by Unknown
Why did she always blurt out exactly what was in her head?
Slowly, she dropped her hand and felt her heart sink to rock bottom “Shit! I–I mean…not that there’s anything wrong with you being gay if that’s your preference. I…uh…well… just…well, I…damn!” She eyed his jutting penis and could have wept. “What a waste. I never even thought…considered you might be…homosexual.” Now she really felt like crying. “But of course, we can’t help who or how we love…” She shrugged, her voice faltering to a stop.
Was that really her who sounded so forlorn? Damn, she stared at his penis as if she’d just lost her new best friend. “I just never thought…” At a loss for words, she shrugged again and tried to drag her regretful gaze away from his jutting cock. No use grieving.
She might be at a loss for stringing one perfect sentence together, but she couldn’t manage to shut her runaway chops. She kept babbling making everything worse. “You’re so…manly, so rugged…so–so…I–I…how can I win?” she concluded with a tiny, defeated shrug.
Simple, she couldn’t. She was a loser. She’d always been a loser and this just sucked! “Well, say something for God’s sake,” she cried, “so I’ll stop making a fool of myself.”
“But you’re so enjoying your rant.”
“That’s it? That’s the best you can come up with to make me feel better?”
“I’m not gay? Is that better?”
She widened her eyes. “But you just said…”She bit off an expletive. Now she was confused. Why did he have sex with men if he wasn’t gay? “Oh!” Like pieces of a puzzle, everything slid together in her mind and snapped in place. “Okay, you were young when you first went in…or–or came out, whatever the proper saying is. I understand. You explored your options. Experimented. I–I mean it’s natural to—No wonder you wouldn’t touch me that day by the creek,” she concluded.
“No. You have it all wrong,” he said, his body taut with frustration.
“You aren’t making sense, Wild. I’m mystified. You just said―”
“Jesus Christ,” he roared. Slapping a palm across her mouth, he uttered, “Do you ever shut up?”
She shook her head. “No,” she said behind his hand, sounding weepy. “I have a nervous habit of talking nonstop when I’m real upset. I’m real upset right this moment, as you can tell. I–I mean, I had no clue you’re gay. I mean you said—”
“Shit!” He dropped his hand and raked unsteady fingers through his wet hair. “I know what I said,” he said on a calmer note. “I didn’t say it was consensual. When five men hold a man down so another can rape him, it’s hardly voluntary. It sure as hell doesn’t make me gay,” he blurted.
“I–I see.” If he was trying to make her feel better, he failed miserably. She not only felt worse, but now she felt guiltier than ever. She’d totally ruined this man’s life in ways she couldn’t begin to grasp. “Oh, God, Wild, I had no idea…I didn’t know then those kinds of things could happen to you. I…” She bowed her head and buried her face in her hands. “No wonder you despise me. I understand now why you hate me so much. I understand why you don’t want me. How could you possibly ever love me? I’m so unworthy to even be near you.”
“Jesus God.”
She looked up, snared by the distraught note in his ragged voice.
His face, twisted with anguish, struck her heart hard.
She couldn’t bear knowing what he’d suffered because of her.
He clenched his fists at his sides. “You have no idea how badly I wanted you that day at the creek, so much so, I knew if I responded to your kiss, or looked back when I got on that mare, I wouldn’t leave. I’d turn around, come right back to you, climb off that horse, and make love to you. And baby, you were simply too young. I was old enough to know better, too old to take advantage of your innocence. I wanted you. Never doubt it for a moment.” He searched her face. “I wanted you so bad my teeth hurt. I wasn’t prepared to protect you. I would never have pulled out of you in time. I wanted you too much to have that kind of control. The only thing I could do was get out of there as fast as I could.”
Jayla’s lower lip quivered. She wanted to fling herself into his arms, but even though he’d said he wanted her back then, it didn’t mean he wanted her now, not after everything that had happened.
“I wish you had,” she said, teary-eyed. She felt daring enough to clasp one of his hands and hold it against her face. “I wish you had turned around and came back to me. It was better than the alternative. It still is.”
“No, Jayla.” Wild titled her chin to meet her gaze. “You see, I was half in love with you back then, too, but when you lied on that witness stand and I went to prison, something died inside me. It’s never come back to life. You left me nothing to hold on to.”
Jayla burst into tears. Her shoulders shook with the deep sobs that wrenched from her soul. She lifted her head, knew she must look a fright with tears streaming down her face. Her lips quivered. She sniffed every few seconds.
How romantic could she possibly appear to him? Damn it, where this man was concerned, she always had lousy timing. “I’d give anything if I could go back to that day and change things,” she said in a low voice.
“Would you?” Wild searched her eyes. “Or would you still do the same thing? Still tell those lies that cost five years of my life?”
“I—”
“Don’t.” He laid a finger across her lips. “I think we both know the answer to that question.”
Jayla lowered her gaze. “I’m so sorry.” Her voice cracked. “I swear I had no choice.”
Wild tilted her face up to his. “It took me awhile to figure that out.” He brushed her tears away with his thumb tips. “Sssh. I think it is I who owes an apology. I left you alone that day. I should have made certain you arrived home safely.”
She shook her head. She refused to let him take on this burden. “It doesn’t matter. It wouldn’t have made any difference.”
“The hell it wouldn’t. You’d have been safe in your home.”
“I was never safe in my home,” she whispered.
“What?”
She closed her eyes and felt the wetness spiking her lashes against her cheeks. Slowly, she opened her eyes and gazed into his face, a face that looked so rugged, yet carried signs of vulnerability, a face she yearned to press kisses against. “It doesn’t matter anymore, Wild. What matters is now and whether you’re still half in love with me.” She tried to smile to lighten things, but she had a feeling she’d failed miserably. “I love you. I can live with half your love as long as I have a chance to win all of it.”
“I don’t know what love is anymore,” he said.
Jayla clenched her trembling fingers. “I ruined your life, didn’t I? I totally ruined you for women.”
“Did you?”Abruptly, Wild lifted her into his arms and carried her to the bed. “I’m not so sure of that anymore, either.”
“You aren’t?” She blinked. “Which part aren’t you sure about?”
He glanced in the southerly direction. “Obviously you didn’t ruin me for women. I’ve been half erect ever since you shot my damn hat off my head. Why that turned me on I haven’t a clue.”
“Oh. Maybe it wasn’t the fact I shot your hat, but that I’m female and you need a woman. I’m available, you know…for you.”
“Don’t say things like that.” He frowned. “You make yourself sound cheap and I know better.”
“No, you don’t,” she said, sadness filling her heart. “You don’t know anything about me anymore.” She couldn’t resist touching the dark hair that curled at his nape. He needed a haircut, but she could get used to his hair being a bit shaggy. It felt soft beneath her fingertips. She sighed. She couldn’t put off telling him the truth any longer. “You don’t know the evil things I’ve done. You don’t know that I’m—”
“I don’t wanna know, Jayla,” he snapped with the obvious intent of shutting her up. I never thought you were perfect. You’re
human and humans make mistakes.” He hesitated, shook his head and seemed to rebuild the wall between them that she’d managed to take a brick or two down from. “Sometimes they’re terrible mistakes,” he continued, “and difficult to move past, but we have to move forward.”
“I made a lot of mistakes. I slept with one man I despised because I thought it was the right thing to do,” she said impulsively, determined he know something of the truth about her. “I slept with a different man knowing it was the wrong thing to do, but believed I wanted him, but you…you, I haven’t slept with, and you’re the only man I’ve ever loved. So, at least if I sleep with you, it’s for the right reason. As I said, I’m available.”
Wild grunted. “Who else are you available for?” He searched her face in the dim light.
“No one,” she said huskily. Though she might deserve it, his hurtful remark hit home. She opened her mouth to object, but decided to let it go—this time. He had no reason to trust her or believe she loved him, but Lord, she prayed just this once he’d have some faith in her. “Please believe I’ll never do the kind of things I’ve done in my past again, not for any reason. I swear it. I don’t deny, can’t deny others have touched me, but it was always you in my heart. I know you don’t like it, or like me. I don’t like it, but it’s still you I want. I want you to make love to me.”
“You’re pregnant, Jayla.”
“I didn’t mean now, and yes, I know I’m pregnant, but I won’t be forever.”
His lips tightened. “How far along are you?”
“Almost thirteen weeks. Why?”
“Three months ago, you wanted a different man.”
“No…that isn’t true.”
“What isn’t true? You’re going to have another man’s baby.”
Jayla glared at him, although she figured it was wasted in the dark shadows. “It took five men to hold you down so one could rape you. In my case…it only took one man determined to have his way, to hold me down, to take what he wanted. He didn’t care if I conceived his child. It was, in fact, his ultimate goal.”
“Jayla —”
“No, don’t. I don’t want your sympathy just like you don’t want mine. I made my bed. I knew what I was getting into when I crawled in bed with him the first time. I know my actions were irresponsible, but I’ve grown up a lot since all this began…since that summer. I’m doing my best to make things right for both of us.”
“If you don’t want the baby, there are other options,” Wild said gently, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.
Jayla laughed. She wondered how it sounded to him because it sure as hell sounded bitter to her. “That’s the problem, Wild. I want the baby. He knew I’d want it. For me, there are no options no matter who fathered my child. I want her. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her safe.”
A tiny smile flickered across his mouth. “I see. You’re dead-set on having a girl, huh?”
“I am. I won’t contemplate having a boy. Not by him.”
“He wants a son?”
“Not particularly. The sex of the child makes little difference to him, but it makes a big difference to me. I will not bear him a son just so he can turn him into what he is.”
Wild frowned. “What is he?”
“A monster.”
“Who is he?”
Jayla shook her head. “He was someone who came into my life at a moment when I was vulnerable, a moment that was right, or so I believed at the time. I simply traded one evil for another. I didn’t just make a mess of your life, Wild. I made a total disaster of mine, too.”
Wild clasped her upper arms and drew her close. “If it helps, I no longer think you ruined my life. I stopped believing that some time ago.”
Jayla widened her eyes. “You mean you gave me a hard time just because…just because…” She spluttered to a stop.
“You gave me a hard time,” he said, a hint of wickedness in his voice. The teasing light in his eyes let her know to take the double entendre anyway she wanted.
“How long ago?” she demanded, hands on her hips.
“From the very beginning.”
She grinned. “Yeah? Well that wasn’t what I meant. I meant when did you stop blaming me for ruining your life?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “Three, maybe four years back. It took me a long time to figure it out. But hey, I had nothing but time in prison. The first two years I hated you. I plotted and fumed and thought of ways I’d make you pay for lying and sending me to prison. But the third year, I began to wonder why you lied.” He let her go and stepped back. “It wasn’t until after you came forward, I realized you hadn’t lied because you were spiteful or getting even because I walked away from you that day, but because for some reason, you had no choice, and you’d suddenly been given the freedom to tell the truth…sort of.”
Jayla felt chills race up and down her arms. He knew! Somehow he knew the truth. At least he knew she hadn’t testified against him for spite.
“What happened that allowed you the freedom to come forward and have me released?”
“My mother died,” she said simply. “You see, he made the ultimate mistake having her murdered. He forgot she was his only hold over me.”
“The senator?”
Jayla nodded. “Yes. When Mother was gone, I didn’t care if he killed me. I was determined to gain your freedom.” She bit her lip. “I didn’t think, never dreamed what he’d do for revenge. I made a huge mistake, Wild, and I’ll pay for that mistake until the day I die.”
He searched her eyes, waiting for her to tell him everything, but she didn’t know if she’d ever be able to share all the ugliness with him that was once her life. He just thought his was bad, she knew damn certain hers was. “I did ruin your life, but I didn’t stop with yours,” she confessed. “I saw someone I wanted, and because I hadn’t been able to win you, I was determined not to let this man get away.” She gave a bitter laugh. “I won him hands down. I wasn’t much wiser dealing with him than I’d been with you. I was seventeen, young, desirable, and he wanted me as much as I wanted him. I thought…” She drew a deep breath and slowly exhaled. “I thought I’d won the prize.”
“So you were happy. There’s nothing wrong with that, Jayla.”
“There was everything wrong with it,” she said, “and not one damn thing right.” Jayla forced a smile to her lips and sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m tired.”
Wild hesitated, then slowly nodded. “Okay. I guess you are tired, but at some point, you have to trust me to understand your reasons for doing the things you’ve done.”
Jayla nodded and ducked her head. She’d never tell him the truth. If she did, she knew she’d lose what little ground she’d gained tonight. She refused to lose Wild again. If it meant telling more lies to keep him, then she’d do whatever it took. This was her one shot at capturing the man she loved, and no way in hell did she intend to risk losing him by confessing her sins. Jayla took his hand. “Let’s go to bed.”
Wild tensed beside her. “To sleep,” he said in a no argument attitude.
She sighed and forced a cheerful smile to her lips. “If you insist, then I guess we’ll sleep.”
Chapter Seventeen
Babies are such a nice way to start people.
~Don Herrold
Montana
West side of Dancing Star
February 21, Saturday
4:00 a.m.
Wild crawled in beside Jayla and gently tucked the covers around them. She caught her breath, surprised when he slid his arm across her waist and pulled her close. As wonderful as it was to lie beside him, it was also hell knowing they couldn’t make love.
It was probably a damn good thing she was wearing panties.
Gliding an arm smoothly beneath her breasts, he whispered in her ear, “Go to sleep. A few hours ago you nearly lost your baby. You need rest.”
“I’m not tired.”
“You still need to rest.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine, honey. Did you take your insulin? Are you sure the baby’s okay?”
Jayla smiled in the dark and rubbed her chin against the top of his arm. A dart of pleasure soared through her. It was a bit of a novelty to have someone worry about her, but it felt damn good. “You’ve turned into a regular mother hen, Wild Remington. Yes, I took my shot. You fed me. The baby’s fine, at least for now. I have an occasional cramp, but they eased up hours ago, and I stopped bleeding. I’m spotting a little, but I don’t think it’ll lead back to where I was earlier. So stop worrying so much.”
“The last thing I am is a mama hen, sweetheart,” he said in a gruff voice close to her ear. He eased his hand across her belly, possessive, even though she doubted he realized it. “Maybe a tough old rooster,” he continued, “but not a mama hen.” He sighed, the whisper of his breath warming her nape. “I just don’t want anything to happen to you or the baby. So get some rest. Go to sleep.”
Jayla didn’t want to sleep. Too keyed up to relax or even close her eyes, she preferred to turn over, face him, and explore his muscled body. Restless, her body hungered. She ached to guide his penis inside her, to feed the fire that continued to grow. God, given the opportunity, how she’d ride this cowboy!
“Ooh! Did you feel that?” she blurted, startled.
Beside her, Wild gasped and jerked his hand off her belly. “Whoa!” Hesitant, he inched his long fingers back across her stomach. Flattening his palm low on her belly, he said, “That was the baby moving?” He sounded excited, as if he’d never felt a baby stir inside a woman before.
Surely he had.
“Yes,” Jayla replied, thrilled to feel her baby move at last. The definite signs of life left her breathless. “There. Feel it? She moved again. It’s a little early to feel life.” She smiled as tears of joy burned her eyes. “But she’s alive. She’s letting me know she’s still alive. Can you feel her?”