by Diane Burke
Gingerly she laced her fingers with his. “I didn’t even kiss my dad goodbye. I was getting Jack ready for day care and running late. As he left, I yelled, ‘Be safe.’” She chuckled humorlessly. “Be safe. Is a cop ever safe?
“That afternoon my father stopped a car for speeding. I often wonder what he was thinking when he walked up to the driver’s door. Was he whistling, like he often did, figuring it was just another routine traffic stop? Was he cautious? Did he feel fear? All those years…and I never once asked him anything about his job.”
She dabbed her nose with a wadded up tissue from her pocket. “I’m sure Dad didn’t know a drug dealer sat waiting to shoot him to death.”
Erin looked down. “Are you listening, Tony? Can you hear what I’m trying to tell you?”
Tony moaned. “Erin,” he whispered so softly it seemed no more than a breath of air.
“Yes, sweetheart, it’s Erin. You’re out of surgery and the doctor says you’re going to be just fine.” She kissed the side of his face and rained kisses gently on his closed eyelids.
“I’m a coward, Tony. I don’t have what it takes to be a supportive cop’s wife. And I know that deep inside you know that, too.” She laid her head gently on his shoulder and wept. Afternoon shadows fell in waves across the bed. She stood and looked down one more time at the sleeping man. Her lips curved into a smile that held no joy. “Goodbye, Tony.” Without another word, she walked away.
He sat behind the wheel of his car and watched the entourage exit the hospital. He cursed aloud and then cursed again. He thought shooting that cop would have cleared his way. Now it was worse. More cops. They were like cockroaches. Kill one and a dozen more take its place.
He watched the family climb into a minivan. One cop got in the van with them. The other two got in a police car and he knew they would follow her home.
Go away. She doesn’t need protection. She needs punishment.
He laughed. Couldn’t they see the irony of it all? They were the stupid ones. She had them all fooled. The cops were protecting the bad guy.
He couldn’t risk following them back to the house. He’d already driven by once today thinking the house would be empty, but he’d been wrong. Cops were everywhere. Scraping. Bagging. Photographing. Like he’d be stupid enough to leave anything for them to find.
“I’m not stupid,” he screamed aloud. “I’m not.” He pounded his fist on the steering wheel. She made him so angry. It had never been this hard before. His head pounded, the pain behind his eyes intensified. He wouldn’t give up. Not now. Not ever. He’d make her pay. And he’d enjoy every second of it.
He rubbed the space between his eyes and waited for the pain to subside. Think. What could he do to get the cops to go away? He rocked back and forth and moaned. Think. Think. Slowly, he counted to ten. He took several deep breaths and tried to quiet his thoughts.
When he opened his eyes, the solution flashed through his mind and he smiled. Why didn’t he think of it sooner? He tossed it around for another minute or two and grinned. He knew exactly what he had to do to get the cops to leave. He turned the key in the ignition. It won’t be long now, Erin O’Malley. Scurry away. Try to hide. None of it will matter. Death is right behind you.
SEVENTEEN
“Okay to come in?” Patrick ducked his head in the room. When Tony nodded, he crossed to the bed and made a show of examining the bandage on Tony’s head. “Ouch, I bet that hurt.”
“That’s what you said yesterday. And the day before.”
“Can’t help it, son. Call it like I see it. Does it hurt?”
“Only when I smile.” Tony smiled.
They both chuckled.
“How’s Erin?” Tony, desperate for news, stared at the man.
“She’s fine.” Patrick pulled a chair closer to the hospital bed. “You need to start thinking about yourself, boy. You’ve got a lot of healing to do.”
Tony waited until Patrick made himself comfortable. His eyes locked with the older man’s and he asked again, “How’s Erin?”
“She’s safe. Tess and the children are safe. Your police buddies are with them 24/7. I can’t be sure but I think some of them are showing up off the clock just to help out.” Patrick chuckled. “At first Erin hated it but she’s adjusted. She’s actually making homemade cookies and hot coffee for each shift. I’ll really worry about her when she makes doughnuts.”
Tony laughed and then grimaced as the movement sent pain shooting through his back.
“What do they tell you about that bullet hole of yours? Are you going to be able to shoot straight after this?”
Tony admired the old man’s honesty. He spoke his mind and didn’t play games.
“I’ll be fine. Doc says once the stitches are out I’ll need physical therapy for a while, but in the long run, I’ll be as good as new.”
Patrick nodded, pleasure at the news evident on his face. “How much longer are they keeping you in here?”
“I expect to be discharged day after tomorrow.” Tony shifted his weight, but it didn’t do much to alleviate the discomfort from sitting too long on the mattress. “It won’t be soon enough. I’m going crazy in here.”
“I hear you. Do you need anything?”
Both men looked at each other and neither had to speak. There was only one thing Tony needed and Patrick couldn’t provide it.
“It’s been three days, Patrick.”
“I know.”
“Not a visit. Not a phone call. What’s going on?”
Patrick shrugged. “If it’s any consolation, she hasn’t left the house. She keeps busy with the children, cleans, cooks and sleeps. The tension in the house is so thick you could cut it with a knife. We’re all in some kind of holding pattern like an aircraft circling for a safe place to land.” Patrick crossed his leg and rested his ankle against his opposite knee. “Sometimes pretending nothing is wrong is so stressful that I’ve considered trading places with you for a day or two.”
“I have flashes, disjointed pictures in my mind,” Tony said. Silence stretched between them. “I’m not sure if it really happened or if I imagined it. Erin was in my hospital room. She was stroking my hair and kissing my face…”
“I’ve had a couple of those dreams myself about Tess. Then I’d wake up.”
Both men chuckled.
Tony looked away. The hollow, empty feeling in his gut told him it hadn’t been his imagination. “She told me she loved me but that she was leaving me.” Tony looked at the old man and couldn’t keep the pain out of his voice. “Is that why I haven’t seen or heard from her since I’ve been in here?”
Patrick squirmed. “Look, boy, I don’t know what to tell you. Tess is madder than a hornet about the whole thing. The two of them are barely speaking to each other and I’m stuck right in the middle.”
“So I didn’t dream it.” Tony laid his head back. “I knew it. I just didn’t want to believe it.”
Somewhere in the distance they heard a doctor paged. Muffled voices passed by their room. The oppressive silence inside the room caused the men to avoid eye contact with each other. When Tony spoke, he had a hard time keeping the anger and hurt out of his voice. “Nothing like hitting a man when he’s down. I thought, if nothing more, we were friends.”
Patrick ducked his head. “I don’t know what to say. If it’s any consolation, she looks worse for wear than you do.”
“What did she tell Tess?”
Patrick shrugged. “Some mumbo jumbo about being honest with you from the beginning, telling you she didn’t want to get involved with anyone, particularly a cop.”
Tony squeezed his eyes shut. How could he blame her? Look at him. Shot and lying in a hospital bed. One of the reasons he’d never pursued a serious relationship with anyone. And the very thing that scared Erin the most. Besides, they’d agreed to be friends, nothing more. So why did he feel so cold and empty inside?
Patrick stood by the bed. “Give her some time, son. She’s had a lot happen. She’s lost her best f
riend. You were shot on her front porch. Some psycho is stalking her.” Patrick patted his arm. “She’s running scared.”
“You’re a good friend. Thanks for the visits. I appreciate them more than you know.”
Patrick’s voice sounded gruff. “Heck, I look forward to the visits. Being cooped up with two feuding women ain’t no picnic.”
Before Tony could respond, the door opened and Detectives Winters and Spence stepped inside.
“Tony.” Winters nodded in his direction. “Could we speak to you alone for a minute?”
“It’s time for me to head out, anyhow.” The older man nodded. “I’ll stop in again tomorrow.”
After he left, Spence approached the bed. Grinning from ear to ear, he said, “We wanted to be the first to tell you.”
“Tell me what?” Tony glanced from one to the other.
Winters smiled. “We’ve found our killer.”
Erin peeled apples for a pie. “How much longer are you going to give me the silent treatment?”
“I’m doing no such thing.” Tess, her back to Erin, kept washing the lunch dishes.
“You haven’t spoken more than a half-dozen sentences to me for three days now.”
“Harumph.” Tess turned on the small television on the kitchen counter and pretended to be interested in the news.
“Tess, this is ridiculous.”
The older woman spun around in a huff. “I agree with you on that one. This whole thing is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Look, I know you don’t want me to stop seeing Tony, but…”
“Whether you date him or not is your own business. But that lad has been very good to this family. He’s done wonderful things for Jack. He worked himself half to death trying to find Carol when she disappeared. If you think it was easy for him to deliver the horrible news about her death, you better think again. He was like a rock for all of us through the whole tragic ordeal. He wouldn’t have been standing on our porch in the first place if he wasn’t there to protect you.”
Erin drew in a deep breath and a sharp pain seized her chest. “I know. You’re right. He’s a wonderful guy. I’ve never met anyone as kind or considerate or dependable in my whole life.”
“And this is how you say ‘thank you’?” Two red spots of anger colored Tess’s cheeks. “You leave him lying in a hospital bed all alone. It’s not right.”
Her own temper stirred. “You know I call the nurse’s desk twice a day, every day, and check on him. And Patrick goes every day to visit.”
Tess looked directly at her. “I’m not thinkin’ ’tis Patrick’s face the lad wants to see.”
Erin allowed her temper to get the best of her. “Don’t stand there and criticize me. You don’t know how I feel. You have no idea how hard it’s been for me.” Her voice trembled and her hands shook. Ashamed for yelling at her aunt, she tried to rein in her temper. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have raised my voice.” She put down the half-pared apple and the knife. “Don’t you understand? Sometimes the pain is so intense I can’t even breathe. My heart is shattered into a thousand pieces and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put it back together again. I love him, Tess. Leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
Her aunt’s eyes widened but she remained silent.
“Yes, you heard me. I love Tony,” Erin whispered. “It’s killing me not to go to the hospital to be with him. So maybe you could cut me a little slack here. I’m doing the best that I can.”
Tess stared hard at her niece. “You’re right. I don’t understand.” She reached out and squeezed Erin’s hand. “But I want to. Talk to me.”
Erin’s eyes burned with unshed tears. “I’ve told you. I’ve told him. I’ve told everyone, but no one listens to me.”
Tess raised an eyebrow.
“I’ve had such a hard time trusting men ever since Dennis walked out on us. I never wanted to give my heart to anyone again. Didn’t believe I’d ever find a man worth taking that chance.” Her eyes filled with tears. “And then I did. When I least expected it…when I didn’t want it…there he was. Tony. Reliable. Dependable. Wonderful Tony.”
She ducked her head. “And I could almost believe it could work out between us. But I know it can’t. He’s a cop. He’s a man who carries a gun, lives in a world of bad guys and leaves the house with no promise that he’ll come home at night. Every day I would live in fear I would lose him. The fear would become corrosive, eating away at who I am until I’m not me anymore. Until fear is all I feel.” Tears rolled down Erin’s face. “I love him too much to do that to him. To do that to Jack and Amy. To do that to me. I won’t allow myself to become angry and bitter like my mother.”
Tess recoiled as if Erin had slapped her. “Your mother?” She tightened her grip on Erin. “Nothing in this world could turn you into the shallow, selfish, self-centered woman who bore you.”
Erin’s mouth fell open. She had never heard her aunt say an unkind word about her mother.
“You think because I lived in Ireland that I didn’t know what was going on here? I have tons of letters filled with my brother’s torment. Lord knows he hadn’t wanted to marry her in the first place.” Tess sat down heavily, her legs no longer holding her up.
Erin sunk into the chair opposite Tess and stared at her in shock.
“I know I shouldn’t be talkin’ this way about the dead,” Tess said. “But it’s about time you knew the truth. Michael O’Malley was a good man, but young and sometimes foolish. He used to earn extra money doing odd security jobs. One night at some snooty high-brow affair he worked, he met your mother. She was beautiful and flirtatious and exciting…and drunk. He thought she was cute. He had no idea he was witnessing the tip of a major problem. He took her home and ended up staying the night. They had a brief affair, but Michael didn’t love her. He planned to break it off, but she told him she was pregnant. So he did what Michael always did…the right thing.”
Tess wiped a tear from the side of her eye. “He was miserable with your mother. She was a demanding, selfish and bitter alcoholic who made his life horrible. He worked two jobs, but the money he made was never enough for her. He was never enough. He thought about divorcing her a thousand times. But he never did.”
“Because of me?” Erin asked.
“Partially. He loved you, Erin, with all his heart. Sometimes I think the only happiness my brother knew came from his time with you.” Tess breathed in deeply. “Michael tried to make your mother happy. When he couldn’t, he begged her to go with him for counseling. She refused. Michael learned the hard way that sin has consequences and sometimes those consequences can last a lifetime. Drawing closer to Jesus made him able to cope.”
Erin cried openly. “I never knew.”
“Well, you know now. I refuse to let you go on thinking all the pain you witnessed was because of your father’s job. That’s nonsense. Just like it is nonsense to think you could be anything like her. You couldn’t even if you tried.”
Erin straightened her shoulders. “It doesn’t change the fact that my father’s job caused his death.”
“No, it doesn’t.” She stood and started to walk away.
“Aren’t you going to tell me I shouldn’t worry about Tony’s job? That God is in control? Aren’t you going to say I’d be crazy to walk away from the man of my dreams?”
Tess turned in the doorway. “Why should I, lass? You’re doing a fine job on your own.”
Tony stood at the hospital window and stared unseeingly outside. His mind raced with the information his team had given him. All he could think of was Erin. The news would be devastating and he wouldn’t be there to help soften the blow. He was so lost in thought that he hadn’t heard the door open.
“Hello?”
He spun around at the sound of her voice. “Erin.” His heart plummeted to his feet. His emotions ran the gamut from elation to anger, pleasure to disappointment and pain. When had he fallen in love with her? Did he really think he coul
d be with her every day, hold her in his arms and remain unaffected? Now look at him. Pathetic. Unsure of himself. The only thing certain was being without her caused him more pain than he had ever known.
She remained just inside the doorway. “I heard they’re letting you out of here tomorrow.”
“That’s what they tell me.”
“Good, I’m glad.” She ducked her head and shuffled her feet.
Silence loomed between them.
“Look, Erin…”
“Don’t.” She raised her hand in a halting motion. “Don’t say anything. Please. Just listen. I’m sorry.” Her voice was a mere whisper and he strained to hear her. “I’m so sorry.”
His mind leaped up and down for joy, but still he couldn’t move. It wasn’t pride cementing his feet to the floor. It was fear of doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong words and scaring her away.
“I should have been here with you. What I did was cowardly…and cruel.” Her eyes seemed to plead with him for understanding. “Everybody thinks I’m this strong, levelheaded woman who has total control over her life. But I’m a fraud. I don’t have any control over anything and it scares me.” She took a deep breath and then said, “When you were shot…”
She sniffed and struggled for control. Her green eyes pooled with tears and it was almost his undoing. Every bone in his body wanted to rush to her side, but he seemed frozen in place.
“I ran away from you because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. But that’s the irony of it all, isn’t it? If I cut you out of my life, if I can’t see you and hold you and talk with you, then I’ve already lost you.” She took a step toward him. “It took me a while to think things through. Tess likes to say it’s the stubborn Irish side of me. Maybe she’s right.” She shrugged. “But that’s all I’ve been doing for the past five days. Thinking and praying.”
He started to cross toward her, and again she raised her hand. “No, Tony. Please. There’s so much more I need to say. And if you come any closer…” Her smile touched his heart. “I might not get it all out.”