“I just want to be left alone,” I say calmly, even though calm is the last thing I feel right now.
He stops pulling and the bed wobbles as he shifts his position. I feel his back against my front and want nothing more than to claw at him for making me feel this way.
“I was horrible to you,” he admits and I won’t lie, he does sound sad. It doesn’t bloody change anything though. “So fucking horrible. There’s no excuse. I won’t give you any excuses.”
I still don’t remove the blanket from my head.
“I haven’t been treating you right at all recently.”
No he hasn’t.
“Elle.”
He pulls on the blanket again, but I shrug him off. “I don’t want to talk to you right now.”
“I made you breakfast.”
Yes, because breakfast is going to fix everything… “No thanks.”
“Elle.” His voice is firmer this time. “Stop being so petulant. Come out from under the blanket and talk to me.”
“Fuck you,” I whisper and turn over, keeping the blanket tight.
“I can’t grovel to a blanket,” he snaps and pulls so hard my fingers just can’t keep a grasp of it.
The sunlight immediately beats down on me and the cold is let in.
Isaac leans over me, his hands either side of my head. His brow quirks. “You look like shit.”
“Double fuck you!” How dare he?
He smiles, a smile I once found sexy, mischievous and enticing. Right now it’s the last thing I want to see. “I’m sorry.” His face becomes serious, his eyes holding an air of sadness that should melt me but doesn’t. “I am so bloody sorry.”
I pull the blanket over my breasts and stare directly into his eyes for a long moment. “You’re sorry?”
“More than you know.”
“Sorry for what, exactly?”
He frowns. “For treating you the way I have.”
“And how have you been treating me?”
“I’ve been moody. I’ve spoken to you like shit.” He leans down and rubs his nose against mine. “I’m sorry, please forgive me?”
Blink. “Go to hell.”
His head pulls back, his eyes now round with shock. “Sorry… what?”
“You heard me.” I push at his shoulders and pull myself into a sitting position. “You can’t fix any relationship with a simple ‘I’m sorry’ and breakfast.”
His eyes narrow suspiciously. “What the hell should I do? You know we don’t have money for jewellery or some kind of fucking elegant proposal with flowers pulled from the arse of a leprechaun.”
“Do you honestly think I’m that materialistic that I’d expect you to buy me something?” Now I’m really angry. “You fail as my husband, Isaac. You fucking fail at it right now.”
He throws his hands up. “Then tell me what the hell you want and I’ll do it! I’m sorry! I’m really fucking sorry.”
He just doesn’t get it.
And then another realisation hits me; it’s because he doesn’t mean it.
I laugh a little and climb from bed, still as naked as I was when I got into it last night. Hastily, I wrap myself in my dressing gown and start rummaging through my closet for clothes.
“I take it you don’t accept my apology.” He states and stands. “I get that what I’ve done is bad, but it’s not worth the angst. Can’t we just move on from it?”
I turn to face him, stiff and angry. “Who the fuck are you?”
His handsome face falls blank. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Laughter bubbles in my chest and releases. “Oh my God. I…” A tear falls from my eye and I wipe it away angrily. “I don’t want to see you right now.”
“We’re married, Elle. We live together.”
“Just because we’re married doesn’t mean you have permission to be a total arse to me.”
“I’ve said I’m sorry.”
“But you don’t even know what you’re sorry for!” My voice is loud, only a few decibels below a yell. “You’re either dumb as shit or you actually meant what you said last night.”
It finally registers in that thick skull of his and his eyes widen with the realisation. “Fuck.”
“Speaking of last night, where were you?”
“I went for a drive.”
“To where?”
“Just around town.” He stays where he’s standing and I’m grateful for that. “I just wanted to clear my head.”
“Good. Did you clear it?” He opens his mouth to respond but I don’t give him the chance. “Did you finally come to the realisation that I’m not worth it? Did you decide you don’t love me anymore, don’t want me anymore?”
“Jesus…” He breathes and grips his hair with his hands as his teeth sink into his lower lip. “I… I didn’t even think about that when I woke up.”
Isaac
I assess the situation, panicked and alert but not having a fucking clue what to say next.
Last night was a blur. I’d been stupid. So fucking stupid.
“Elle.” I reach out to grab her elbow in a soothing gesture, but she pulls away and snatches a top from the drawer, one of my favourites on her gorgeous frame. It’s white, tight and the top of the collar stops beneath her chin. “I forgot.”
She seems more offended by this than anything else I’ve said. “Well, while you spent the night forgetting, I spent the night crying and wondering what a fucking divorce process is like.”
Divorce? My stomach churns and my heart skips a beat. “You want a divorce?”
“No, I was scared that you did.” She stops searching for trousers and leans against the drawers, her head forward and eyes solemn. Then she looks at me and the sadness in her eyes kills me. “Do you?”
“God no!” I reach for her and this time she lets me. “I just… we just had a bad couple of days. I don’t know why I said what I did… or why I didn’t deny it, even.”
She sniffs against my shirt, her arms limp by her sides as I hold her to me and rest my chin atop her head.
“I love you.” I try to reassure her. “I don’t regret this.”
“You don’t regret this today, but what about the next time you’re in a dark place?”
She has a good point. What the hell have I done? “I didn’t regret us last night either. I just… like you said. I was in a dark place.”
“But why?” Her hands fist in my shirt and she pulls back to look up at me, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. “You don’t talk to me anymore. You never have. I feel useless and you shut yourself off and take it out on me.”
I’ve been a fool and a prick. The biggest fool and an even bigger prick. “I love you, more than I could even begin to explain. I’ll try harder.”
“Try harder to what?”
“I’ll try to be more…” What’s the word I’m looking for? “Open with you.”
But how can I be? When she knows where I really went last night, she’ll never forgive me. If she knows how much I lost, she’ll definitely never forgive me, especially after I told her off for spending only twenty quid in a bar last night. It’ll just add to our list of problems and our relationship isn’t exactly in a great place right now.
“I got a few texts on Christmas.” I twist the subject onto things I can actually tell her. Pulling out my phone, I swipe the screen, open my messages and show them to her. We both stand side by side, staring at the message I received from Diplock.
Diplock: It doesn’t seem fair that I lost my home, my wife, my kids and my license and you get fuck all, yet you’ve committed the same fucking crime.
Eloise rubs her eyes and frowns. “He’s a prick.”
“He’s also not entirely wrong. I could still lose my teaching license. I could still…”
“You knew this before you married me,” she points out angrily.
I put my phone away and raise my hands. “I’m not saying that I regret it. I’m just saying we need to think about our options now.
Or I need to think about my options.”
“Options?”
“I need a plan of action. Everybody knows now and, honestly, it’s not making me feel great. I knew it would happen eventually but I thought I’d be more prepared.”
She nods and chews on the inside of her cheek as the cogs turn in her mind. “I don’t know what to say.” Her hands slap her thighs. “I genuinely don’t know what to say. I guess we really didn’t think this through.”
She turns back to the drawers, pulls out a pair of trousers and some underwear and closes them again, before quickly getting dressed.
I stand, motionless and irritated at her non answer.
“Why are you staring at me?” She snaps and I realise I’m not quite off the hook yet. “Don’t you have work?”
Shit.
Double shit.
I need to go but I really don’t want to leave while we’re in a bad place. “I…”
“Just go. You have to work and I have plans today anyway.”
“Plans?”
“I’m meeting Mum for lunch.”
“Right.” I point to the tray of food on the floor. “Eat. I’ll be home tonight.”
She walks over to me and kisses me on the cheek. “Be safe; have a good day.”
I grab her before she can move from reach and press my lips roughly against hers. It takes her a few seconds but she finally melts into me and reciprocates.
I taste her mouth and grip her hair as my lips move against hers and I never want it to stop. She makes me forget everything, always.
What if I lost her today?
I mentally kick myself. I need to be better, for her and for me. I can’t lose her. Life without Eloise would be a dull life indeed. One I’m not sure would be worth living.
“I love you,” I whisper breathlessly against her lips. “I love you so fucking much.”
She smiles slightly, just a slight tilting of the corner of her lips. “Go to work.”
“Yes ma’am.”
I leave, dragging my feet behind me. This is the worst argument we’ve ever had and even though I’ve asked for her forgiveness, I don’t think I can forgive myself.
Eloise
Mum slams the menu down on the table. “Okay, what’s going on?”
I’m about to respond with the word nothing but the glare she gives me is one I know I should never defy. “Marital problems.”
Her eyes become sympathetic. “So I assumed correctly. Come on, tell me.”
“Nothing to tell.”
“Elle…”
“No, seriously, I don’t want to talk about it. This time with you, right now, is me avoiding my issues. It’s a break, so to speak. I’d like to keep it that way.”
“It’s not good to keep things bottled up.” She takes my hand over the table. “You’re too young for this shit, Elle, too young.”
I don’t disagree. “Can we just order and have a good day?”
“Only if you cheer the hell up, Miss.”
I smile and it’s genuine. “Do you want to come and stay with me next month? I’ll show you Cambridge.”
Her eyes light up, no longer concerned and questioning. “I’d love to!” Pause. “On one condition.” Groan. “Don’t be making noises at me. You need to talk to your dad eventually.” Her eyes turn solemn. “He misses you.”
Double groan.
She releases my hand and slaps it. I pull it back in shock as she points at me. “What did I just say about making noises at me?”
“Sorry.” Toddler Eloise is in the building. “Fine.” I finally relent, still rubbing my hand, not because it hurts but for dramatic effect. “I’ll see him. On one condition.”
She groans and if her hand was closer I’d slap her back just for that. She sees my thoughts and, with a wicked grin, places her hands on her lap. “What’s the condition, my sweet girl?”
“He doesn’t bring up Isaac, at all.”
Mum winces. I was half expecting it. “That’ll be hard for him.”
“No deal then.” I wave to the waiter, who motions with a finger that he’ll be a minute.
“I’ll talk to him.”
I give her an incredulous look. “And when has that ever helped you?”
She giggles like a teen in love. “I do love that man, no matter how infuriating he can be.”
My eyes roll of their own accord but I can’t help the smile that lights up my face. I love seeing my mum happy and my dad, shockingly, makes her happy.
“So, when can I come?” She asks, still grinning, and our conversation moves on to better subjects.
She also flirts heavily with the attractive waiter… seemingly forgetting about my dad, which definitely makes me laugh. My mum can be shameless. Faithful, but shameless.
I don’t want to go home.
The thought shocks me as I climb from my mum’s car and blow her a kiss goodbye. I’m later than I thought I’d be and the light is on in the living room.
I inhale deeply and let out a long breath.
I don’t actually want to leave my mum. Part of me wants to run back to my old room, pull out my laptop and catch up on movies. I suddenly feel so grown up, so alone and frightened.
Things were so much easier when I lived at home. My dad was right; I didn’t know how lucky I was.
I open the door and consider going straight to bed, but instead I pad quietly into the living room, only to find Isaac sat on the couch with bills spread out around him.
“Hey,” he says, his eyes tired and his lips a thin line.
“Hey,” I respond and lean against the door jamb. “What’s this all about?”
He rubs his beard with his palm. “We’re low on funds.”
“By how much?” This isn’t good; this isn’t good at all.
“By five hundred and forty. I don’t get paid until the end of January.”
I nod. “We’ll use my savings.”
He blows out a breath and shakes his head. “I can pay for this.”
“We’re equal, Isaac. This is the twenty-first century.”
“But you’re not working.”
“At the moment,” I point out and move to the couch before rummaging through my bag and pulling out the card to my savings account. I hand it to him and watch him place it on the side. We start piling the bills away and I sit beside him, my hand immediately going to his thigh.
“I’ll pay you back.” He promises.
“You already have. I don’t mind, Isaac. Bills have to be paid, right? What does it matter who pays them? What’s mine is yours and vice versa.” Yet another thing to prove how adult I suddenly am.
He turns and kisses me softly on the lips. “Can we not argue tonight? I don’t have the energy; it’s been a really hard day.”
“Why? What’s happened?”
“Your ex is back.” He says it with vehemence as he throws the bills on the ground by the fireplace. I’m not picking those up. “And he is a fucking prick. How the hell you ever dated him, I have no idea.”
“Justin is back?”
He blinks. “Is that all you got from what I said?”
“No, I just wanted to clarify which ex we were talking about.”
His frown deepens. “How many ex boyfriends do I need to worry about?”
I realise now that this is a conversation we’ve never had. “I’ve only ever slept with Justin and you, so none in that sense.” Not that he can talk. “I thought we weren’t arguing?”
“We’re not, we’re not.” He moves his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his side before kissing my hairline. “He’s just so bloody…”
“Arrogant?”
“Exactly.”
“I’m guessing he doesn’t like you.”
“He’s up your father’s arse further than I could shove him there. And I’d really like to shove him there.”
I laugh a little and wrap my arm around his middle. The sound of the fire crackling and the orange glow it emits across the room is very calming. “W
ant me to talk to him?”
He tenses. “I want you to never talk to him.”
“Just a suggestion,” I say around a yawn. “You’ve dealt with worse. You teach classes full of teens like Justin.”
“Taught… I guess I’m a little out of practise.”
I roll my eyes. “It’s been a few months.”
The pause between us is long and deafening. “It feels like it’s been years.”
“You miss it?”
For once he gives me a genuine answer and I can tell he means it by the way his body relaxes and his voice gets soft. “More than I thought I would.”
Unfortunately I feel nothing but guilt at his admission. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not.” He responds immediately and kisses my head again. “What’s a couple of years out of a lifetime?”
Yes, what is a couple of years out of a lifetime? If we’d waited a couple of years…
“I can practically hear your thoughts, Elle. That’s not at all what I meant.”
“I know.” I nuzzle his chest and inhale his intoxicating scent. “I know, but after last night…”
“You wish we’d waited?”
I sit up and free my lip from between my teeth. “I think it would have been the right thing to do.”
“But the hardest.” He strokes my cheek with the back of his hand. “Waking up to your beautiful face whenever I can is… it’s the best thing to ever happen to me, Elle. I don’t think you realise how badly I need you.”
“We shouldn’t have gotten married,” I blurt and his hand falls. “I don’t regret it, but the more I think about it the less sense it makes. We could’ve continued to see each other in secrecy. We didn’t have to tie the knot.”
His eyes hold no tell as to what he’s thinking.
This unfortunately keeps me rambling. “I just… I don’t know. I think maybe we should have just continued as we were before all of the shit that happened with you and my dad. We could be less stressed right now.”
He blinks, yet his eyes still tell me nothing. Then they widen for a fraction of a second, as if he’s just thought of something he never thought of before. “I… I don’t want to talk about this anymore, okay? It’s silly. We can’t turn back time.”
Destruction: The Distraction Trilogy #2 Page 18