I followed him back to the hospital and up to the surgery area. Dean stood when I walked in the room and Brian plopped in a seat far away from where Dean stood. I strode over to Dean and he wrapped me in his arms, keeping his eyes on Brian, probably in defense mode. As much as I knew, Dean could hold his own. I knew he wasn’t going to fight Brian. He whispered in my ear, “How did it go?”
I looked at him and whispered back, “Later.” I didn’t want to discuss it and right now all I wanted was to see my baby.
A short couple of hours later, the sun finally made its appearance and lightened up the room. I was pretty sure I was on my fifth coffee and Dean wasn’t far behind me. I wasn’t sure what Brian was drinking but somehow I guessed it wasn’t coffee. Kate was starting to wake up and we were finally allowed into the room.
I immediately stood by her side and grabbed her hand to squeeze it to let her know I was there. Looking at her banged up body with bruises all around her beautiful face, made me cry. Dean rubbed my shoulders and Brian stood on the other side of the hospital bed holding her other hand. Her little eyes twinkled to life while she looked at us surrounding her.
“How’s Ben?” were the first words out of her precious mouth. The one question I didn’t know the answer to.
“I’m not sure, honey. I’ll find out in a little bit. How are you feeling? Are you okay? Do you need anything?” The mommy in me was out in full swing.
“Dad, you’re here, too.” She smiled.
Brian looked at me then to Dean, before back to Kate. “Yes, baby, I’m here. I came home as soon as I heard. Wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” He brought her hand up and gently placed a kiss on top of it.
“What happened, sweetie?” I asked hopefully, wanting to get some of the answers we’d been wondering about.
“I’m so sorry, Mom. I shouldn’t have left. I shouldn’t have snuck out.” She winced in pain while getting somewhat upset at herself.
“It’s okay. You’re fine and that’s all that matters.” I brushed her hair out of her face softly, avoiding hurting her with all the tender spots I’m sure she had.
She started to get sleepy again and we all persuaded her to get some sleep. Shortly after, she fell back asleep. We all took a deep breath knowing she was all right. In an hour or so, she would be transferred to a room. I made it a point to go find out how Ben was doing since I knew she’d ask me again. I wanted to see if his mother was all right and to thank her for making the call to me. If we hadn’t gotten here when we did, I’m not sure what would have happened with her transfusion.
.
Chapter 9
“Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them.” – George Eliot
Millie
Walking down the long hallway to the information desk, I saw Ben’s family sitting in the waiting area all with their heads facing the ground and his mother in tears. I stood still and just watched their emotions for a minute before thoughts started running through my mind. What happened? Was Ben okay? I moved closer to his mother and brought my hand to her back which caught her attention.
I whispered softly, “Are you okay?”
She brought me into a hug and started to cry. I was taken by surprise, as this woman barely knew who I was but felt she needed me at the moment. In between sobs, she spoke.
“Ben…didn’t….make….it.”
My mouth just hung open. My heart sank not just for her, but for Kate, too. I couldn’t imagine losing your child, your life, the person that made your family whole. I hugged her tighter and just let her sob into my shoulder. I still had no idea what had happened, and I had no idea what I would tell Kate. To never be able to say goodbye to someone doesn’t help the situation for anyone. Not only would she be devastated, but she had just lost her first love. A love that would break her. After a short while, I continued back up the stairs where Dean was exiting the hallway. He saw me and the tears in my eyes. He walked up to me and wrapped me in his arms.
“What’s the matter?” He asked while rubbing my shoulders.
I slid back out of his arms and grabbed his hands intertwined with mine. “Ben didn’t make it.”
His eyes opened wide and his mouth parted, speechless. “I don’t understand…” His voice trailed off, but he didn’t know what to say.
“He’s just gone. Apparently, he went through the window right into the tree and his injuries were too bad. Kate’s going to be devastated. I’m devastated for her.” He wiped the tears coming from my eyes.
“We’ll just need to be there for her. She’ll need us the most right now. How’s his mom?”
He took my hand while we started walking back. “She’s not good. Can you blame her?”
We walked back to the room and she was already being transferred to another room where she’d stay a couple days for observation. We followed the orderlies up to the room and Kate was still sound asleep. I figured she was going to be exhausted. Brian didn’t say a word and we all gave each other some space. It was obvious we were all worn out from being awake so long, especially Brian in having that long drive back here.
“Maybe you should head home and get some rest and come back later this evening?” I looked at Brian hoping he wouldn’t give me too many problems.
“I’m fine.”
Dean stepped in, “Brian, you’ve had a really long drive and you look exhausted. Go get some rest, we will call you if anything . . .”
Brian’s head whipped in Dean’s direction and his stare was murderous. “I don’t have to like you right now,” Brian hissed through gritted teeth, “so don’t speak.” His eyes narrowed and then glanced away.
“Maybe we should take this conversation outside of Kate’s room and I’d be happy to discuss it with you.” Dean retorted, putting his foot down.
Brian stopped his feet outside the room after they were getting Kate settled down. I leaned against the door and eves dropped on their conversation.
“Listen bro, you don’t have any reason to be upset with me. I did what I had to do under the circumstances, and she wouldn’t be here right now if I didn’t. I’m not planning on taking your place. You are the father she knows and I’m okay with that. So please, give me a little credit as I just learned of this discovery not long ago as well. It shocked us both, but it’s something we just have to deal with for Kate’s sake.” Dean raised his voice, clearly getting upset.
“First of all, I ain’t your ‘bro.’ Second of all, I know you won’t take my place. Third, I don’t care what you have to say. All I care about is Kate and her well-being at the moment. Don’t try to play daddy of the fucking year when you haven’t been there.”
“My name is Dean, by the way. I’m not claiming any awards. I’m claiming Millie, and taking care of her family as best I can.”
As soon as I heard Dean go over the line, I stepped outside the door. “Look, enough. Kate is in there resting, I don’t need y’all out here fighting over shit. Get your acts together.”
“Acts together? I’m sorry whose fault is all this again, Millie?” Brian’s death stare came back to me.
“Hey, cut the shit, Brian. This isn’t the time or place to start this blame game conversation. Yeah, Millie messed up but you know damn well in her heart that she never meant to hurt either one of us even though it hurt like hell hearing it. Believe me.”
Brian stepped up to Dean and got real close in his face. The breath he blew on Dean was almost visible. I ran between them and pushed at their chests.
“Enough!” I screamed, containing myself knowing I was in a hospital and now causing a scene. “Both of you get out of here. I can’t deal with this right now when my baby girl is in there in pain and just lost her boyfriend. And you two are out here like fucking hyenas about to pounce on another rather than deal with what’s important right now lying on the other side of this wall.”
They both looked at me and watched me walk back in the room with Kate. I saw her eyes open and I immediately felt the nerves climb to the pi
t of my stomach because I knew what was coming next.
“Mom,” she whispered painfully.
I walked quickly to her side and picked up her hand to my chest. “Yeah, baby.” I whispered back, tears welled up in my eyes.
“I want to see Ben, Mom.” I couldn’t hold my tears anymore. That sweet voice from her mouth about broke me in half. I have these two idiots outside arguing and being little boys and I have this teenager in here asking about her dead boyfriend who she didn’t know was dead yet. Nothing could have come at better timing. Death doesn’t have a time on it. Nobody would ever say death could come at a good time.
I pulled the chair close to the bed and sat down squeezing her hand in mine. I wiped my tears with my other hand and took a deep breath while I looked in my baby girl’s blue eyes. She looked so beautiful lying before me and it was then that I really took a look at her and saw what an amazing young woman she’d become. Her flawless hair, her porcelain skin tone, and the brightest, whitest smile you could fall in love with. I could see where Ben fell hard for my Kate. But I hated knowing she’d never see him again.
“Baby, there’s something…”
She interrupted me, “What?”
I looked right in her tear-filled eyes while she guessed my emotions. “Ben went to heaven, baby. He didn’t make it. I’m so sorry.” I got out of the chair and leaned over and held her in my arms. She didn’t say a word and didn’t cry. I knew it was coming because she started to shake. I knew my baby was hurting. After a few moments of me squeezing her, she let it out. Heavy sobs and pained screams echoed throughout the room and I just held her.
*~*
“Sweetie, are you ready to go? We have to be there in twenty minutes or we will miss the eulogy.” I yelled down the hallway filled with boxes.
We had just moved two days ago and it had been a nightmare trying to get Kate healed up all the way. Between her coming home and moving we’d kept busy but I knew deep down she was dreading the funeral today. I didn’t think that day in the hospital would ever end. She cried in my arms all night long. Dean and Brian must have gone home to give us our space because they never did come back in the room that night. I got a few text messages from Dean, but I didn’t respond to anything until the next day. Brian was still being distant, and I gave him that. I still needed to confront him more about the situation but I hadn’t had the time with the moving and all.
Today was the funeral and I knew I was going to be in for another long night. I didn’t know if Kate was prepared for this day or not, but she hadn’t said much to me since that night in the hospital. Dean was going to attend the funeral with us today and was waiting outside in the car.
Kate came walking down the hallway wearing a beautiful short black flowered dress with no makeup on. We somewhat matched as I was wearing a black flowered dress as well. She didn’t say a word and put her arm in mine while we walked out of the condo and headed downstairs towards Dean.
“Hey, beautiful.” Dean approached me and gave me a sweet kiss on the cheek before opening the doors for both of us. I smiled and got in the car while Kate got in the back seat. The tires stuck to the hot pavement as we rolled away to the church.
“Mom,” Kate whispered from the backseat.
“Yeah, baby?”
“I can’t do this.”
I reached my arm around to the backseat and squeezed her leg. “You are only going to have this one time to say goodbye, baby. It’ll be okay. He’d want you there.”
“No, Mom I can’t do this.” She started to cry. I wanted to hold her in my arms forever until she healed, but I knew it was going to be a long time before she could heal from such pain.
Dean pulled up to the church and I got in the backseat and asked Dean to give us some space.
I slid across the leather and wrapped my arms around Kate. Her precious blonde hair was curled just for Ben . . . and no makeup since she knew he liked her better that way. She was giving her all to present to Ben one last time her love for him.
“Come on, sweetie, it’s going to start any minute. Let’s go pay our respects.” I tried encouraging her to get out of the car. I could see Dean waiting by the door for us and trying to signal to me that they were ready. I was pretty sure it wouldn’t start without her since his mother has been so kind to us and tried to keep in contact with Kate, keeping her going even though she was hurting so badly, as well.
She took my hand and followed me out of the car. We slowly walked to the church and Dean locked his arm with mine while we took a seat in a pew towards the front. The casket laid out with a white cloth across it and a beautiful flower displayed of roses lay on the casket. A huge blown up picture of Ben that looked recent was displayed next to his casket with a burning candle. Kate slowly released my arm and sat there giving a little space between us and her eyes stared ahead. Ben’s parents were seated in the front row wearing black and unable to contain their emotions. The father stood up at the altar almost ready to begin his eulogy. Dean had his left arm wrapped around me and thoughts just kept running through my mind. If I had this many thoughts I knew Kate must be overwhelmed with thoughts. The next thing I knew, I looked to my left and Kate wasn’t there. I scanned the church and looked forward and saw her standing next to the casket while everyone had their eyes on her. My heart started to pump faster and I was at the edge of my seat not knowing what I should do. Her crying started and her words flew out of her mouth.
“Why did you have to leave me? Ben, don’t leave me here alone!” She wept. I got up and made my way to her quickly before she caused more of a scene.
You could hear Ben’s mother sob even louder as her husband hugged her tight while I passed their pew to make my way to the casket and Kate.
“Come back to me, Ben!” She hugged the casket. “You were my true love, Ben! I love you so much, you can’t be gone.”
I grabbed Kate’s arm and she resisted. “Kate, baby, come on.” I couldn’t help but cry seeing her so distraught. I wrapped my arm around her waist and forced her body to move while Dean had come around and helped me by putting his arm around us both. I escorted her out to the back of the church while she sobbed uncontrollably. I hurt for my baby girl and I didn’t know how to console her. I felt like I was failing as a parent because I’d never had to deal with the death of a significant other. Especially not at Kate’s age. Once I got her out of the church, she exploded on the steps outside.
“What am I going to do, Mom? How am I going to move on? How do I go to school and not look for him to walk me to class? How do I come home and not have him to text with while I do my homework? How do I go out on the weekends with my friends and their boyfriends when he won’t be there? How, Mom? I feel so lost. Who will tell me I’m beautiful enough? Who will be there for me when I need that special kiss he used to give me? I’m broken, Mom!” She yelled in between sobs. I really had no words to tell her. Dean wrapped his arms around her and she lunged into them and just sobbed. I went up to them both and hugged them. We needed the closeness to get through this.
“It’s going to be okay. I’m here for you, sweetie.” I cried with her. As much as I didn’t know Ben that well, I knew he was a kid. Kids would be kids. But now she was lost in a universe that she never thought would crash down around her.
After a good while of getting her in check, I noticed the doors open and Karen, Ben’s mom, walked out of the church heading straight for her us.
“Kate?” She paused and wiped her tears from her face. Kate’s eyes met hers and she walked up to her, taking her arm. It was a sweet gesture and I was glad she did. “Sweetheart, Ben loved you so much. He will always be in your heart and in ours forever. I want you to know that. We’ll get through this together. I know how much you meant to each other. She tapped Kate’s chest. “Anytime you want to talk to him, you just talk because he’s right there in your heart, listening. Always.” Kate wrapped her arms around her and hugged her tight while she wept in her arms. Dean had come up to me and held me while we watched
the two of them hold each other and cry for Ben. For a young life lost, a mother who had lost her son, and a daughter who had lost her boyfriend. We would mourn Ben, but celebrate his existence.
Chapter 10
“You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.” –Barbara de Angelis
Brian
“Yeah, come in.” I rolled my eyes knowing just knowing this wasn’t going to go over well. My momma always told me the attitude you go into something with is more than likely the attitude that you’re going to keep and come out with regardless. I knew I should be giving Millie the chance to explain things, but maybe I didn’t want to forgive her. Maybe I couldn’t just yet.
Millie walked through the door wearing a yellow sun dress and her hair pinned to the top of her head in a sloppy mess. To say she looked rough, was an understatement. To be honest, as I much as I hated her right now, I loved when she looked like this because it was usually my cue to make everything better. Except, this was her mistake to deal with. She was supposed to be making me feel better, but I knew she couldn’t do that for me.
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