Five Years Later
I watched his eyes. I knew was coming before it happened. Don't say it, don't say it.
“It's not you, it's me.” Whoop there it was. He fucking said it. It was like he was compelled to. Just like the seven other guys I dated in the past three years. Why was there always something wrong with them? I was starting to believe that they were wrong and it was me.
I put a hand over my forehead and tried to ignore the embarrassments of the prying eyes at tables near us. My dark ringlets fell over my face and covered my reddening cheeks. This was another restaurant I would have to cross off the list. Thank God New York had thousands of them, because I'd been broken up with in at least a dozen by now. I looked at the napkin.
Loose Joe’s.
Sorry Joe, no matter how loose you are, we’re never seeing each other again. Which sucked because this cheesesteak reminded me of home.
And then he felt he needed to explain himself. Which just made things worse.
“I mean I guess I'm just not ready for how serious you are. I need a little bit more fun in my life.”
So I wasn't fun?
I sighed. “Not that this isn’t great information and everything but I think it's time for the check.”
Minutes later I was busting out the doors of that restaurant. I tried to seem inconspicuous as I was leaving but on my way out I had run directly into a waiter and had spilled water all over myself and the floor. Today was not my day.
As I attempted to hail a taxi my phone started ringing. I looked down, it was my older sister Audra. I wanted to press ignore but it was the third time she called me today so I knew that I needed to answer or she would just keep calling.
“What the hell have you been doing all day? Besides ignoring my calls?”
“Hi Audra. How are you? Wonderful? Great because I'm just peachy.” The sarcasm dripped off my words.
A taxi pulled up in front of me and I got in. “642 56th Street please.”
“Are you in a cab?”
“Yes. What does it matter?”
“Oh shit, were you on another breakup luncheon? I swear last time this happened I told you the next guy that asks you out to lunch, refuse.”
I guess it was becoming a bit of a pattern. “And what? I’m just supposed to drag out a relationship with some guy who doesn't like me?”
“Piper, I hate to tell you this but I don't think there are any guys who like you in New York anymore. So, if you can snag one that has a good job and a 401(k) you should just let it drag out as long as possible. Hopefully all the way down the aisle.”
“You sound like Mom.”
“Well you've got to start listening to someone. I swear to God I'm going to be dead before you finally meet a man.”
“You're so lovely at this time of day. Or actually any time of day.” More sarcasm, I was on a roll.
“Speaking of death, we need to talk about Uncle Jeff's funeral.”
This is why I had been avoiding her calls all day. There was no way in hell I was going back to Bradberry for some ridiculous family reunion and the sad funeral of my Uncle Jeff. Who I hadn't seen in at least a decade.
“I'm not talking about Uncle Jeff's funeral. I already told you I have to work.”
“Well that's hilarious because I called Ian and he told me that he could clear your schedule for all of next week. I expect you to be here tomorrow.”
Ian, that Queen. He was on my shit list now.
“I can't just pick up and be there tomorrow. That’s not how it works here, I have clients and appointments…”
She interrupted me, “Ian has cleared all of that for you. By the way he says he is very sorry for your loss.”
I sighed. “You're not giving up, are you?”
“You missed Christmas. Mom and Dad are pissed as hell at you and no one wants to talk about you because they think you're sad and lonely. Now I know that you are sad and lonely but I still want to see my baby sister, so come home. Pack a bag and get in the car tomorrow. Is that clear?”
I hated the way she bossed me around but she was right. I hadn't gone home for Christmas because a friend surprised me with tickets to the Rockettes on Christmas Eve. I had never been even though I'd lived in New York for five years. It was an opportunity I didn’t want to pass up. The story of my life.
“Fine. I'm coming. But don't expect me to be all excited about it. And I want my own room, I'm not paying to stay at some rinky-dink hotel up there for a week. Mom and Dad have plenty of space and they can put me up. Or even better, you can.”
“Nope. We’re already full, you're definitely staying with Mom and Dad. And the best part is Aunt Miriam is staying with them too.”
“Great. So, I can get the judgment from all sides.”
“Always.”
“Well I guess I gotta go pack.” We were nearing my apartment anyway. “Bye.”
“Ta for now!”
Sometimes older sisters make you want to vomit. Not mine, she was an over achiever. My older sister made me want to vomit ninety five percent of the time. She was our parent’s favorite. Had stayed close to home, got married, had kids. She had done everything the right way. But not me. I was the black sheep. The super-successful yet unmarried lawyer. Screams black sheep, doesn’t it?
Two
Piper
The taxi pulled up to my apartment. I paid and jumped out, wishing I could stay there forever. Living in the back of a cab for the rest of my life would beat going home for a week. I knew I was being overdramatic, but I couldn’t help it. My sister had a way of getting under my skin. After just one phone call she had me agreeing to an entire week in Bradberry. I didn’t know how she did it, but I hated her for it.
After I let myself into my apartment, I pulled my dark hair back into a ponytail and grabbed my suitcase from my closet. I sighed deeply and rolled my eyes. I still couldn’t believe I was letting Audra talk me into this. The last thing I wanted was to go back to Bradberry. Even for one week…
My entire life started and ended in that small town. I was always the girl who wanted out. When I went to college just a few miles away, it was with one goal in mind: Get the hell out of Bradberry. College was a means to an end. It was my one chance to start the life I always wanted.
If I was being honest, that’s the reason my parents always liked Audra better. She was the townie. Totally happy to stick around Bradberry forever. She got married at the ripe old age of nineteen and popped out three kids in five years. Me? I had other plans. And those plans definitely did not include Bradberry.
In my last year of college, I was still living at home with my parents. They were secretly hoping I would give up my dream of becoming a big city lawyer and settle for practicing family law right there in my hometown.
“Wouldn’t that be nice?” my mother asked a hundred times. “You could still help people and this way, the people you help would be the very same people you’ve known forever. What could be better than that?”
My response was always the same: “New York City, Mom. New York would be better than that.”
I never even considered staying in Bradberry until I met Logan Alexander.
Logan was in the Navy. Muscular. Brooding. Dark. Mysterious. Exactly the kind of man every twenty-one year girl wants, right? I was no exception. I fell for him. Hard and fast.
I wish I could say I played hard to get. That he wooed me or slowly seduced me, but that’s not how it happened. Logan walked into Kellan’s pub one night and boom, I was a goner. From the second his dark brown eyes locked onto mine I was head over heels for him. The more time we spent together, the more I liked him.
Our sexual chemistry was intense. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. There were nights when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other no matter where we were. We would collide in the backseat of his car or in the bathroom at Kellan’s. Anywhere. Any place. Our bodies reacted to each other like magnets. We were drawn together.
But, more than that, he
understood me. I could talk to him about things my family only made fun of. I told him I wanted to move to New York once I passed the bar exam. I spent hours gushing over all the things I would do if I lived there. He never once told me I was being stupid. He never did anything except support my dreams.
Logan understood because he had dreams of his own. He told me all about how badly he wanted to become a Navy SEAL. He’d been in the Navy since he was eighteen, but his dream was to do something that really mattered and to him, that was the SEALs.
“It’s my purpose, you know?” he told me one night while we were sitting in our booth at Kellan’s. “I don’t know how else to explain it. When I think about the one thing I was put on this Earth to do, it’s that. I have to be a SEAL. I just have to.”
I guess I should have seen it coming, you know? All the signs were there. But at the time all I could see was his ambition. To me, it only made him that much sexier. If I had opened my eyes, I may have been able to prepare myself for it. Maybe I would have seen the signs in time for me to get out. But I didn’t and the night he told me he was leaving was the worst night of my life.
He came to me that night with a huge smile on his face. He was going to be a SEAL. He was finally getting his dream. His wish. And what was I compared to that? Nothing more than a lose end he needed to tie up before shipping out.
I took a deep breath and threw a pair of underwear into my suitcase. The more I thought about that night with Logan, the less I wanted to go home. I even went so far as to pick up my phone, ready to call Audra and tell her to shove it, but I stopped myself.
As much as I hated to admit it, Audra was right. It was time. I couldn’t hide out in New York forever. No matter what Logan did to me back then, I still had family in Bradberry and they needed me. Besides, hadn’t I done okay despite Logan? Hadn’t I recovered from the heartache and made something of myself? Wasn’t I a big city lawyer?
Hell yeah I was.
I imagined walking through downtown Bradberry. It was easy to picture the streets lined with people from my childhood. Mr. Jensen the banker. Alice Townsen, the town gossip. Margie Anderson, the prom queen who married the quarterback of the football team. They would all wave at me somewhat hesitantly. Their smiles would be a little forced because they wouldn’t know what to expect from the new Piper Prewitt. I’d spent so much time away that all they knew about me was from the town gossip. They would corner me and ask questions about my life without really wanting to know the answers. I would give the answers proudly not giving a damn what anyone thought.
I would stop at Angie’s café and order one of her famous scones. I looked everywhere, but I still hadn’t found a bakery in New York that could beat Angie’s. My mind drifted to the high school where my favorite English teacher still taught. I was sure Mrs. Peterson would be happy to see me. She, of all people, would be proud of where my life ended up. I thought about the flower shop my mom and dad owned. It made me smile to picture them sitting behind the counter together. I hadn’t realized it, but I really did miss them.
As I finished packing, I realized it wasn’t Bradberry I was dreading going back to. It was the memories that awaited me there. I didn’t want to become that heart-broken girl I once was. I didn’t want to let everything I went through back then once again define me. I wanted to stay here, in New York, where I was strong and confident.
Where I knew who I was.
Where I was safe.
I squeezed the pair of socks I was holding. My eyes closed and I breathed slowly. Just the thought of being back in that town was hard.
Still, I couldn’t help but remind myself that my life in New York wasn’t perfect. There were things I missed from Bradberry, things I could never get in New York. Like Angie’s scones. And judgmental looks from my Aunt Miriam.
I could already hear her voice, “Met any nice guys in the city? No? Well, of course you haven’t Everyone there is either a drug addict or only interested in whores!”
I smiled to myself at the thought. Thinking of my Aunt Miriam was actually the thing that resigned me to my fate. I was going back to Bradberry. I was going to spend an entire week in the company of my family. I was going to face the snide comments with a smile.
So, what if I was still single? I was kicking ass and no one could take that away from me. Not my family or my hometown and certainly not Logan Alexander.
Three
Logan
The darkness pressed down around me. I forced myself to focus. This mission was too important to fail. There was too much at stake, for me and for my team. I knew I couldn’t let them down. I took a deep breath and remembered my training. The fear disappeared from my body. My breathing relaxed and my heartbeat steadied. I took a confident step forward. I knew what I had to do.
I walked for half a mile before I heard the shot. My heart stopped beating as I whirled around to face the direction it came from. I heard the shot on my left where I knew Young was moving in the same direction as me. No one knew where we were. There shouldn’t be any gunfire. This wasn’t that kind of mission.
It took a fraction of a second, just long enough for me to question breaking my orders, before the second shot echoed around me. Then the third.
My orders were clear: if the mission is compromised, locate your team and return to camp. Without a second thought, I took off running through the darkness. My legs moved smoothly beneath me. I felt like a wild animal bounding through the forest. The only noise I made was the rustle of my pants. I moved faster than I’ve ever moved in my life. Nothing and no one would stop me.
I closed the distance in less than a minute.
My gun was raised.
I saw him immediately, but he hadn’t seen me yet.
I didn’t hesitate.
I fired.
He collapsed.
I spun around, checking for more, but everything seemed calm. My eyes were peeled as I moved slowly, trying to find Young. My instinct was to call out to him, but my training forced me to hold my tongue. Whatever happened, I couldn’t risk giving away my location.
Every noise I heard made my body tense. I felt like there were a million eyes on me. I expected to be shot each time my feet shifted, but there was no other person in sight. I hadn’t heard gunshots in almost five minutes. I knew the rest of the team would be converging on me soon. I was the closest to Young’s path, but McCullers and Hansen weren’t far either. They would be here any second and I still hadn’t located Young.
“If the mission is compromised, locate your team and return to camp.”
Our orders were clear. I had to locate Young before McCullers and Hansen arrived so we could all get the hell out of dodge. We had to leave together, as a team.
My eyes scanned the ground around me, searching for any sign of Young. I looked for blood or scattered gear. Anything that may lead me to his location, but there was nothing. Nothing at all.
I was frustrated as I continued my search. I needed to find him fast. I’d already been here, exposed, for far too long. Where were McCullers and Hansen? Why weren’t they there yet? Had they been hit, too?
As soon as their names entered my mind, they appeared beside me. I breathed a sigh of relief and moved closer to them. We spoke in hushed whispers, our eyes constantly looking around.
“Found anything?” McCullers asked.
“Killed one. Still looking for Young.”
“Split up?” Hansen suggested.
“No,” McCullers shook his head hard. “Stick together. Let’s find him. We’re dark and I don’t like not having coms on.”
We moved deeper into the woods, our guns raised and our eyes darting. I strained my ears for any sounds that may help us find Young, but there was nothing. Everything was silent except for our soft footsteps as we inched through the woods.
Finally, we heard a scuffle a few yards to our right. I raised my gun higher and crept forward with McCullers and Hansen on either side of me. I was sure the noise meant Young was close by, but we had t
o move slowly. We had to be careful in case it wasn’t him.
The closer we got, the quieter everything became. We couldn’t hear the scuffling anymore. We couldn’t hear anything at all.
When I saw the blood at my feet I knew the worst had happened. I raised my eyes and saw him lying with his back against a tree trunk. McCullers sucked in a ragged breath and Hansen turned around aiming, I ran to him. My whole body lurched forward and I threw my gun to the ground. All of my training was forgotten in that one moment. All I could think about was reaching him.
I grabbed him and pulled him against my chest. My fingers searched frantically for a pulse, but it was too late. He was already gone…
…I sat up quickly, my heart racing and sweat pouring down my face. I tried to slow my breathing, but I couldn’t shake the image of Young lying dead against that tree.
It had been four months since our mission failed, but not a day went by where I didn’t think about Young and wish I had done more. After weeks of counseling and conversations with my superiors, I knew there was nothing I could have done. I acted perfectly. I followed every protocol. I did everything I was supposed to.
Still, Young was dead and I couldn’t help but think I should have saved him. If I had moved faster, run harder, listened more intently, maybe he would still be alive.
Four
Logan
I shook my head and tried to clear the images from my mind, but they were burned inside my brain forever. No amount of therapy, sleep, or time would ever erase them. They were mine to hold onto. Forever.
I checked the clock and saw that it was two in the morning. I knew I should try to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes. I didn’t want to see his face again…his bloody body…
Without hesitating, I jumped from my bed and pulled on my sweatshirt. Sleep was no longer an option and I knew the only thing that might help was to move. I hurried down the stairs and out the front door. The second my feet hit the sidewalk I started running.
I let the breeze shake me awake and the cool air clear my senses. I took a few deep breaths and closed my eyes while my feet beat a path beneath me. It wasn’t long before my body went into autopilot and I was able to run without any thought. The peaceful nothingness was more inviting than anything had been for a long time.
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