not sure, but I might be able to pull some strings to see if there’s an internship opening. Hell, if things work out, you could end up there fulltime.”
“Are you serious? That would be fucking amazing.” My mind is racing with a million thoughts and I know my voice just conveyed how excited I am for the chance at this position. Living with Maddy and getting to keep my hopes for my dream job that would be perfect.
“Yeah, I’ll see what I can do and give you a call this week.” He smiles happily at me and I catch a glimpse of the real Dylan – not the fearful one who is scared to be seen in public.
I want to spend more time with him, so I venture a question. “Would you want to come back to the house with me for a bit? I know Maddy would love to meet you. Joe and Katie will be there too. I think there’s another game on later too.” He signs the bill that the bartender just slid in front of us and says, “Sure. I’d like to meet them too.”
As Dylan and I pull into Joe’s driveway, in separate cars, I notice another car parked across the street. I’m not too familiar with the neighbors or anything like that, I’ve only been here a few days, but I know that I haven’t seen this car before.
As I close my door, Dylan approaches me and notices the quizzical look on my face. Just as I’m about to say something, I notice someone getting out of the unfamiliar gray sedan. My fists clench at my side; my jaw tightens so tightly that cracking a tooth is a ver
y real possibility.
As the man approaches us, my pulse quickens and my mind races.
It’s my father.
Dylan recognizes him and stands by my side. My father eyes us and a look of disgust contorts his angry and overweight face. “What the fuck are you doing back here?” His voice is laced with fury and hatred. His words make bile rise in my throat.
Stepping forward and into his space, I tower over him by a few inches. “I could ask you the same thing.” Folding my arms across my chest, I notice that he suddenly recognizes I’m no longer the thinly muscled teenager that I used to be.
He just huffs a dismissive laugh in my face. “I thought that was you I saw driving through town the other day, but when I heard that your mother finally died, I knew it. So I came by today to pay my respects.” His words drip sarcasm and nastiness. In that instant, all of the years of her abuse come crashing down around me.
With visions of Shane’s lifeless body floating in a bloody bathtub and my mom’s weak, frail body lying in the coffin, I step towards him with clenched fists. “You’re a fucking piece of shit!” I scream in his face.
Maddy must have heard me pull in and is now frozen on the spot as I stand face-to-face with my father. We look similar enough in features and build that she can figure out who he is.
Maddy races down towards me, screaming. Her words fall on deaf ears, though. I will not back down from this piece of shit that destroyed my family. There is no way in hell I’m letting him take me down like he did to Shane and Mom.
Dylan catches Maddy before she gets too close. I hear Dylan say, “No, Maddy. Stay here with me. The baby.”
With my hand clenched in a tight fist, I feel someone grab me from behind. Joe quickly steps in between my father and me. He pushes me far enough out of the way as Thomas Connely, the coward of a man who is my father, steps back unsteadily.
My father looks at Joe arrogantly. “So I supposed you’re the prick she married after leaving me. Don’t think I haven’t kept tabs on you.”
Joe doesn’t even respond to him. He just stands in between the two of us. When my father realizes that Joe isn’t going to say anything, he scoffs a laugh at him. “Whatever, she was just a useless bitch anyway. And you,” he eyes me and I step to Joe’s side, “are you a fag now too? Hanging out with this one,” he tips his chin in Dylan’s direction, “you’d have to be.”
Rage boils and I push Joe out of the way and punch my father with a nasty right hook.
“Reid!” Joe’s arms wrap around mine tightly and he pulls me back again. “He’s not worth it. Just leave him alone.”
With a nasty look on his face, my father says to Joe, “Leave this between me and my son.” He wipes the blood from his nose and spits to the ground.
Joe has to restrain me yet again as the word “son” comes out of my father’s mouth. Taking a deep breath, I gather all the hateful, angry feelings I’ve kept pent up all these years and spew them right into my father’s arrogant face.
“I am not your son! You are dead to me. You have been for years, but this little scene, you and your fucking bullshit, seal it for me. Get the fuck out of here and leave me and my real family alone. You’re just a scared little piece of shit who bullied his own wife and kids. I’m not taking it anymore.” My throat hurts from the yelling and I can feel the veins bulging in my neck and face, which I’m sure is bright red.
I step into his space one last time. Menacingly close to his face, I venomously whisper, “If I ever see you again, I swear, you won’t be able to walk away from me. So turn around and walk away now, while you still can.”
When he doesn’t start walking immediately, I jerk my body forward, threatening to hit him again and I absolutely love that he flinches. Huffing at me, he says, “Fine. Go be one of them.” He indicates Dylan and my rage bubbles at the surface at his stupidity and blind hatred.
I don’t waste my energy on another word. I just wait patiently for him to walk away.
As my father returns to his car and pulls off down the road, I turn and face Joe. “I’m proud of you, son.” As he says the words I have longed to hear my entire life, I know that, even though my mom is dead, Joe will continue to be a part of my life. As we walk towards everyone else, Joe claps his hand proudly on my shoulder. I can’t help but beam with pride. I don’t think that my father will ever come back into my life, but if he does, he better be ready for a few punches.
When I get to Maddy, there are tears streaking down her cheeks, but she races into my arms and hugs me tightly.
Banding my arms around her, I kiss her on top of her head and whisper, “I’m sorry you had to see that, sweetheart.”
Wiping her face on my jacket, she looks up at me with red and puffy eyes. “You don’t ever have to apologize for standing up for your family. I love you.”
“I love you too, Maddy.”
I pull her to my side and walk towards the door. Dylan, Katie and Joe follow behind and we all retreat into the small, cozy place that I now consider a home.
“Hey, man. You ready to leave? The guys are probably starting without us.” Dylan asks peering over the top of my cubicle. “Yeah. Give me five more minutes.” I nod at him and begin shutting down my computer and organizing the files that I’ll need for Monday morning.
I shake my head remembering the first fight Maddy and I had after we moved in back in January. I didn’t text her when I went out after work with some of the guys. I don’t need that shit again.
“Where the hell have you been? You were supposed to be home over three hours ago? Have you even checked your phone? I’ve been texting and calling you non-stop!” Okay, so I guess the pregnancy hormones have kicked in.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and realize, obviously a little too late, that the battery is dead. “My battery died, Maddy. I’m…” Before I can even get the word “sorry” out she’s back at it again with the yelling.
“You could have called. I made dinner and everything, and now it’s ruined.” She storms off into the kitchen of our small apartment – the one that we moved into immediately after I was placed at The Bridge, a chapter of the Gay Straight Alliance where Dylan works. Watching her full hips sway as she stomps off in front of me, makes me smile. If not for Dylan coming to my mom’s funeral and offering me that opportunity, then I wouldn’t be living here to have this little fight with Maddy.
“Wait a second. Did I hear you correctly? You cooked?” Yes, there’s shock in my voice. Maddy does not cook – well, she tries, but it never turns out all that great.
Hands on hips, she’s in full on tantrum mode. Turning to face me, she taps her foot on the floor in front of her and rolls her eyes at me. I can feel the mood lightening just a little bit. “Yes, I cooked. Jerk.” She huffs at me and then turns back to the stove upon which sits one pot.
Coming up behind her, I wrap my arms around her expanding waist. She’s only about three months pregnant and while her slightly rounded belly still fits within the circle of my arms, it’s starting to show and I love it. Nuzzling into her neck and inhaling the sweet smell of her hair, I kiss the spot on her neck that’s a guaranteed goose bump starter. “I’m sorry, baby. I should have called.” Peering into the pot to check out what’s for dinner, I laugh as I say, “If I would have known that mac and cheese was on the menu, I would have left work early even.”
She twirls around within my arms and sighs at me. “Okay, fine. I never said it was a gourmet, five course meal, but you just got done with your first week at work, and I just thought you would come right home.”
She’s so fucking adorable, making me mac and cheese – the blue box kind with the cheese powder and all – just because I completed my first week of my internship. “I’m sorry. Dylan and a few of the other guys just wanted to take me out for a quick beer to celebrate. I didn’t even realize that I was that late.” Kissing her softly, I feel her body melt up against mine as she squeezes me back.
We stand leaning up against the counter for a few mo
re minutes, and as I look around the small, but modern kitchen, I’m still in awe at the fact that somehow everything worked out. Her head is tucked under my chin and she’s nuzzling into my chest. “Baby, I can’t promise we’ll never fight again, and I’m not saying this as an excuse, but I’ve never had to answer to anyone. This is all so new to me. We’ve only been living together for what, like two weeks?” She pulls back and looks up at me. Her eyes are softer; her early aggravation is dissipating. After a simple nod of recognition from her, I continue my train of thought.
“I will most definitely screw up again. I can guarantee that much, but I promise you this – I will try my hardest to at least call you before I do.” I hope the dorky lopsided grin I flash her conveys just how much I love her.
She smiles back at me – a bit less dorky, but still pretty damn cute. “I’m sorry too, Reid. It’s all new to me too. I promise I’ll at least try not to freak out so much next time you screw up. Deal?”
I kiss her firmly and say, “Deal” agreeing to her terms.
We didn’t have to live apart from each other like we had originally thought. Even though there have been challenges, and I’m sure there will be more fights – much worse than this one, I don’t care. I get to sleep next to her every night. We get to share this apartment together, now rather than later. And I still get to do the job I’ve always wanted to do. Life is pretty damn perfect, if you ask me.
Shaking the memories of our first, let’s call it a ‘misunderstanding’, from my mind, I fire off the text.
Me: Hey baby. Going out to grab a few drinks with Dylan. See you around 9 xoxo
Maddy: Have fun. Say hi to Dylan for me. I’ll be waiting for you ;) xoxo
Me: Hmmmm – naked hopefully ;)
Maddy: Guess you’ll have to wait and see – love you.
Me: Love you too. See you later.
Let Love Stay Page 23