It hadn’t felt right even when he’d agreed, but losing Hayden was worse. He’d apologized automatically. Hayden had been trying, had gone out of his way to accommodate Christian’s need for privacy and still he’d accused him of outing him without asking first.
Blowing out a breath, he turned off the engine, walked up to Hayden’s door, knocked and waited. Before he’d always met Hayden somewhere, but after thinking on it some more he’d offered to pick his lover up for their date. He rubbed his palms on his jeans again. They’d been together for two months, had had sex in every room in both of their houses at least once and he was nervous. He’d stared at his closest far longer than he’d ever care to admit trying to decide what to wear. He’d finally gone with jeans and a dark green Polo-style shirt and loafers, wearing Hayden’s favorite cologne on him.
“Hey sweetheart,” Christian said when the door opened. He looked his lover up and down and licked his lips. Hayden looked better than before. Snug jeans coupled with a gray t-shirt and gray button down shirt covered in black and white tribal-looking designs.
Hayden took a step back and Christian followed him into the house, closing the door behind them. Pulling Hayden into his arms, he captured Hayden’s mouth, turned them so Hayden was against the door and kissed him deeply. He hadn’t seen his lover in a couple of days, not wanting to raise suspicion in case someone had noticed how close they were becoming. Christian had missed this. Missed Hayden in his arms.
“Now, that is a hello,” Hayden chuckled after they parted.
“You smell good,” Christian said, kissing the man’s ear lightly. “Are you ready to go? To bad there isn’t time to play before we do.”
“No, there isn’t. You should have planned better,” Hayden replied, nipping at Christian’s throat. “Just need my wallet and phone.”
Five minutes later they were on their way to the restaurant. Christian’s nerves were taut. One more person knew he was gay. A man Hayden knew well, but Christian didn’t. A double date? What had he been thinking? And a straight couple at that. At least with another gay couple they could pretend just to be hanging out. He knew some of the wives welcomed the single guys over for dinner, usually followed by either video games or a game on the television, but he didn’t know of a single girlfriend that tolerated it. Most of them were possessive and offended if anyone was around.
“Relax,” Hayden said, laying his hand on Christian’s thigh.
Christian let go of the wheel and squeezed Hayden’s hand. “I am. Do you know the woman O’Shaunessy is dating?”
“Yeah, they’ve been together for about a year and a half now. And before you ask, she doesn’t know I’m gay, she might suspect, but she’s never asked, and I’ve never told her.”
“And she doesn’t have a problem with her boyfriend bringing a couple of friends along?”
Hayden shrugged. “If she does, she never says anything.”
“Not even to Brian?”
Hayden cocked his head and was quiet for several moments before answering. “He’s never mentioned it.”
Christian nodded and turned his attention back to the road. Hayden’s hand stayed where it was, and he took advantage of the nearness, caressing the skin with his thumb. Maybe if everything went well tonight, he could take Hayden to his favorite spot at the beach. Maybe a picnic dinner followed by a sunset, stars and sex on the beach. Lots of sex. It was naturally secluded, which offered privacy from the beachgoers. However, if anyone was doing beach entries they could have company. Christian swallowed and shook his head. He wanted to take Hayden there anyway.
“Do you want to go to the beach with me sometime? I know this great place along the coast,” Christian said, turning briefly to Hayden.
“I’d like that.”
Christian noticed Hayden’s body seemed more relaxed as they pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant. Doubt crept in. Was Hayden was happier and more relaxed because they were no longer alone or because he’d asked him out again? The first didn’t make any sense. Hayden was highly trained SEAL, defending himself was second nature so there would be no reason to fear being alone with him. The latter made more sense, especially given that Christian was proving he was more of a homebody than normal.
Pulling into a parking spot, he wanted to hug and kiss Hayden right then and there. He gripped the steering wheel instead. He needed to figure out what he wanted and needed. Fast. Time was not on his side. Missions. Orders. Re-assignments, not to mention his own stubbornness, all threatened their relationship. Squeezing Hayden’s hand, he turned the truck off and pocketed his keys.
Christian followed Hayden into the restaurant, wanting to touch him, to mark him as taken. He swallowed his desire and kept his hands to himself. If his team knew then maybe, but they didn’t, and if anyone who knew them saw them those types of gestures would be all over base by mid-morning. Hayden gave their name to the hostess, who led them to the back of the restaurant and a booth that overlooked a large man-made pond.
“Hope you two don’t mind a booth,” Brian O’Shaunessy said, smiling. “You’ll have to sit together, since I don’t want either of you Neanderthals trying to feel up my girl.”
Hayden shot Brian a dirty look and slid into the booth. Normally Christian preferred a table, but in this case the booth let him sit next to his man without anyone being the wiser. Christian smiled and shook his head and sat down next to Hayden. Slipping his hand under the table, he squeezed Hayden’s thigh. It wasn’t an ideal date. Ideally, there would be dinner and dancing and just the two of them. But they didn’t have ideally because he hadn’t wanted to take their relationship out of the house quite yet. Hell, they could’ve had dinner in the city and dancing at Diversions.
“Alexa you know Hayden. This is a friend of ours, Christian,” Brian said introducing the full-figured red head sitting next to him.
“Nice to meet you Alexa,” Christian said, reaching over the table to shake hands with the woman.
“Nice to meet you Christian. Brian didn’t say two handsome men were joining us,” Alexa said.
“I didn’t say any handsome men were joining us. I said a couple of friends of mine were joining us. How the hell would I know if they’re handsome or cute or whatever?”
“They’re handsome, trust me,” Alexa said winking at them.
The conversation over dinner revolved around mostly mundane topics and the movie they were about to see, with he and Hayden sneaking occasional touches under the table. Beside him, he could feel the tension in Hayden’s body return. Christian blew out a breath. The restaurant was a local favorite, and he’d already seen several people he knew. The date was a mistake. There was no way he could go through with it. He wasn’t ready to have his sex life known to everyone under the sun.
Movement from the other side of the booth pulled Christian from his thoughts. The waitress was bringing their checks just as Alexa left the table. Christian grabbed both his check and Hayden’s and hung onto them. Putting both bills into one of the black books, he retrieved his credit card from his wallet and slid inside. They hadn’t talked about who was paying for what. But, it was a date, one he’d owed Hayden. The least he could do was pay. Hopefully, the movie would go better.
Christian looked around the room and reached for Hayden’s hand and entwined their fingers. He wanted to do more, to go further, but he couldn’t bring himself to take the final steps. It wasn’t like a gay club where everyone knew what to expect and judgment was reserved for things other than the gender of the person you slept with. He didn’t mind going out with his boyfriend, he hated that he wasn’t comfortable showing the man he cared about affection.
Cared about.
Christian tossed the words around in his head. He cared about Hayden. How much? Was it enough to come out to his teammates for? Was Hayden worth it? Was he the one?
Chapter Eight
Hayden stared out the window as they left the restaurant and turned onto the main road. The drive to the town’s newer of tw
o movie theaters would take twenty minutes give or take, depending on traffic.
“I’m trying,” Christian said, his voice quiet and strained.
Logically, Hayden knew that. It still hurt. It still sucked. He still felt like a dirty secret. “I know. It’s not enough. I’m tired of hiding. The team knows I’m gay. I’m not going to throw it anyone’s face, but damn it, I’m not going to hide anymore. I haven’t hidden who I am in ages. The guys I fight with have known since—fuck it, it doesn’t matter. What matters is you keeping me a secret.”
“I’m not keeping you a secret, I—”
“Bullshit!” Hayden yelled, turning to face his lover. “You had to make sure no one was looking before you took my hand. Even that looked painful. Like fulfilling an unwanted promise.”
“I—”
“Save it. Figure it out, Christian. Do you want me or a fuck-buddy? Because you’re treating me like a fuck-buddy.”
“I don’t date fuck-buddies.”
“Yeah, well, you’re not dating me either. I’m not sure why you changed your mind about tonight, but somehow I doubt that’s the smartest move you’ve ever made.”
They pulled into the parking lot of the movie theater and sat in tense silence.
“I’ll find my own way home tonight. I’m not spending it with you,” Hayden said flatly. Looking out across the lot, he saw Alexa and Brian get out of his friend’s bright red Mustang. “They’re waiting for us. Are you coming or not?”
“Hayden, wait. I’ll take you home.”
“I’m going to watch the movie. I’ve been wanting to see this one. You can join me or not. That’s your choice.” Hayden got out of the truck without waiting for Christian’s answer.
“Hayden, wait!” Christian yelled.
They both came to a halt a dozen feet from the entrance to the movie theater when they saw Alexa standing with her arms crossed looking incredibly pissed off. Hayden swallowed. Brian stood several feet away, in a similar position, looking slightly amused.
“Alexa, what’s wrong?” Hayden asked looking from Alexa to his friend and back again, unable to figure out what was going on.
“You two,” she said flatly. “You almost ruined my dinner, and you’re not going to ruin the rest of my night.”
“We—I—” Hayden began.
“Before you say anything, I know you two are seeing each other. I also know that one of you doesn’t want anyone else to find out.” Alexa glared at both of them.
“How the—” Christian started to ask.
“Biggest bunch of bullshit,” Alexa shouted interrupting him. “Figure out what you want and what you’ll regret when you lose it.”
“How—Brian?” Hayden stammered.
“Dude, you two are on your own. I know better than to piss her off,” Brian smirked.
“And keep your attitudes in check,” Alexa continued ignoring what anyone was saying. “Because I’ll be damned if the rest of this night sucks because you two can’t figure out that no one who counts gives a rat’s ass who you love or fuck. So long as that person doesn’t already belong to someone else or is underage.” Alexa turned and walked away, looping her arm through Brian’s.
“I should—”
“You can think about it later. Let’s try to enjoy tonight. Movie theaters are dark. We can sit in the back,” Hayden replied, not entirely sure why he was trying so hard to convince his boyfriend to stay with him. His gut told him if Christian walked away now, they were done. He was a SEAL. He was not going to lose the man he wanted. Not without a fight.
Christian nodded, and they walked into the theater. Again, Christian insisted on paying. It felt almost like a real date. He hoped Alexa’s words made some sort of dent in Christian’s logic. Heaven knew that nothing he’d said over the past couple of months had worked.
After purchasing drinks, they headed to the theater. They were early enough to get a seat in the back. One that let them watch the movie without feeling exposed. Once in the theater Christian’s hand slid down and over his ass before coming to rest on his lower back. Hayden arched into the touch. He couldn’t help it. He wanted to know that he wasn’t wasting time with the wrong man.
“You two first,” Alexa said. “I always wanted to be surrounded by big, strong men.”
Hayden laughed, and Christian sputtered.
“I’m man enough for you,” Brian growled.
“Yes, but most, well some, women fantasize about being the center of attention for several hot men,” Alexa shrugged.
Christian led the way into the short row, leaving a seat between him and the wall breaking up the top few rows. Hayden sat next to him, with Alexa in between him and Brian. Christian’s fingers intertwined with his, and Hayden pulled Christian towards him, giving his lover a quick, chaste kiss, before deepening it.
“You know, this gives me an idea,” Christian whispered.
“You riding my cock during a movie?” Hayden asked, brushing his thumb over Christian’s knuckles.
“Um, no, but now that you mention it, we’ll have to try it.”
Hayden laughed and settled in to watch the movie. Christian had lightened up considerably since they entered the theater. He knew it had more to do with their surroundings than anything else said or done. Hayden blew out a breath. He was going to enjoy the evening and the time he could spend with Christian. For him, good memories helped to fight the bad ones and eased the time spent alone in whatever hellhole the military chose to send them.
They watched the previews and the movie. Alexa’s comments on how hot the lead actor was and detailing the finer points of the man’s ass had earned a snort from Brian and nods of agreement from both him and Christian. Brian’s comment on the actress and her breasts was met with a “yes, but are they naturally that perky?” from Christian that had Alexa nearly choking on the drink she’d just taken.
“You two need to work things out, that was too much fun,” Alexa said as they stood, waiting for the theater to clear. “Tell you what, next week we’ll have movie night at my house. We can grill something.”
“Why your house and not Brian’s?” Hayden asked raising an eyebrow.
“He has an apartment, not a house. And there is more room to spread out and get comfortable,” Alexa answered rolling her eyes.
“Sounds good,” Christian replied. “But can we make it two weeks? There’s something I want to show Hayden next week.”
“Works for me.”
They said their goodbyes at the main doors and separated. Hayden walked with Christian back to the other man’s truck. They rode back to his house talking about the movie and how it compared to other movies they’d seen and what seemed plausible. The drive gave him time to confirm his decision about just having Christian drop him off. Sex with Christian was great, but it wasn’t enough, and there was still too much unsaid between him for him to ignore it.
“I had a really great time,” Christian said as they pulled into a parking spot in front of Hayden’s building and turned off the engine.
“I did to. Thank you for going out with me tonight.”
Christian nodded. “I want to try it again. Just the two of us. Maybe Wednesday for dinner.”
“Dinner sounds good,” Hayden replied. Dinner out sounded great. He could ease into it with Christian. He could help the man learn how to date in public.
“I’m trying. I want to try.”
“I know, love, I know,” Hayden replied sliding across the seat and pulling Christian in for a kiss. “It’ll take time.”
Christian nodded. Smiling, Hayden reached out and opened his door. Walking into his house, he could only pray that he wasn’t making another mistake.
* * * *
Christian scowled and looked at his watch. Time moved slowly. They’d been home for forty-eight hours and were scheduled for night shooting. It had been three months since the double date with Brian and his girlfriend Alexa. The following Wednesday, he and Hayden were just about to sit down for dinner, when Christi
an’s phone rang, and he’d been ordered back to base. He’d been gone for a month only to learn when they’d returned that Hayden’s team had gone for urban training before being mobilized. They’d been sent back to South America three and a half weeks ago looking for missing Americans. He knew there was no way to know when his boyfriend would get back and the wait was killing him.
Grabbing his gear out of the vehicle, he hoped a night of shooting would help take his mind off from Hayden.
“Dude, what the fuck is up with you?” Jason asked, joining him as they made their way into the range.
Christian shrugged. He hadn’t told anyone he was seeing Hayden, that he wanted to do more than just see Hayden. The time apart had given Christian a chance to think about it all, Hayden and their relationship. He still wasn’t sure Hayden was the one, but he was ready to stop hiding who he was and who he was dating. They listened to the briefing from the range supervisor before taking their places. The door opened and in walked a young man Christian had seen in passing before at the range.
“Williams! Get over here!”
“What the fuck is going on?” Jason asked as they stopped and turned back toward the range supervisor.
Christian shrugged and made his way over to where the two men were standing.
“You wanted to see me Chief?”
“Report to Lieutenant Ellison’s office,” the older man said sharply. “Morganstern, back to your station.”
“Yes, Chief.”
Twenty minutes later he was standing in front of the platoon officer’s desk. An older man sat in one of the two chairs in the office.
“Have a seat Petty Officer Williams,” Lieutenant Ellison said curtly.
“Yes sir,” Christian said sitting down, his gaze finding the cross on the other man’s uniform. His stomach clenched and his mouth was suddenly dry. Chaplain. What the hell was a chaplain doing here? He wasn’t on speaking terms with his family, so it’s not like anyone would think to notify him if something had happened.
“Do you know if Petty Officer Medema has any family?” Lieutenant Ellison asked, after the Senior Chief walked in, closing the door behind him.
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