Her determination lasted all of two seconds before her mind returned to Flynn. Maybe he’d arrive before Joyce, just so she wouldn’t have to explain why he wasn’t there. He was nice like that.
Yet, as she turned the taps and forced herself into the shower, she knew he wouldn’t be coming. She’d get a glimpse of him at the cemetery, looking all handsome and dapper in his dark suit, but that would be it. She’d pushed this Mr Nice Guy to his limit. Tears threatened again at the realisation of just how much she’d stuffed up. Her life, his … if only there were an option to start over.
She dressed in the skirt and dressy shirt she’d asked Saskia to courier from Sydney. She did her hair and slapped on more make-up than usual. Toast was pushed down her throat bite by bite, which in her current state was quite an achievement. She was just about ready when she heard a car pull into the driveway. Joyce was early, she thought, but as she peered through the kitchen blinds she almost choked on her last mouthful.
Karina. What was she doing here?
Ellie watched from the window, wide-eyed and frozen, as Flynn’s mum got out of the car, followed by his little sister. They both looked sombre yet stunning, dressed in near-identical black dresses. As the two women walked up the garden path, Ellie dusted the crumbs from her mouth and made her way to the door. She opened it as Karina stepped onto Matilda’s bright pink welcome mat. She didn’t know what she’d expected, but the warmth and sympathy she saw in the older woman’s eyes was not it.
‘Morning Ellie.’ Karina smiled softly.
‘Hi,’ Lucy said.
‘Hello,’ Ellie replied, somewhat bemused. She felt like a fool standing in the doorway, but she wasn’t sure what else to do. She waited for Karina to launch into an angry tirade, but she didn’t. Instead she pulled Ellie into an awkward hug. Well, it was awkward to Ellie. Her head rested on Karina’s shoulder, where it felt as if she were wearing shoulder pads. Karina pulled back. Ellie didn’t know anyone who still wore shoulder pads, but on Karina it looked stylish, and not at all out-of-date.
‘Flynn told me he wants to be with you,’ she said, tucking Ellie’s hair behind her ears so she could look into her eyes.
Relief flooded Ellie. If Flynn had told his mother they were getting back together, then he hadn’t gone for good.
‘I can’t deny how worried this makes me,’ Karina continued, ‘but I have to trust that you two know what you’re doing. He never got over you, Ellie, and part of me is rejoicing that you are back in his life.’
‘Thanks,’ Ellie managed, heartened by Karina’s words. Flynn had said he still loved her last night. Maybe she’d been bawling her eyes out for nothing. Maybe he just needed some time.
‘This makes you family, Ellie. And family is there for each other at times like these. Is there anything we can do to help you today?’
‘Umm …’ Ellie didn’t quite know what to say. Perhaps she should ask if Karina knew when Flynn would be back. And she wouldn’t mind one of them making her a cup of tea. She’d been too shaky to make one herself.
But Karina spoke first, stepping into the hallway. ‘So, is Flynn in the shower?’
‘What?’ Closing the door behind Lucy, Ellie turned back to Karina.
‘Flynn. Where is he?’
‘He left last night.’ As the words left Ellie’s mouth, dread sank in. ‘When did you talk to him?’
Karina’s brow creased and her eyes narrowed. ‘Yesterday afternoon, at the farm.’
Ellie swayed and palmed the wall for support. The hallway suddenly felt claustrophobic. Once again, she wished she’d kept her secret buried. Karina was being so lovely – thinking Ellie was back in Flynn’s life – but now, now that she had to tell her the truth, she didn’t want to think about the kind of wrath the woman was capable of.
‘Oh,’ Ellie managed.
‘Oh?’ Karina’s voice wasn’t sweet and supportive now.
Ellie cringed, anticipating the outcome of what she was about to say. She breathed deeply. ‘Last night I told Flynn why I left.’
‘Yes?’
‘It upset him. A lot.’ She sniffed, determined not to cry. ‘We broke up again, not that we were officially together, and he left. In a hurry.’
Karina sighed angrily. ‘What it is it with you, Ellie Hughes? Why did you have to lead him on again?’
‘I didn’t.’ Ellie fought back on instinct, tired of being the villain. She hadn’t led him on, she’d merely apologised. He was the kind-hearted soul that suggested they hang together, the one who stopped the town from ostracising her, the one who came to her when she most needed someone. Who could blame her for falling in love with such a noble heart? ‘And I don’t really want to discuss this with you, or anyone, right now. Maybe you should talk to Flynn instead.’
‘I would, if I knew where he was. We thought he was here, with you.’ Karina’s words stung. She took her mobile out of her clutch. Lucy didn’t say anything, she just looked at Ellie with a baffled expression.
Ellie shivered and her knees locked, her thoughts paralysing her. What if Flynn had gone on a bender again, because of her?
Karina seemed to have the same fears. She was already on the phone to Rats, who must have only just returned from his honeymoon. ‘Jordan, it’s Karina … Yes, I’ll be there … I’m just wondering, have you seen Flynn this morning?’ There was a long pause, then Karina grabbed Lucy’s arm and nodded towards the door. ‘No, he’s not with her.’
Shrugging apologetically to Ellie, Lucy opened the door for her mother and followed her out. Ellie stared after them, hearing snippets of Karina telling Rats that Flynn had been dumped again. For the first time in her life, Ellie felt like punching something. It was only the thought of not wanting to break any more of Mat’s things that stopped her.
She took a deep breath. This was the day she was laying Matilda to rest. She’d be damned if she let Karina Quartermaine or any other member of Hope Junction ruin it.
Shutting the door, she caught her reflection in the hallway mirror. Ugh. She looked like a bad clone of Morticia Addams. She glanced around at the bright colours of Matilda’s home and imagined her godmother scowling at her grim outfit. She’d hated funerals – she would’ve avoided having one altogether if it were legal – and she’d be appalled to think the whole town was dressed in a dour fashion because of her.
Ellie wandered through the house, taking in Mat’s wonderful array of treasures. She lingered in each room, knowing that when she returned tonight, Mat would really be gone, and she’d be more alone than ever.
Flynn wasn’t at the cemetery. The whole town had turned out, or so it seemed, but Flynn was noticeably absent. As was Mat’s younger brother, but that was more understandable – he was unable to leave his overseas posting at such short notice. Mat hadn’t believed there was any point in him coming to see a dead body anyway, and had told him so in no uncertain terms. She’d visited him plenty in the last few years – although she was officially retired from writing, the travel bug was not so easily repressed. She’d followed him around the world, visiting him at every place, and he would miss her dearly.
Ellie also thought briefly of Mat’s lost love, Tom, and wondered if she should have told him. Then again, she’d stuffed up enough in her own life lately, it was probably best she’d let Tom be. Joyce had informed Dougal, who’d sent his condolences.
Mud-covered cars lined the streets leading up to the burial site. The coffin would be carried by four young farmers for whom Matilda had been Scout Leader. Ellie went ahead with Joyce to stand at the front of the procession.
The two were quite the sight. Ellie couldn’t change the fact that locals would follow tradition and wear customary funeral clothes, as they had, but in the end she’d decided not to join them. Today was about celebrating Mat’s life, not having a contest over who could be the most downcast and depressed. So instead she’d changed into a bright fuchsia maxi dress – perhaps a little cool for the September weather, but her black woollen shrug would deal with the
chill. She knew Matilda would have loved the massive flowers splattering the skirt.
She’d also picked one of Matilda’s pink spider orchids to go in her hair. Its luscious scent instantly recalled Mat tending her garden.
‘They were one of her favourites,’ Joyce said. In terms of outfit, she’d come to the same decision as Ellie. Her bright purple-and-orange dress looked like something out of a Bollywood film. When Joyce had come to collect her, Ellie couldn’t help laughing, a bubble of tension popping inside her.
‘Do you think we stand out awfully?’ she asked now, her speech folded in her hands.
‘Well, not awfully,’ Joyce laughed. She carried a wicker basket, which was available for anyone who wanted to donate to Mat’s chosen cancer charity. She’d insisted on no flowers, but people liked to feel they were doing something.
Locals were gathering and Ellie smiled at people as she passed them, wondering who knew about her fight with Flynn. She didn’t think Karina or Lucy would be broadcasting the news, but Rats knew, so Whitney and Lauren were probably already popping the champagne corks. And even if they kept their big, lipstick-primed lips shut, his absence spoke volumes. She certainly felt it. Like a brick at the bottom of her stomach.
Pulling her shrug around her shoulders, Ellie tried to push thoughts of Flynn from her mind. She breathed a sigh of relief when the music started wafting from the stereo. Joyce put her arm around Ellie’s waist and Ellie leaned into her for comfort as the celebrant took their position before the crowd.
‘Thank you, everyone, for coming here today to celebrate the full and vibrant life of Matilda Jean Thompson.’ The celebrant glanced around as the sun moved behind a cloud. It didn’t stay hidden long, shining brightly for a spring morning, in complete contrast to the darkness filling Ellie’s heart. It were as if the weather was reminding her to think about the happy memories, to celebrate a good life and not dwell on loss. Ellie zoned out and lifted her head to the sky, wondering if, somewhere up there, Mat was looking down and giggling at the gathering.
See Norma Rickart? she imagined Matilda saying. She bought that dress in 1975. Only ever brings it out for funerals and her wedding anniversary.
Ellie suppressed a grin as her heart began to thaw. Then she heard the celebrant call her name. It was time for her to read the eulogy. She’d written most of it on her own, praise of Mat flowing freely from her fingers onto the page. Flynn had listened to her read it a couple of times and suggested a few additions. She’d gone over it on her own as well, so much so, it turned out, that when she stood before the crowd of mourners, not far from the coffin, she barely needed to look at the piece of paper in front of her.
Ellie’s words were heartfelt and raw. Her speech had a visible impact on the gathering – not because of her acting training, but because it was borne of the deepest, most honest emotions. By the end of it, there was not a dry eye to be found.
‘Mat was one of a kind,’ she said in closing. ‘Every town has someone who’s a little eccentric but all heart, willing to do anything for her friends and family, even for strangers. When Matilda Thompson took me into her home and heart, she taught me what love, family and community meant. She taught me to live life to the best of my ability and not to harbour regrets. I didn’t always manage to live up to her mantras but they were always here.’ Ellie touched the spot just above her heart. ‘And I will never forget them. Just as I will never forget her.’
She recalled the flower in her hair, pulled it out and laid it on Mat’s casket.
‘I love you, Mat,’ she whispered. Tears splashed freely from her cheeks onto the wood of the coffin. I’m sorry I didn’t always listen to your advice, she added silently.
Mat had believed in her and Flynn. She’d urged Ellie to tell Flynn the truth the moment she returned to Hope, but Ellie’d been too scared to listen, too scared to act. Would things have been different if she’d told him straight away? She couldn’t think like this. No regrets, she reminded herself.
Taking a deep breath, Ellie stood and walked back to Joyce. After the eulogy, the celebrant did something a little unconventional – something Mat would have loved – and asked people to share their memories of Matilda. Ellie loved listening to everyone’s anecdotes. It seemed that Mat had touched the hearts of almost everyone in Hope Junction.
So it wasn’t surprising when the bowling club filled quickly for the wake. Ellie made an effort to do the rounds, talking to as many people as she could and thanking them for coming. She especially thanked those who’d shared their memories of Matilda. But every person she spoke to made Flynn’s absence even more conspicuous. No one asked her about him, but she got some strange looks. At one point she overheard Karina brushing someone off when they asked where he was.
Despite being in a room full of loving, supportive people – even Lauren offered her condolences – Ellie felt utterly alone. She couldn’t wait until the crowds dispersed and she could escape back to the safety of Mat’s cottage. She needed to make some heavy decisions, and as much as she wanted to put them off, she knew she couldn’t.
As the last of the stragglers closed the door behind themselves and the CWA volunteers cleaned and tidied in the kitchen, Ellie saw Joyce coming towards her.
‘Was a good funeral, as far as funerals go.’ Joyce offered a supportive smile.
Ellie nodded. ‘Mat would have liked it. Not at all pompous or morbid.’
‘Shall I walk you home?’
‘No thanks.’ As much as Ellie appreciated the offer, she wanted to be alone, to not have to keep putting on a brave face. When Joyce didn’t say anything, Ellie felt the need to explain. ‘I’m really tired, I just want to crawl into bed and catch up on some sleep. But thanks anyway. And thanks for everything you’ve done for me and Mat in the last couple of months. I don’t know how we would have coped without your support.’
‘Oh, nonsense.’ Joyce held her index finger like a schoolmarm. ‘I just did what any friend would do, and you’ve been equally supportive of me in my grief.’
There was a solemn moment between them before Ellie said, ‘I’m glad.’
Ellie went to thank the CWA crowd and Joyce went to turn off the lights in the bathrooms. When Ellie stepped outside a few minutes later, however, Joyce was waiting for her. She opened her mouth to speak, but Joyce held up a hand to silence her.
‘Where’s Flynn?’ she asked.
Ellie’s stomach muscles tightened. She tried to keep the quaver from her voice. And failed. ‘I don’t know,’ she confessed.
‘Do you need to talk about it?’ Ellie couldn’t help but notice how Joyce said need rather than want.
‘You can walk me home,’ she said by way of reply.
Joyce simply nodded as they walked, waiting for Ellie to talk in her own good time. Ellie told Joyce what had happened, complete with the truth of why she’d fled to Sydney all those years ago. This was the third time she’d opened up to someone about this, and she wasn’t sure if the conversation was getting easier or harder. Either way, Joyce’s response was much more relaxed than Flynn’s – which was understandable. There was less at stake, and she was so like Mat in her non-judgemental, down-to-earth outlook.
‘I’m scared,’ she told Joyce.
‘Of what the town will say?’
Ellie shook her head. ‘I couldn’t care what anyone but Flynn thinks. If he turns back to the drink because of me, I’ll never forgive myself. I don’t know what to do. If only I’d approached the conversation a different way. I just blurted it all out, really. I need him to give me another chance.’
‘Is that what you want?’
‘Yes,’ Ellie replied emphatically. ‘I want him. I’ve always wanted him. I don’t seem to be very good for him, but I’d give anything to change that.’
‘And if he gives you the chance?’ Joyce asked. ‘Will you quit your job and stay here?’
‘It wouldn’t even be a sacrifice. If he let me in, I’ll have won the world.’
‘Then you need to
be patient.’ Joyce put her hand in Ellie’s and squeezed as they approached Mat’s house. ‘As the saying goes, “If you love something, set it free”. I know that isn’t easy, but you need to trust your heart. And his.’
‘Thanks.’ Ellie gave Joyce a hug and then hurried up the driveway. She closed the door behind her and leaned against it.
Patience.
Easy for Joyce to say, she wasn’t in Ellie’s position. How was she meant to be patient? Just hang about and not even try to contact Flynn? He could have fallen into a pit of self-destruction, and it was all because of her.
She switched the radio on to drown out the painful silence. Taking her phone out she clicked to her recent calls list. Flynn’s number sat right at the top – he’d called her from the Co-op yesterday morning to see if they needed milk. Yesterday morning, when they’d been living in an alternate reality.
She clicked the call button, holding her breath as she waited for the dial tone. But it never came.
The phone you are calling is switched off or unavailable. Please leave a message after the tone.
Dammit. The resounding beep rang in her ear.
‘Flynn. It’s me. Ellie. Please call me. I know you need time, but I’m worried about you. I’m sorry, so sorry. I just need to know you’re okay.’ She hung up. Her message sounded clichéd, but she really didn’t know what else to say. As she thought about this, her mobile began to ring and vibrate in her hand. She answered without a glance at the caller ID. ‘Flynn?’ She was past caring about sounding desperate.
‘No, Dwayne,’ said the voice, with a slight chuckle.
‘Oh, hi Dwayne.’ Ellie’s heart sank.
‘Sorry to disappoint. I was just calling to see how you were after the funeral.’
‘You’re not a disappointment,’ Ellie assured him, ‘it’s just …’ Dwayne didn’t take his percentage for listening to her woes. She stood straight and tall and adopted her most professional voice. ‘Thank you for the call. I’m doing okay, just tired.’ She thought she sounded like a broken record with the tired line, but it was true. Emotionally, she was exhausted.
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