by Chris Dolley
Wait a minute, Brick. What IS ectoplasm?
Good question. It’s a gauze-like substance that some spirits can cause to ooze from various orifices of your body.
I don’t like the sound of that, Brick.
Which is why you should tick the ‘no ectoplasm’ box on your application form.
But before you do, think carefully. Some spirits offer to call up dead relatives for you. This can be a fun way to spend an evening — having a good chat with the dear departed. But, to do so, most spirits insist on using ectoplasm to drape a physical form over your dead visitors. It makes the sessions more real.
But how do you get rid of the stains, Brick?
Easy. You use Crapper’s All-In-One Stain Remover — perfect for ectoplasm, blood, brain matter, infernal goo, inter-dimensional ooze, sulfur, and gravy. If you need to remove evidence fast, reach for the Crapper. Even a CSI team won’t find anything afterwards.
Spiritual Well Being
The Federal Government has passed one of those meddling laws they tack on to bills every now and then to secure the vote of some obscure politician with a bee in his or her bonnet. This one didn’t like the idea of possession.
So ... by law I have to tell every applicant that possession carries a Government Spiritual Health Warning. And here it is:
Possession May Result in the Loss of Your Eternal Soul
Yeah, right.
FAQ
1. Won’t having a demon inside my body make me weigh more? I mean some of those demons are like HUGE!
Spirits don’t weigh much at all. The human spirit, or soul, has been measured at 26 grams. That’s less than an ounce! Even the REALLY big dinosaur spirits don’t weigh that much. Why? Because studies have shown that the weight of the soul is proportionate to the size of the brain, not the body. And dinosaurs have really small brains. The same goes for demons. The heaviest spirit we’ve encountered — The Ancient One from Gargantua Prime - is still less than 5 ounces. And with that demon inside you, you’ll lose more than 5 ounces in the first minute!
2. What if the demon doesn’t want to leave when its time is up?
The demon will have no choice. Exorcism is 100% successful.
(This uses the industry standard definition of 100% as in: it’s always successful, except when it’s not — and those failures are excluded from the official figures because either the correct procedures weren’t followed, there was an anomaly, or no autopsy was performed due to the medical examiner running away screaming.)
And at Crapper Clinics we only use accredited exorcists — professionals with a proven track record and up-to-date insurance.
3. Will I have blackouts when the demon takes control of my body? Or will I be awake and powerless to intervene?
Good question. Some clients prefer to black out, some like a front row seat. The important thing is to discuss this with your demon BEFOREHAND. This is why we stress the importance of choosing a COMPATIBLE spirit. Choose someone, or something, with similar likes and dislikes — someone you can get on with and won’t put you in a situation you’re uncomfortable with.
4. Will I still have free will?
See above. Some of the more powerful spirits will have the power to wrest control of your body away from you. That doesn’t mean they will. As long as you buy your Possession Plan from a reputable company like Crapper Clinics, you’ll be safe. All our demons are FDA (Federal Demon Association) approved, and they know they have to behave to stay on our list. Spirits love spending time in the physical world as much as you love having them help you lose weight. Not even a demon’s going to jeopardize that.
5. Will I have GIANT, SAGGING FOLDS OF SKIN from all that superfast weight loss?
Not at Crapper Clinics. We have a skin cream to die for. It combines the skin tautening properties of Botox with the skin-munching powers of the Antarean Megaleech. And, as if that’s not enough, all our exorcists are trained in the use of the Dyson Skin-O-Suction machine which not only removes excess skin, but can make it into a purse. Or, if there’s enough, a pair of shoes as well.
6. Can you be possessed and stay happily married?
Of course. But remember you’re inviting a stranger into your home ... and your bed. Make sure your significant other, your family, and your pets, are comfortable with that situation.
And talking of pets, remember that animals are generally more sensitive than we are when it comes to sensing spirits. Be prepared for them to treat you differently for the first day or so. And their eyes might turn red.
7. Can you be possessed and still juggle a family and a job?
When it comes to juggling, possession is a huge help, psychokinesis being a frequent side feature. You’ll be able to juggle anything you want — small children, furniture, cars. Nothing will be too difficult.
Testimonials
“I lost so much weight I could float above my bed!” — Lida Blair
“All my life I’ve suffered from low self-esteem. I hated my body, and I hated that I ate so much. I tried every diet out there and none of them worked. Then I tried the Possession diet and WOW has my life changed! I was matched with Krokkatokka The All Powerful, Supreme Demon of All He Surveys — Even the Bits He Has to Stand on a Chair to See!
“He taught me my true worth, and how to enjoy the small things in life — like having people prostrate themselves at my feet, trembling in fear in case they displeased me and I had to snuff out their puny, meaningless lives.
“Now I love my body, and I have a twelve-point plan for world domination!” — Sherry-Ann Smith, Future Ruler of the Known World — Even the Really Small Bits She Has to Look Up on the Internet.
“I LOVE this diet. My partner of six years had just dumped me and my self-esteem was in the toilet. Then a friend told me about Dr. Crapper and his Possession diet. It was AMAZING. I lost forty pounds in a week! But best of all I got to ruin my cheating, conniving, ex’s wedding.
“I didn’t mean to. I only wanted to weird him and the ho out a bit. I mean, can you BELIEVE they actually invited me to their wedding? Talk about nerve. Well, anyway, I thought I’d give them the slow 360° head turn but ... my demon had other ideas and, before I knew it, I was in a full on Head Spin of the Projectile Vomiting Kind.
“The wedding video’s on YouTube. It’s had 400,000 hits. Almost as many as my ex!” — Jilted Jill
“I’d tried everything to lose weight. I’d had a gastric band fitted, my jaws wired shut. I’d even had my nutritionist break my fingers with a surgical baseball bat. Nothing worked.
“Then a friend told me about the Possession Diet and I haven’t looked back since. I was paired with a Brontosaurus and it gave me a TOTALLY different perspective on ideal body weight. Now I LOVE my body. And I LOVE salad. All I need now to make my life perfect is a second brain!” — Swamp Lover
“This is the BEST DIET EVER!!! I eat what I want, when I want, knowing that at the end of every month I can lose all the weight, AND hang out with my new BFF!
“It may cost a lot more than other diets, but it is SO worth it! And you soon get used to the tusks.” — Elephant Girl
“A lot of people at work say such negative things about Satan, but, BOY, does he help you lose weight!” — Archbishop Thomas of Norwich
Demon Dating Questionnaire
To find your perfect match, fill in the questionnaire below and send it to your nearest Crapper Clinic.
1. Do you like long walks? Maybe at night, running barefoot through woods? Or skipping through graveyards?
2. Do you have long hair which you like to brush forward and let hang over your face? Do you like crawling out of television sets?
3. On a train, do you like sitting facing the direction you’re travelling in, or looking back? If the latter, have you ever wished you could turn your head through 180° and observe the world behind you?
4. When planning a vacation, do you prefer somewhere hot or cold? Do you like really hot steam baths? The smell of sulfur in the morning?
/> 5. Are you a nervous person? Could you cope with seeing a different face in the mirror every day for a week?
6. Do you like to look good? All the time? Would the odd wart, scale, or really weird-looking hairy growth freak you out?
7. What about a second head or five eyes?
8. Are you open to new experiences?
9. Do you like visiting foreign countries?
10. Are you comfortable meeting strangers? How about REALLY strange strangers?
11. Are you open to embracing new cultures? You knew we meant the kind of cultures you find in a Petri dish, didn’t you?
12. Would you let your child marry someone green? With seventeen legs? More than one head?
13. Are religious beliefs important to you?
14. Would you rather eat dinner at a restaurant or in a swamp?
15. Do you like your meat well-done, rare, not cooked at all, or still screaming?
16. Are you open to new foods? Really new foods? Like REALLY, REALLY new foods? Like stuff that never in a MILLION, MILLION years would you have ever even considered being food?
17. Are you good at handling changes in your life?
18. Do you crave excitement? Extreme excitement?
19. Do you express your feelings easily? Would you like to? Would you like to turn your inhibition dial down to MINUS ONE and tell everyone EXACTLY how it is? In ancient Sumerian ... with full reverb?
20. Have you ever considered changing your will to make a deserving cause a beneficiary?
Recipes
These recipes are provided by the world’s FOREMOST food blogger and chef, Brandi Gourlay! Brandi has worked in the kitchens of the world’s most famous restaurants — McDonald’s, Burger King, El Pollo Lardo.
So, when it comes to cooking exotic foods, who else ya gonna call? Brandi’s reputation is built on experimentation and ‘off the wall’ — occasionally ‘off the floor’ — cooking. She’s talked to our staff at Crapper Clinics, made notes of all the kinds of ‘food’ that spirits and demons appear to like the most, and come up with a list of out-of-this world recipes.
If you’re a squeamish eater faced with a demon with a penchant for swamp food with a slime starter, these are the recipes for you. You’ll love it, and your demon will love you.
The full recipes can be found in her book, Unnatural Appetites. Here are a few summaries to give you the flavor.
Bubble and Squeak
A boil-in-the-cauldron casserole of rat (the squeak) with cabbage, parsnip, carrots and marsh gas (the bubble). Season with eye of newt and leave to fester for three hours.
Deviled Eggs
Curse your eggs lightly for five minutes. Add devil at the last minute using a blended summoning and holding spell. Best served with an antichristo appetizer.
Crispy Baby Corn
This is a spicy appetizer much loved by Indo-Chinese demons. First crisp your baby, then add corn to taste.
Toad in the Hole
The ideal twilight snack for pond parties. Comes with a choice of dips — Mississipi Mud, Humus, and Spider’s Nest.
Shepherd’s Pie
Brandi recommends you use only free-range shepherds as they’re tastier. Mince your shepherd with onions and carrots, then top with mashed potato peelings and fetid cheese.
Scandinavian Sandwich
You guessed it: Swede, Danish, Norwegian Omelets, and Finn soup. All served on a Lap.
Key Slime Pie
Take three good handfuls of Florida slime and mix with condensed milk until thoroughly horrid. Pour slop into whole brain pastry case. Whip four egg whites mercilessly and smear on top to create a meringue.
Financial Analyst Prepared Five Ways
That’s stuffed, roasted, battered, smoked and ballotine. The best financial analysts are ones that have been aged for fifteen years in an oak coffin.
Seared Stockbroker, with Doorman Puree, Confit Receptionist and Head of Marketing Julienne
A popular lunchtime meal in the city for gourmet demons and the more discerning serial killer spirits. Serve drizzled with curdled blood.
Duke of Clarence Pudding
Ideal for Medieval Banquets. Marinate your Duke in a vat of Malmsey wine for at least three days. Garnish with plums, apricots and sultanas, then serve chilled.
Wild Cherry Compost
First, annoy your cherry until it’s really wild, then mulch with grass cuttings, apple peel, and decaying vegetables until ripe. Serve on a bed of wilted nettles.
Apple Cobbler
Take 3lbs of apples to a shoe repair shop...
Calorie Counter
Acknowledgements
Thank you to my editors Jennifer Stevenson, Sherwood Smith and the thousands of happy customers who have lost weight through the Possession Diet.
And a special shout out to all those customers awaiting trial. Our thoughts are with you guys.
About Brick Crapper M.D
Brick Crapper is a Colorectal Times bestselling author and an expert on alternative diets. He has SEVEN doctorates from the Internet’s leading universities and has appeared on countless television programs, often without his face blacked out.
He’s the author of several groundbreaking diet books:
The Crapper Diet: You Can Never HaveToo Many Laxatives
Twenty Fun Things to Do with a Tape Worm
Leprosy: the Scientific Way to Remove those Last 20lbs
The Noro Diet: Making the Norovirus Your Friend
He’s the winner of The Pullitzer Porcelain Award, the Prix de Deux Maggots, and The Yippee Award for Best Diet Book Written by a Left-Handed Resident of South Dakota Aged Over Forty!
He’s the founder, CEO, and Head Scienteer of Crapper Clinics, the fastest growing weight loss chain ON THE PLANET.
He was a judge on America's Idlest Loser.
He’s also a family man, a devoted husband, and a friend to small furry animals everywhere.
He’s Brick Crapper, M.D.
The Noro Diet
Ugly fat, and quite a few carrots, removed in minutes!
As used on cruise liners.
Almost never fatal!
Contains informative chapters such as ‘Now don’t wash your hands’ and ‘Five ways to get to the front of the bathroom line.’
“I’ve never lost so much weight!” says Excited from Minneapolis. “Usually I hit a wall after a month and give up, but with this diet I can’t stop. It’s also saved me a fortune on rent as I now live in the bathroom!”
Spring clean your gastrointestinal tract today with ... The Noro Diet — printed on recycled paper courtesy of Charmin.
Other Books by Chris Dolley
In his spare time Brick publishes books under his nom du clavier, Chris Dolley.
French Fried — $2.99
— NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER —
Animals behaving badly, other people’s misfortunes and the most bizarre true crime story ever. The international bestseller, French Fried, is the unfortunately true account of Chris Dolley’s first eight months in France and has been described as ‘A Year in Provence with Miss Marple and Gerald Durrell.’
Just when Chris and Shelagh think nothing more could possibly go wrong, they discover that Chris’s identity has been stolen and their life savings - all the money from their house sale in England that was going to finance their new life in France - had disappeared. A bank account had been opened in Chris’s name in Spain to take the proceeds.
Then they’re abandoned by the police forces of four countries who all insist the crime belongs in someone else’s jurisdiction. The French say it’s an Irish crime as that’s where the money was held. The Irish say it’s French as that’s where all the correspondence came from. The British say it’s nothing to do with them even though forged British passports were used to open the bank account in Spain. And the Spanish are on holiday - and can’t even think about investigating any bank account for at least four weeks.
So Chris has to solve the crime himself. But unlike
fictional detectives he has an 80 year-old mother-in-law and an excitable puppy who insist they come along if he’s going anywhere interesting - like a stakeout.
“This was a fantastic read. It had me laughing so much that I nearly got relegated to the sofa! Once I had started reading this book, I could not put it down, I was even quite happy to miss my favourite TV programmes!” - Bookmarked
“When I downloaded this book this morning, I had every intention of putting it on my phone and reading it in dribs and drabs. And now I appear to have finished the book! The best thing about ‘French Fried’ is it’s sense of humour; warm, self-deprecating, and very British. Literally laugh out loud in several places (I’m glad I’m the only one home!).” - Librarything
“Chris Dolley’s humour reminds me of James Herriot at times, with my husband shushing me in the middle of the night. I could not put this book down and enjoyed it immensely. The characters, especially Nan, were life-size.” - Salammi
An Unsafe Pair Of Hands — $3.99
Peter Shand is the ‘safe pair of hands’ - a high-flying police administrator seconded to a quiet rural CID team to gain the operational experience he needs for promotion. On his second day he’s thrust into a high-profile murder case. A woman’s body is discovered in an old stone circle - with another woman buried alive beneath her.
The media is clamoring for answers, but everything about the case is baffling. Then a local journalist singles out Shand as the reason for the lack of progress, and goads him at a press conference. Shand responds by inventing a lead, and keeps on lying - to the press, his boss, his team - telling himself that he’ll solve the case before anyone finds out.
And then another murder occurs. And had there been a third?
Shand begins to doubt his ability. He’s desperate, increasingly unpredictable, pursued by an amorous psychic, and somehow gaining a reputation for arresting livestock.