I tried to think of anything ‘big’ we had done together, and I couldn’t find anything. I had always just said we were a couple of old ‘homebodies’. We never went on frivolous trips, did any outrageous, expensive nights out. I mean, I mentally had a hard time paying someone for the privilege of sleeping in their bed that thousands, if not millions, of people had slept in before. I mean, seriously? Was I the only one who thought that it was a little gross to possibly be sharing body dirt with millions of strangers? I watched that documentary, hell, we watched it together and I thought we were in agreement that it was the nastiest of nasties. Going out to ‘fancy eatin’ places’ never really held much interest to me, because I was a fairly good cook (thanks to my mom) and I didn’t see the point in spending thirty dollars or more on something I could do myself.
What I think that I was trying to say, is that in three years, we really hadn’t done anything. Not. A. Damn. Thing. Looking back, I realized that he had tried. He had suggested a trip to Disney. I said that there would be too many kids so we wouldn’t be able to see anything or enjoy the rides. He had wanted to go to Hawaii, I said it was too expensive and I really couldn’t take the time off of work. He had tried. I hadn’t.
I think it might be time to shake things up a bit…not because a man told me to, hell no. But because I think, maybe, possibly I’d gotten a little…well… boring.
I realized quickly that I was getting waaaaay too introspective, and a lot too self-centered. Seriously, have you seen how many times I’ve said ‘I’? Holy crap on a stick! I thought it may be a good idea for me to get some therapy. I picked up my phone and call my bestie, Alex. It went to voicemail as always, so I hung up. I knew the drill. Three seconds later and my phone started playing ‘The Bitch is Back’. That was the type of thing that happened when one was stupid enough to leave their phone unattended with their best friend… a new ringtone was added and assigned.
“Hey girl, what’s up?” Alex chirped, always energetic to the point where you wondered if she used Red Bull as a chaser to five espressos.
“Uh… well…” I realized that I didn’t think far enough in advance as to how I was going to get this out without sobbing. I decided to speed through it, “CraigJustLeftHere… IThinkHeBrokeUpWithMe… ButMaybeNot…”
“Okay, so you need some therapy?”
“Yes, I do…STAT”
“I’m on it, we’ll be there in an hour and a half.”
I heard the phone beep, and then it went dead. She didn’t say goodbye, she didn’t have to. I knew that in about two hours, I’d probably already be a bit tipsy, and my close circle of girls would be dishing out advice as quickly as a fast food restaurant dishes out heart attacks. I looked around the house and I realized that it looked a bit messy. I was perhaps a little obsessive when it came to neatness. I couldn’t have the girls feel as if I’d fallen upon slovenliness since being tossed aside like a pair of soiled undies. So I spent the next hour and a half dusting, vacuuming, doing laundry and getting ready for the onslaught.
As expected, one and a half hours later, my front door burst open and the three women who were my strength burst through and encase me in a huge group hug. I was smooshed against Leah’s boobs, but it was okay. They were big and squishy so it wasn’t like it was uncomfortable…just…awkward.
I saw that Karyn had a telltale brown paper bag, and a plastic bag. I raised my eyebrows hopefully. “Cabernet Sauvignon and Chocolate Chip Cookie dough?”
“You know it, woman…so let’s get you drunk and sugared up so you can tell us what that rat bastard did to you.”
Two bottles later, I was feeling a bit…okay, a LOT tipsy, and the girls were telling me that Craig was an ass for walking out on me for something as silly as a book.
“It’s not like he caught you with another man. Or like you swore off sex with him in favor of your vibrator.” That was Alex… explains the ringtone, no?
My head was feeling a little fuzzy, so I took a second to form my words. Yeah, definitely a LOT tipsy. “Guys, the thing is, maybe he’s right. I mean, we don’t go anywhere…we don’t DO anything…and I think it actually may be kinda my fault.”
“So wait, he wanted to do stuff and you said no?” Karyn asked incredulously.
“Um, sorta.”
“Explain, please. Don’t make us beg you.” That was Leah. She’s usually really chill and sweet. But get three glasses into her and this was the result. Evil, slightly crazy Leah.
“So, he was always wanting to go take me to fancy restaurants, and I said no, because I don’t see why we should pay so much money for food I can make just as well on my own. He wanted us to take a trip to Hawaii once a year or so ago, but it was so expensive, and I’m trying to stay in my boss’ good graces, so I said we really couldn’t.”
I looked around the living room to a bunch of bugged out eyes and dropped jaws. Gulp. Yeah, I guess it really is on me that this might be over.
“So, if you all are broken up, that means he’s single and fair game, right?”
“ALEX! You do NOT poach your best friend’s ex-boyfriend… that is NOT cool.” Mentally thanked Leah as my chin raised up a notch and I gave Alex the side eye.
“What? If he wants to take me to Hawaii, I wouldn’t say no, no matter what the cost.”
“Girls, girls, she’s right. I effed up. So, what do I do about it? I think I’m in some sort of a rut, and I just don’t know how to get out. We became, well, comfortable.”
Groans went around the room. Leah was moaning, “That is the kiss of death of a relationship. Lord, you might has well have said he had a cute dick.”
We all got crazy quiet staring at Leah. You see, she was the good one of all of us, and suddenly she developed sailor mouth. I started grinning, then chuckling, and then full on laughing. Everyone joined in and the hysteria raised about ten notches when Karyn snorted…and red wine flew out of her nose. Oh man, I lost it then. Lost. It.
“Oh ma Gawd it buuuuurns, it burns!” she complained, as she ran to the kitchen for a paper towel to wipe herself off.
Once we all calmed down (talk about several deep cleansing breaths), I announced to the group, “Okay, I’m in a rut, I need out. I need to get a life… I’ve become so boring I put myself to sleep…so, what do I do?”
“Sleep with his best friend.”
“Get a make-over.”
“Buy a new purse.”
“Sleep with his dad.”
We all turned and looked at Leah. Karyn walked over and snatched her wine glass away and said, “You’re cut off.” Leah tried to reach for her wine glass and fell off the couch, getting wedged between the couch and coffee table. We all burst into peals of laughter once again. I got up and ran to the bathroom, because I was pretty sure I was going to pee myself laughing on this one. Once we calmed down, Leah was back up on the couch with her arms crossed, and was glaring at us indignantly. “I think his dad is freaking hot.”
“Okay, okay” I was trying to restore order to this ‘meeting’. “Yes, Craig’s dad is wicked hot. BUT…that’s out of the question, and kind of incestuous since I was considered part of the family. I need a REAL course of action.”
It got so quiet around the room as they tried to focus their buzzed minds on the topic at hand.
“Have you ever thought of taking some classes to learn a skill? I got something in the mail from that tech school. Like, they teach basket weaving and shit? What about trying something like that?” Karyn suggested.
“Why not set a goal for yourself, something to work towards?” Alex contributed.
“Hmmmmmm. Those aren’t bad ideas. Let’s start with the classes.” I pulled out my laptop and Googled ‘tech schools near Wareham, MA.’ “Hey guys, looks like Cape Regional Tech has some. This must be the one you were talking about, Alex. That school isn’t too far from here.”
We all gathered around and looked at the class offerings. Feng Shui, Watercolors, Know Your Sewing Machine, Get Debt Free, Blogging for Beginners.
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br /> “Well, I could try the blog thingy,” I said cautiously. “That would be a definite step outside my box. I couldn’t even commit to a diary when I was ten, and when I tried, it was a pathetic attempt to make a world that didn’t exist or make myself look cooler than I ever was.”
I was still thinking about it when Alex grabbed my laptop and started tapping at the keys at a frantic pace. She sat back, gave me a huge grin and said, “You start Monday at 6:30pm.”
“WHAT? You enrolled me already?”
“Hellz yeah, didn’t want to give you a chance to back out. So the one thing you have to do as a perquisite or homework or whatever the hell you call it for this type of class is to come up with a blog topic.”
Shit. I could barely choose which pair of undies to wear in the morning, or what color socks I wanted to wear. If I made it out of the house with matching socks it was a bonus.
“I wouldn’t even begin to know what to write about. I mean, what do I have to add that might be interesting for someone to read? I couldn’t even keep the supposed love of my life interested.”
“Well, this is supposed to be about stepping outside your comfort zone, right? So maybe a blog about trying new things?” Karyn added quietly.
I looked at her and thought about it, tilting my head a little as I considered it. “You know, that’s not a bad idea.”
“Trying something new every day.” Alex was trying out the topic idea. She nodded. “Yeah, that’s a good idea.”
“Every day?” I squeaked out. “How about every week? One new experience every week. Because every day is a bit overwhelming for me.”
“Ohhhhhkaaaaayyyy, one a week.” Alex drawled out. “BUT, we get to pick the things. OMG this will be awesome!” She was clapping her hands and bouncing up and down like an idiot. I wanted to go smack her upside the head a bit, but I’m a tiny bit scared of her so I stayed put. “Ashley, if it were up to you, you would try a new type of seasoning or some boring shit like that. You need to get out and experience life. Get a life. We will help – but you’ve got to trust us. Leah, Karyn…we’ll all come up with some things for her to experience, and we’ll take turns on choosing for the week. Ash, we will send you your topic on Monday, and you’ll have until the following Sunday night to complete it and write about it for the class.”
“Nothing illegal, guys, please.” I noticed my hands started sweating and I was feeling a bit queasy. I felt my stomach turn and I launched myself towards the bathroom. After I relieved myself of copious amounts of wine and ice cream I returned to a living room that was suspiciously quiet. Hushed whispers flew back and forth between my soon to be former friends.
Oh, shit. I was screwed.
Chapter 2
Monday came and I found myself trudging to my blogging class as if I was anticipating entering an interrogation room. I couldn’t tell you why I was so anxious to do this, but it really had me almost hyperventilating with nerves. STOP IT, I coached myself. You can do this, it’s not for credit and it doesn’t affect your career. Now pull on your big girl panties and walk on in there like a boss. I blew out a puff of air which moved my bangs into my eyes. Awesome. Now my eyes were all watery as the feeling of little needle burned them. In a frustrated motion I swiped my bangs back in place as I marched into the room and fell into one of the closest seats.
In rushed a young guy, maybe late twenties/early thirties, with dark hair. He had his head down so I figured he was just another adult seeking enrichment. I was surprised when he dropped his backpack on the instructor’s desk, turning to face us while running his hands through his hair in a frazzled attempt to compose himself. He looked around the room, and when his eyes met mine I felt a jolt that went through my head to my toes. Holy blue eyes. OMG I internally swooned. I had a thing for clear blue eyes. Well, and a nice tight butt. I was easy to please that way. Dark hair and light blue eyes were a lethal combination for me. A little drool formed in the corner of my mouth. I unconsciously lifted my right hand to wipe it away, and realized he was still watching me. His eyes crinkled with humor and his lips lifted in a smirk. Oh man, I was done. Eye crinkles needed to be added to my list of swoon-worthy features. I knew who I would be thinking of tonight when I freshened up my batteries.
Whoa… I mentally shook myself. What was I thinking? I was still in a relationship, it was just on hiatus or sabbatical or whatever the hell we’re calling it. No sleeping with teacher. I felt as if I got caught doing something wrong, and that I should be marched up to the white board in the front of the room and write ‘I shall not fantasize about teacher while playing with B.O.B.’ one hundred times on the white board. I took a long swig from my bottled water, the cold water would have to do until a cold shower was available. I mentally shook myself again, must not think of shower and teacher in the same thought sequence. Geez, what was wrong with me? It wasn’t like it had been that long. Had it? I started to mentally count how long it had been and found myself growing a bit sheepish. No wonder I was singleish now.
I refocused my attention to Blue, who was starting his introduction. Apparently his name was Mark…hmmmm, Mark…. Oh Mark, I could do things with you that were illegal in thirteen states. GAH! What on earth was happening to me?
I started listening as he explained the purpose of the class.
“Okay, so you all are here for your own reasons. Maybe you wanted to make new friends. Maybe you think you have some point of view on something that you think people will actually give a damn about. Maybe you’re just bored. I don’t know and I’m not going to ask you what they are. But I’m going to help you set up a blog online, and set guidelines to complete the class. You are required to complete one blog post a week. You are also required to read each other’s blogs. We will discuss them weekly, I want constructive criticism. The blogs will be kept anonymous, though, so please keep your names out of it. You were told that you had to come to this class with a blog idea. I’m going to ask that you write your blog idea, your blog name and the concept down, as well as your name and I’ll collect that from you. Today you will be setting up your blog space, logging in, finding out how to maneuver around the space, add your content, add photos, change formats, etc. For next class, you’ll need to do an intro blog. In your intro, I want you to explain what your blog will be about, what the journey will be. Again, please keep it anonymous for now. At the end of our six weeks together, we will reveal who wrote what, and discuss our experiences in the journey of maintaining their blog, and the interaction with anyone who read it. I do ask that you let your friends and family know about it as you feel comfortable, because you SHOULD have readers. Any questions? No? Okay, so start writing down your blog titles, concepts and names. I’ll come around and grab them.”
Um, so okay, this was the point where I should let you know I did NOT think about my blog in advance. I knew I was supposed to, but let’s face it, my friends picked out my blog concept for me. A new experience every week. I grabbed a piece of paper and as my pen hit the paper my brain went blank for a moment. Then I just went for it.
Name: Ashley MacKillop
Blog title: Singleish
Concept: My boyfriend sort of broke up with me but not really. I’m in a rut and a half where I don’t do anything interesting or fun anymore so after a drunk night of wine and ice cream fueled introspection, my best friends signed me up for this class and they will be forcing me to do one new thing every week. The kicker is, they get to choose my adventure each week and I get no choice in the matter. I’m terrified at what they are going to choose and I’m doing my best to be extra nice to each of them so it’s nothing particularly crazy.
Well, that was honest, at least. He was probably going to think that I was psychotic. But I didn’t care what he thought about me and my choice of topic…or friends. It should be interesting, to say the least. I just hope that I haven’t done anything I’ve forgotten about to Alex, Leah and Karyn that they would be paying me back for. Karma is a bitch and so are my girls when they’d been drinking. I
hoped that these topics are chosen sober.
We go over setting up the blog, I chose a pink, florally girlie pattern for mine, and set up our log-in information. Class is dismissed with a reminder to write an intro post explaining the blog, sort of like the concept paragraph we wrote up for Mark by the next time we meet, next Monday.
Leaving the room we had to walk past Mark, who was being careful to say goodbye to everyone, make eye contact and wishing us the best. When I was next in line, he shook my hand, mumbled a ‘good luck’ and did not look me in the eyes. I was confused as I said, “Uh, thanks?” and walked out the door in a dumb stupor. WTF was that? Everyone got a heartfelt thought but me? Geez, as if I wasn’t feeling vulnerable and tore open enough, the hot teacher that I would be having inappropriate fantasies about tonight couldn’t even look me in the eye. Did I look that hideous today? Coyote ugly? Without thinking, I gnawed at my arm a bit in a coyote ugly motion my dad and I would have done together, but Daddy wasn’t there to appreciate the gesture, so instead I looked like a freak. A bit.
Once I got home, I poured my glass of red liquid courage, and opened up the laptop I stored under my couch. I opened up my new blog and as my fingers hovered over the keyboard I paused, how much was I willing to share? How ‘real’ was I willing to be in my posts? I tilted my head and thought, go big or go home. Let’s do this bitch.
After taking a long swallow of my wine, I started typing.
“This is not my idea. This is something I’m doing because I was told that I’m pretty much a boring excuse for a human being. I was told this by a person I trusted my heart to. I loved him and I would have married him, but now I can’t because he put our relationship on a hiatus. We are now a sitcom on break for the summer or winter. We are not an ‘us’ until he decides that I am no longer lacking in ambition and goals. The break started because I ignored my boyfriend of three years unintentionally, but that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He walked away because he tried to create moments with me and have adventures with me when I was not interested. I turned my back. I said no. This is what made him slam on the breaks and say he needed a chance to think about things. It takes two to tango, and he was dancing alone. I thought we were happy homebodies, but I realize I wasn’t paying much attention to him. I was more interested in reading then playing out my own adventures with my real, living, breathing Prince Charming. Do we find each other in the end of this journey? Who knows? But I think it’s time for me to find myself in the journey. My best friends and I met up and after consuming enough wine to intoxicate a small village in Madagascar, devised this plan to take a class on blogging to get me out of my rut. Seemed like a brilliant idea at the time. My friends will be choosing my ‘try something new each week’ adventure. I won’t know what it is until I get the email or text. I promise to be honest in my reaction and my execution. Not knowing what it is they have planned for me, this may be NSFW. I’m just hoping I haven’t pissed them off in a past life or something. So as I find out, you find out. I will be truthful in my experiences in carrying out their planned ‘adventures’…so help me God.”
Destruction: The Distraction Trilogy #2 Page 32