by Roddy Doyle
Bertie Rev up, you. —We’re not going to let —fuckin’ this come between us now, are we? Not after all these years, are we?
George No.
Bertie Good man.
George (an excuse to get away) —Eh, the jacks.
Bertie Off yeh go.
George gets up and goes to the Gents. Bertie raises his eyes to heaven, to Briget. Sandra enters. Lorraine looks around. She sees Gary. Gary sees her, and salutes her, John Wayne-style. Lorraine turns away from him quickly.
Lorraine Jesus!
Yvonne Wha’?
(Sees Gary looking.) Jesus.
Lorraine and Yvonne laugh.
Denis Righ’.We’ve a few changes at the top at this point, I think. —Yeah; hang on.
Sandra puts a pint of Guinness and two of the Harvey Wallbangers on her tray. George comes out of the Gents.
Sandra (holding up the third Harvey W.) She’s changed her mind. She says can she have a Persian Sunset instead.
Denis —Yeah. —Sorry ’bout this.
Leo pours some blackcurrant cordial into the Harvey Wallbanger and replaces the little umbrella with a bigger one.
Leo Now.
Sandra exits. George leans over and says something softly to Leo. Niamh (slightly desperate) It’s good enough fun, isn’t it?
Dermot Yeah.
(Indicating the scoreboard.) We’re doin’ well.
Denis Yeah; right —.
Niamh The girls are great, aren’t they?
Dermot Yeah, yeah.
(Embarrassed ; after glancing around.) Not a patch on you though.
Niamh (loving it) Ah, feck off.
The team members drift back to their places.
In the Kitchen Briget clears the jigsaw from the table, and exits.
Denis I’m really sorry about all the time it’s taking to —but Rosemary —
Angela We know!
Denis (after sniffing his contempt) After Round Four there’s — five teams in third place neck and neck. Table numbers 1, 29, 31, 37 —
Gary Yes!
Denis —and 38.
Lorraine Jesus!
Yvonne’s team is very pleased. Sandra enters, and puts four pints of Guinness on her tray.
George Well done, Yvonne.
Features Very good, yeah.
Denis One team is in second by themselves, one point ahead. Table number 17. An’ Table number 11 are still leadin’, but only by one an’ that’s not what you’d call a commanding lead so there’s still everything to play for.
Martin (wincing) Will yeh listen to that gobshite.
Denis Righ’; back to the part of the quiz I’m good at — (waits to be insulted.) — the questions.
Denis waits to be insulted again. Noel enters, looking happy with himself. He winks at Tommy and Bertie. Dermot and Niamh head back to their table. Briget enters the Kitchen. She is wearing a dressing-gown over a nightie, and slippers. She wipes the table, and does a bit of tidying.
Niamh (enthusiastic; as they reach their seats) Did you see wha’ the prizes are; kettle-jugs.
Dermot (humorously scornful) Oh brilliant!
Niamh looks a little hurt, and lost. She looks to see if Yvonne noticed.
Yvonne (sweetly) Hiyis. Were yis off dancin’?
Dermot stares her out of it. She stares back.
George (to his team) Righ’, come on. There wasn’t too much damage done there.
Bertie (to his team) Heads down, compadres.
Denis Round Five. Table numbers on your answer sheets, please.
George (to his team) No fuckin’ around this round, righ’.
Sandra (putting the pints on Bertie’s table) They’re from Mr IFinnegan.
George’s team looks as shocked as Bertie’s. Noel studies the pint, for poison.
Angela Thanks very much.
Bertie Si, George! Mucho.
George No problem.
Denis Question Number One —
George (quietly, to his team) I’m lullin’ the cunts into a false sense of security.
Denis (as the lights go down) Wha’ well known singer —
The teams huddle.
Noel This is me.
Angela scoffs.
Denis Wha’ well known singer and accordion player —
Noel (disappointed and frustrated) Ah, Jaysis.
Lights fade.
SCENE SIX — THE KITCHEN
Groucho goes ‘La la laa —La la laa’.
It is morning, just after breakfast; a few days before the quiz. The radio is on, softly. Briget has cleared and wiped the table, leaving only George’s mug. There is a milk bottle on the worktop. She puts on the kettle. She sniffs, bends down and picks up the cat’s biscuit tin; and carries it offstage. She re-enters quickly, takes the milk bottle from the worktop and tops up the cat’s milk.
Briget (to herself) Doesn’t deserve it, the dirty so an’ so.
George enters, from stage-left, dressed for work. There is a piece of paper covering a cut on his chin. He touches it carefully now and again to make sure that it’s still there. He’s in mean mood, and he’s annoyed to see that the table has been cleared.
George Where’s me plate?
Briget straightens up.
George There was a good bit o’ rasher still —
Briget (taking no nonsense) There was not.
George sits down at the table and takes out a sheet of paper and a biro.
Briget takes a letter from her dressing-gown pocket, and re-reads it. It is a reminder from the school that the children’s registration fee is due.
George (to offstage) Yvonne!
Briget You shouldn’t wait for her.
George (unwilling to discuss) Ah.
(Muttering loudly; looking at the list.) I’m not goin’ to bother with the Lebanon annymore; fuck it.
Briget wants to talk to George about the letter.
Briget (as if for the third or fourth time) What abou’ this?
George Yeh only have them learnt when one o’ them gets shot or blown up.
Briget George?
George (whispering) Sunni Moslems, Shia Muslims, Druze.
(To Briget) Wha’?
(Before she can speak.) Is your man, Wally Jumblatt still alive?
Briget Wha’? Oh, I don’t know.
George (before Briget can say more) Haven’t heard of him in a good while. I’d say he’s dead; wha’ d’yeh think?
Briget says nothing.
George Great fuckin’ help you are.
(Crossing Jumblatt’s name off, and standing.) Dead. Pity.
Yvonne!! —He was the easiest one to remember.
Briget Never mind abou’ Wally Jumblatt.
(Re the letter.) What’ll we do about this?
George goes to the fridge.
George (dismissive) I don’t know!
He opens the fridge and takes out his tinfoiled sandwiches.
George (warily; re the sandwiches) What are they?
Briget Ham.
George (relaxing) Don’t worry about it.
Briget It’s thirty-five pound!
George We haven’t got it.
Briget I know, but —.
George Not for tha’ annyway.
Briget (not too ready to agree) —Yeah.
George Well then, what’s your problem?
Briget We still have to —
(Turns off the radio.) We have to pay it.
George We didn’t pay it the last time.
Briget Cos you weren’t workin’. I went up an’ —
George Go up again.
Briget You’re workin’ now.
George They don’t know tha’, do they?
Briget Now, look —
George Don’t fuckin’ ‘Now look’ me.
Briget (determined to finish) —I’m not havin’ Gavin an’ Joanne an’ Derek tellin’ their teachers tha‘ they can’t pay their registration money cos their daddy’s on the labour. Because you’re not.
George (exasperated) Ah.
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(Unwilling to concede defeat.) It’s supposed to be free fuckin’ education.
Briget That’s not the point.
George (saying this to kill the discussion) It is the fuckin’ point. It is the fuckin’ point! —Yvonne!!
Briget You’re just bein’ —.
(Giving up; resigned.) Will I tell Gavin to say tha’ we’ll pay it in instalments?
George (interrupting Briget; unwilling to agree to anything) Tell him what yeh want.
(Less aggressive; handing over the responsibility.) Do what’s best.
Briget stands there, and ‘gathers’ herself.
Briget (shrugging; unhappy) ____Okay.
George Look it; sorry, righ’. — I’ve —
Briget (sardonic) The situation in the Lebanon’s gettin’ yeh down, is it?
George (pointing at Briget) Don’t start your fuckin’ —.
Yvonne enters, and George stops pointing.
Yvonne Hiyis.
She opens the fridge, takes out a carrot, and puts it in her handbag.
George Good girl.
(Grimly cheerful.) ‘Bout bleedin’ time.
Yvonne (to Briget) Gavin’s still in bed.
George Is he?; by Jaysis.
(Exiting; doing his bit.) Stay where y’are, Briget. I’ll get him up for yeh.
(Offstage.) Here; Gavin —!
Briget (remembering) It’s a holy day.
(Running after George.) Yeh bitch yeh, Yvonne. It’s a holy day.
(Offstage.) It’s alrigh’, George.
Yvonne (indignant; self-pitying) I ,didn’t do ann‘thin’.
Lights fade.
SCENE SEVEN — THE QUIZ
Groucho goes ‘La la laa —La la laa’.
It is nearly 10.00 pm; during Round Six.
George and Yvonne are back at their tables. Gary is drunk. Yvonne’s team are going to be drunk. Leo and Sandra are offstage.
Bertie (aloud, for all to hear) Cliff Richard.
All laugh, except Denis; George reluctantly, and Martin with difficulty. Sandra enters in a hurry. The teams onstage huddle together and try to think of the answer.
Sandra (indicating a far corner, offstage) They can’t hear yeh.
Denis (annoyed at first) Some people didn’t hear me properly there so I’ll have to give yis tha’ question again in its entirety.
Yvonne’s team think they’re near the answer.
Yvonne (agreeing; recognising) Oh yeah.
Niamh She was in tha’ Dusty Springfield song.
Denis Christine Keeler was one of the women involved in the notorious Profumo Scandal. Who was the other one?
The teams laugh softly again, Gary louder than the rest; remembering Bertie’s answer. Leo enters, takes some pints from under the taps, bends down, holds some packets of crisps in his mouth, and exits with the pints and crisps.
Angela Your woman with the ha’ like a bathing cap. Ah, wha’ was her fuckin’ name!
Martin whispers the answer to George, who writes it down.
George Good man.
(Looking across at Bertie’s team as he writes.) Sound.
Features (looking around, pleased) None o’ the others know it.
Noel Mandy somethin’.
Bertie Si!
Angela (at the same time as Bertie) Yes!
Bertie’s team are pleased that they’re close, but annoyed that they haven’t the full answer yet.
Dermot (close to the answer) Hang on—.
Niamh watches him, confident that he’ll produce the answer; willing him to. George is on the verge of saying something across to Bertie’s team when Gary speaks.
Gary (looking at George’s answer; too loud) Mandy Rice Krispies!
He laughs. George and Martin are furious. Features is embarrassed. The other teams are delighted. Yvonne blows Gary a kiss; then herself and Lorraine and Niamh laugh.
Angela Thanks very much.
Noel That’s very decent of yis, lads.
Sandra is collecting empty glasses.
George Yeh fuckin’ eejit, yeh!
Gary (obviously drunk; but not slurring yet) Ah, come on.
Martin (to Gary; looking at Features) Gobshite.
Features (gently giving out) Gary, now —
Gary Sorry, sorry, sorry; wow.
George (leaning across, threatening to hit Gary) I’ll fuckin’ wow yeh.
Denis Question Number Two.
Features (squashed; defending Gary) Ah now, George —.
Sandra dashes out of the way. Leo enters, and watches to see if anything happens. George eventually straightens up, glaring at Gary.
George (not too enthusiastically) Sorry, Features.
Features Ah, sure.
Martin hasn’t stopped staring at Gary. Gary tries not to, but he belches.
Denis (after staring across at George’s team) Pop.
Noel Here we go.
Yvonne’s team perks up.
Denis What is the name —
Noel (urging quietly) Yes, yes.
Denis What is the name of Nana Mouskouri’s backing grouuup?
Gary Cliff Richard!
He laughs; surprised that the others don’t join in. Martin is thinking about thumping him; looking at Features to see if he’d get away with it. Noel, and Yvonne’s team are disgusted with the question.
Noel (frustrated; annoyed with the question) Ah Jaysis!
Lorraine (across to Denis) She’s not pop.
Denis shows Leo the answer, and Leo looks pleased.
Leo Now.
Noel (to his team) Don’t look at me.
Features (after a bit of thought) The Athenians.
Gary Wha’?
George (writing the answer) Don’t tell him.
(The team leader.) Good man, Features.
Dermot surprises the rest when he takes the pen from Niamh and writes the answer.
Lorraine Jesus!
Dermot (shrugging) My ma an’ da have one of her albums.
Niamh It’s yours.
Dermot It’s not —
They laugh when Dermot realises that Niamh is joking. She leans over and kisses him. Yvonne pretends to vomit, silently; for Lorraine’s entertainment.
Denis Question Number Three.
Bertie Shite. Keep thinking, Tommah.
Tommy Okay.
We see Tommy trying hard to think of the answer, and Noel looking at him scornfully.
Denis Wha’ does —Wha’ does a graphologist do?
Noel (still a bit annoyed) Pull his wire.
Gary (quieter than before; then laughs) Cliff Richard.
George Shut your fuckin’ mouth, you, righ’!
Gary Yessir.
Features wordlessly warns Gary to cop on. Tommy whispers the answer to Bertie.
Bertie Is tha’ righ’?; good man.
Dermot (remembering; business-like) Know it.
Yvonne (to Niamh and Lorraine) Dermot knows it.
George, Martin and Features are huddled. Gary tries to join them but Martin pushes him away, then winces.
Gary Ah, I want to be in the gang.
Angela (looking at the answer) Is tha’ a job!?
Tommy Yeah. It was on the telly.
Noel looks at the answer as if he doesn’t believe Tommy.
George Righ’, come on. Graphologist -Graphs.
Martin Maps, maybe.
George Good.
(Rejecting his own initial response.) —No.
Features Charts.
Martin The weather.
Niamh (indicating Dermot, who is almost angrily embarrassed) He’s great at it, isn’t he?
Lorraine Yeah; nearly as good as he is at dancin’.
Lorraine looks shocked at what she’s just said.
Dermot (pissed off) Don’t start.
Yvonne (to Dermot) Don’t tell her not to start.
A quiet row between the girls starts, of which we only hear snatches.
Denis Question Number Four.
Geo
rge (urgent) Come on, come on—.
Features I’d say Maps.
George You’d say annythin’.
(Unhappy.) —Okay.
Gary I know the answer.
George (eager and hostile) Wha’?
Gary Not tellin’.
Denis Wha’ boxer —
Gary Cliff —
George thumps him hard. Martin picks up his Ballygowan bottle.
Sandra screams. Leo enters and is almost at the table before anything starts. Niamh, Lorraine and Yvonne are arguing quietly while the action below occurs. Dermot looks at the row at George’s table.
Niamh (to Yvonne) Yis are.
Yvonne We’re not, Niamh. I’m not annyway.
Lorraine (annoyed) Fuck off, Yvonne.
Leo (to George and Gary) None o’ that now.
Leo takes up George and Gary’s glasses.
George (breathing hard and pointing at Gary) —You—.
Noel Cop on over there, will yis.
George Shut your fuckin’ mouth, you.
Bertie (gently but firmly giving out) George.
Gary looks scared for a second. George relaxes a bit. Martin feels foolish with the bottle in his hand.
Features Sandra; while you’re there, love. Two pints an’ a Ballier. No Budweiser though.
(To Gary.) You’re grounded, son.
Gary tries to look indifferent.
Sandra (to Features) Okay.
Lorraine I didn’t do annythin’!
Denis (very indignant) Leo?
Leo Denis?
George Give us me pint back, Leo.
Denis Can I continue, please?
Leo (putting the pints back on the table) Fire away, Denis.
(To George.) See now; you’re upsetting poor Denis.
George (still annoyed) Fuck’m.
Bertie Come on, Denis. Andele.
Dermot (carefully) Come on. We’re doin’ great.
Lorraine (sardonically) Yippee.
There is a hostile truce at Yvonne’s table. Lorraine looks the most put-out, and shifts further away from the rest.