by Rena Rossner
“I need to take Laya back home,” I say.
“What? Why?” His face falls. “We can take care of you here. Both of you.”
I close my eyes. “I have to take care of my sister. Her needs come before mine.”
I feel Dovid’s hand on my face. “Look at me.”
I shake my head. I can’t help the tears that fall.
“Liba, please. Tell me what’s really going on.”
“I can’t.”
“I’m not letting you go. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”
“Dovid, I have to. She won’t get well unless she’s home, in her own bed.”
“She won’t get well without a doctor and some real food and a properly heated home,” he replies sharply.
“You don’t understand.”
“You’re right. I don’t. You keep putting yourself in danger for a sister who keeps making bad decisions. Why? When will you decide to put your own needs first?”
“Please! You’re not making this any easier. I made a promise to my mother—it’s not a choice, Dovid. I’m responsible for her. She’s my sister. Wouldn’t you do anything for your brothers?” The emotions are too much. I know what I want, but I can’t have it. Laya always comes first. And besides, I’m as “other” as Fedir. Perhaps that’s what he sees in Laya. A kindred spirit.
Dovid is not right for me. He can’t be right for me. We are as different as the sun is from the moon.
“Liba, there is definitely something in those woods. A bear, perhaps, or a pack of them. You said that strange men followed you. What if they took you? What if something happened to you? I’d never forgive myself.” He shuts his eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Dovid. I know that what I’m asking makes no sense. But if I want Laya to get better, I need to go back home.” I don’t know how else to explain—what am I supposed to say? My sister is a swan and she’s afraid she will sprout wings in your living room? She fancies herself in love with a cat-man who says that only he can heal her—but he won’t help us if we stay here. And yes there are strange men out there, and maybe a bear, but I’m really supposed to protect her from a flock of swans, though lately they are seeming like more and more of a good option. It’s certainly a tale out of a children’s book—except it’s not—it’s frighteningly real.
“Why can’t you just accept that someone cares about you?” He raises his voice in frustration.
He leans in close and I think he’s going to kiss me, but he puts his arms around me in a tight hug. I hesitate for a minute. He says, “I’m here for you, Liba—we’ll get through this together.” And I reach my arms up and put them around him, all the muscles in my body suddenly losing their tension.
All the worries—all the fears of what will become of Laya, and of who I am and what I want and what I might become—fall away. For one brief blissful moment I don’t think about my sister, or the swans or the bears, or about Fedir and his brothers. I don’t think about my teeth or my nails or the fur that threatens to burst out of my body and consume me. I don’t think about the strange men in the woods, or Jennike, the Glazers who disappeared, my parents who could be dead, injured, or lost. I only feel his strong arms holding me, and I don’t care what happens as long as he never lets go.
I feel his breath on my neck and I think, We breathe the same air. We are not as different as we seem … we believe in the same god, practice the same religion, like the same food, laugh at the same jokes. I want this—a normal family and a home where I don’t need to fear the woods around me.
He looks up and his eyes lock with mine. In a tone of voice that tells me it takes everything he has, he says, “I trust you. I’ll wait for you. How can I help?”
I see that saying it costs him something. That maybe trust is the most powerful gift that anyone can give you.
I swallow, and think about what it might cost for me to trust him. I wonder if what I feel for him is love, because I do feel drunk when I’m with him—lightheaded, my whole body buzzing, like the time I drank more than a bissl of Tati’s schnapps and felt it burn through my body from my head down to my toes.
I lean forward and kiss him, lightly at first, but then my hands are in his hair and it’s like nothing else can quench my thirst like his lips. Perhaps I’m not so different from my sister after all. We kiss until he pulls away and shoves his whole body back against the wall behind him, breathless, eyes dark now, like marbles dipped in chocolate.
He clenches his eyes closed. “You drive me wild.”
I laugh. Because I am wild. I am a beast. And maybe, just maybe, Dovid could be okay with that.
“Let’s get the wagon ready,” he says, his voice coming back to him. “I’ll take you home.”
“You’re changing the topic,” I tease.
“Yes, for the benefit of both of us. Because if I kiss you again I will not be able to control myself, and embarrassing things might happen in this hallway.”
“I don’t have a problem with that,” I say.
“But my mother might,” he says.
We burst into laughter. I peck him on the cheek and sigh. “Okay. The wagon it is.”
He smirks at me. “Indeed. Might be a little bumpy.”
I put my hand over my mouth. “That is not what I meant at all …”
“Heh.” He grins. “But I did. God, Liba, you drive me crazy. I just want to …” He shakes his head. “I … think we should pack up the wagon.”
I smile to myself, but my face is on fire. “Me too.”
“I’ll go break the news to my mother. Wish me luck, I’m going to need it.”
I laugh again, then I pause and put my hand on his arm. “I … I promise to explain more on the way, okay?”
He nods. “It better be good.”
“It is.” My mind races already. I grab his sleeve in my fist. “Thank you. I owe you everything.”
He shakes his head. “You owe me nothing.”
“No … I do. And one day I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”
“Don’t promise. Just take care of yourself and your sister. Everything else can wait … even if I don’t want to.”
I walk towards the living room where Laya is resting.
Dovid calls out after me. “No matter what, I’m not leaving you alone! You can’t get rid of me! And that’s a promise!”
I look over my shoulder and smile at him. But in my head I know that he can make no such promise. My parents and the Glazers have shown me that anyone can leave at any point in time for any reason. Promises can be broken.
60
Laya
The wagon sways
as I watch the sky.
There is an alphabet up there
of twigs and branches,
leaves and wings;
bird feet write histories
against the sky.
Do I want to be a swan?
When will I grow wings?
I try to decipher
what it all means.
I see a large white shape
against the gray of sky.
It looks like a swan.
Is it him?
Following me.
Following us.
I don’t even know his name.
My eyes trace its figure
from its golden beak,
to its tucked-in feet,
the arc of its neck
suspended in sky
and its wings,
graceful and arched.
My heart fills with yearning
and my eyes follow the swan
all the way home.
61
Liba
Laya is cocooned in a bed of blankets in the back of the wagon amid baskets of supplies: meats, cheeses, home-baked breads and dried fruits, sacks of vegetables and herbs.
“It’s too much, Dovid,” I say. “We can’t possibly take this all from your family. You promise you’ll take some back to them?”
“My mother would wallop me if I did.”
>
“I’d like to see that.”
“I’ll bet you would,” he grins.
I blush and we look at each other, the moment charged with electricity.
I put my hand in his and we hold the reins together, fingers entwined. I can’t believe myself. Was it only a week ago that Mami and Tati left and I was a timid obedient daughter? How quickly people change … but somehow between the quiet of the forest, the crispness in the air, and the shock of my hand twisted in his, this just feels right.
“Liba.” Dovid clears his throat. “I care about you so much that I feel like I’m willing to follow you to the ends of the earth. Which is the only reason I agreed to this. My mother and father think that you and I have both lost our minds. So can you please, please explain why I am taking you back to your house when there is danger lurking in the forest, and you could have been safe with us in town?”
I take a deep breath and look up at the sky. “Not all people are what they seem.” My heart beats fast in my chest. Is this really where I tell him?
I don’t want to lose him—I don’t want to lose what we have, and being with him is the only thing that feels right lately. I take a deep breath. “I think that Fedir might have poisoned my sister. I know that sounds crazy, but … there’s something wrong with that fruit. I have no explanation for it. It doesn’t make sense, but he did something to her. I know that I should keep her far, far away from him, but I went to see him this morning in the marketplace—I lied to you. I wasn’t going to get an herb; I was seeking another remedy. He says that he can heal her. I shouldn’t trust him—but the doctor doesn’t seem to have a cure. What if he can? What if it’s as simple as that? I have to try. I fear for her life, Dovid. What if the fruit is poisoned?”
Dovid laughs. “Then wouldn’t the other men and women in this town be sick too? I don’t think it’s poison.”
I turn my face away. I knew he wouldn’t believe me. I shouldn’t have said anything at all.
“Liba, wait, I didn’t mean to laugh.” He puts his hand on my arm. “It’s just a lot to take in.”
“It’s okay, Dovid. I didn’t expect you to understand. As soon as we get back, you can just leave us be and go home. I know it seems crazy, but it’s what I have to do.”
“No, that’s not what I mean. Liba, please. Look at me.”
I shake my head. I should never have trusted you, I want to say. But I also understand how far-fetched it all seems. Suddenly it dawns on me: maybe this is why Tati said I should never marry someone from the village—nobody here could possibly understand. And that thought saddens me most of all, because if Tati was right all along, I’ve just been deluding myself.
“Liba, please!” He stops the horses and drops the reins, turning to face me. He reaches his hand up and strokes the side of my face. “Look at me, Liba. Talk to me. I’m listening; I’m trying to understand. What if I stay with you the whole time? I don’t care what my parents think—what anyone thinks. I’ll sleep over and … I’ll meet Fedir with you so that he won’t trick you or hurt you or Laya. I believe you, okay? It doesn’t make any sense, but … let me stay and help. You don’t need to be up against this alone.”
I turn to look at him. I’m fighting the tears that threaten my eyes. “He said he’ll only meet Laya alone. He won’t come if anyone else is there.”
“You realize how suspicious that sounds, right?”
“I know. But it’s what I have to do.”
“I don’t like it. I don’t like any of this. I’ll stay in the woods when he comes—I won’t be far away. But I’m not going to walk off like an idiot and let something bad happen to you.”
Dovid picks up the reins and snaps them, urging the horses back into a trot.
I lean over and peck a kiss on his cheek.
When we pull up to the cottage, he says, “I’ll carry her. Go open the door.”
I take the traveling blankets off my legs and jump off the wagon. I go to open the door to the cottage, but the door swings open. I smell something off.
“Someone was here.”
“What? Where?”
I sniff the air. “No. Not here anymore.”
“Stay with Laya—I’ll check the house.” He leans down and takes a pistol out from a satchel in the back of the wagon and walks into the house.
I go around to the back of the wagon and climb up. “Laya?” I say.
“Hmmph?”
“Someone was in our cottage.”
“What?” Her eyes open lazily. “Who?” she says as she stretches.
“I don’t know. The door was unlocked. Something smells off. I can’t place it.”
“The door was unlocked another time too …”
“When?”
“When the bear was inside. You and your nose.”
When it dawns on me, my hand flies to my mouth. “Laya, I know exactly who smells like that. But what were they doing in our house?”
“What?”
“Ruven … and maybe Alter. Damn them. What do they want now?”
“It’s not safe.”
“Oh, Laya,” I laugh. “Of course it’s not safe. It stopped being safe in Dubossary a long time ago … but Fedir is coming by later and he said he’d only meet us here.”
“Fedir?” Her eyes light up.
“Yes. Your meshugge boyfriend who says that only he can cure you.”
“All clear!” Dovid calls as he hops up onto the back of the wagon. “Let’s get you settled.”
When we walk inside he asks, “Shall I carry her up the ladder?”
“No, it’s okay—you can put her on the bed downstairs.”
As I fix the sheets and blankets for Laya. I smell the intruder stronger than ever.
“Liba, you’re uh … sniffing that bed really strangely,” Dovid says.
“Sorry. I … you can put Laya down. It’s just … I have a really good sense of smell. Mami was always teaching me about herbs and teas …”
“You smelled tea in the bed?”
“No, silly.” I smack his arm.
I turn to look at Laya and see that she’s crying. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I failed you. I failed everyone. I didn’t realize what they were. I’m so sorry. They came, Liba. They came for you and I didn’t notice the signs until it was too late.”
I exchange glances with Dovid.
“Laya … husht! Lie down. It’s been a long day. Try to sleep.” I don’t understand what she’s saying. “Maybe her fever has spiked again,” I say. I’m determined to get to the bottom of this illness once and for all—whatever it takes.
Laya shakes her head. No and no and no again, working herself into a frenzy that makes me dizzy just looking at her.
“Laya-bell, we’ll figure it out in the morning. For now, just rest.”
“No … I’ve ruined everything, everything, don’t you understand?”
Dovid looks at me. “Shall I go get the doctor?”
“No. Can you … just stay here with us for a bit please? Do you mind standing guard at the door? That would make me feel better.” Dovid can keep Ruven and Alter away from us. And in the meantime, we can wait for Fedir. “I want to get her changed.”
“Your wish is my command.” He says it with such tenderness that it nearly breaks my heart. Just before he opens the door, he turns and says, “Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?”
“Stop,” I say.
“Why?”
“Because you don’t need to say that.”
“You’re right. I don’t need to—I want to.”
I shake my head. “I’m not beautiful.”
“Why would you say that, Liba? Who in your life made you think that about yourself?”
I look down at the floor. I’m a beast! I want to scream at him. Just go away … If you knew the truth of what I am, you wouldn’t be here.
“Beautiful is not what is beautiful, but what one likes,” he says.
Tears fill my eyes.
“I have to take care of Laya,�
� I say.
“And I have to take care of you. Look at me, Liba.”
I shake my head.
“Why are you crying? I’m here. I’m going to watch over both of you.”
This will end badly. This will end in pain.
Laya coughs from the bed.
“I’ll be just outside the door if you need anything,” Dovid says with a sigh as he walks out.
Laya is trembling as if she’s having a fit.
I hold her in my arms. “Just a little more time and Fedir will be here. I promise.”
But she can’t stop shaking and I can’t stop the tears that fall.
62
Laya
I let Mami down down down.
They’ve come for her.
It’s Ruven and Alter.
They’re the bears.
I was so busy with Fedir
I wasn’t paying attention.
I need to speak to Liba.
I need to tell her everything.
But what can I tell her?
That bear-men are here
to take her away?
What would Mami
want me to do?
I search my mind
for fragments of memories.
What else have I forgotten?
What else am I
supposed to know?
I hear the sounds
of bird feet on the roof.
It makes my chest hurt
and my back ache.
I shiver and wrap
Mami’s blanket
around me.
I want to go out
onto the roof
and see who is up there.
But I can’t.
I am too weak.
I’ve lost control
of everything
that matters.
63
Liba
Dovid knocks on the door and calls out, “Can I come in?”
“Yes!” I walk over and open the door.
“I didn’t know if I was interrupting anything … I heard voices nearby in the woods. I think it’s the search party. I think they found something …”