by Tia Siren
He’d died a hero and President Lincoln had even sent her a note expressing his dismay at his loss and that he had been a strong and courageous soldier.
It didn’t ease her pain. The president couldn’t bring him back. No one could bring him back. Not even God. He didn’t do that kind of stuff anymore.
Her emotions peaked, she sobbed for nearly an hour. She didn’t know when she would ever stop. Her tears would eventually dry up and she would have no more to shed. She had never felt such intense sorrow in all her 22 years. Where would she go? Who would she rely on? Her parents?
The thought made her cry harder. She was a married woman who had lived for three years with a man who showed her what love was all about. Now he was gone, ripped from her life abruptly. Her tears were intense and her bed shook as her body did.
“Lord!” She cried out. “How could this happen?”
Minnie heard a shuffling behind her and realized she had probably woken Billy up. She used the sheet on the bed to dry her tears and pushed herself up. She was going to be strong for her little boy. Even if it meant she could not show her sorrow in front of him. He was a year and a half old and wouldn’t understand why she was in such despair. It might harm him to see her so upset. She composed herself and went to his cradle, where he was sitting up, rubbing his eyes.
“Mama!” he called out to her. “Mama!”
“I’m here, sweet one,” she said, reaching into the cradle and picking him up. He was getting so heavy. “You’re already wake? Did you get enough sleep?”
“Mama cry.” He was staring into her eyes and she sat on the bed, resting him on her lap. His eyes were huge and blue, gazing at her intently. She brushed his blond hair back from his eyes and kissed his forehead.
“I’ll be okay, little man. I will be. You don’t have to worry.”
“No cry, mama!” Billy wrapped his arms around her neck and hugged her tight. “No cry!”
“I won’t, my son.” She buried her face in his small neck and shoulder. “I won’t cry anymore.”
But she knew she would.
Minnie hadn’t gotten any sleep at all for almost four days. Since the telegraph arrived, all she could do was wallow in her misery. Her mother was still being encouraging and supportive but her father was still upset and sullen. His mood was dark and angry. “He was a good boy!” He kept exclaiming whenever the subject was broached. “He was always a good boy! Good shot, too! Took him hunting! He was the best at it, best young boy I’d taught.”
There were many other things that had impressed him about Tom. He never failed to mention them. Minnie often wondered if he would ever stop talking about her late husband. It hurt every time she mentioned him. She wanted to avoid the subject and not think about it. She would never come out of mourning if he didn’t. The fact that she was now a widow with a fatherless boy was bad enough but to have it constantly ranted on about by her father was more unbearable than she could imagine.
She dragged herself out of bed, pulling on her robe as she did every morning. Billy had a strange schedule but she was glad of it. He slept more often than other babies she’d heard of. Her mother had appeared a little envious of it. Billy slept through the night and often into the next morning, allowing her to do other things before he woke up.
She glanced in his room and then went down the stairs to the kitchen when she saw he was still sound asleep as always. Her father and brothers had left for the day’s work and her mother was still in her bed. She sat listlessly at the kitchen table, unsure whether she wanted to make a cup of coffee or hot tea. Either way, she needed something warm in her body. It was chilly this morning. She didn’t expect it to warm up.
She sat there for a little while, gazing out the window as the sun rose. She didn’t want to go back up and get dressed for the day. She didn’t want to go through the process of brushing and caring for her long brown hair, fitting it into braids like she had done nearly every day of her life. She didn’t want to do anything.
She wanted to be with her husband.
But she had a tiny baby to care for. She wasn’t going to leave him here on his own without his mama or papa. She wanted to keep him safe from harm and not let him understand what was going on until he was much older.
She let her tears come again and wondered how she was going to continue on without Tom. She had no kind of income. She didn’t want to stay here with her parents and brothers forever. She’d had a life before, a very full life before Tom had gone to the war. She missed him every day. She missed him even when he was alive.
Her mother came through the door, surprising her.
“Oh mother. You scared me.”
“I’m sorry, dear.” Minnie’s mother came directly to her and put her hands on Minnie’s shoulders. “I wish I could make you feel better. I know you must be terribly hurt and upset. But it will pass. Time will heal your heart, darling.”
“I am afraid it will take too long. I’m afraid I will feel this way forever.”
Her shoulders shook slightly and her mother leaned over to hug her.
“I love you, Minnie. It will be okay in time.”
“I love you, too, mama.” She didn’t really believe her. But she was glad to have her comforting arms around her. She lifted one hand and wrapped it around one of her mother’s arms, letting her hold her. She pulled her tears in and did her best to stop crying. It was going to take a long time. A very long time.
Two months later, Minnie was sitting in the same place, feeling as lost as she ever had. She didn’t feel strong. She didn’t feel recovered. Time had not healed her heart. Her little boy was almost two now. He was smiling all the time, still saying “dada”, even though dada wasn’t around. It broke her heart every time she thought about it. Every time she heard it.
She sat waiting for Liz, her best friend in town. Liz was encouraging and helpful but nothing seemed to take away her pain. She stared out the window next to the table, watching the road for Liz to be dropped off. She felt a little impatient and pushed the feeling down. She didn’t want to feel that way. She was struggling with being overwhelmed by her strong emotions. Her crying hadn’t stopped. Billy was starting to notice and it made her feel even worse.
Now, she was not only crying for the loss of her husband, she was joining the nation in mourning the loss of President Lincoln. She couldn’t figure out why good men had to die like that. It didn’t make sense to her at all.
She saw a cloud of dust and realized she’d been staring out the window not even seeing that Liz was stepping down from a wagon and would be at the door in moments.
She stood up and went to let her friend in.
“Good morning, Mins!” Liz threw her arms around her as soon as she opened the door, making her take a step back. She couldn’t help smiling and hugging her friend back.
“Good morning, Lizzie. How are you doing today?”
Liz released her from the hug and held her at arm’s length, her hands gripping Minnie’s arms gently. “I am fine, as usual, honeypot. The question is, ‘are you feeling any better’?”
They linked arms and took a few steps to turn into the kitchen, where they usually sat to talk.
“Have you been eating?” Liz asked. “I know you were having trouble there for a long time. How are you now?”
Minnie shrugged, resuming the seat she’d been in before. Liz sat across from her and leaned over to hold one of her hands. “I am eating as normal, I suppose. I don’t have much of an appetite.”
Liz shook her head, lifting her fabric hand bag and placing it on the table in front of her. She put her other hand over the Minnie’s so that she was clasping it tightly. “I can’t continue to see you in this state, my dear. You have been such a good friend to me for all these years and you’ve gotten me through some pretty tough times. I have been blessed to have you as a friend to me.”
Minnie felt a warm sensation slide through her chest. She smiled at Liz. “Thank you, Lizzie. That really does mean so much to me.”
Liz nodded. “I would never do anything to hurt you, you know that don’t you?”
Minnie nodded. “I do know that, Lizzie. I surely do.”
Liz smiled warmly and squeezed her hand.
****
Chapter Two
Joseph lifted the sack, attaching it neatly to the side of the saddle before pulling himself up on the tall Mustang. He patted her side and whispered in her ear, enjoying the brush of the horse’s ear on his lips when she twitched it. There were few things left for him to feel good about, so he relished in it. He lifted back up in the saddle and pressed Sally’s sides with his heels to get her moving.
They slowly made their way over several hills, crossing a field and following the stream on his property as he inspected it. There had been some wandering thieves in town recently and he needed to make sure they hadn’t been camping out anywhere on his land. He liked to keep his property secure but there was little way to do that without the biggest fence in the world and a lot of patrolling time. The land he and his father had purchased here – the land that was now his since his father died – was several hundred acres. There was no way for him to cover all the land and keep it safe.
He reckoned there wasn’t much need anyway, since people needed to get from one place to another, and if they needed to cross his property to get safely to their destination, that was all right with him. He just didn’t want anyone causing any trouble for the innocent travelers who weren’t seeking to harm anyone.
Joe peered out over the long field in front of him. It stretched out at a slant and was dotted with spots where there was no grass, where rocks and sand had taken over and then abruptly stopped as if that was where the ground held more water and could support life. He kept his eye out for any wild animals that might cross his path. Coyotes were sometimes a nuisance but he knew how to deal with them. He kept his rifle strapped across his back and was the best shot in his family. He’d been shooting and hunting since he was a boy and even competed for several years in local competitions and the traveling fairs. He had won many times as a youth. But as he got older, he was less interested in competition and more interested in hunting for food and raising horses on his ranch.
His mind wandered back to the most recent time he had been in a competition and the memory pierced him like a knife. It was the last time he would ever compete. He had been at the competition when his wife, Annie, whom he adored with all his heart, was thrown from her horse and killed. Right here on the ranch.
She left him and their three year old daughter, Ruthie, behind. It was heartbreaking, a tragic event that with time, had not healed. It was going on seven months. He had tried going into town about a month previous and looking around for a woman that could fill the enormous shoes his wife had left behind. No woman would qualify. No woman was good enough. He felt strongly there would never be anyone in his heart and mind that would match the love he’d had for his late Annie.
Ruthie wasn’t the same either. She had been a vibrant, happy child, always smiling and tossing the pretty blond curls that fell down past her tiny shoulders.
When he thought about Ruthie, Joe was filled with a warm and overwhelming love. He adored his sweet daughter as much as he had his wife and wanted to see her smile again. But he was incapable of consoling her when he wasn’t able to console himself. And how would a three year old be able to wrestle with the incredible devastation of losing a mother without some help from an adult?
So with the deepest regret, Joe had let his brother, Alexander and sister-in-law, Catherine, take Ruthie to their farm until he could get his head back on straight.
This decision had left him mourning both his wife and the daughter he loved so much. It seemed they were both gone from him, even though Ruthie was still there.
His mind whirled with emotion and he stopped his horse, sliding from the saddle to land softly on the ground below. He tied the reins to a tree branch, not that he thought Sally would try to run off. She had been with him for five years and never went anywhere without him. He could walk around the land for miles and she would stay by his side or behind him, waiting for him to get on her back.
He plopped on the grass below him and looked down over the field as it sloped downward. He could throw himself over one of the ravines.
The thought made him shake his head. “Not a chance,” he murmured, picking up a rock and tossing it down the hill to see how far it would go. “Ruthie.” He was definitely reconsidering his decision to let Ruthie go to Alex and Catherine’s. But in order to get her back, he had to get his mind straight again. He didn’t think he wanted to listen to what Catherine would say if he asked for Ruthie back without having some kind of recovery and future in mind. And right now, all he could think of was day to day survival. Even after all these months.
He sighed. “I gotta do something about this,” he said in a low voice. Sally let her head down next to him and nudged him with her nose. He patted her head and smiled at her. “I’m just talking to myself, girl. You don’t want me alone and sad forever, either, do you? Big girl. What would I do without you?”
He rubbed her nose and under her chin. “I know, girl. I gotta do something. I gotta pull myself together here.”
Sally snorted playfully and he felt like she understood and was agreeing.
“Yeah, yeah.”
He breathed in deeply and let it out slowly. “Okay, girl. I will. I’m gonna make things better now. I’m gonna get my head on and think right. I gotta think about Ruthie. I gotta think about my horses. I gotta think about…” He got to his feet and wrapped one arm over his saddle. “I gotta think about me.”
He turned her in the direction they had originally come from, toward his ranch house. He would go visit his older brother and ask for advice. Alex was working at the grain mill in town. Joe wanted to talk with him while he was at work, so that Catherine wouldn’t be around. She was highly critical of him, had always been that way. He didn’t need any more criticism. Her berating is what had caused him to let Ruthie go over there in the first place. Catherine had made him sound completely incompetent in caring for a three year old girl. But Ruthie had been there almost a month and it was time to get her back.
No matter how he felt, his daughter was more important and it had been long enough.
As he approached the mill, he could see his older brother standing outside the building, holding a large cup, which he frequently took a drink from as he listened to another man speak. They were involved in what looked like a serious discussion to Joe, until Alex threw his head back and laughed heartily, slapping his friend on the arm with his free hand. They both laughed more.
Joe smiled as he got closer. Alex looked up and lifted one hand.
“Joe! What are you doing in town, brother? It’s good to see you.” He glanced at the man he’d been talking to. “That’s my brother, you know him, don’t you?”
The man nodded. “Yeah, we’ve met many times, Alex. You know that.”
They both laughed again.
Joe came to a stop in front of them and slid down from the saddle, throwing the reins over a nearby hitching post. “Matt.” He nodded at the other man.
“Joe!”
They shook hands.
Joe looked up at his brother, who was much larger than he was. Alex was built strong, big and tough, with muscles bulging from all over his body. Joe was happy with what he had and didn’t desire to be as muscular as his brother. In all honesty, he wasn’t sure how Alex had gone from a slender young man to a bulky muscular man in the ages between 21 and 31.
“Alex, wondering if you wouldn’t mind taking a minute for me?”
Alex’s smile wavered and the look in his eyes told Joe he knew the talk would be a serious one.
“Of course, brother, of course.”
“I’ll let you guys discuss.” Matt backed up. “I’ll see you inside, Alex.”
“If you want to stay, Matt, I could use as many wise ideas as possible.”
Matt
looked surprised. “Well…okay, if you really want me to stay. Let’s sit over on those benches though. Too hot to keep standing here.”
They moved to the benches, which were placed so that they all faced each other in a circle.
Alex held out the big cup to Joe. “You want a gulp of water, Joe? You look hot.”
“Yeah, thanks, I appreciate that.”
He took the cup and did, indeed, take a large gulp of the cool water. He was impressed that it was as cool as it was. “Thanks.” He said. His brother nodded.
“So I’m thinking it’s about time to pull myself together.” Alex said. “I’m not sitting well with this life I’m leading. I gotta do something to make a change. I don’t want to be miserable another day of my life and I want my little girl back. I need suggestions. What you guys think I should do?”
Matt lowered his eyes and looked at the ground intently. Alex continued looking at his brother and there was a bit of uncomfortable silence as Joe wondered what they were going to say, how they would respond.
Matt looked up at Alex, waiting to see what Joe’s actual brother would say before giving his own response. Alex finally spoke up, blinking at his brother.
“I think you need to be with your baby girl, Joey. But how do you feel? I mean, you really lose a lot there and you were having a hard time. You been hitting the bottle much lately?”
Joe shook his head. “No, I quit the drink right after you…after Ruthie went to stay with your family. I didn’t like slopping around like a pig in a mud pen. I wanna put it back together. But I really can’t reckon how I’m gonna do that.”
“You’re always gonna miss Annie.” Alex said. “But you gotta move on sometime. You been eyein’ any of the women in town? You thought about askin’ somebody to dinner or a ride through that gorgeous land of yours? What are you considering?”
“That’s the thing, Alex, I’m not considering. Don’t reckon there’s much to consider around here.”