As I took a shower, I thought about all the adventures that we’d had together. In many ways, that first summer we’d spent together had changed me, opening me up to what the world had to offer and bolstering my confidence. I’d even considered a career in law enforcement at one point. I’d been challenged and stimulated and thrust into situations that I never would have been involved in otherwise.
As I stepped out of the shower, my cell phone buzzed. When I looked, I saw that it was a text from Chase.
I hope you’re having a great time.
I stared at the text for some time. It was nice of him to send it, but I wondered if he was checking up on me. Was that me being paranoid? I had no idea.
I decided to get dried off and dressed before I chose to answer it or not. The party was in an hour, so I had some time to lounge in my comfortable clothes before I needed to get ready.
I still wasn’t sure if I was going to wear the new dress. It was so not like me to wear something that fancy. But maybe that’s why I wanted to wear it. I didn’t want to be limited anymore, even if those limitations were created by me.
After taking a deep breath, I typed out a response to Chase.
It’s been great so far. Went sailing today. I hope you’re having a nice weekend too.
I sent it, hoping that would be the end of it, but before I could put my phone down he texted me again.
Sailing! That must have been fun. We should do that together sometime.
I considered his words for a moment, then smiled. It seemed to me that he was trying to encourage me to keep him in mind, and I liked that.
I sent back a short text agreeing, then started to get ready for the party. I could hear AJ out in the living room. It was strange to be sharing the same living space with him, but also nice. The thought that all I had to do was open the door and stick my head out to see him felt really good to me.
I pulled out the dress and held it up under my chin. AJ had said that he’d wanted to marry me. The thought played through my mind as I decided to wear the dress.
Never once would I have believed that AJ had ever thought about how he might propose to me. His focus had always been on other things, whether it was work or some other interest. But to know that the entire time we’d been together, he’d been imagining our future together and I didn’t have a clue—well, the thought was a little mind-boggling to me.
I forced the thought out of my mind and pulled on the dress. It fit just as nicely as it had on Wednesday night, but I was still nervous in it. I left my hair down and only added a bit of lipstick. A knock on the door distracted me from my reflection.
“Are you about ready, Blu? We should get going.”
“I’ll be right out.” Anxiety bubbled up within me. What would he think when he saw me in the dress?
I stepped out, just as he turned back toward the door.
His cheeks reddened and he reached out for the back of the sofa.
“You’re going to have to change.”
“What?” I stared at him. “Is something wrong?”
“No, nothing.” He looked at me so intently that for a second I thought he might be upset. “It’s just that the party is a luau and casual. I should have told you that. I mean, if you want to wear that, do it, because you—wow, Blu—you look amazing. I just don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
Heat spread through my cheeks. “I should have asked you. I’m sorry.”
“I’m not.” He took a step toward me and then stopped, as if he’d changed his mind. “It’s really nice, Blu. I didn’t know you owned anything like that.”
“I just got it on Wednesday.” I grinned.
Only when his expression shifted and his jaw clenched did I realize my mistake.
“Ah, for your date with Chase?” He ran his fingers through his hair and turned away. “I’ll meet you outside.” He closed the front door behind him before I could say a word.
“Stupid!” I groaned and hurried back into the room.
Without much thought, I tossed on some jeans and a nice top.
When I joined him in the driveway he barely looked at me. The ride to the Beach Bum was short, and I was glad, because he didn’t say a word.
Chapter 27
When AJ and I stepped into the Beach Bum, we were both swept up by the crowd and the people that wanted to greet us. I glanced in his direction and tried to catch his eye, but it was impossible. As awful as I felt about the dress, I was also a little annoyed. I needed him to be my friend and now it seemed he was just being jealous about Chase.
About an hour into the party, I decided to hunt him down and tell him what I thought. When I spotted him, he had his arms around another woman on the dance floor. As I watched, he danced with her far more energetically and seductively than he’d ever danced with me.
He was a bit shy about dancing, normally.
When his hands moved to her lower back and his cheek passed close to hers, my breath caught in my throat. On the night of his bar opening, my attention had been on Chase. I hadn’t paid as much attention to how AJ was acting—or dancing—with Falyn. Now he was dancing with a complete stranger as if she were the hottest thing he’d ever touched.
My stomach churned, my cheeks flushed, and I realized that my hands were clenched. It struck me that AJ might have felt just like this when he’d seen me with Chase, because he wasn’t the one that had ended things. He wasn’t the one that had needed time to explore. He was the one who’d been willing to fight his jealousy, restrain his desires, and do whatever it took to remain in my life—even just as my friend.
I was so distracted by my thoughts that I forgot to blend in.
AJ caught my eye as he spun the woman through the last beats of the song. I watched as he smiled at her, said a few words, then walked toward me. She stared after him as if she preferred that he stay.
“Want to dance?” He smiled.
“You’re not upset with me?” I searched his eyes.
“I shouldn’t have been. I’m sorry. Like I said, it’s going to take a little time.” He offered his hand to me. “Let’s forget all about it and have some fun. Alright?”
“Sounds good.” I took his hand and allowed him to spin me onto the dance floor.
As he danced with me, I noticed that he didn’t pin me to him like he had the other woman. He kept a respectful distance, but caught my eye every chance he could. It felt great to dance with him. I focused on letting go of all my fears and limitations. I wanted to just be in the moment.
As the party began to wind down, we shared a drink out on the deck.
“It’s so beautiful here.” I looked up at what stars I could see. “I forgot how nice it is to be away from the rush of the city.”
“Me too.” He leaned against the railing and gazed out at the water. “This place will always be important to me.”
“So many great memories.” I paused a moment, then stepped up beside him. “AJ, thank you.”
“For what?” He looked over at me.
“For not walking away from me. I know what I did hurt you. I know you still don’t understand it. But you’re still willing to be my friend. That means so much to me.” I lifted my hand to touch his shoulder, but decided against it, resting it on the railing instead.
“I didn’t just care about you because we were together, Blu. We spent the whole summer getting to know one another before we even shared our first kiss. You’re a part of my life, for as long as you allow it. I’ll be here for you, whether we’re together or not. Got it?”
“Got it.” I smiled. “I just can’t believe how lucky I am.”
He muttered something as he glanced away.
“What?” I leaned a little closer.
“Nothing.” He smiled as he looked back at me.
“It wasn’t nothing. Tell me!” I grinned.
He shook his head, then finished the last swig of his drink. “Chase is the lucky one.” He shrugged. “That’s what I said.”
“We’ve on
ly been on two dates, AJ. We’re not serious.”
“So you say.” He studied me for a moment. “But Blu, are you forgetting that you’re not the type of person to just have fun with someone? You’re going to care about this guy’s feelings too much to keep things light. You’re probably already feeling guilty for being here with me. If you want to figure out who you are, ask me. I have a lot of experience to share.” He gave me a half-smile.
“Oh, really?” I tried not to give away that he’d been accurate so far. “Then what is it that I’m looking for? What is that I can’t seem to figure out about myself?”
“Do you really want to know?” He searched my eyes so intently that I felt naked in front of him.
“Yes.” I braced myself, uncertain of what he would say.
“You’re scared of who you are, Blu. You’re not trying to find yourself, you’re trying to run away.”
His words took my breath away, but I covered it up with a laugh. “Well, that would be pretty foolish, wouldn’t it?”
I finished my drink and looked back at the stars.
Chapter 28
That night I could barely sleep. AJ’s words echoed through my mind.
Was he right? He’d been right about everything else. He seemed to know me inside and out—the same way I felt I knew him.
All this time, I’d been telling myself that I needed to figure out what was missing in my life—who I really was. But was it possible that I’d actually been avoiding the truth?
I closed my eyes and buried my head in the pillow. At some point I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up to the smell of coffee.
When I made my way out to the kitchen, I thought I’d find AJ. Instead, it was Paul.
“Morning, Paul.” I smiled at him. “Great party last night.”
“Yes, it was. Would you like some coffee?”
“Sure, thanks.” I took a mug from him and added sugar and cream to it.
He settled in the chair across from me with his own coffee.
“It’s been real good to see you again, Blu. Too bad you two have to leave today.”
“Yes, it’s been so nice to visit.”
“I get a little lonely around here.” He shrugged. “I guess I didn’t expect to spend my old age alone.”
“You’re not old.” I smiled.
“I am.” He locked his eyes to mine. “I’m older than I seem. Now I have all this free time on my hands and I have no idea what I’m going to do with it. It’d be nice to have someone by my side. But that ship has sailed.”
“No way. I know this great website called Forty and Free—for people over forty that are looking for romance. You should check it out sometime.”
“Website?” He scrunched up his nose. “Nah, that’s not for me. I’m just saying that love isn’t always as easy to come by as it seems. When you find it, you should hold on to it.”
“Thanks for the advice, Paul.” I finished my coffee. “I guess AJ isn’t up?”
“He left early this morning. He walked down to the Beach Bum to help clean up. He said you could take the car if you wanted to.”
“That’s alright, I’ll walk over and join him.”
I tossed on a t-shirt and jeans, then headed down to the Beach Bum. I’d walked this path more times than I could count, and just like then, my heart raced at the thought of seeing AJ.
He stepped out through the back door with two big trash bags in his hands.
“Morning, Blu.” He nodded to me.
“Morning. Can I help?”
“Just about done.” He tossed the bags into the dumpster. “Let me just wash up.”
As he headed back inside, I turned to look at the water. There it was—as I knew it would be. The little alcove just past the rear deck that had an incredible view of the water.
“Hey.” AJ paused just beside me. “Can we take a walk?”
“Sure.”
I started to turn in the other direction, but he took a step forward instead.
“I want to show you something.” He slipped his hand into mine.
I started to draw my hand back, but stopped when he tightened his grip. I let him lead me down the familiar sandy path. With every step we took closer to the edge of the water, my heart pounded faster.
His hand wrapped around mine, seemed to set me on fire, and the memory of that first kiss flooded me with desire.
“AJ.” I drew back as he paused beside the water.
“I’ve tried, Blu.” He didn’t let me pull away and instead drew me a little closer. “This whole weekend, I told myself—I’m going to be her friend, nothing more. I’ve tried to understand where you’re coming from—that you have Chase now.”
“It’s not like that—”
“Just let me say this.” He clenched his jaw for a moment. “I thought the right thing to do was to go along with this, that you would realize what I’ve known all along and everything would be fine. But I can’t. I’m sorry, I won’t sit by and watch you be with someone else—not without a fight.”
“Please, AJ, this is confusing enough—”
“You’re confused?” He looked into my eyes. “You think you’re confused? I met the woman of my dreams. I had her in my arms and then all a sudden she was gone. But I’m not confused, Blu, because I know what I want. It’s you, and nothing is going to change that. So I brought you here, where we shared that first amazing moment, because I know you felt it too. It wasn’t nothing. It wasn’t casual. It wasn’t something that comes and goes in a relationship. It was real. So if you can stand here and tell me that you don’t have feelings for me, then I’ll believe you.”
“AJ.” I brushed my fingertips along the curve of his cheek.
His eyes shimmered in the sunlight. I remembered the way his kiss made me feel—like the only thing that mattered was the movement of his lips against mine.
“Blu.”
He curved his hand through my hair along the back of my neck, and as he pulled me close, I didn’t resist. His lips touched mine and the world disappeared.
Chapter 29
Dazed, I pulled away from him. I didn’t want it to end, but I still pulled away. Something inside of me told me that I had to.
He still held me in his arms and looked intently into my eyes.
“AJ, I just—”
“Don’t.” He shook his head. “I just wanted you to remember. I’m not asking for more than that.”
As he stepped back to put a little distance between us, I wasn’t sure what to think, but I knew I needed to make a decision. My feelings for AJ were just as powerful as ever, and though I hadn’t had much of a chance to get to know Chase, I didn’t think I’d ever feel the same about him.
But this wasn’t a choice between two men. In fact, it wasn’t about either of them—not really. It was about me and what I wanted.
Our drive home was thick with tension, mostly because of me. I was tempted to reach out and take his hand, to feel him again, but I resisted. It wasn’t fair to him to keep sending mixed messages.
When he dropped me off at my apartment, we said short and sweet goodbyes, without a single word about the kiss.
“Will you still meet me for coffee on Tuesday?”
I could see the tension in his expression. He was worried that I’d say no.
“I’ll be there.” I smiled, then headed straight for Maddie’s.
“Blu, you’re back earlier than I expected.” She looked into my eyes. “Oh no, what happened?”
“You can tell?” I frowned as I stepped inside.
“Sweetheart, you look like you’ve been in a tornado. What’s going on?” She sat down on the sofa, pulling me down beside her.
“We kissed.”
“You what?”
“We kissed.” I groaned and flopped back against the sofa.
“And it was that bad?”
“No, it was that good.” I sighed. “It was amazing.”
“Oh. And?”
“And I have no idea what to d
o. When I’m with AJ, it’s like nothing else matters. But other things should matter, shouldn’t they?”
“Honey, I wish I could help, but I can’t make that decision for you. Maybe you should call Samantha. I bet she has the perfect advice for this situation.”
“Yes, that’s a good idea. Maybe I will.” I hugged her good night, then headed to my own apartment.
Soon I was face to digital face with Samantha. I told her what had happened earlier, then held my breath as I waited for her advice.
“Oh, Blu. The way you described how you felt when you kissed AJ for the first time and how you felt this time—Well, I can’t help but wonder if he’s your Max.”
“Really? But don’t you think I need to take time? To discover myself and all that good stuff?”
“Sweetie, you don’t have to do that alone. If AJ is supportive of you—and it sure sounds like he is—you can figure those things out—the things that you’re passionate about in life—with him by your side.”
“But when we were together, I was always so focused on him.”
“And that’s not going to change no matter who you’re with. That’s something you have to change inside yourself.”
“You’re right.” I sighed. “I never should have started dating again.”
“You have to figure this one out on your own, Blu. But you will, and whatever you decide, I’ll be here for support if you need it.”
“Thanks, Sammy.”
I hung up the phone and closed my eyes. Of course she was right. I’d let myself get caught up in this dating nonsense when I knew I needed to be alone. The whole reason I left AJ was because I didn’t feel like I could grow while I was with him. It wouldn’t be any different with Chase.
As if he knew I was thinking of him, my phone dinged with a text from Chase, checking to be sure I’d made it home alright and asking if I would join him for dinner Wednesday night.
I couldn’t bring myself to answer. I knew it was unfair of me not to, but I just had no idea what to say.
I’d assured him that things were over with AJ, but then I’d kissed AJ.
What would Chase think of that? Should I even tell him?
Ex in the City (Many Shades of Blu #1) Page 9