“You really think so?”
“I do.”
I wondered if Corvus’ forgiveness would ever extend to Corin and didn’t bother voicing the question as I knew it never would. Corin would never be safe from him once Corvus discovered the truth. At first I had wondered why he hadn’t just taken the information from me, he could have seen into my mind quite easily but I knew he wanted me to give him the name willingly, it was his proof that I valued him above anything else and I did, above everything but the child, and if there was no Corin ...
“You realise that it will happen soon?”
I felt my heart beat pick up. “What?”
“Well, you’ve been given that vision now for a reason and the child looked to be eight or nine months, and it was spring time so ...”
I did some mental arithmetic and suddenly it was very hard to breath. “Oh.”
“You’ll have to tell him.”
“What?” I said in alarm.
She gave me a pitying look and squeezed my shoulders. “Corin is not so irresponsible as to go around getting girls pregnant. He’s a Prince, there are his heirs to think of, he can’t have bastard children popping up all over the place. Fae men have control over such things you see, if you want him to give you a child ...you’ll have to ask him.”
“Oh my God.” I thought about the look I’d see on his face when I asked him and felt sick. He’d be unbearably smug, I couldn’t even begin to imagine how that conversation would start. I was very certain how it would end though.
“There is no need to look so afraid, Jéhenne. I don’t think you’ll find being with Corin in any way ...difficult.”
I thought back to what I had felt when he had touched me, the way my skin felt like it was alive with magic and power, and knew she was right but somehow that made it worse. If I had to do this I wanted to feel like I was making a great sacrifice, because I was, I was sacrificing my future with Corvus and I didn’t want to get any pleasure out of doing that, it was just wrong.
“I know he’s a tricky character but he’s a good man at heart, a kind one. He’ll be a good father.”
I looked up at Heloïse and nodded. The way he had been with the little fae girl had illustrated that fact clearly enough.
Outside the sun was going down and the sky was stained a deep magenta. I needed to speak to Corvus, to try and get him to understand, though I knew he never would, and how could I blame him?
“I have to go.” I got to my feet and began to pull my coat on. “You can’t tell anyone about this, Heloïse.”
“You have my word, I’ll tell no one. It will be my first test of loyalty to you.” She smiled. “I want to prove you can trust me.”
“Thank you.”
She got up and pulled me into an embrace. “Everything will be alright, I know it will.”
We both knew it wasn’t true but it was comforting to hear her say it just the same.
“I really didn’t have anything to do with that potion either,” she added. “Which means that either someone had the ability to make their magic look like ours or ...” She hesitated.
“Or?”
She opened the door for me and we stepped out into the chill of the night. She looked up at the sky which was studded with bright stars, clear and cold now the clouds had left. “Or,” she continued, and I was alarmed to see worry in her eyes. “Or there is another Dame Blanche in the area and, if that is the case, we must all be on our guard.”
Chapter 16
I sat in the car outside the cottage in the dark. I had driven home with my thoughts in a tangle. On the one hand it would appear what I needed to do was pretty straightforward, if you looked at it unemotionally. Unemotional seemed to be eluding me though. I tried to think about it coldly, logically. If I got pregnant now, the child would be born in the autumn, I would have fulfilled the prophecy, as that’s what it appeared to be, and I could begin my mission to make Corvus forgive me. After all, I would have an eternity to do just that, if I chose an immortal life when the choice arose when I was twenty one. Except what if he never forgave me? Could I live forever without him? Maybe I would make a different choice after all, to live as a human ...and then what of my son? He would be part fae; he would share Corin’s powers, including his long life span.
Wouldn’t I want to live for him?
Apart from all of this, I was nineteen. I didn’t want to have a baby yet, it was madness, and then there was the little question of the key. I had to go into the underworld and return the key to Hekatê. I couldn’t go without Corvus because of the bond, a bond Corvus had assured me there was no way of breaking. We were tied together for eternity now and the likelihood of him wanting to still help me if I was carrying Corin’s child ... I didn’t need to think too hard about that one.
I felt the heat of fury building inside of me and let go of the steering wheel which I had been clutching with white knuckles, as my hands exploded into flames. I got out of the car, drawing in lungfuls of cold air and holding onto my anger. At least it was better than crying. Why did this happen to me, why was it that every time I got close to being happy everything went to hell?
“What do you want from me?” I yelled into the darkness, and felt my blood freeze in my veins as a deep, masculine laugh echoed through my mind. I had almost forgotten about him, about the man who spoke to me in my dreams, who said I belonged to him and that he was coming for me.
I was remembering fast.
I ran into the barn, away from the sound and blasted one of the stones that Corin had left with magic. It glowed, white hot, illuminating the darkness and giving off heat and I stepped closer to it, though nothing could warm the chill I was feeling. I wanted Corvus with a longing that constricted my chest and made it hard to breathe; I had to speak to him, to make him understand.
I sank down beside the heat of the rock, senses on alert for any sign of the man, the voice that terrified me more than anything else I was currently facing. I had to evade him at all costs. I didn’t know who he was or why I was so afraid but every instinct told me to run from him.
My breathing steadied as I sat in the soft glow of the stone; he wasn’t here, it had just been a reminder. A warning that whatever problems I was facing were trivial compared to him, he was the end of everything ...and sooner or later he’d catch up with me.
A deep shiver ran over me, like someone had stepped on my grave. What was it about me that made me such a magnet for trouble? Was it my life as Jéhnina, had I done something so terrible that retribution had followed me into my next lifetime? I was so sick of stumbling around in the dark. Just for once I wished I knew what the hell was going on.
I concentrated on Corvus, and was surprised at how easily I found the connection with him. I guessed it must be a result of the bond. I was looking through his eyes which were focused on his hands. They were turning a bracelet around and around. It was the ouroboros, the bracelet he had given me when we had first been together, when I was Jéhnina and he was still human. I could feel a longing for me which was only matched by my own for him. His hands stilled as he felt my presence.
“Hello, Jéhenne.”
“Corvus,” I whispered his name, afraid that he would begin to shout at me again.
He didn’t speak though, just sat silently and I began to feel that maybe shouting would be better.
I didn't know what to say to him, how to begin. “We ... We need to talk.”
“Do we? What is it we need to speak of?”
I felt sick. He didn’t sound angry. He just sounded tired, tired of me.
“Us,” I said, cautiously.
There was a flash of anger that seared my skin before his temper was reigned in. “There is no us, Jéhenne. It has taken me nearly two thousand years to get that fact straight in my mind but finally you have brought it home to me.”
“No, don’t say that, please, Corvus. You know it isn’t true.” I felt fear like acid, swirling in my stomach, taste it in my mouth. I couldn’t lose Corvus.
I gasped as the connection was broken and suddenly he was standing in front of me in the dim light of the firestone. I looked up at him and knew my life would never be the same without him in it. I scrambled to my feet and flung my arms around him, holding on with everything I had.
“I love you, Corvus, only you. I want no one else, I will never love another. You know I’m telling the truth!”
His arms went around me, pulling me close, and I clung to him, desperate that I should make him understand. “I know you speak the truth, my heart, and you know I will always love you but I have made my last sacrifice at your altar. No more, Jéhenne.”
I looked up into his eyes, so blue and so very, very old and I knew that he had made his mind up. Nothing I could say would change that, unless I was prepared to sacrifice the child ...and I couldn’t do that.
His hand went to my face, caressing my cheek. “You warned me to stay away from you. When I first saw you, you told me I didn’t understand what I was doing and that if I did I would run as far and as fast from you as I could get. I never believed you, Jéhenne. Even when you told me you never wanted to see me again and I thought my heart would break from wanting you, I never regretted it; never regretted meeting you ...loving you. Not until now. Now I wish I had listened, that I had never met you. I had built a life for myself, not a happy one perhaps but I was satisfied enough and now ... And now you have brought everything crashing down on my head once again, my world is filled with pain and regret and all I wish for is the ability to forget you.”
I could barely breathe, the tears streaming down my face as I shook my head. I wouldn’t believe him, he hadn’t said that. “No, Corvus, please, please ...”
“Then give up the child!” he shouted, and I screamed, falling to my knees as his anger burned my skin with white hot rage.
I curled at his feet trembling with fear and misery. “I can’t, I can’t ... Corvus, please understand. It’s not a choice ... There is no choice. The child must live ... He has to live or everything I have fought for since the very beginning will be lost. I can’t explain any more than that because I don’t understand it myself!” I practically screamed the last, clinging to his legs, begging him to understand, and I felt his hand on my head, stroking my hair and I wept that he could be so gentle when I knew how the anger burned in his soul.
“I do understand, Jéhenne. I can feel the way you long for your child and I understand that longing better than you can possibly imagine.” There was such pain in his voice that I looked up. “You don’t remember do you?”
“Remember what?”
He shook his head and looked away.
“Remember what? Corvus, please ...tell me.” I watched him, his profile silhouetted against the black sky, visible through the open doors of the barn. Stars glittered brightly in the darkness as his eyes glittered with emotion.
He was silent for a long time and I began to think he would never answer me. “The day I left you alone, Jéhenne, the day I left you unprotected ... That morning, you told me you were carrying my child. You were pregnant when they killed you, Jéhenne, and I lost everything I loved to the fire.”
I felt my breath catch in my throat. “No.” I shook my head. “I didn’t know ... I didn’t know.”
He nodded. “It’s not your fault, I should have protected you. I should have been there when they came for you but I wasn’t. You should have lived and had my children and now ...” His voice caught and he stopped.
I got unsteadily to my feet and laid my head against him, used now to the silence, the lack of a heartbeat stirring his chest. “It wouldn’t have changed anything, Corvus, they would have just killed us both.”
“Perhaps, perhaps not. We will never know.” His arms went around me and I closed my eyes. This was where I needed to be, where I belonged.
Safe.
The word whispered through my mind and even though I knew it wasn’t true, it was how he always made me feel. But in truth there was nowhere safe for me, and there never would be.
He put his hand under my chin, tilting it so I had to look at him and I flinched as his eyes blazed with anger and hurt. “I cannot watch you bear another's child, I won't be a fool for you anymore. You should never have let me love you, Jéhenne; you should have made me leave. We have caused each other nothing but unhappiness.”
“Don’t say that. It isn’t true. It isn’t true!” I put my hands around his face, pulling his mouth down to mine and he kissed me. I felt my senses leap and my heart swell with longing, and I knew he felt it too. I was crushed in his embrace, the weight of love and desire and regret enough to smother us both and then suddenly I was embracing a cold, empty space ...and he was gone.
I sank to my knees, stunned that he could really do it. After all this time, I had finally found a way to push him away for good. I curled up on the floor, unaware of the cold creeping through the open doors, of the dying light of the firestone at my back.
Corvus was gone, and I would never be whole again.
I didn’t know how long I lay there in the dark but dimly I became aware of the wolves, their solid presence pressing against me, fighting to keep the chill from my bones, and I accepted their comfort and their warmth just as I let my heart accept the fact that nothing, nothing, would ever be the same again.
Chapter 17
I woke to hear someone saying my name and I opened my eyes hopefully, but instead of the blue eyes I longed to see they were a deep gold and filled with concern.
"Jéhenne, you're frozen."
I didn't move. I was too numb with grief to feel anything. The wolves must have left me at dawn but I didn't really care, I could freeze to death for all it mattered. I felt Corin's hands clasp mine and warmth flooded me as he sent his magic to chase away the cold. I shook my head, I didn't want to feel anything, but with the warmth the numbness left me, and the sorrow came back with a vengeance.
"What has happened to you, dear one. Won't you tell me?"
I looked up at him and wondered if Corvus had been right, should we have never met? Maybe I should have been with Corin all along. Was that what the visions were telling me?
"He’s gone," I murmured.
He lifted me into his arms and held me against him. He was so very warm. "Who is gone, do you speak of your vampire?"
I nodded, too miserable to speak and he stroked my face with his fingers tenderly. "I'm so sorry, Jéhenne."
I snorted. "Yeah, sure you are, Corin, your heart just bleeds. Isn't this exactly what you hoped for, it suits you down to the ground doesn't it?"
"You really don't hold me in very high regard do you, Jéhenne?" I looked up and was surprised to see how hurt he looked; I didn't think anything could get past his ego. "If you think it gives me any kind of satisfaction to see you in such pain then you must think me a monster indeed."
"I think you'd use any situation to your advantage," I said bitterly, knowing my own misery was making me cruel but I couldn't stop the words from leaving my mouth.
He looked around as we heard someone approach the barn. "Well your brother is here now, so it appears you need not suffer my presence any longer." He set me carefully down and got to his feet, pausing as he looked back at me. "I know you don't believe this but I do care about you. I would help you if I could but I have no wish to make you unhappy. You need not worry; I won't come again if you don't want me to."
He went to walk away from me and I felt panicked at the idea I wouldn't see him again. I needed him if I wanted that child but ... Not only that, he was my friend, even if I didn't trust him an inch. I did like him. I didn't want to lose him too.
"Wait!" I got to my feet and brushed my hair from my face. I could only imagine what I looked like. He watched me cautiously as I walked towards him and the surprise in his eyes as I put my arms around him almost made me smile. "I'm sorry," I whispered as I hugged him and I felt his body relax against mine and he held me in return.
"It's of no matter." He kissed my forehead and let me go. "Shall
I leave you with Cain?"
I looked around to see my brother standing in the open door of the barn, watching us curiously and I nodded.
"You'll call me if you want me?" he asked.
"Yes."
He squeezed my hand gently. "Take care of yourself, Jéhenne."
I watched as he walked away, nodding to Cain as he passed. Cain walked over to me, frowning as he took in my dishevelled state and realised I'd been here all night.
"Jéhenne, what's going on?"
I shrugged helplessly and let him lead me into the cottage. It appeared Inés hadn't been in last night again or she had left early, as the fire was out and the cottage was chilly. Cain got the fire started and sat me down in a chair beside it, even tucking a blanket around me to keep me warm. I was surprised by his concern, it wasn’t what I had come to expect from Cain.
I watched him as he moved around the kitchen. He wasn’t an especially tall man but sometimes height isn’t what gives someone presence. Whatever it was, Cain had it. The room felt a lot smaller when he was in it. He exuded contained power, like a Tiger pacing behind the bars of a cage, but more than that; there was an air of menace about him, the unspoken threat of violence. Corvus had said he was a paid assassin and a mercenary and under no circumstances was I to trust him. Ironically he was also known to be a man of honour, in so much as he always kept his word. I guess if he said he’d kill you, you knew he would. Good to know. I wondered if I could really trust him anymore than I could Inés. I remembered what Heloïse had said, that sometimes you had to take the chance because otherwise life was just too lonely.
He made coffee. It was very strong and too sweet but I sipped at it anyway, clasping my fingers around the mug tightly to stop my hands shaking. He came and settled himself in the battered armchair opposite me and drank his own coffee, silently, watching me over the top of the mug with those empty green eyes of his. I wondered what things he had done, what he'd seen, to get such soulless eyes. I suspected I was better off not knowing.
The Heart of Arima. Page 13