Damaged But Not Broken

by Hearts Collective

  My heels click down the dimly lit hallway and I yelp with surprise as warm arms grab me.

  “Shit. I’m sorry. That was stupid of me,” Blake murmurs.

  “Blake!” I say, too happily.

  The house manager gives us a polite smile. “Three minutes,” he says before disappearing.

  “I just had to wish you good luck. I’ve missed you like crazy,” he says, pulling me into his arms.

  I push him away, though I don’t want to. “Blake, we can’t,” I remind him.

  His eyes are guarded. “Maybe we can,” he challenges.

  “Please don’t tell me you’re still thinking of leaving Savannah.” Even though that’s exactly what I want. And I hate myself for feeling that way.

  “I am thinking of it, and I want us to talk more about it.”

  “Blake! I can’t talk about this now, or even think about it. I need to be onstage in two minutes.”

  I pull my hands out of his, and straighten my shoulders. “Thank you for wishing me good luck,” I say stiffly. “Same to you.”

  “Come on, Paige,” he says, a boyish grin on his face. “Don’t be that way.”

  I roll my eyes, dropping my stiff demeanor. “You’re impossible,” I say, shaking my head and patting his arm.

  I hear him groan behind me, but I’ve already continued down the hallway, my guitar in hand.

  Two minutes later I’m out on stage, and all my thoughts of Blake melt away as I focus on only my music. Of course, not all thoughts drift away, because half of my songs are about Blake one way or the other. Not directly and obviously about him, but I know that they are. I write about what I know and feel, and I only know one kind of love and the rest is hurt, so that’s what I sing about.

  I’ve been working on a new song about the guilt of love, and it’s really coming along, but I’m afraid to debut it, especially if Savannah happens to be in the audience. I might as well put an even bigger target on my back.

  I finish my set to cheers, clapping and whistling. I can't help but grin like an idiot, and I wave goodbye to the crowd and blow them a kiss. I pass Rust as they’re coming on stage and Ben and Ryan both smile at my slyly. I’m no fool – I know they both are trying to get into my pants, but it’s Blake that I really look at. His eyes are smoldering and I feel my body burning under his gaze. He looks so fucking hot tonight.

  Damn him.

  I hurry to put my things away and creep out into the back of the house so I can watch from the bar. Blake sure knows how to sing, and I see the girls in the audience go wild as Blake pours his heart out, his eyes big and soulful. I can’t help feeling myself warm up as I watch him, and I feel desire take over my body until my need for Blake is almost more than I can handle.

  Rust finishes their set and I know I have to get out of the club before my crazy hormones take over and have me doing something that I’ll regret. Just as I’m about to sneak out, I feel a familiar hand on my shoulder.

  “Not so fast,” Blake says in his sexy voice.

  “You were great Blake, like always, but I really need to go,” I plead. I feel like Cinderella trying to escape the ball before midnight. But I’m not going to turn into a pumpkin; I’m going to burst from sexual frustration.

  “Please let’s talk. I’ll walk out with you and we can talk in the car. It’s more private anyway.”

  I’m not so sure that being alone in an enclosed space with Blake is the best choice right now, but I know we need to talk so I reluctantly agree. We head out to my car, and chivalrous as always, Blake puts my guitar in the back and holds the driver’s side door open for me.

  “Thank you,” I say, climbing in. He climbs into the passenger side and pulls the door shut.

  He looks at me again with that burning gaze of his and drags his hand through his hair.

  “Christ, I want to kiss you, but I know I can’t,” he starts.

  “That’s right, you can’t,” I say firmly.

  Blake nods.

  “Have you thought any more about what I said about me leaving Savannah?”

  I take a deep breath. “You leaving Savannah has nothing to do with me. They are two separate things. You leaving Savannah shouldn’t be tied to me.”

  “But it is,” he says angrily, “and I know it shouldn’t be. But I want to leave her so I can be with you.”

  It’s everything I want to hear, but it feels so wrong. Yet, I can’t deny what Blake and I have.

  “I want that, Blake, I really do. I would love nothing more than to be with you. But it feels so wrong. You and Savannah have a history. She’s your fiancé. I think you and I need some distance while you try to sort out your feelings. Would you want to leave Savannah if I hadn’t come back to Nashville?”

  “I don’t know,” he says honestly, “I’d like to think that I would have eventually gotten fed up with her antics.”

  I nod, having assumed that.

  “Well, I think we should just lay low for a bit,” I say, not really sure what else to say.

  “But we haven’t spoken all week!” he says with frustration, “and we go on tour in less than two weeks. We’re going to be together all the time.”

  I swallow hard and nod because I want to see Blake all the time, but I worry about what that will mean.

  “I think we should say good night,” I say softly.

  Blake doesn’t move at first, and then pushes the car door open and jumps out. I think he’s going to slam the door and walk away, but instead he pops his head back in.

  “I love you, okay?” he says, his voice ragged with emotion. “I love you, Paige! I know it’s wrong, I know that I’m supposed to marry Savannah, and I know you’ve been through hell and you’re probably terrified.”

  Before I can even speak, he continues. “But if I don’t tell you now, then when? You need to know and I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t let you know how I feel.”

  I want to throw my arms around him and profess my love for him, but instead my eyes well up. Blake stares at me for a long moment, and I see love, guilt and sadness cross his face. Then he brushes at a single tear on my cheek and walks back into the club.

  THIRTEEN

  Paige

  I Love You Still

  The following days are fraught with guilt, confusion and heart-bursting happiness. I want nothing more than to be with Blake, but I’m feeling awful about the possibility of Blake ending things with Savannah. Even though I don’t care for Savannah in the least, I sure don’t wish that kind of misery on another person. And I’m afraid of what will happen if Blake does end things with Savannah, and she learns that it's because Blake wants to be with me.

  I hope Blake has been doing as much thinking as I have. I can’t deny that I don’t love Blake, too. Because, I’ve loved Blake since I was twelve years old. He is the only person I’ve ever really trusted, and I’ve learned that my high school feelings of love have grown into something deeper and more real than I could ever have imagined.

  I feel safe with Blake, and he knows me. He knows who I was before what happened to me, and he recognizes how I’m different now because of what happened to me but he still cares about me.

  I’m still thinking about Blake as I make my way into the main kitchen for dinner with my daddy. He called earlier to say that he would be home tonight, and he offered to bring home take out from one of my favorite restaurants near his office.

  The kitchen is exceptionally clean, and I forgot that today was the day the housekeeper came by. I pull out some plates, utensils and napkins and go about setting the table. I set out a Fresca for my dad and a Coke for me. Just as I finish setting everything out, I hear my dad coming in the door.

  “Hey Paige,” he calls, nearly stumbling under the weight of the take out bags.

  “Goodness, Daddy! What did you do? Order every dish?”

  “Well, I knew you had a lot of favorites, and I couldn’t decide, so I ordered a bunch.”

  “We’ll never eat all this food!”

  �
��No big deal. I’ll take some in for lunch.”

  I laugh and shake my head. My dad is trying hard, and moments like this make me almost forget about his drinking, and what happened when I was fifteen. I study my dad and wrestle with my complicated emotions; the love that I feel for him, and the awe at getting to really know my father.

  But I can’t ignore the other feelings too. The anger, blame and resentment are there too and I fight to push them aside. It’s hard to look at my dad and care for him while still harboring hateful anger.

  “So, I guess you’re pretty excited about touring with Blake,” my dad says carefully as we dig into the food.

  “Yes,” I say just as carefully. “I don’t think his fiancé is too pleased though.”

  My dad shakes his head. “Yeah, that’s one girl who is hard to tame. I don’t really get what Blake sees in her, besides the obvious.”

  I cock my head to the side; I’m not sure if I want my dad to state the obvious. I quickly wave my hand as if to say that I don’t want to talk about it.

  “Well, I can’t worry about her,” I say, trying to convince myself.

  “That’s right honey, you can’t. You and Blake have both earned this.”

  “I hope so. I hope you haven’t given me this tour just because you’re trying to help me.”

  My dad puts his fork down to look at me. “Paige, sweetie, we’ve been through this. You are supremely talented and you earned this. Your career is on the fast track, and I’m going to make it happen.” He swallows, as if overcome by emotion. “It’s the least I can do,” he says, looking down.

  Daddy has been trying to make things up to me ever since I left Nashville.

  He chuckles, trying to lighten the mood. “I just hope things don’t take off too quickly because I don’t want you leaving home after I just got you back.”

  I smile as we continue eating. It’s nice to know that my Daddy is happy to have me back, even though I’m still unsure if moving to Nashville was the right decision. I wish I could just let go of the past completely, but I’ve come to the realization that what happened to me will forever be a part of who I am.

  And then it dawns on me in the middle of my meal with my daddy, that I can’t stop running from Blake. It’s as if fate has thrown us together, and I can’t keep running from what seems like the inevitable.

  Until I was fifteen, my life seemed to be in sync with Blake and it seemed sure as the sun that we would end up together. But life threw us both a curveball. I don’t want to go as far as to say that everything happens for a reason, because if I could do it all over, I sure as hell wouldn’t go through that horrific nightmare again, but maybe Blake and I wouldn’t have ended up together. Maybe we had to have all those years apart to teach us that we really were meant to be.

  And if we keep finding ways to spend time together, and we somehow both ended up making music and going on the same tour, then maybe we really are meant for one another. Blake is a smart man, and I have to trust that he would not end an engagement without a really damn good reason. That damn good reason being me. And if there’s anything I want more in the world, more than my music, it’s Blake.

  I feel terrible about kissing Blake, and I vow that nothing else will happen between us unless Blake and Savannah really are over. And even then, it’s probably best that we have a little time apart so Blake can adjust. I’ve never been good at relationships, and I’m jumpy just thinking about it, but I know that Blake understands me.

  And once I’ve come to this realization, I suddenly feel lighter. I want to call Blake this very instant, but it’s dinnertime and the last thing I should do is cause more trouble for him by calling when Savannah is home. I force myself to hold my call until the morning.

  It’s a night with little sleep, and I’m lying wide-awake in my bed the next morning wondering when is a safe time to call. I go practically nuts, but I manage to wait until ten o’clock.

  Blake answers on the first ring.

  “Paige!”

  “Hey Blake. Look, I know it's kind of last minute, but I was wondering if we could get together to talk today. I’ve been thinking a lot.”

  He pauses and I know he’s wondering what I’ve been thinking about.

  “Sure, that would be great. I’ve made plans to work on some music with the guys though.” He sounds like he might cancel his plans, but I know he needs to work because we’ve got the tour.

  “Don’t change anything! This won’t take long. Maybe you could swing by real quick before or after.”

  “Sure. Ben and Ryan will be here at one. Would it be too early if I come by in an hour?”

  “Nope, not at all.” I pause. “And Blake?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Don't plan on taking off your clothes. We’re not even going near the pool.”

  He laughs on the other end and it makes my heart leap with happiness.

  “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

  We hang up and I go about picking up my room and getting dressed. I decide that Blake and I can talk in the main living room, because it’s bright and open and far away from the pool or bedroom. Less temptation.

  When Blake shows up an hour later, it’s like being parched and drinking a cool glass of water. I didn’t realize how much I truly missed him until I see him. It’s that feeling of being empty when you don’t even realize it until you’ve been filled again.

  “Hi,” he says huskily, moving to hug me but stopping short. It’s probably best.

  “Hi.”

  I lead him into the living room, feeling strangely formal.

  “Do you want something to drink?” I ask, forgetting to have set out drinks.

  “Nah, I’m fine.” He sits down and looks at me.

  “Okay,” I take a seat and take a deep breath and then start speaking before I chicken out. “So, I wanted you to come over because I need to tell you that I’m tired of pretending that my feelings for you are nothing. I’m not going to tell you to leave Savannah, I can’t do that and I wouldn’t do that. But if you do end your relationship, I’m willing for us to try things again eventually.”

  I hope that doesn’t sound too desperate. I tried to phrase it diplomatically.

  Blake’s face is strangely frozen and then he breaks out into the most amazing smile.

  “Are you serious, Paige?” he asks, smiling ear to ear.

  “Yes,” I laugh.

  He jumps off the couch, shaking his head in amazement. “I really thought you were calling me here to tell me that you just couldn’t consider us ever being together again. To tell me to stay with Savannah and that we would just be friends forever.”

  “No,” I say foolishly, feeling lighter than I can remember. Blake rushes to me and tries to pull me into his arms.

  “No,” I say firmly, backing away. “Nothing is happening between us until you and Savannah end things. And even then, we’re going to take it slowly.” At least we would be on tour, away from Savannah and Nashville.

  Blake’s face falls but he nods. “You’re right. I owe Savannah that.” He becomes quiet for a moment and sits back down on the couch. “I need a few days to do this,” he starts to say and I put my hand up to stop him.

  “Blake, you and Savannah are engaged. It’s none of my business or my place to demand anything. Take as much time as you need. I’m not going anywhere. Do things the right way.” I pause. “Well, at least as tactfully as possible. I’m not a Savannah fan but I don’t want to be intentionally cruel. Maybe it’s best for us to wait for the tour to take things to the next level.”

  Blake nods in agreement. “You’re amazing,” he murmurs, reaching out and squeezing my hand. I squeeze it back, completely certain again of my love for him.

  I stand up, not wanting us to linger for too long. I have music to work on and I know Blake has his band coming over.

  “Right,” Blake says, standing too. “I’ll be in touch.”

  “I know.” I’m not sure what else to say. “Good luck,” I offer, feeling
silly, guilty and happy at the same time.

  Blake grins his boyish grin again and then he’s gone. For the first time, I don’t feel sad when he leaves.

  FOURTEEN

  Blake

  Lucked Out

  I leave Paige in her living room, and I feel amazing as I walk out to my truck. I can’t believe that she actually wants to be with me. I thought for sure that she was going to tell me to stay with Savannah and that we could never be together.

  As I drive back towards the house to get ready for Ben and Ryan, my good mood slowly starts to darken. While my future with Paige seems bright and hopeful, the immediate future of breaking up with Savannah is dark and frightening.

  Savannah is not going to make this easy for me and she certainly isn’t going to take this well. I’m dreading having to end things with her, and I do feel bad because Savannah has been a huge part of my life these past few years. But I feel like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I didn’t realize how much Savannah was actually dragging me down.

  I know we still have about two weeks until our tour, but there’s no way I’m waiting until the last minute to end things with Savannah. I imagine she is going to drag things out, and I steel myself to tell her tonight. I imagine she will move back in with her parents, since the house belongs to me.

  I don’t have time to think anymore, I’m at home and I have to get ready for our music session. We definitely need to clean up some of our new songs and make them performance ready for the tour. And we have a business meeting with Kenny coming up in the next few days.

  I spend the afternoon with Ben and Ryan, playing our music and writing new lyrics. It’s just the kind of distraction I need. The guys sense something is up, but they don’t press the issue. After we work for a few hours, we decide to crack open a few cold beers and head out on the back patio. I lose track of time, and it isn’t until the back door opens that I realize it’s nearly six.