by Amy Hopkins
The godmother paused. Then she sniffed, scowling. “Fine. Uriel, Michael? We shall find somewhere else to conduct business.”
“Hey, you’re welcome to stay.” Penny spread her hands. “But if I see you hassling Munder one more time, I’ll kick your ass. You don’t want Little Jimmy to be at the mercy of his bullies, do you?”
The two angels stood. The taller one bowed to Penny. “We apologize for any disturbance. Esmeralda’s heart is in the right place, she just—"
“Don’t you even try apologizing on my behalf, you impotent bag of feathers.” The godmother threw her coat on, reaching back to adjust her wings. “We’re leaving. I won’t abide a place that welcomes beasts like him.”
She snatched her wand off the table and stormed out. Rather than follow, the angels watched her go. “Might I trouble you for a pint?” The shorter one asked.
“I’m not the bartender, but I can ask her for you,” Penny explained. Though she had expected her position to involve pouring drinks or washing dishes, Joshua had instead explained that the vacant position was for a bouncer. Although her smaller build would make her a laughable security person at a normal bar, the skills she was learning at the Academy, along with her friendships with Paddy and Bacchus, made her the perfect person for the job.
Before she headed to the bar, Penny gathered up their empty glasses, wondering how much damage she had caused to whatever alliance the angels had been formulating with the fairy godmother. “Sorry about your friend.” She ducked her head and hurried over to the bar.
Since Penny had begun her shift—and while trying to adjust to a job that was not at all what she’d anticipated—the Fairy Godmother had been needling Munder with insults, trying to get him riled enough for Joshua to order him out.
Instead, Munder had retreated further and further into himself until Penny had snapped. If you’re gonna make me a bouncer, then I’ll bounce, Penny had decided.
In fairness, her only instruction had been to keep the peace in whatever way she needed to. Munder’s plight had begun to attract attention from a gaggle of gnomes by the pool table, and Penny didn’t want to have to deal with a brawl on her first day.
“Everything okay?” Joshua appeared beside her, and Penny gave him a quick rundown of what had happened.
“I hope I didn’t overstep.” Penny held her breath, waiting for Joshua to tear her a new one for kicking out one of their classier patrons.
“Good job.” Joshua grabbed the empty beer mugs off the table and whisked them back to the bar, Penny on his heels. “Honestly, if I’d known that throwing a bag of salt at the old bitch would have shut her up, I’d have done it months ago.”
Relieved, Penny leaned over the bar. “The angels want a pint each. Want me to take it over to them?”
Joshua shook his head. “You need your hands free, I’ll send one of the girls out. Thanks for letting me know.”
Penny wandered back out to let Michael and Uriel know their drinks were on the way.
The older of the two angels offered up a quick prayer on her behalf. “Many thanks, child.”
Penny lifted an eyebrow. “Child? I’m twenty-two.”
“And I’m four hundred and twenty-eight billion years old.” He smiled. “To me, you are but a child. A tiny babe.”
“Oh. Well, I guess that’s fair.” Penny sidled away, unsure if she was more awed or insulted. She headed over to check on Munder. “You okay, mate?”
“I am o-kaaay.” He stared morosely at his half-eaten cookie. “It would be so nice if the Fairy Godmother did not hate me so much.”
“She’s a stuck-up bitch,” Penny shot back. “Don’t worry about her. How’s the cookie?”
“It is nice.” He took another nibble, the smoky wisps of his fingers allowing several crumbs to fall through. “Sorry. I am crumbling a mess.”
“It’s cool.” Penny darted over to the bar and returned with a napkin. “Here.”
“You are so very helpful.” Munder gaped his mouth in what Penny was now sure was a grin.
“No worries!” The doors to the back room opened. “Gotta run.” She headed toward the mass of…well, people, I guess, she told herself.
Only, these people were mostly leprechauns, ghosts, angels, monsters, gods, and a whole lot more Penny didn’t recognize. Among them, Penny spied a couple of familiar faces in the crowd. Special Agents Crenel and Delouise passed before she could grab their attention.
“Penny!” Paddy waved her over. Beside him, Boots reached up to watch the alliance members leaving.
“Hey, Paddy.” Penny reached down to scratch Boots’ head. “Hey, sweet girl. Anything interesting happen in there?”
“Of a sort, lass.” Paddy’s face was lit up like a beacon, his happiness practically leaking out of him. “I got meself a guarantee of funding for me court case, and your people said they’ll be happy to help me not get meself killed on the way in an’ out.”
“That’s promising,” Penny said. “What about the alliance?”
“Well, there’s still a whole lot of details to be sortin’ out, like who can be a part and who needs a wee kick in the knackers first… but we’re gettin’ there.”
A tall black man squeezed past her, his heavy gilt crown and thick robes taking up more space than the suited man trailing him.
The second man stopped, eyeing Penny. “Friend, might I inquire as to your name?”
“It’s Penny.” She pursed her lips, wondering what the hell kind of mythological being dressed like a lawyer.
“Ah, Penny.” He pulled a clipboard out of nowhere and ran an expensive ballpoint down the list. “Penny, Penny… Here. Penny Smith? Penny Walker? Penny Jones?”
“None of those.” She leaned forward, trying to get a peek at the papers. “Why?”
“I have a number of clients who are sadly deceased.” The man gave her a sparkling smile. “Unfortunately their fortunes are tied up due to a lack of heirs. If I could just find an American citizen who shares their legal name…” He gave a dramatic sigh. “Of course, such a citizen would be compensated very—"
“Stop.” Penny held her hands up. “Just stop. I don’t want to know.” He tried to talk again, and she snapped a hand up. “Not a word! I have never wanted to slap my grandmother more than I do right now,” she muttered.
Her nan had, before she died, been an absolute sucker for every scam that made it past her email filters, from “click here to fix your virus” messages to Nigerian royalty looking to marry, and…
Oh, shit.
Penny looked around for the man’s companion. She spied him kneeling at a table where an old woman had a hand pressed to her chest.
“Oh, no.” She bolted over just in time to catch the words “fortune will be yours” leave the man’s lips.
“Out!” She yanked him up by the scruff of his opulent collar. “Out, and take your scummy lawyer with you. No, I don’t care if you’re the real deal. You’re not finding a bride in this bar.”
The prince tried to hold a ring box out to her.
Penny pointed at the door. “Oh, hell, no! OUT!”
Chagrined, the two men left without harassing any more customers. Penny turned to the old lady watching them leave.
“I could have been a princess,” she whispered, chin trembling.
“I’ll comp you a drink,” Penny said hurriedly. “What’ll it be?”
“Oh. Uh, I’ll take a gin and tonic, please.” Still watching the now-empty doorway, the woman gave a tremulous smile. “Well, I suppose my husband wouldn’t have approved anyway.”
She twisted the wedding ring on her finger. “Just imagine, me going home to tell him I need a divorce so I can marry a wealthy foreign prince!”
“Good grief.” Penny headed over to the bar to explain the situation to Janice, the waitress.
“Not the first time that’s happened here.” Janice sighed as she poured the woman’s drink. “Last one was left heartbroken when he proposed to three other women before he left. Three! C
an you believe that?”
“Yes. I can.” Penny stepped away from the bar as the door opened and two small fairies flew through.
Let’s hope they’re not assholes like the godmother. In all honesty, though, the prospect didn’t bother her. She knew Josh had her back, and she had to admit, acting as peacekeeper in a bar full of Mythers was more suited to Penny’s temperament than pulling drinks or making coffee would have been.
Most importantly, the schedule was flexible. The pay is good, too, Penny mused. Josh had given her a contract to sign before her shift, offering Penny quite a bit more than she’d have earned as a waitress. I just hope it works out.
The next week passed quickly. Glass had spent a class teaching the students how to grapple. Fitness was spent climbing ropes in the first lesson and doing laps at a local pool the next.
“How are you going to hunt water-based Mythers if you struggle to tread water?” Glass yelled at Mara.
Mara actually wasn’t a bad swimmer, as long as her head was above water. Each time she tried to go under, she would immediately surface, spluttering and coughing.
“I just can’t, okay?” She climbed out of the pool to face off with the professor. “It gets up my nose, and I panic. I don’t like it any more than you do!” She snatched her towel up and made to storm off, shaking off Glass as he tried to grab her arm on her way past. “Asshole.”
“Mara, you step out of this facility, and you fail this class.” Glass barked the command loud enough for even Penny to jump.
Mara turned back and raised a finger, mouth opened to argue.
“I didn’t say you have to get back in the pool.” He walked over to her, hands on his hips. “Now, you’re not gonna get past this by ignoring it. The way I see it is, you’ve got two options here. You can work past your fear, or you can sit out this task and hope like hell you ace the rest of the course, then continue hoping like hell that you never get attacked by an amphibious Myther or a sentient showerhead.”
Mara scowled, folding her arms over her chest. She did not, however, argue.
Glass lowered his voice, turning his back on the classmates as he continued chatting to Mara. “Now, I’m prepared to give up my own time to help you with this if you choose the option that won’t get you killed. Six AM, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Right here.”
A moment later, after a sniffling Mara had nodded in agreement to his proposal, Glass swung back around. “What the hell are you doing? Laps, people, laps! You’re not a group of dead goldfish, so get swimming!”
Penny threw herself off the wall and kicked her legs, propelling her underwater. Glass might be an asshole, but he’s actually kinda nice when it counts. She broke the surface of the water again, breaking into a breaststroke to reach the other end.
“I could throw a bucket of lard into this pool and it would float better than you.” Glass spat the words at Trevor, who was flailing in one corner of the pool, trying to do as instructed. “No! Not like that, you underfed bean pod. Put your legs… Oh, my God, I’m working with imbeciles.”
Penny dove back under before Glass could yell at her again for eavesdropping. Yup. Definitely an asshole.
Three hours later, Penny was dry, dressed, and crammed into the back of a van with Clive, Cisco, and Jason.
The van lurched around a corner, and Penny had to grip the tiny desk next to her for balance. Cisco, however, had nothing to grab.
He sprawled across her lap, his hands gripping her knees to right himself.
“Careful what you’re grabbing there, mate.” Penny could see he was doing his best not to screw up, but she couldn’t resist the jab. “I know Clive is having a good old fondle over there, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready for the next step in our relationship yet.”
“No, I’m not!” Across from her, Clive snatched his hands away from Jason before he could be accused of any more wrongdoing.
“Goddammit Clive, get off!” Jason shoved his partner, almost sending him tumbling into the cupboards full of expensive surveillance gear.
The van screeched to a halt. A minute later, Quaid yanked open the back door.
“Oh, for God’s sake. Stop groping each other and get out.” He stepped back and waited for the students to pile out of the van.
“Grab my balls like that again, and I’ll kick your head so hard your teeth will fall out of your ass,” Jason muttered.
“Chill, Jason.” Penny breezed by him, stepping out into the afternoon sunlight. “That was your own hand on your dick.”
“No, it—"
“Mate, I was sitting straight across from you. He bumped your elbow, that’s all.” She grinned when Jason flushed and grumbled a weak apology to his class partner.
“Today, you’re working in a four-man team.” Quaid narrowed his eyes at Penny as if daring her to point out—for the third time that day—that she was a woman.
She smiled sweetly back.
Quaid gave an almost disappointed huff. “Like I was saying. You work together, and you get the target out. I’m not stepping in to help you this time. In fact, I’m on the other team, so watch your asses.”
He explained the task. “You use the equipment in the van to activate a device on the top floor of the abandoned apartment block across the road. The building is rigged with alarms and cameras, and I'm going to be running interference.”
The groan from the students made Quaid smile. “Timer starts in five. You can check your gear while it runs. You got thirty after that to succeed. Go!”
Penny hit the timer on her phone before Quaid vanished to do whatever it was that Quaid did when he ran interference on one of their tasks. “Timer set!”
She dove for the desk, yanking out the drawers to grab radios for each of them.
Cisco already had the cupboard open. “Sweet! We got a bot!”
Penny punched the air. “Yes! That’ll make this a breeze.”
“Seriously?” Jason took a radio. “If he gave us a bot, he’s got a dozen anti-bot devices. I swear to god the guy is only here to set us up to fail.”
“We don’t always fail,” Penny pointed out. “We won the last challenge.”
“Yeah, our first win out of ten.” Clive inserted an earpiece and tucked the wire down his shirt. “What else have we got?”
The team quickly discussed their equipment, Penny’s timer pinging to let them know they could exit the van.
“I have a plan.” Penny grinned. “It’ll require all of us on board.”
Jason tipped his head up. “Are you using the bot?”
She grinned. “Of course. If he really did bring all that gear, I wouldn’t wanna disappoint him.”
Chapter Fourteen
Ten minutes later, the tiny screen in the van went blank. “He’s got the bot!” She hissed into her mic.
At the twenty-minute mark, Quaid had Penny face down on the floor, hands cuffed behind her back.
“Did you just give up?” Quaid asked as he helped her to her feet. “Because that was a stupid move. You walked right in here without even checking for booby traps!”
“I never give up.” She flashed her instructor a grin.
“Then what—" Quaid flinched as music blared nearby, a screeching techno beat that made Penny wish she’d thought to grab earplugs. “Oh.”
Quaid gave Penny an appreciative nod, then bolted from the room. She couldn’t follow since he’d pronounced her officially dead when she’d stumbled on the room he had been hiding in, tripped an alarm, then snagged herself in a false trap that would have garrotted her if it was for real.
“Please, work, please work.” A minute later, there was a hoot of delight. “Yes!” Penny sprang up from the ground, certain they had won the challenge.
“Aww, dammit!” Jason’s curse rang through the abandoned halls.
“Shit.” Jason had been tasked to get the package. He shouldn’t even be on this floor! Penny realized with frustration.
The plan was for Jason to shinny up the fire escape while Quaid wa
s distracted with the other team members’ false attempts to secure it from the inside.
Suddenly, music blared through a nearby speaker—We Are The Champions. Penny nursed the glimmer of hope that had flared at the sound. Quaid was known for his love of Queen, and his unusual ways of letting the students know if they had passed or failed a task.
A holler of victory soon confirmed it, and Quaid returned to the small room to uncuff Penny’s wrists.
“Technically a win,” Quaid said. “But you lost three-quarters of your damn team. Try that in the field, and no one will work with you—ever.”
“You always tell us to weigh the ‘real world’ consequences, Professor.” Penny rubbed her wrists. “In the real world, the consequence is getting tagged in a game of stuck in the mud, not a funeral.”
“Smartass kids.” Quaid shoved the cuffs back into his pocket and stomped away.
“I don’t think he likes losing.” Cisco stuck his head in the doorway. “You coming? We’re gonna get pizza.”
“I can’t.” Penny smothered a yawn just thinking about it. “I had to work late last night. There was a poltergeist pissing about in the bar, and he would not leave. It took me two bags of salt, four prayers, and a cricket bat to get the bastard out.”
Cisco did his best impression of puppy-dog eyes. “Come on. We won’t be out late.”
“Fine. But I’m heading home at eight. I don’t care if we’re not done.” Penny pushed away the feeling that she’d regret it in the morning. “You’d better bring me coffee before class tomorrow.”
“It’s a deal.” Cisco thrust his hand out for her to shake. “I’ll even buy you a drink at the pizza joint.”
When Cisco turned up at Penny’s room at seven the following morning with a croissant and a coffee, she was glad she had pre-organized it.
Her head throbbed from too many cheap drinks the night before, and she had a vague recollection of tumbling through the door close to midnight, much later than the eight PM deadline she had promised.