Dax comes up behind me, securing his arms around my waist. Resting his stubbled cheek against my back sends shivers across my skin. “But what?” he repeats, a slight hint of demand in his hushed voice.
Spinning around, I untangle myself from his arms. Shaking my head, I rub a hand over my beard. “Nothing. Just drop it. I’m gonna grab a quick shower while you’re out.” Rubbing over my beard once more, I try my best to tame it. “Gotta shave this thing. It’s driving me crazy,” I say, walking away from Dax toward the bathroom.
He grabs my arm, pulling me back into his arms. His soft lips press up against mine. “One,” he counts off, “do not shave this,” he demands, smoothing his hand over my jaw. “Clean it up, sure, but don’t get rid of it.” His eyes hold mine, a sexy glint dancing with the sunlight.
“And two?”
“Two,” his lips move against mine as he speaks, “tell me what you were going to say.”
Resigning myself to what seems to be a question he won’t let go of, I say the words that I wanted to say just a minute ago. “You were asking about Violet and if she knows about us. Is there an us for her to know about? Because if there is, then yes, she can know. But if there isn’t,” I stop, not wanting to really think about not having Dax around. Even in the short period of time I’ve known him, I’d be lying if I said he hasn’t become important to me. “If there isn’t, then I don’t want to disrupt her life any more than it already has been. Between Nikki being taken away, living with social services for a few days, and then coming here–”
Dax cuts me off midsentence, kissing the words out of me. “There is,” he says between kisses. “There is definitely something between us. I’m scared out of my fucking mind to see where it goes. When I came out here, I needed time to find myself, figure out who the hell I’m supposed to be, and already, I feel like you’re a part of that puzzle.”
The nervousness of just minutes ago washes away, replaced with a calm I didn’t realize was possible. Still wrapped in each other’s arms, in the middle of a sinfully hot kiss, sealing the words we’ve just spoken, Violet races into the room. “Tonka just peed all over the place!” she announces in a hurried rush before racing back out of the room.
Surprisingly, she seems not to have noticed us kissing. Both Dax and I laugh, relaxing against each other. “I’ll go clean that up and head out.” He pops one last kiss to my lips before taking care of Tonka’s mess.
The entire time I’m in the shower, I can’t stop smiling, thinking about how right things feel with Dax. The rightness of the whole situation completely defies logic. But at the same time, it’s impossible to deny how I feel about him. Hoping he feels the same as I do, I run my hands over my body, remembering how he touched me just last night. My fingers move over my skin, echoing Dax’s touch. When I close my eyes and duck my head under the water, I can see his eyes, lost in the moment of us coming together, his jaw, clenched in desire. Though he’s not here with me, I hear his muffled groans of need as he buries his face into my neck. When I step out of the shower, despite losing the heat from the water, I still feel the heat of Dax’s body wrapped around mine. There’s no need to hope as a feeling of certainty descends upon me. With the towel secured around my waist, the hope is squashed out of my chest, replaced with a sense of knowing—that Dax has to feel the same way I do.
The phone ringing on my nightstand makes me rush out of the bathroom. When I see the number for the rehab facility light up my screen, my stomach drops. It’s impossible to eliminate my concerns when it comes to Nikki.
“Hello?” I flop down on the bed, the weight of her situation sitting heavily on my shoulders. Somehow, it’s all my fault she’s there in the first place.
“Hey, Beck. It’s me.” Her voice is quiet, timid almost, but it’s hers. Unlike the voice I’ve heard so many times before, it isn’t the drugs talking.
“How are you?”
“I’m good, actually.” I hear a smile in her words. “This place isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.”
“That’s good.” My words come out stilted, unsure of what to ask or say next. Lucky for me, Nikki takes control of the conversation, telling me about her nurses and what she’s been doing since she’s been there.
“Listen, I know it’s short notice, but there are visiting hours tomorrow afternoon. I know we didn’t leave things off that great when I left, but I’d really love to see you,” she pauses, exhaling a deep sigh, “and Violet, too.”
“Of course,” I say quickly and definitively. We finalize the details just as I hear the front door click closed. After hanging up, I walk into the living room just as Dax flips Violet over his shoulder from her piggy back ride.
“That was awesome! Uncle Beck, did you know Dax is a superhero?”
I shoot him a look of disbelief and he laughs. Kneeling down in front of Violet, he presses a finger up against his lips, shushing her playfully. “I told you that was a secret.”
“Ooops,” she squeals before turning to me. “I mean, he’s not. Dax is definitely not a superhero.” She shoots me a serious look before turning back to Dax. “All better. Can we make waffles now?” she asks as she races into the kitchen.
Shaking my head, I can’t believe the ease that’s developed between the two of them. Awed, I watch as he pulls a chair up to the counter. She giggles as he picks her up to stand next to him on the chair. Though she makes a mess of everything, and there’s flour all over the counter in less than two seconds, I can’t help but smile at seeing her so happy, so at ease—simply being a little kid.
“Uncle Beck,” she turns around, waving me over, “aren’t you going to help?”
Dax angles his head to me, calling me to stand on the other side of Violet. When she returns her attention back to the bowl in front of her, she accidentally knocks an egg onto the floor. “Oh, no,” she cries out. “I’m sorry,” her voice cracks as tears build in her eyes. “I didn’t mean to.”
“Hey,” Dax, brushes her hair out of her face. “It’s okay. No big deal at all.” He cleans the mess quickly. “See? We’re good. Now let’s try to get this one in the bowl,” he jokes, holding an egg out to her. Watching his big hand wrap around hers, helping her crack the egg in the bowl, settles the chaos I was feeling earlier about if she should get too attached to him. It’s too late now anyway, I realize as I watch them mix the batter. In just two days, they’ve bonded more than I would have thought possible.
We eat breakfast together, squeezing around the small kitchen table. If Dax is going to be here as often as it seems he will, I may need to upgrade. Mid-meal, he gets so cramped that he lifts Violet up and sits her on his lap, just so he can have some elbow room. When she announces that she’s stuffed, she leaps down from his lap and scurries off to go play.
“Where’d you get the waffle iron?” I ask, leaning back in my chair, stretching out my over-stuffed stomach.
“At the store yesterday.” Standing, he clears the plates. “Violet said her mom always used to make her waffles, but just the frozen kind. She seemed sad about not having her mom around, so I thought I would make her something special. Besides,” he bends down, leaning his face into my neck, whispering into my ear, “I figured at some point you’d let me make you breakfast.” The seduction in his voice isn’t lost on me.
I don’t know what has a greater effect on me—the fact that he did something sweet for Violet, or that he’s at ease and flirting with me. Watching him wash the dishes, I realize it’s all of it, everything about him that makes my head spin in the best way possible. His sweet, kind side. His hot, sexy side. His bruised, battered side. It makes him broken and whole at the same time. It makes him real and human.
It makes me want him more than I ever thought I’d want another person.
Violet bounces into the kitchen, jumping onto my lap. “Can we go to the beach today?” Her eyes go wide, lips pouty, the perfect begging face.
Dax puts the last dish into the drain and dries his hands. “I should go now. You two h
ave fun.”
Violet looks over at him as if he’s just announced that the sky is green and not blue. “You have to come with us. It won’t be fun unless you’re there.” She jumps off my lap and reaches for his hand. “Come on. You get to help me pack my toys.”
As she drags him out of the room, he looks over his shoulder, his eyes asking me if it’s okay that he joins along. With a subtle nod and small smile, I let him know he has no choice.
And neither do I, because every part of me wants him there with us. There’s no choice at all when it comes to Dax—he’s a part of my life and there’s no other way I’d rather have it.
“Can we get ice cream?” After four hours at the beach, all spent swimming, building sandcastles and burying both Dax and me in the sand, Violet is still a ball of energy. Dax and me, on the other hand, are totally shot.
Walking between us, Violet holds our hands, swinging them back and forth. “Please,” she draws out the word, looking up at me and then Dax. Even Tonka’s ears perk up at the idea of getting some ice cream.
“Fine,” I relent.
Of course Violet insists on ordering the most gigantic banana split sundae on the menu. It takes us forever to make a dent in it, but the combination of a day in the sun and an ice-cream induced food coma, has Violet dozing off at the table.
Without even having to ask him, Dax effortlessly lifts her up in his arms and carries her the rest of the way back to my apartment. She’s still out cold when we get inside so he lays her down on the bed, careful not to wake her.
“I should get going before Chloe wonders what the hell happened to me.”
“Thanks,” I say, walking him to the door.
“For?” He leans his hip against the frame, searching my face.
“Today.” I stuff my hands into my pockets. “Last night.” I pitch my voice lower. “Everything really. Violet really loves spending time with you.”
“And you?” His eyes drop to the floor.
Running my hand along his jaw, I tip his face back up to mine. “Of course me, too.” I kiss him briefly before asking what I’ve wanted to ask all day, but just haven’t had the chance. “Are you free tomorrow afternoon?”
Dax pauses briefly, seemingly thinking over his schedule. “Actually, no. My day is totally full.”
“Oh, okay.” I can’t hide the surprise in my voice.
Dax’s laughter falls from his lips easily. “Of course I’m free, you ass. I don’t have a job and you and Chloe are my only friends. What the hell else would I be doing?”
“What the hell do I know?” I laugh back at him.
“Why? What’s going on? You have work?”
“No, the shop is closed on Sundays, but Nikki called earlier.”
“Is everything okay?” The concern in his voice makes me fall for him even more.
“Everything’s fine. It’s just there are visiting hours tomorrow and she wants to see Violet. I wanted to know if you would come with us. You don’t have to come in or anything like that, but I just . . .” I stop myself from rambling, lost in the smirk playing across his face.
“Stop,” he commands softly, running his hands down my arms. “I’d love to spend the day with you and Violet, no matter what you’re doing.” His words put me at ease and his kiss makes my pulse race. “But I do need to go home for a bit.” As we make plans for me to pick him up in the morning, Tonka tugs on his leash, whining. “See you tomorrow.”
Watching him walk away, I let myself feel excited about the possibilities that lay ahead for the two of us.
It doesn’t take long for the excitement to transform into anxiety over seeing Nikki. When I get back inside, Violet is still sleeping peacefully on my bed. I hope for her sake that tomorrow goes smoothly.
Pulling into Dax’s lot the next morning, the anxiety I tried to shake yesterday returns. Violet’s excited voice calling out for Dax and Tonka help relax me somewhat.
Inspecting the car, he says, “You put the doors and the hard top on. Lookin’ good, Bessy.” He pats his hand on the faded dashboard. After snapping his seatbelt in place, he turns around to say hello to Violet. Of course she pays no attention to him, too busy talking Tonka’s ear off about her morning.
Taking advantage of her momentary distraction, I lean over and kiss Dax. “I missed you last night.”
Waggling his eyebrows, he says, “Not as much as I missed you.”
“Hey, what about my kiss?” Violet calls out from the back seat, putting on her pouty face and everything. Dax laughs and stretches into the back of the jeep. Violet offers him her cheek and just when she thinks he’s going to pop a kiss there, he blows a loud raspberry on her cheek. Tonka barks at the noise and Violet swipes at her face, shooting Dax the stink eye.
About two minutes into the ride, Violet asks, “Where are we going anyway?”
My hand tightens on the steering wheel. Not wanting to let her down, I figured I wouldn’t tell Violet about visiting her mom until we actually arrived there. With Nikki I never know if plans will fall through and I didn’t want to be the one to let Violet down.
Catching on to my silence, Dax drops his hand to mine as it rests on the gear shift. Squeezing gently, his eyes search mine before he speaks up. “There’s a carnival tonight down at the pier. We just have to stop somewhere before that and then we can spend the rest of the day eating cotton candy and going on the rides, okay?”
Violet’s eyes light up, and if she wasn’t strapped into her seat, she’d be jumping up and down with excitement. “Yay!” she yells out before returning her attention back to Tonka to tell him all about the rides at a carnival.
“Thanks for that.” Turning my hand over in his, I smile over at him.
“No problem.” His warm voice wraps around me just as his fingers lace through mine.
New Found Life Rehabilitation Center is only about a fifteen-minute drive from my apartment, and, if it weren’t for Violet talking non-stop to Tonka, the ride would have been spent in comfortable silence.
Nikki and I worked out the details for me to call the front desk when we arrived so we wouldn’t have to bring Violet inside. With shaking fingers, I call the office and the nurse tells me that Nikki will meet us in the front pavilion.
“What’s this place?” Violet asks as she climbs out of her seat. Before I can even answer her, she catches a glimpse of her mom walking toward us. “Mommy!” she screams, racing over to Nikki.
“I’ll stay here with Tonka,” Dax offers and, even though I want him to be by my side, I know that the three of us need at least a few minutes alone.
As I walk over to the two most important girls in my life, I recall the last words Nikki said to me before she left.
“You can’t make me go,” she spat angrily. Sitting across from the table in a holding cell at the county jail, Nikki had just received her mandated sentence of a thirty day rehab stay.
Reaching out my hand across the table, I wanted nothing more than to comfort her. But she was too angry, too blinded by the shock of having Violet taken away from her to see me for who I was—someone who wanted nothing more than for her to get better. “Nikki, you need to go. You need to fix yourself.”
“Don’t get all fucking preachy on me,” she cursed, pulling her hand away from mine. I let her harsh attitude roll off my back, figuring it had more to do with going through withdrawals than her actually being pissed off at me.
“Listen, about Vio-”
“No,” she shot up from her chair, the loud screeching setting the room on edge. “You’re not taking her. She’ll stay with–”
“Who?” I snapped, finally allowing my anger at her life boil over. “Because I swear to God, Nikki, if you tell me that you’ll let her stay with that dead-beat, drug dealing sperm-donor of an asshole you call her father, I’ll fight for her. I’ll fight the entire fucking system to keep her away from him.” My voice was trembling, vibrating with seething anger. Standing, I loomed over her small, near-weightless frame. The drugs had taken a hu
ge impact on her, knocking her down to at most one-hundred pounds. “And I’ll fight you, too. I’ll fight tooth and nail to keep her safe, even from her own mother.” Calmly, and with a steadiness I didn’t have, I pushed the chair back under the table. Before turning my back on her, I said quietly, “Now, go get better. I’ll take care of the rest, like I always do.”
Trying my best, I bite all that memory back, keeping it hidden as best I can in the recesses of my mind. Violet doesn’t need to be witness to it anyway.
With a smile wider than I should be able to fake at the moment, Violet beams over at me from Nikki’s lap. “It’s Mommy.” Barely able to hear her muffled voice as she speaks into Nikki’s neck, I have no choice but to smile back.
“Hey, baby girl,” Nikki extends her arms, letting Violet move away from her slightly. “Can you do me a big, ginormous, favor?”
If it’s possible, Violet’s face splits in an even wider smile, nodding excitedly. “Of course, Mommy,” she squeals, leaping from Nikki’s lap.
“See those pretty yellow flowers and those puffy white ones?” Nikki points to the open field spread out before us. Nodding, Violet looks out in the distance. “Can you pick some for Mommy? I need some beautiful in my life right now.” Nikki smiles sadly over to me, watching Violet bound away from us.
Before she gets too far, Violet spins back on her heels, facing us once again. Making sure to twirl her glittery, fluffy skirt in the light breeze, she shoots her mother an inquisitive look. “But those are weeds, Mommy. Are you sure you want those?”
Nikki smiles cheerfully. “Just because they’re not perfect, it doesn’t mean they’re not beautiful.”
Violet nods, returning her mother’s glowing smile before she runs off to pick the dandelions.
Watching her daughter frolic before us, Nikki slides over on the bench closer to me. Moving her hand subtly to cover mine, she looks up at me. Her eyes are clear. It’s not something I would expect anyone who hasn’t dealt with addiction up close and personal to understand, but it’s like she’s finally back. She’s here, where the black depths of her pupils used to be lifeless, bleak pools of nothingness, there’s now life vibrating around her blue irises.
On Solid Ground Page 15