This was the lesson that I needed to learn—how to set boundaries and focus on myself.
And how could I do that when half the time I was mourning over AJ and the other half I was beyond curious about Chase?
No, I needed to refocus my thoughts. That was the point of this journey, wasn’t it?
I took a deep breath and tried to figure out how to get both men off my mind.
“I need something to distract me.” I grabbed my computer and sat down with it.
Whenever I had a tough situation to deal with, running seemed to help. But I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts. If I was, then I’d just be caught in a constant circle between AJ and Chase, without ever considering my own needs.
No, I needed a group—people who could challenge me, who could push me to focus on my run instead of anything else that pulled at my attention.
Within minutes, I’d come across exactly what I needed—a running group. It met Tuesday morning.
That was the day that AJ and I had agreed to meet for coffee. The regular coffee date in our calendars was our way of trying to continue our friendship. But would he even be there now? Did I want him to be?
According to the information online, the run ended early enough that I could still make it to the coffee shop, but too late for me to go home and shower or change. Could I really show up to meet him all sweaty and exhausted?
“Why not?” I stared at the screen and the ghostly outline of my own reflection. “It’s the best way to show that I’m ready to move on—not to care what I look like, not to worry if he is turned off.”
I sent an e-mail to the leader of the group asking to join in and then crawled back into bed.
I checked my phone one more time. No new text from Chase and no text from AJ.
He was probably with her. He was probably curled up close to her, watching a movie or maybe whispering in her ear. I’ll bet he doesn’t even think about me—not anymore.
It hurt to think that, but it was a little liberating as well. If he didn’t think of me anymore, then I didn’t have to think of him either.
When I finally drifted off to sleep, my thoughts were calm. I would find a way to move forward, even if it took me a little longer than I’d expected.
Chapter 13
The next morning I made coffee, took a shower, and dressed for a jog before I picked up my phone. It was an act of sheer discipline on my part, as I was itching to see if anyone had texted from the time I’d opened my eyes.
Once I was ready, I sat down with my coffee and my phone. Chase’s text from the night before was still there, but there were no other new ones.
I took a deep breath and considered how to respond to his text, deciding to go with a cheerful vibe.
Good morning, Chase. Sorry I missed your text last night. I had a great time too. I hope you had a good evening last night and have a great day today.
I paused and read it over. Was it too over-the-top? Too cheesy? I rolled my eyes and decided to add one more thing.
I’m glad we’re getting together on Wednesday.
Then I sent the text before I could have a chance to think about it too much.
Once I hit send, though, I did think about it. I wondered if it was too much. Should I have stuck to two or three words?
It was during times like this that I needed to have my girlfriends—my tribe—around me so that I could take a poll. But one look at my watch revealed that there was no time for that. I was already late for my run.
I tried not to think about the fact that AJ hadn’t texted me.
Of course he hadn’t. Why would he?
It was unhealthy for me to think that he might be spending his time staring at his phone, wondering if he should or shouldn’t text me. AJ had moved on. He was probably making breakfast for Falyn right now—or maybe it was the other way around and she was cooking for him. Either way, it wasn’t me, and I needed to be okay with that.
As I pushed my legs to move faster, I could feel a burning sensation beginning in my calves. It was unusual for me to get sore so early into the run, but I guessed that it might have to do with all the dancing I’d done the night before.
I was actually glad to feel it, because it drew my focus away from AJ and back to my body—my body that had carried me, no matter what situation I was in, all my life. I wanted to take care of it and that’s why I ran.
Except it was really for more reasons than that—the freedom of it, the mindlessness of it, the sensation of being able to disappear if I really wanted to. It all combined together to create peace in the deepest parts of me.
All of that came to a halt, as I rounded a corner in the park and saw someone sitting on the bench where I usually stopped to rest or stretch. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen someone there, but this time, it wasn’t just a stranger. It was AJ.
I skidded to a stop—literally—almost tripping over my own feet in the process. It was too late to turn back and pretend I hadn’t noticed him. His eyes locked onto mine and there was no question that we recognized one another.
“AJ.” I was breathless, but I knew it wasn’t from the run. “What are you doing out here?”
“I needed to go for a walk.” He stood up from the bench, his eyes still seeking mine. “Get some fresh air.”
“Oh.” My heart slammed against my chest.
Was it because of the sweat that dripped down my back?
I doubted it. It was because he took a step toward me and the sultry curve of his lips, the intensity in the depths of his eyes, drew me right in as they always did.
I went from being focused on the burning in my calves and taking care of my body to hoping AJ would take me in his arms and kiss me.
Why? I groaned in my head and tried to clear my thoughts.
“Okay, that’s not the truth.” His cheeks reddened some as he swept his gaze over me. “I was hoping to run into you.”
Of course he was. He knew my route. He knew my habits better than I did sometimes. I’d dragged him out here a few times for a run, and more than once, we’d lost ourselves in one another’s arms on that very bench.
Darn it! There it was again—that heat that rushed through me at the thought of his touch. When would it ease up?
“Why?” I moved past him so that I could create some space between us. As I did, I couldn’t help but be glad that his early appearance likely meant he hadn’t spent the night with Falyn. AJ wasn’t the type to sneak away in the morning.
My plan of putting some distance between us was foiled by his two determined steps toward me.
“I wanted to apologize.” He paused a short distance from me. “I had no right to treat you that way the other night—to question you.”
“It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean anything by it. It was a tense situation. It wasn’t easy for me to see you with Falyn either.”
I had to fight the urge to reach out and take his hand. Seeing AJ in any kind of discomfort triggered my need to hold him. But that wasn’t the right thing to do.
“She seems really nice, though. And pretty—really pretty.”
“She is nice, but like I said, it’s nothing serious.” He rocked back on his heels some, then took a slight step closer to me, to the point where our arms were almost touching. “And it was more than hard to see you with that guy. It’s going to take some time for me to adjust to that.”
“I’m sorry.” I swallowed back a rush of words. I wanted to tell him that I’d never see Chase again, that I’d never inspire that pain in his eyes or that waver in his voice again. But I couldn’t.
“Don’t be.” He caressed the curve of my cheek in a way that made my entire body threaten to turn into lava. “You have nothing to apologize for. I’m going to let you go, Blu, because that’s what you want—only because it’s what you want. But you’ll have to be patient with me, because—it’s—well, it’s like having to learn to breathe again.”
My heart beat fast and every fiber of my being wanted to reach out to h
im—to tell him he was wrong about what I wanted.
Was he?
Chapter 14
“AJ.” I caught his hand as it fell away from my cheek, and held onto it.
“I know that sounds strange.” His cheeks burned. “But that’s how it feels. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep our friendship, but I can’t promise you I won’t make a mistake here and there—that I won’t feel jealous when he’s with you.” He looked me in the eyes. “I’ll get past it, though, if you’re patient with me.”
“I will be.” I ran my thumb along the back of his hand and fought my desire to ask him to never get past it. How crazy was it—how unfair was it—that I wanted him to let me go and hold on tight at the same time?
“There’s something else.” He cleared his throat and pulled his hand from mine to tuck it into his pocket. “I got a call from Uncle Paul today.”
“Oh?” My mood instantly brightened at the mention of AJ’s uncle, who’d been a big part of our lives in Diamond Bay. “How is he?”
“He’s retiring. Diamond Bay is going to have to survive without him as chief of police. And of course, there’s going to be a party. My friend Vick is hosting it at the Beach Bum. Anyway, he asked me to invite you.”
“Oh.”
“I know it’s a long way, but he’d really like you to be there. I think he credits you and me with helping to solve some of his last cases and he wants to celebrate that. Plus, he—uh…” He lowered his eyes. “He wanted to know what happened between us.”
“What did you tell him?” I braced myself.
“Just that we needed some space, but that we’re still friends.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. I was glad that he hadn’t thrown me under the bus with his uncle, which, if I was honest, he could have. I really respected Paul.
“I’d love to be there.” I frowned. “But I’m not sure where I would stay and—”
“He has a place for you to stay.”
I raised an eyebrow as I thought of bunking together in Paul’s spare bedroom.
“Two rooms.” AJ blushed again as he realized what I was thinking. “I made sure of it. We’d just be going as friends. I thought maybe it would be good for us.” He looked at me intently. “Maybe it could give us some closure.”
Closure. The word shot through me as sharp as any bullet. But wasn’t it what I wanted?
“Can I think about it? Let you know tomorrow?”
I could sense a little disappointment in his expression, but he smiled anyway.
“Of course. I’ll let you get back to your run.” He gave me a small wave before he turned and walked away.
No hug, no kiss—because we were friends now.
We’re just friends.
I let that be the mantra that carried me back to the apartment.
Before I could even think about getting ready for the speaking event, I grabbed my phone and dialed Hanna’s number. I had to have her opinion on what I should do about Diamond Bay. Would it really be okay for me to go?
“Hi, Blu. How are you?”
I filled her in on everything that had happened from the moment I’d met Chase until the moment I jogged off from AJ in the park. I was out of breath by the time I was done.
“Wow! You have a lot going on.” Hanna laughed.
“Well, what do you think?”
“Do you want to go to Diamond Bay?”
“Yes, of course I do. But will it send the wrong message? What if something happens between us?”
“I think it’s important to be honest with yourself, Blu. You have to follow your heart. If your heart says you have to go to Diamond Bay, then you should go.”
“Thanks, Hanna. That gives me a lot to think about. What’s going on with you?”
“Oh, we’re settling back in after our wild honeymoon. I honestly thought getting married would slow down our passion some, but it’s been the total opposite. At this rate, we may be having babies sooner than we’d planned.” She laughed.
“Oops!” I laughed too. “That sounds wonderful.”
“It is, Blu, it really is. I know you’re on your own journey now, and I’m proud of you for that, but don’t forget to follow your heart. It’s there to guide you.”
“Thanks, Hanna. Love you.”
“Love you too, girl.”
I barely had time to shower and dress before Maddie texted me to let me know that the cab was downstairs. I ran for the elevator. More than ever, I needed Samantha’s advice, and I hoped that I would hear exactly what I needed to hear today.
In the cab on the way to the bookstore, I recounted my run-in with AJ to Maddie.
She mentioned a post that she’d read on Samantha’s blog.
“Sometimes what you think you want and what you truly desire are total opposites. It’s important to learn how to listen to your own voice. So what’s your voice saying?” She looked into my eyes.
My heart pounded, my head spun, but I couldn’t hear a single word.
“I just don’t know.” I gazed out the window of the cab as we made our way through the traffic. I couldn’t help but wonder how it was that I felt so lost, when most of my friends had found their paths.
What was I missing?
Chapter 15
“Ugh—this traffic.” I peered out through the window and waited for the cars in front of us to move. They didn’t budge. “We should have left earlier.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll get there.” Maddie patted my knee. “Tell me more about this weekend with AJ.”
“It’s not a weekend with AJ.” I shot her an impatient look, then softened it into a smile. “Sorry, I’m just so confused by everything. I really want to move on from AJ, at least for a little while, but when I see him…” I shook my head. “It’s like I have no control.”
“Well, you do, because you’re here with me and not shacked up somewhere with him right now.” Maddie raised an eyebrow. “Honestly, it’s hard for me to be sympathetic. I’d give anything to have that kind of feeling.”
“What do you mean?” I glanced over at her as the cab finally began to roll forward again.
“I mean, I’ve dated plenty, and as you know, I was married, but never once have I felt as if I was going to lose control. I’ve never once had a guy look at me the way that AJ looks at you.”
“Huh? And how would that be exactly?” I leaned forward some.
“Are you kidding? He gets all dreamy. I’ve seen him stare at you for longer than I could stand to watch it. He’s always got this little smile on his face and this heat in his eyes. I mean—really.”
“Wow.” I blinked. “I’ve never noticed that. Maybe men have looked at you that way and you never noticed it.”
“No, because when someone looks at you like that, you don’t just notice it, you feel it. And I know you feel it, Blu, because I’ve seen you look at AJ the same way.” She sighed. “I thought all of this was about honesty?”
“Ouch, Maddie.” I frowned as the cab finally pulled to a stop in front of the bookstore.
“I’m sorry.” Maddie hugged me before we stepped out of the cab. “I didn’t mean to come off as harsh, it’s just that I’ve been feeling lonely lately, and I guess I’m a bit sensitive about it.”
“I understand.” I smiled as I studied my friend. I knew that she’d had a rough summer without much to do and only boring dates. She was ready for exactly what I wasn’t—that big fantastic relationship that would sweep her off her feet.
But one thing Maddie had said to me hung in my mind as we weaved our way inside and through the crowd to take our seats.
Was I lying to myself? I knew I was lying to Maddie.
I knew exactly how AJ looked at me. He’d looked at me that way from the first moment we’d met. I’d felt it then and I still felt it now. But I just assumed that it wasn’t that unusual.
Didn’t every relationship come with a set of butterflies and racing heartbeats? Didn’t every man look at his girlfriend that way?
I’d never
really paid much attention to other couples. I knew that I’d seen Jake look at Hanna that way. It was why I’d finally settled on the idea that the two were meant for each other.
The introduction to Samantha at the podium stifled any further thoughts. As she stepped up to the mic, Maddie and I stood up and cheered for her, as did several other women in the store. Our joined voices sent shivers up my spine.
Yes, all of us together created quite a powerful force of women. Already my attitude was bolstered by feeling part of this female tribe of Samantha’s fans.
I settled back into my chair next to Maddie and we listened as Samantha began to speak.
“Hi—welcome, everyone.” She waved and took the time to make eye contact with as many women as she could. When she saw me, she winked and waved.
I was excited to see her, though I wasn’t sure if she’d be able to give me any real insight into my decision about the weekend. I knew that AJ needed an answer. But now another worry had crept into my mind.
What would Chase think if I went away for the weekend with AJ? Of course Chase and I had only been on one date, so he couldn’t expect much in terms of commitment, but I was certain it would make him uncomfortable.
I refocused on Samantha’s voice as a certain word drew my attention.
“Fear. I know, I know, it’s an ugly, unsettling word, and it should never cross my lips, right? I’m a believer in the power of positivity and keeping a good attitude, so how could I speak about fear?” She took a deep breath and then released it with a bit of force.
“Because I am afraid!” She threw her hands up in the air. “Alright? Did everyone hear that?” She peered through the crowd.
“Yes, I’m afraid. I’m not afraid to admit it. Because fear is real, and it’s a part of our lives every single day. Our society is designed to make us afraid, especially as women. Not only do we have the common concerns to worry about—traffic, keeping our jobs, the economy—but we have other fears to consider as well. Am I pretty enough? Does anyone like me? Will I ever find someone to love?” She nodded as she paced across the stage.
Ex in the City (Many Shades of Blu #1) Page 5