“Where does Austin live?”
“Still on the family ranch in Texas. He’s always been there.”
“I’ve saved up a shit load of holiday time. Actually, I have to take it by April. Use it or lose it.”
“What are you saying, Meg?”
“I’m saying let’s go and meet Joel’s estranged brother, explore his home town, and see where he grew up. I know you will never get closure, Mimi, not without the facts. But maybe, just maybe, learning more about your husband will give you a little peace.”
“And you would come with me?”
“Yes. I thought I just made that clear,” Meg said with a smile.
Mimi sat back in her chair. She took a deep breath. For the first time in what seemed like forever, she smiled.
“Let’s go.”
“Brilliant! I really do think this is going to give you everything you need.”
“Everything I need would be having Joel back.”
“I know, darling. I know.”
“Thank you for suggesting this. It means so much to me.”
“Don’t thank me yet. I’m a terrible traveller. Air travel makes me quite sick.”
“I remember when we went to New York.” Mimi giggled. Meg had spent almost the entire plane journey with her head on her lap tray, complaining and sobbing that she felt sick.
“We will need to book flights soon. And you’ll need to contact Becky to let her know you are going away.”
Becky was Mimi’s boss. Throughout her entire bereavement, she had been extremely supportive and told her to take as much time as she needed away from the office. She would hire a temp if necessary.
“I’ll call her when we get back. Seriously, that won’t be a problem.”
“Where will we stay?”
“We will have to get a hotel.”
“Austin has a ranch. Can’t we stay with him?”
Mimi raised her eyebrows and shook her head.
“No and no. His message basically said he was Joel’s brother and he was sorry for my loss. It certainly wasn’t an invitation.”
“But he made contact.” Meg pointed her butter knife at Mimi as she smeared her scone with a thick spread of cream.
“It was the right thing to do.”
“Wait…are you not going to tell him that you are going?”
“I don’t know.” Mimi paused for a second. “Maybe.”
Meg crossed her arms in front of her and huffed.
“What?” Mimi cried.
“I don’t understand you. My whole idea is for you to get to know more about Joel and already you’re blocking things.”
“I am not. This is a huge deal, you know. Flying all the way to Texas to find out more about my husband’s life is something I thought he and I would one day do together, but I can’t because he’s just not here anymore.” Mimi’s words caught in her throat. She hated putting the words “dead” and “Joel” in the same sentence because it affirmed this terrible reality truly existed.
As they left the tea room, a flurry of snow fell like fragile flower petals. Mimi held out her palm and felt the snow land on her hand and turn to water. She thought of Joel. Another wave of sadness came as she realised they had never experienced snow together and they never would.
They bundled into Meg’s Mini Cooper. The sound of the engine roared to life as she turned the key. Meg quickly turned the heat up to full, letting the air flow through and clear the windscreen before they drove away.
Mimi and Joel had not yet lived as husband and wife. They hadn’t even decided where home was, and she felt so robbed of all those special moments. They would never view houses together; they would never go on another holiday; never buy a dog like they always said they would; never have a baby.
In the last couple of weeks in the wake of Joel’s death, Mimi had bought a pregnancy test, praying it would be positive so she would have a part of him left with her on Earth. It was negative and her period had showed up the very next morning—a stark reminder there was nothing of him left except photos, images frozen in time, and a couple of his hoodies, which she wrapped herself in every night. She would hold his sweatshirt close to her face and inhale, desperate to smell him.
There had been a time when Mimi and Larna were just young teenagers. They would explain what their ideal man looked like. Larna had chosen Nick Carter from the Backstreet boys, whilst Mimi had said that GI Joe was her ideal man. Larna had disapproved, saying she couldn’t pick him as he wasn’t real. Mimi told her sister he was out there, waiting for her. GI Joe was the image, but the man she was going to marry hadn’t found her yet. Larna remembered this conversation and whispered to her sister as she dressed in her wedding gown, “So, I guess you got your GI Joe.”
The traffic was heavy. Cars built up one after another. Meg was tapping her steering wheel in frustration.
“This A41 does my head in. One thing I’ll say about Americans is they are prepared for bad weather and they deal with it. We English get a few bloody drops of snow and traffic is gridlocked.”
Mimi was staring out the window, lost in her own thoughts.
“Where do you think he is now?”
“Joel?”
“Yes, Joel.”
“I don’t know, honey. I’d like to say in heaven. You believe in all those things, don’t you?”
“I used to,” Mimi said.
“You don’t anymore?”
“How can I? If there actually is a God, then why did He take away somebody so special and so young?”
“I wish I knew, I really do. Joel will be at peace, Mimi. I know you don’t believe that, but he will be and he will want you to be at peace as well.”
“You know we got crazy drunk in LA. We danced to this very song.” The sound drifted out of the speakers. The volume was low.
“What? Beautiful Dangerous?”
“Yeah. Seriously, my husband, who never ever danced, got on his feet and he moved…like really moved. It was pretty damn sexy.”
“I’m sure. Joel was a sexy guy.”
“Hey, that’s my husband you’re talking about.” Mimi playfully punched her friend on the arm. Then that familiar stomach flip grabbed hold of her—he was her husband. He was sexy, but he was no longer.
That was the horrible reality of grief. Just when you felt a little better, you caught yourself in a memory of happiness, but then you always remember the person is gone. The stomach drops, followed by spinning sensations, attack you like a snake pouring venom through your entire body.
Losing Joel was something she knew she would never recover from. There was no escaping these feelings inside her. She wanted to go to Texas and she was so glad Meg suggested it, but she knew changing the scenery would never change the situation. Yet being where he had grown up, walking the same paths he would have, driving down the roads he learned to drive down would somehow make her feel more connected to him than she did in the eternal winter of England. She had never been to Texas. She liked the idea of exploring somewhere totally new to her.
After battling the traffic back to North London, Meg came back to Mimi’s flat with her. She walked in the door, picked up the clothes on the floor, and threw them in the washing machine. Then she put the cups in hot soapy water and ran a vacuum around. She spied a man’s sweater next to Mimi’s pillow. She knew it must have belonged to Joel, so she respectfully folded it and placed it under the covers.
By this time, the snow had turned to icy rain. As soon as it hit the pavement, it dispersed. Mimi stood by her bedroom window, watching the world go by—people returning home after being at work all day; an elderly couple arm in arm walking a small dog. She wondered about others. What was going on in their lives? When she saw people smile, it looked like a foreign gesture to her.
“Right. I think I’m done. All you need to do is take your clothes out when the cycle finishes and hang them up. Don’t let them sit in there or they’ll smell. Do you want me to stay with you tonight?” Meg placed her hand on Mimi�
��s neck, stroking her gently.
“I would like that.”
“Fab. Okay…well, you need to set me up with a night shirt and some clean undies for the morning.”
“No problem.”
Mimi averted her eyes away from the window and looked at her friend. Just hours ago, she wanted her gone, but here, in this moment, she had never needed her more. She was grateful that Meg was here supporting her through all of this.
Meg was always somewhat headstrong and rarely showed emotion. Mimi often teased her and said she had as much heart as a stone. It wasn’t that Meg was unkind or even uncaring. She just dealt with things head on, and she never liked to dwell.
In many ways, she was much like Joel, who never liked to dwell on anything. If something bad happened, he would chalk it up to experience, learn from it, and move on. Mimi was a dweller, always full of emotion and reflection. She kept keepsakes that were years old: cinema tickets, old cassette tapes that could no longer be played, tons of pictures and scrapbooks. She held onto things because maybe, somewhere deep down, she knew how quickly things could be taken away.
After the girls settled in for the evening, Meg took to the kitchen to make chicken stir-fry. She chopped vegetables and seasoned the chicken with some mild spices. The kitchen and the lounge were one big room. She set the smoke alarm off more than once. When she had finished, she set the two plates down on the rounded kitchen table. There were shrivelled up dead roses that looked like they had been sitting there for weeks.
“Just try and get through half of this,” Meg said, handing Mimi a fork.
“It smells good.”
“It is good. I made it!”
Mimi poked the fork into a small chunk of chicken. Flavour exploded in her mouth on the first bite. Suddenly she was salivating, eager for more. She began shovelling food into her mouth like a ravenous dog. Meg smiled and tucked into her own food.
“So, after we finish up here, we can go online and look at some flights and places to stay. Do you have an actual address for the ranch?”
“Yes. I have it from when we sent out our wedding invitations.”
“You really do need to reply to Austin and tell him that you are coming over. Personally, I wouldn’t be happy if somebody just showed up on my doorstep.”
“I guess I can contact him and tell him.”
Mimi put her face in her hands, rubbing her temples. Every part of her still ached, but the food had given her a little more strength. She was suddenly thinking clearly, able to make a plan of action.
She sipped a cup of juice and went to get her laptop. She Googled “flights to Texas.” American Airlines was the first hit. She searched for two adult tickets flying out to Dallas/ Fort Worth, Texas.
“Departs London Heathrow at 10:45 a.m. Gets into Dallas at 2:45 p.m. What do you think?”
“That’s fine by me. May as well book it,” Meg said.
“But don’t you need to check with work first?”
“Look here, it says refundable. If there is a problem, which I don’t think there will be, then we can change them. Mimi, I think if we book this now, you actually might sleep tonight and you might even have a little something to look forward to. I want to be there for you and this is a journey I feel like I need to travel with you. I know it won’t bring Joel back, but if you can gather more pieces of him by looking into his history, then I truly think it will give you enough peace to move forward.”
Chapter 5
Heathrow
London, 2011
Mimi and Meg arrived at Terminal 3 at seven in the morning. It was still dark. They had taken a taxi, and the chill of the winter wind made them shiver as they walked into the entrance of the airport. It was surprisingly busy, with people flocking around from all different directions. After the girls checked in, they moved into the departure lounge.
“Well, we made it this far. How are you feeling?” Meg said.
“I’d be lying if I told you I was okay. The last time I was on a plane was with Joel. Even here, I can’t escape the memories. I feel haunted!”
“Hopefully this is the start of your journey to heal.” Meg shook her hair out of her ponytail and let her shaggy blonde strands free.
Mimi’s gaze went to the floor. It felt like she was living somebody else’s life. None of this belonged to her.
“If I forget to tell you later, thank you, Meg. Thank you for being such a good friend to me.”
Meg reached out her arms and hugged Mimi. She had that warm, reassuring scent of familiarity, and as usual she smelt delicious and clean.
“I’m so sorry for all you have had to go through. If I could wave a magic wand and bring him back for you, I really would.”
“I know. I know you would.”
Mimi remembered the first time Joel had told her he’d loved her. They had gone out on a summer evening to have drinks at a bar by St Catherine’s Dock. It was one of those perfect nights where you could see all the stars in the sky and there was still a warm airy breeze at midnight. They had met with Meg and her then boyfriend, Darrell. After they left them mid-disagreement, they walked through a darkened alleyway. Mimi clutched Joel’s arm tightly, her eyes wide as she looked out for danger.
“What’s the matter with you?” He laughed.
“Dark alleys freak me out. You never know who could be lurking around here. Crazy druggies, murderers. Oh, it just gives me the chills thinking about it. I feel so nervous. Let’s walk faster.”
She had grabbed Joel and pulled him forward, quickening her pace.
He stopped and pulled back.
“C’mon, Joel. Seriously, I don’t like it. Let’s get out of here.”
“Do you really think I would let anything happen to the girl I’m in love with?”
Mimi had stopped. Suddenly she was frozen to the spot, her heart thudding so loudly she thought her ears would explode.
“You…you’re in love with me?”
“Madly.” She had felt her stomach somersault. She looked at him and felt a wave of delight.
“I love you,” she whispered as he took her in his arms.
“I know,” he playfully said. She laughed at him as he took her in his arms and shared a long, open-mouthed kiss.
A passenger announcement brought her back to her present reality. It was calling for them to board. Mimi and Meg grabbed their hand luggage and headed to the gate.
Mimi didn’t seem to notice things going on around her. She moved around like a ghost, almost as if she were on autopilot. The only times she felt in any sort of moment was when she was talking about Joel or thinking about him.
Mimi looked at Meg’s feet. She noticed for the first time since they had left that morning that she was wearing sky high heeled boots. Mimi had opted for comfort by wearing trainers. She knew Meg would be her usual glamourous self, touting around her Louis Vuitton handbag and her Tom Ford sunglasses even though there was not a smidge of sunlight in the sky.
Mimi was seated by the window. She liked having the view of the outside. After a slight delay, the plane lifted off the ground. She was leaving England behind and breathed a sigh of relief. There had been so much disaster—one dark grey day spilling into another. She needed to be in a new place, closer to Joel’s past. She looked out at the white wings of the plane slicing through the fluffy white clouds.
Where are you, baby?
That was a question she had asked herself over and over again.
At night she had talked to Joel out loud, as if he were sitting right beside her. She had begged him to give her a sign, to tell her he was safe…wherever it is he was.
She imagined what it would be like to die. Did you automatically know you were dead? Did you see that bright tunnel of light and walk into it? Surely, you wouldn’t just leave your loved ones behind without letting them know you were at peace?
Mimi had been raised Catholic. She had attended church with her family every Sunday. She’d been christened, had her first Holy Communion and her confirmat
ion. When she entered her teen years, she stopped going to Mass, not because she didn’t believe, but because she felt there had been a fork in the road where she needed to find herself and religion wasn’t a part of that journey. In the deep dark depths of her grief, she wondered if this was God’s way of punishing her for all the times she felt it wasn’t prayer she needed.
And the irony in all of this was Joel had been killed because of a war regarding religion. She just didn’t know why there was so much hatred in the world.
Where had it all come from?
Had people been fighting for so long they had forgotten what they were fighting for?
Mimi never thought she could hate anybody. Of course, she had disliked many people whom she had met in her twenty-eight years on the planet, but hate was never something she had truly felt until now. The person who had so cruelly taken her husband’s life away from him, robbed them of a life together—because of that person, whoever they were, she would never ever be held by Joel again.
Did they die with him?
Did Joel’s soul go one way and his killer’s another?
If there was truly a God, she hoped that was exactly what happened.
She needed to believe there was an afterlife. She needed to know her husband was at peace, and almost as much as that, she needed him to somehow let her know by any sort of a sign that he was all right. Mimi had wondered if that song on the radio was from him.
Joel believed in God. Like Mimi, he didn’t follow a religion, not since his father had died.
She sank into her seat and let the plane take her the few thousand miles across the Atlantic Ocean. She surrendered in that moment that this journey would turn out exactly as it needed to be. She knew she had lost control of so many things. She needed to let destiny take its course.
Mimi closed her eyes, and a few moments later, she was sleeping. Sleep allowed her to hear the sweet sound of Joel’s voice, if only in her dreams.
Chapter 6
Texas, 2011
Till Death Us Do Part Page 4