by Rena Rossner
“It’s not over,” he whispers. “They will come back.”
“But Dubossary is saved!” I say, and I clutch his hand in mine.
“Only for now, zeiskeit, only for now,” he sighs.
We walk back to the cottage.
Alter looks at me. “They’re gone, you know. The Hovlins.”
“Gone?” I say.
“When you ran from there, Ruven and I tried to attack them—we ran into the glen, but they were gone. Whatever you did broke the enchantment. The lodge disappeared.”
I shake my head in disbelief.
“No fruit falls from withered trees,” he says. “But they will be back. It isn’t over. We didn’t kill them. We might have weakened them for a while. They will move on to the next village. It is not safe for the Jews in Bessarabia anymore.”
“It is not safe for Jews anywhere,” Tati says.
“I wanted to chase their scent, but Ruvy was having none of it—he followed you,” Alter says.
“Do I even want to know who you’re referring to?” Tati says.
“It’s a very long story,” I reply.
Alter concurs. “Very long indeed.”
We are back at the cottage and I see Dovid coming through the woods in our direction.
As much as I want to tell my father everything, there is also something that I need to do.
“Will you excuse me for a moment?” I say to Alter and Tati. “I need to speak to Dovid privately.”
Alter gives me a look that says how dare you consort with a murderer but I ignore him.
There are things I need to say.
I walk up to him. “Dovid … can we talk?”
He shakes his head. “I didn’t know, Liba. I thought you were in danger.”
“I know. I’m sorry,” I say.
“Why are you apologizing?”
“Because I should have told you. I was too scared to tell you the truth. And maybe had you known … you would have thought before you fired.”
His eyes are wide and scared. “I shot a man.”
I smile sadly. “But you didn’t know, Dovid. It’s not your fault. And anyway, Ruven’s not the only one you pointed a gun at today.”
He winces. “Was that you in the woods? Oh my God …” His hand goes to his mouth and it looks like he’s going to be sick. He pitches forward. “Liba … oh God … I’m a murderer.”
“Dovid,” I say softly. “It’s okay. You didn’t know. If anything, it’s my fault for not telling you.”
“No.” He shakes his head yet again. “It’s not okay. It will never be okay. I am a beast.”
I can’t help it. I start to laugh.
He looks up at me, brow furrowed in confusion, tears in his eyes. “Why are you laughing at me?”
I take a deep breath. “Because I’m the beast, Dovid. That’s what I always said about myself. I was so afraid of telling you the truth that I lied to you. I thought if I told you what I really was …” I sigh. “ … you would never want to be with me. I’m a bear. You’ve seen it now with your own eyes. And apparently I’m the Berre Rebbe’s daughter too. I’m not a normal girl that you can settle down with. I only wanted to feel normal … to feel sought after and loved. Thank you for giving that to me. I will always remember that you made me feel like I was precious, like I was someone worth wanting.”
“Liba,” Dovid says, tears in his eyes. “I could never think any less of you. You are precious to me—to everyone here in Dubossary. You saved us all tonight. When we were down by the river … did you see what happened? The swans filled the sky, but something else happened too …”
I want to see what he says, to make sure that I didn’t imagine it, that it wasn’t all a mirage. I shake my head.
“It was like the air was charged with electricity, with magic, with potential. I looked up at the sky and then looked at the men on the riverbank all around me, and for a minute my whole body tingled and I felt like I could be anything I wanted to be, anything I needed to be … and all I wanted was to be a bear so that I could be worthy of you. When the swans descended and the men turned away, I couldn’t see it anymore, but I felt it, just like you said. I know it sounds crazy, but I believe it. Anything is possible.” Dovid swallows. “How could you believe that I would think less of you? Yes, it was a shock. But it’s a part of you and I love you. I still do.” He looks down and covers his mouth with his hand, stifling a silent sob. “But I guess that future will never be.”
He looks so broken that I don’t know what to do with myself.
“Dovid, I …”
“No, I know that everything’s changed now,” he croaks out, tears running down his cheeks. “But I want you to know that it wouldn’t have mattered to me at all. If anything, it makes you more beautiful. Because you are strong and powerful, and it makes me believe that maybe one day I can be whatever it is I need to be too.”
“Dovid, please, look at me.”
He shakes his head.
I put my hand on his cheek and tilt his chin up so his eyes meet mine. “I love you. It took me a while to figure out what it was that I was feeling, but I don’t have any more doubt. I’m brave enough to stand up for what I believe in—and I believe in you, in the possibility of our love, and a life together. It will be a long road because we must see if Ruven lives; we must see what will be with Tati, what will become of him and us now that he is the Rebbe of a town and a group of Chassidim that doesn’t exist anymore. And I am the last of his line—now more than ever.
“I don’t know if he will rebuild his kehilla out of the ashes, or if we are the last of Chassidei Berre, and Kupel will not rise again. And I don’t know what that means for me and you.”
“Liba … do you really mean it?”
I nod my head. “I do.”
He puts his hand over his mouth to stifle a yelp of joy and takes me in his arms and holds me tight. “I’ll do anything, Liba. Anything to be with you. I’ll even be a bear.”
I close my eyes and smile. What I feel for Dovid is the one thing that I know for sure. I don’t know if my love for him is enough to overcome everything that stands in our way, but I know that I’m willing to try.
“Dovid,” I say. He looks up at me.
“Thank you for everything. For believing me. Without you, I don’t know if I could have managed to change. I don’t know if I would have had the courage to save Laya. You taught me that I was worthy of love, of your love, and I wouldn’t be the same person I am today without that.”
He shakes his head and looks away, tears falling down his cheeks.
“My father always says a friend is not someone who wipes your tears—he’s someone who doesn’t make you cry. And, Dovid, you never made me cry.”
I lean over and kiss him.
90
Laya
Sasha turns away from me.
I see his body shake
and shimmer shimmer shimmer.
In a rush of feathers
he is just a boy,
a naked boy.
He puts on
the feather cloak
that falls to his feet
and turns to me.
You need to think
of earth and soil, he says.
Not of clouds and
wind and air.
Think of feet
touching the ground,
of arms, not wings,
of falling, not flying.
Imagine a thud
to the ground
and roots
which bind you.
I shudder.
I feel nauseous suddenly.
I never want to think
of roots that bind me
ever again, I say,
and hide my beak
under my wing.
He puts his arm out—
I’m sorry, Laya.
I didn’t mean
to cause you pain.
Think of the things
you loved to do
whe
n you were human.
Think of things
that ground you.
Things that bring you joy.
I think of my sister.
Of what it was like
to laugh with her,
to cry with her,
to sing with her,
to make her tea
and watch her bake.
To take forest walks,
and sleep beside her.
How she always
protected me,
and cared for me.
I think of shoes.
I think of soil
between my toes
and how much
I would like
to hold a mug
of tea again,
between my fingers.
I wish for fingers fingers fingers.
Then I feel it:
an inward sensation.
It’s the reverse of
pins and needles
because all the pins
and all the needles
want to be
absorbed by me.
My wings shrink into arms,
my webbed feet lengthen
and separate into toes.
I feel taller and slimmer
surrounded by feathers
and air air air.
I’m me again.
I’ve never been so happy
to see my naked skin.
I look down
and see a cloak
just like the one
my mother left behind.
But this one’s mine.
It’s gold and white.
It’s everything that’s beautiful
in this world.
I look up:
they have all shifted.
They are swan-men
and women, with hair
and eyes and skin
like mine. Their eyes
are all on me
but his
most of all.
My eyes meet Sasha’s.
I blush, and expect to see
him looking at me
with hunger in them
the way that Fedir did,
the way that all men do.
But I don’t.
I see tears.
As if he’s waited
his whole life
for this moment.
And he can’t
believe his eyes.
I bend down
and grasp the cloak
and bring it up
to cover me,
but all the time
my eyes stay
trained on his.
I am something
between human
and beast.
Ever-changing.
I will always
be changing;
I understand this now.
And these swans
are part of my family.
But they are not
my only family.
My father might be a bear
but he will always be
my Tati. And my Mami
will always be
something other—acher—
different from everyone
around her.
And that’s okay.
I am a part
of all of these people,
bears and swans,
and they are a part of me,
and my sister.
Liba Liba Liba
I need my sister.
91
Liba
Dr. Polnikovsky emerges from the house. “I got the bullet out and dressed the wound. He was lucky: it missed his vital organs. All that Ruven must do now is rest and heal. He should pull through, but you must watch him closely for infection. I will come back and check on him and change his bandages.”
Tati, Alter, and Dovid thank him and shake his hand. He leaves and we all go into the cabin, even Dovid, though Alter still gives him dirty looks that say, I plan to kill you later.
Ruven is sleeping on the bed.
Alter checks on him, then turns to Tati and me. “Liba agreed to come back with us to Kupel. But now … I don’t know where we should go.”
Tati looks to me with eyebrows raised.
I swallow and nod. “I did agree, Tati. But … you and I should talk.”
Tati opens his mouth, but Alter speaks again. “We have an opportunity here, one that may never come our way again. Liba is both swan and bear. The swans will do her bidding—she can bring them under her rule.”
“What?” I say, teeth and claws halfway to being bared. “How dare you! I will do no such thing. No group of people should be ruled by another!”
Tati’s arms surround me. “Calm yourself, Liba.”
I shrug him off and take a deep breath, but when I say, “I will not!” it comes out as a roar. I close my eyes and call the river, and let it wash over me.
I open my eyes and say, “Never would I agree to subjugate anyone, or anything. Laya is my sister. The swans are her people. The bears are mine. Perhaps there is swan in me too. But none of that matters. Before that and before everything we were sisters. We will always be sisters. No one has the right to control anyone. It doesn’t matter what they believe or what type of creature they are. More than anyone you should know that right now. People are being burned in synagogues because of what they believe. You do not protect people by ruling over them, by telling them what to do. Laya is mine and I am hers because we love each other; we protect each other because we care. The swans saved all of us today, or did you not see that? They filled the sky. Sometimes protecting someone means letting them go, letting them live their own lives. Respecting their beliefs. I used to think differently, but my sister has shown me that there is another way. That is what love is. It is trust. Being strong enough to let someone you love live free …”
My voice cracks and suddenly Laya is beside me. She takes my hand in hers and I feel stronger.
“I don’t care what Laya looks like and I don’t care what people she belongs to. I love her.” I look over at her and smile. “And that is why I will always protect her, but only in the way that she needs to be protected.”
A feather drifts down and lands on my nose. I turn and see that all the swans are sitting in the loft. I see them nod their heads at me and it feels like something big. Something important.
Mami climbs down the ladder and takes me in her arms. “I have something to say.” She turns to face everyone. “Dochka, I am so proud of you. You have given me courage. I have learned more from you in these short hours than I’ve ever learned from anyone. I must make something right.”
She meets my father’s eyes across the room. She looks at him and says, “Sixteen years ago, you came into this cottage and found me in bed with a man.”
There are murmurs and whispers throughout the room.
“Hush!” she commands. The room goes silent. “You thought that I was being forced, that the man in bed attacked me. You did what you thought was right as my husband, my protector. You killed the man. And I was too scared to tell you the truth. But I must tell the truth now, before the eyes and ears of everyone in this room. I went into the arms of that man willingly.”
My father’s eyes grow hard.
Nobody breathes.
“He was my mate. His name was Aleksei Danilovich. And even though I was happily married to you, when he came to see me, I could not deny him. I betrayed you. And all of this—” She gestures to the swans up above and the bears in the kitchen. “—is my fault. The rivalry between all of you, which in itself contains the roots of hatred. I should have told the truth then. But I was a coward. I did not know that it is possible to hold more than one kind of love inside you. But I was wrong all those years ago, because I loved Aleksei and I was too scared to tell you how I felt. I am learning now from my daughters what love really is. Laya was born from love, and Liba was born from love too—our love.”
Her eyes soften. “I love you,” sh
e says to my father. “I always will. But I have lived my life in guilt and pain over Aleksei’s passing. He lives inside me still, and he lives in Laya—every time I look at her I see him. But I will not let my daughters live a legacy of pain and rage. I will not let my daughters suffer for the lie I lived. If I had told the truth then—that I went into Aleksei’s arms willingly, that I loved you both—I might have lost you. I might have lost Aleksei too, but perhaps had I been brave enough, I could have saved us all.”
She looks to the largest of the swan-men up above in the loft. “Dmitry, there is something I must do. For Aleksei. For his memory.”
Dmitry closes his eyes and clenches his jaw. The pain of having lost Aleksei is etched on his face as though it happened yesterday—not sixteen years ago. Sasha picks up Mami’s cloak and hands it to her.
She goes to the edge of the cottage and bashes in a floorboard with her fist. She lifts out a jar, hugs it tight, and transforms into a swan. She is majestic: White and grey and delicate even though her wings are large and strong. She flies up out of the skylight and opens the jar. Ashes scatter over the roof of the house and the garden and the forest that surrounds us. When she comes back inside and turns back into a woman, her face is streaked with ash and tears.
She kneels on the ground before Tati and bows her head. “I have been a swan for the last time.”
The room is silent. Everyone waits for the axe of Tati’s words to fall.
“Rise, Adel,” he says. His voice is hard, but there is tenderness in it. “I would never lift a hand to harm you. I loved you then and I love you now. It may take me some time to forgive you, but I believe that your words are truth. I know that one can love two things at once, for I loved being a Berre Chassid, but I loved you too. And I was willing to give up everything I was to be with you. But I have caused much of this mess myself. I wanted to protect you so much that I did not see anything other than my rage. If I have learned anything these past years with you, it is that I can control the beast within me far more than I ever thought possible. I know now that I can be what I need to be, what I am, anywhere that I am, in any skin. It is enough for me to be your husband, your Rebbe, your lover and protector. But I also love you enough to let you go if that is what you choose. Please don’t give up your wings.”