Stepping into the shower cell, he knew that he had been insulated since last night from what was happening out there, in the capital city, in the cities of the fifty states. How stunned the American people must be this hour to learn they would have to look up to an outsider, a member of the ten-per-cent black minority of their white country.
It was not the first spray of the shower that chilled him, but the first realization of what had happened and how wildly it would be resented.
He remembered the short poem: “How odd/of God/ to choose/ the Jews.”
He paraphrased it: How odd of God to choose me, to choose one who had already gone high enough, too high for comfort, and had wanted nothing higher for himself, one who wished only to be limited to his legislative height, where reticence and diffidence would still keep him an unresented exhibit that was a sop to the liberal conscience of the North. Then the Chief Justice’s wrenching words of last night came back to him: “may the Lord in Heaven bless you and watch over you . . . as the first Negro . . . President of the United States.”
His limbs felt weak, so weak, and his heart thudded inside its chest cavity. There were a million white men who were right for the job. There were a thousand black men who would have bravely and defiantly welcomed the Godsent opportunity, and called it God-sent. Yet something, something, had gone wrong Up There. The Lord had poked His heavenly finger at the wrong name, and now it was too late. He wanted to rebuke the Maker for His blunder, and then, strangely—out of respect to the memory of his mother and father and aunts in the Midwest earth, out of fear of the hellfire that had been sounded in that old Michigan church in the room behind the broken-down social club, when he was in knee pants—he was humble before that God and the Son of God; and his bitterness and fear, really it was deep-down cringing fear, turned to shame. This was no place for kneeling, but when there was the time and the place, he would beg forgiveness and beg for help.
Yet, Jesus, Jesus, why did it have to be himself, Douglass Dilman, who was not white and who was afraid of being black, and who was without armor or grace?
Then as the shower’s liquid needles, warmer now, hit his chest, and the foam ran down his stomach and thighs, and as he absently rubbed himself with the soapy cloth and allowed the stream of water to dissolve the soap, he thought that his position, despite his secret inadequacy, was not entirely bad. His mind went backward to last night, or the early hours of the morning, when the White House limousine had taken him home. What had happened then was, in retrospect, heartening.
When he had become a member of the House of Representatives, he had leased the upstairs front apartment of a red brick, two-story apartment building between Georgia Avenue and Sixteenth Street. The three rooms and kitchenette, modest and clean, had been sufficent to serve his widower existence. The location had been comfortably in the midst of a onetime white neighborhood, now occupied by upper-class Negroes. But the apartment had soon become too small for him. Senator Espinosa, who had grown senile and disabled, had resigned two-thirds of the way through his term. The Governor of Dilman’s state, to strengthen his position with his vast Negro voting population—which had trebled with the influx of colored families from the South—and with the liberal union leaders, had appointed Dilman to Espinosa’s vacant office for the two years remaining. Dilman as Senator had found himself, briefly, a rara avis. Having left Washington, D.C., to campaign in a preponderantly Negro district for his fifth House term, he had returned to Washington as a Senatorial appointee. One of the few Negroes to achieve so high a seat in government, he had been the subject of lead articles in such magazines as Life, Look, Time, and Newsweek, and he had made the covers of Ebony and Sepia. He had vaguely felt a freak and been discomfited, but, encouraged by the Party bosses, he had cooperated with one and all.
It had been during this transitional period, when he had been the object of so much attention, when his mail had swelled, when he had received callers (mostly political, mostly pressure), that he had decided that his rented apartment could no longer serve him. He had found that the parlor and kitchenette were too cramped, and there was need of a study and library at home. He had begun to search for a larger apartment, but the rents demanded had appalled him. Gradually he had concluded that it might be wisest to buy a house. Washington was, after all, his adopted city, and would likely remain his home for years to come. While he was a senator from his state by appointment, and only for a short period, and while he had no idea if he would be a senator again, he was confident that he could regain his old House seat. And even if that were not possible, he could go into private law practice in the capital city where, with a population 55 per cent Negro, a highly reputed Negro attorney would have enough clients to keep him occupied and secure.
Guided by real estate brokers, he had visited three brownstones in his neighborhood, and in each instance had felt that the house was overpriced and too expensive for his meager savings. The fourth brownstone had come to his attention by chance. Seated one morning behind his desk in the Old Senate Office Building, he had learned that the Reverend Paul Spinger was in his reception room, eager to see him. A visit paid by Spinger was not in itself unusual. Spinger, as director of the largest Negro organization in America, the Crispus Society, had often come to Dilman to discuss civil rights legislation. That morning, as far as Dilman could recall, there had been no immediate business to discuss. He had invited Reverend Spinger in, and the elderly but energetic clergyman-lobbyist had said that the word was around that Dilman wanted to buy a house. If true, he happened to know of a house not yet on the market, whose owner had to sell in a hurry, and which might be bought at a reasonable price, in view of its value as an investment. It was a ten-room, two-story brownstone off Sixteenth Street, on Van Buren N.W., and it was a bargain at $45,000. It was, Spinger had said, a solid, aged abode, that one day could stand remodeling, but was comfortable enough and well located on the fringe of the wealthier Negro section, near Walter Reed General Hospital. Spinger knew about the house in advance, he had said, because he and his wife Rose and a boarder had rented the upstairs for several years. The landlord had lived downstairs. Half jokingly, Spinger hoped that Senator Dilman would consider it. If someone else bought the house, they might require all ten rooms and evict the Spingers. The Senator, Spinger had reasoned, was a widower, with his son in boarding school, and would have no need for more than the downstairs rooms.
Senator Dilman had gone with the clergyman to visit the brownstone, and he had been enchanted by the quiet residential street with its maple trees, the small green front lawn, the walk up to the entry hall, the generous, comfortable rooms and nineteenth-century fixtures. Immediately he had bargained for it and closed the deal. That had been five years ago, more than five years ago, and not one day had Dilman regretted the financial encumbrance. For to this brownstone off Sixteenth Street Dilman owed not only his first real pleasure in having a place where he belonged, but also his enduring relationship with Wanda Gibson, and, because of last night, he owed to this house his first feeling of acceptance as the new and accidental Chief Executive of the United States.
Last night, he thought. And then his memory held on last night.
The feeling of acceptance had come at some time after one o’clock in the morning. As his chauffeured limousine turned into Van Buren Street, Dilman, sandwiched between the Secret Service agents, had become aware of a phenomenon. This was a well-off Negro neighborhood, but a hard-working one, and its inhabitants went to sleep early. The thoroughfare was always blanketed in darkness well before midnight. But last night, after midnight, the street was lighted with illumination from every house, and alive as a Mardi Gras. And then, as they had neared his brownstone, Dilman realized that Van Buren Street was thickly lined on both sides with people, neighbors and others of the capital city, who had come to be the first to set eyes upon America’s new President.
When the limousine had drawn up before his front lawn, and he had emerged, the size of the crowd in attendance had ov
erwhelmed him, almost one thousand persons, he had guessed. The faces, many recognizable, had been mostly black, but there were whites here and there, although Dilman had been unable to discern if they were reporters, Secret Service agents, or simply sensation seekers of the kind who rushed to accidents. As he had walked between the agents to his front door, the applause had begun, then swelled, and there had been cheers. Dilman had paused, deeply moved, and had exhaustedly waved and waved, and then gone inside his house.
He had fallen asleep so quickly, he now supposed, because after the first fear and trepidation, the paralysis induced by change and sudden elevation, he had been warmed by friendship and approval. But now the harsher light of morning was upon him. The soothing blackness was gone. The uncertain whiteness waited.
He shut off the shower, emerged dripping onto the bath mat, quickly dried himself, then went into the bedroom to dress. This was a momentous day, and perhaps he would be expected to attire himself specially for it. He considered his dressiest Sunday black suit, then decided that it would be awkward in the morning. He settled for the charcoal one he had purchased ready-made at Garfinckel’s for his first appearance as temporary presiding officer of the Senate, during the Vice-President’s last trip abroad, six months before his death.
As he dressed himself, his mind compulsively revived one more event of last night, one that had taken place a few minutes before he retired. Sitting on his bed, wondering if the Secret Service men in the living room could hear his voice, he had dialed the Spingers upstairs.
The phone had hardly begun to ring, when it was answered. The voice he had recognized as belonging to Rose Spinger.
“Hello, Rose, I hope I didn’t wake you. This is Doug.”
Her response had been pitched high with excitement. “Oh, Doug, we hoped—heavens, I mustn’t be calling you Doug any more, or even Senator or landlord—”
He had smiled to himself tiredly. “Please, Rose, no formality. Nothing has changed between us. I—”
“Thank you, Doug. Oh, my heavens, to think of it! Did you see us outside in front, in that mob, waving to you?”
“I’m not sure. I saw Wanda for a second.”
“Of course, you would have. We’re all so thrilled. We’re sorry for that accident in Europe, but since it was God’s will, we’re happy you will be there to guide us. We need you, Doug, we all need you, and the Reverend says this is the hand of Providence. . . . Oh, heavens, he’s telling me to be quiet and let you speak to Wanda. All right. Except I want to say for the Reverend and myself, from our hearts, that we wish you strength and courage.”
“Thank you, Rose, I need that.”
“The Reverend went to knock on Wanda’s door. She’s still up. She’ll pick up her phone in a second.”
“I’ll wait. Thanks, Rose.”
In the seconds that he waited, his brain had become alive and projected the early pictures of Wanda Gibson. When he had bought this brownstone five years ago, and while it was still in escrow, he had been invited to dinner by the Springers to celebrate his acquisition. He had met the Spingers before, many times, but always about the Hill, or at Crispus Society affairs, or at parties given by African Embassies near Sheridan Circle. This was the first time that he had accepted an invitation to their home. Twice, as a representative, he had been asked to their dinners, and twice he had declined with fabricated excuses. As a member of the House, he had not wanted to be in the position of having to answer to white colleagues who might charge that, as a Negro, he was being used by the head of the most important Negro organization. His timidity had been ridiculous, he had known, especially since other Negro congressmen and white liberals had attended those dinners in a natural way, and had enjoyed Rose Spinger’s cooking. Thereafter he had told himself that if he was ever invited again, he would accept.
The familiar timidity had assailed him but one more time, just before signing the escrow papers on the brownstone house. He had wondered what those on the Hill would think, once it got out, about a senator owning a house in which he permitted the leader of America’s largest minority pressure group to live. Nobody, apparently, had cared. Perhaps, Dilman thought wryly, because nobody, apparently, cared what he did at any time. In the Senate, until his surprising selection in Party caucus to serve as President pro tempore of the body when Vice-President Porter was out of town or ill, few had seemed aware of his existence. He was one of a hundred names on the roll call, rarely absent, but almost always silent and withdrawn. He made no speeches, gave no interviews, introduced no bills, and he went along with the Party and T. C. and everyone. Even though, after filling Espinosa’s unfinished term as Senator, he had been endorsed by the Party to run on his own (with strong Negro and labor support, against a weak opponent, destroyed by a graft exposé four days before the voting), and he had been re-elected to the Senate on his own, he had felt an interloper.
He had accepted the Spingers’ third invitation to dinner not as a senator but as their landlord, and he had gone unafraid, knowing at last that no one, not even such Southern red-neck mouthpieces as Representative Zeke Miller or Senator Bruce Hankins, cared or gave a damn.
There had been six of them at that intimate dinner at the Spingers’ five years ago, the host and hostess, a colored engineer and his colored teacher wife, himself as the personage and guest of honor, and Wanda Gibson. It had been his initial meeting with Wanda Gibson, and for the first time in the many years since Aldora’s death he had realized that affection and desire within him had not atrophied but had only been sublimated.
Even then, five years ago, Wanda had not been a girl, but a mature woman—a lady, he had always thought of her as being, a lady—of thirty-one. She was a graduate of the University of West Virginia, with economics as her major; and she had worked for her favorite professor in Morgantown and Charleston, and followed the professor, known for his liberal books, to Washington, D.C., when he accepted a government advisory job in the latter part of the Lyndon Johnson administration. When T. C. had become President, and Wanda’s professor had gone back to his university, she had stayed on in Washington. For the last two years she had held a well-paid position as executive secretary to the director of Vaduz Exporters, in nearby Bethesda, Maryland.
From the first, Dilman had known that Wanda was a remarkable find. Her intelligence and wit, her good nature and humor, her well-bred manner, had made it seem incredible that she had not ever been married. As he came to know her better, Dilman had come to understand her avoidance of marriage. Her parents, who had lived in West Virginia, where her father had been a short-order cook, dishwasher, janitor in an all-night diner serving coal miners, had sacrificed much of their comfort, and the futures of her younger brother and sister, to educate and launch her. When first one parent, and then the other, had been hospitalized, and afterward confined to costly sanitarium care, Wanda had accepted full responsibility to support and look after them, not only as daughter but as debtor. She had a burden, and she could not discard it in favor of marriage, for which she was so perfectly suited. But two years ago her father had died, and less than a year before her mother, and at last Wanda had been free to live her own life as her own person.
She had expected him to propose marriage last spring, Dilman knew, and he had not, and it had created, for the first time, an undercurrent of unhappiness between them. She had known that he wanted her for his wife. He had known that he needed her. The proposal was up to him, and yet, while he could profess affection and love, articulate his need for her, he could not bring her from upstairs to his flat downstairs as wife. He had thought about it a thousand times since spring, and had known that the failure was entirely his own. Marriage was an affirmative act, and he had been shackled by countless negative fears. He had tried, time and time again, to narrow in on specific fears, small ones, avoiding the major one, until at last he could see what was left and what in himself taunted him with contempt.
Wanda Gibson was a mulatto. That was the center of it. As a mulatto, she was more whi
te in appearance than black. In most communities she could have passed for white. Her hair, while brunette and curling, was soft and long. Her eyes were light brown, her nose delicate and upturned, and her lips and mouth small. Her figure was trim, well hipped but otherwise slender. She considered herself a colored woman, and she lived as a colored woman. But, for Douglass Dilman, how she regarded herself, and how she approached her life, were not assurances enough.
The nagging cowardice within him, that avoided marriage to the one good companion of his life, was his fear of how she would look beside him and how this would affect his political career. With Wanda as his mate, he would appear blacker. With himself as her mate, she would appear whiter. Whatever the facts and truth, it would give the impression of an interracial marriage. It might not cause talk in Washington and in his home state, but on the other hand it might. It was an unnecessary risk. It would rock the boat in times like this. Or, at least, it might.
Dilman’s solution had been to avoid the issue. The weekly platonic meetings had continued, the Senator and his ladylike lady friend, in the Spinger living room, in the loges of Loew’s Palace Theater, and, ever so occasionally, in the Golden Ox or the Lincoln Inn. Recently, Dilman had become aware, each rendezvous had been less comfortable, less warm and communicative. It was as if they were both present, each desiring the company of the other, but now that she was free of parental commitment and he was temporary presiding chairman of the Senate, there had fallen a thick steel grill between them. You could see; you could hear; you could not touch. You were two, not one, and might never be one, and Wanda Gibson, for all her evenness of temperament and understanding, had begun to resent this failure in Douglass Dilman.
(1964) The Man Page 7