by Roddy Doyle
Briget looks at George, trying to see what’s wrong with him; not wanting to start a row.
Briget (after a pause; attempting cheerfulness) Are yeh ready to go out?
George I haven’t heard yeh laughin’ like that in ages.
Briget (reasonably) Ah, yeh have.
George (as if out of nowhere) He’s not to come into the house again, righ’.
Briget Wha’?
George Fuckin’ Randolph Scott. I don’t want to see him in here, righ’.
Briget (lost) Tommy!?
George Yeah! Tommy! Buy a fuckin’ shears.
Briget What’s wrong with yeh?
George (not answering) What’re yeh dressed up for?
Briget We’re goin’ out.
George looks at her as if he knows why she’s really dressed up.
Briget (seeing his look) Ah now, hang on. Cop on, George. Tommy!?
(Attempting humour.) Jesus, don’t insult me.
By now George has made himself feel wronged and justifiably sorry for himself.
Briget (aggressive, but worried) What’s wrong with yeh?
George (moving to beside Briget) There’s nothin’ wrong with me. With me.
Briget (getting up) I’m not listenin’ to this. Yeh eejit.
George pushes her back down, and immediately feels a bit thick. But when Briget insists on trying to get up again he pushes her back down, really losing his temper.
Briget (trying to remove George’s hand) Let me up, George.
George grabs one of the golf clubs, but puts it back down. He clenches his free fist.
Briget (frightened; angry) Leave me alone!
George I’ll kill yeh; I’ll split your fuckin’ head for yeh!
Briget (terrified) Don’t hit me!
George stands over Briget for a while, breathing deeply, feeling a bit foolish, and embarrassed, guilty; but also thinking that she was looking
for it. Briget is afraid to look up. George steps away.
George —Righ’. —Do yourself up.
Briget wipes her eyes.
Briget (quietly; carefully, but determined) You don’t think tha’ at all. Sure yeh don’t?
George (aggressive, but a bit guilty) Wha’?
Briget Me an’ Tommy —.
George (not very loud) Shut up, will yeh.
Briget Jesus. You know fuckin’ well I wouldn’t —.
George (still aggressive and guilty) D’yeh want me to hit yeh; is that it?
Briget It’s just an excuse.
George (sneering; hiding behind it) Is it?
Briget Yeah. It is.
George (scoffing) Shut up.
Briget I’m sick of it.
George Are yeh?
Briget Yeah, I am. You’ve some fuckin’ neck, you have. —It’s always the same.
George Shut up.
Briget Always, it is. When I wanted tha’ job. When —when I wanted to go to Liverpool with the girls. When I did tha’ English night class.
(Triumphantly.) An’ I passed it, yeh bastard. Even when I just have a bit o’ crack with someone else, yeh put me down.
George Shut your fuckin’ mouth, will yeh.
Briget Always, yeh put me down. Yeh do, George. Even for laughin’ at Tommy, because it wasn’t you. Cos you’re afraid I’ll—
George stands closer to Briget, over her. He clenches his fist and draws it back.
George Shut up!
Briget half screams, and cowers. George relaxes, and steps back; and hitches up his trousers.
George (after sniffing; quietly gruff) Righ’. Come on. —Let’s go; come on.
Briget (standing; not looking at George) I will not. I’m not stayin’ here.
(Vaguely.) I’m goin’.
George (digging into his pocket and putting his money on the table) Here. Here. Here’s your bus fare for yeh, look it. Go on —. Go.
Briget (picking up the money,; fumbling) I will. You’re not goin’ to bully me.
George (after a slight pause) I just did.
Lights fade.
SCENE THREE — THE QUIZ
Groucho sings ‘La la laa —la la laa’.
It is 10.55; just before the start of Round Ten.
The Kitchen is empty and George is back at his place in the Pub. The teams and the other pub characters are as they were at the end of Scene
Two. Lorraine is drunker than Yvonne. Dermot is beginning to look a bit creased. Denis is reading the answer to the last question in Round Nine. George is looking into his pint, shaking his head; grieving.
Denis An’ the aristocratic lady tha’ sent the, eh —unusual present to Lord Byron —
Lorraine (as she works with Yvonne and Dermot) Slut.
Denis —was, of course, Lady Caroline Lamb.
Martin (contemptuous) Who was she!?
Angela (waving to Sandra) Four pints, Sandra love.
Sandra Righ’.
Leo has put the pints on her tray when she turns to give the order. Sandra Four —Oh Jesus!
Leo Now.
Yvonne Hey Leo; are yeh givin’ us annythin’ for doin’ this?
Noel (to Tommy and Bertie) Know wha’ I’d give her.
Angela (scoffing) A good laugh.
Leo (to Yvonne) Ah now.
He puts three packets of crisps on the counter.
Yvonne (insulted; disappointed) Ah Jesus.
Lorraine (indignant) Don’t touch them, Yvonne.
Yvonne (taking up her pack) Better than nothin’.
Denis (supervised by Dermot; pleased) Righ’. —The scores as we go into the last and final round are —
The teams listen; George still staring at the table.
Denis Table 11 are in third place by themselves but they’ve fallen back a bit. Come on now, lads. Yis have thirty-six points; two behind Table 36, so it’s not over yet. Yeah —Table 36 are in second with thirty-eight. An’ Table 37 are still in the lead, but only by one point: thirty-nine. An’ that’s top class scoring. —Righ —.
George sits up during Denis’s rundown of the scores: he’s confused. So are Features and Martin. They should be level with Bertie’s team.
Features (very quietly) We should be level.
George (out of the side of his mouth; afraid of being heard) Is he after makin’ a bollix of it?
Features Don’t know —.
George is trying not to look too pleased, in case the point is taken back off them.
Martin (tense; excited) I need a Ballier. —Sandra.
Bertie Lady Caroline Lamb. That’s your woman with the ears tha’ works in the chipper, isn’t it?
George (torn between fury and delight) Yeh cunt yeh, Bertie. (Not quite believing his luck; hardly able to stay sitting.) We’re still winnin’.
Martin (to Sandra) A Ballier, two pints an’ —
(Looking at Gary.) —that’s all.
Denis Righ’. Round Ten.
George No; here. Come here. No drink till after.
Martin It’s only water.
George We’re a team. If we’re not drinkin‘ you’re not fuckin’ drinkin’.
Sandra (going) Please yourselves. I know where I’m not wanted.
George Righ’; come on. We have it for the takin’. Come on. (To Gary; sternly.) You as well.
Features is pleased to see Gary back in the fold, and so is Gary, though he tries not to show it.
Denis Righ’. Just before we enter the final phase of the competition I’d like to thank yis all on behalf o’ the Barrytown Wheclies for comin’ out an’ supportin’ us tonight. It’s the last quiz I’ll be in charge of, so —
Eyes are raised to heaven and secret grins are exchanged: they’ve heard Denis say this before.
Noel Yeah yeah yeah.
Denis —I want to —
Leo Closing time now, Denis.
Denis (after a deep breath) Righ’; last round. Here we go.
Bertie (pretending nonchalance) We don’t really need a new kettle but, sure —.
George (who isn’t really following his advice) Don’t listen to them.
Angela Yen don’t want F-Troop to win them, do yeh?
George (to Angela) If you win one the Vincent De Paul’ll take back your old one.
Denis Question Number One.
Angela An’ they’ll take back your clothes while they’re at it.
Martin Yeah; an’ give them to you.
Denis What was the name —
George Don’t listen to them.
Denis Are yis listenin’!?
George (to Denis; aggressively defensive) It wasn’t us. It was Winnie Mandela over there. An’ fuckin’ Stompie.
Bertie (laughing) I’ll stompie his bollix for him.
Denis (to himself; promising his retirement) —Dennitely —. Wha’ was the name of the actor tha’ played ‘Robin’ in the very popular nineteen sixties cult crime—?
George (interrupting Denis) We know!
(Less loudly.) Jaysis; what else could Robin’ve been in? ‘The fuckin’ Riordans’!?
(To his team.) Righ’; who was it?
Denis (livid; determined to finish) — series, ‘Batman’!
Leo Good man, Denis.
Gary leans over, and whispers the answer. George nods his thanks grudgingly.
Tommy Burt Ward.
Noel No; Dick Grayson.
Tommy No; that’s his name in —
Noel Look; I’m a fan, righ’.
Berde (writing down) Burt Ward.
Angela Definitely.
Denis Question Number Two.
George (trying to be cheerful) Four to go only.
(To Gary.) You’re sure about’ tha’ one now?
Gary Yep.
George (afraid to contemplate victory; willing Denis) Come on. Denis Who is the guitarist —
Noel (sitting up; to his team) Red alert, red alert.
George (worried and sardonic) Hope he’s not commercial.
Denis Who is the guitarist with the very popular grouuup, The Smiths?
Gary (announces; determined to advertise his knowledge) They broke up years ago.
George Yeh fuckin’ eejit, yeh!
Gary They did.
Leo (seeing Denis beginning to panic) ‘Was’, Denis.
Denis Was the name of the guitarist.
Gary leans over and tries to give George the answer but George won’t meet him halfway.
Yvonne Do yeh know it, Dermot?
(Leaning much closer to him; which surprises him.) Tell us it.
Lorraine (imitating Yvonne) Tell us it.
Yvonne gives Lorraine the fingers without looking at her. Lorraine puts an empty crisp bag over Yvonne’s hand.
Gary D‘you want to know the fuckin’ answer or don’t you? I mean, I know it; yeah?
George (drowning the urge to kill Gary) —Wha’ is it?
Denis Question Number Three.
Gary leans over and whispers.
George (muttering) Fuckin’ better be.
Noel Em, —I knew it before they broke up.
Denis Who painted —
Noel It’s somethin’, eh —.
Bertie (angry) I speet on somethin’.
Denis Who painted the world-famous painting, ‘Guernica’?
George (seeing the row at the next table) We’re two ahead. —Who was it?
They don’t know. They think hard. Gary thinks that he should know the answer.
Martin (muttering) Can’t be tha’ fuckin’ famous.
Angela knows the answer, and whispers it to Bertie.
Bertie Si!
(Whispering across to George’s table.) Picasso, Picasso, Picasso.
George (trying to think; about to confer) Fuck off —Fuck off — Fuck off!
Leo (warningly) Now!
Denis Question Number Four.
George (aggressively pleading) We need more time, Denis. We’re bein’ put off over here.
Noel You should change your socks more often then.
Martin Fuck off, Larry Gogan.
This insult takes a lot out of Martin.
George We need more time, Leo.
Denis I’m in charge.
Bertie Well said, compadre.
Denis Question Number —
Yvonne Ah, that’s not fair.
Denis Four.
Yvonne Yeh can do your own addin’ then. —Yeh thick.
Yvonne goes back to her table, bringing Dermot and Lorraine with her.
Lorraine (being dragged) Jesus, Yvonne!
George (distressed; furious; fearing defeat) Shite! Me head’s gone empty.
Features (mildly giving out) Ah God, George. Yeh always fall for it.
Denis What are —
Features (comforting George) One ahead still.
George (trying to shake himself) —Yeah.
Denis What are peptic, gastric and duodenal varieties of?
Martin (nearly choking on a mouthful of Ballier) Jaysis!
Gary knows the answer as well but Martin gets to George before he does, and whispers the answer.
George Good man!
(As he writes.) Sound.
(Confident again; rubbing his hands.) Yaah —hah —!
(Suddenly worried again.) Come on. Last one.
George’s team tries not to celebrate too early.
Lorraine (to Yvonne and Dermot) Wha’ are they? Yvonne Don’t know. Do you, Dermot?
Dermot Eh, -no.
Yvonne Do yeh not? Jesus.
Lorraine and Yvonne laugh.
Bertie (coming out of a team huddle; writing; loud) Spuds.
Features (not too sure) They don’t know it.
George He’s messin’, the cunt.
Denis Last question.
George Last question.
Yvonne Come on, Daddy.
George Fuck —! —Shhh, love.
Yvonne (whisper-roars) Come on, Daddy!
Denis What arm —
George Jaysis, I can feel me heart.
(Quietly.) Come on, yeh cunt.
Denis (after a longer delay) What arm an’ eye did Admiral Nelson lose?
Noel His own.
Bertie’s team laughs and then gets down to business. Angela takes the pen from Bertie.
George Righ’ or left—.
Features closes one eye and puts a hand inside his sleeve. Features I’d say the righ’.
Martin One of each —.
George No. —Which?
No one is prepared to give the answer.
George (taking a coin from his pocket) Ah here, fuck it. Heads the righ’.
Denis Sandra will now collect your answers.
(To Yvonne’s team.) Will yis help her?
Yvonne (pulling Lorraine back down) No.
George tosses the coin. No one is willing to say which.
George Do I have to do everything —Heads.
(Looking down at the coin.) Heads.
(Writing.) The righ’. —Maybe though —No, fuck it.
George smiles and shakes hands with his team.
George We did our best annyway, wha’.
Martin (getting up) Fuck the ulcer. I’m havin’ a pint.
Enter Sandra with a bundle of answers. Angela gives Sandra her answer sheet.
George (to Sandra; not too harshly) It’s the spy who came in from the cold.
Sandra Ah, snap ou’ of it, Mister Finnegan.
Denis I’m on my own again, —
(Glaring across at Yvonne who glares back.) So I’ll give yis the final answers before I do the addin’ up.
George This is it.
Denis Robin was played by —Burt Ward.
George Yeow!
(Worried again.) Shhh! Shhh!
George glances across to see if Bertie’s team got the right answer.
Bertie (meeting George’s glance; coldly) Si.
Denis The Smith’s guitarist, eh, used to be Johnny Marr.
George Yeow!
George gives Gary the thumbs-up.
Noel (disgust
ed with himself) Yeh fuckin’ eejit, Noel.
George Two ahead. Come on, Denis.
Denis Picasso painted —‘Guernica’.
Bertie’s team congratulates Angela.
Bertie (to George’s team) Did yis get tha’ one, lads?
Features wants to point out that Bertie had given them the right answer, but decides not to. George and Martin are about to explode.
George (steadying himself) Okay, okay. Still one.
Denis Peptic, gastric and duodenal are, of course, varieties of —ulcers.
George Yess!
George looks desperately across at Bertie’s table.
Angela (to George) Me daddy has one of each o’ them.
George Fuck. —One ahead still. Last one. Oh Jesus —.
Denis Admiral Nelson lost his right —
George is up out of his seat.
Denis —arm an’ his —
George sits back down, ready to jump up again; in agony.
Denis —right eye.
George lifts his hands to heaven; a religious moment. The others are overjoyed; even Gary. Bertie’s team look on contemptuously and enviously. Bertie checks that his gun is loaded. Dermot puts his arm around Yvonne. She looks at it, and shrugs, indifferent.
George (to Bertie) Gotcha, compadre.
(To Features.) Three years, wha’.
George punches the air.
Martin I think me ulcer’s fucked off.
Denis (innocently) I’ll need two rights in tha’ last answer. One for his arm an’ one for his eye.
George (confused) Wha’?
(Realising; like a question.) One’ll do yeh, Denis.
Denis (to himself; as in ‘not again’) Oh no.
(To the public.) No.
George (standing up) Ah Jaysis—.
Gary That’s crazy.
Bertie (quietly to Angela) Did we put down two?
Angela Course we did!
Bertie (to George) Sit down. Sit down there.
George Yeh shouldn’t have to write it twice. It’s not necessary.