by Randa Lynn
After looking through some of the pictures, I feel like I know a whole new side of Charlie. She has this fun, carefree side she exudes in every single picture with Phoenix. I love it. Love. Shit. I love every side of her, even the sides of herself she doesn’t like very much.
“Hey you,” I slide onto the couch next to her a little while later, draping the blanket over both of us. Her intoxicating body wash permeates the air. “What are you thinking about over here?”
She looks up at me through those long, thick lashes. “Just some stuff.”
“Yeah? What kind of stuff, may I ask?” She just shakes her head, but I want her to talk to me, let me inside that pretty little head of hers. “Talk to me.”
She sighs heavily, sinking further into my arms. “Have you ever been so happy, yet so sad at the same time? Like one half of your heart is fighting against the other half? Or one side of your mind is at war with the other?”
I stop and think about her question for a second before answering. “No. I haven’t. But keep going.” I push her to open up, because bottling all her feelings up inside will only make what she’s feeling worse.
“I don’t know. I mean, I am so happy for Lizzie and Stetson. So extremely happy for them. They will both make the best parents to our niece or nephew.” She takes a deep breath, shaking her head. “But, Slayter… I’m jealous. I’m so jealous of my sister and that unborn baby. How the hell can I be so excited for her but bitter at the same time? It doesn’t make sense.” She cries silently in my chest, and honestly, I have no idea what to say. I’m not her. I haven’t been through the shit she has had to go through. I’ve had my fair share of heartache in losing Claire, but I only lost her. The world didn’t.
Losing Claire hurt more than I could ever explain, but I was able to move on, come to terms with the truth. And the truth is she wasn’t mine. I don’t like it, but I’ve accepted it. Charlie, though, she can’t move on from something she’s trying so desperately to remember. I don’t know what it’s like to not have a single thing in this life to hold on to, not a single memory left to keep me pushing forward. “I’m so ashamed.”
I run my fingers through her hair, trying to calm her racing heart. “Listen to me, okay?” She looks up at me with those green eyes I adore so much. “You can’t help how you feel. And considering what you have had to go through in life, there is no one, and I mean no one, who would be angry with you for feeling the way you do. There is no book on how to feel when your mind and heart are being pulled in different directions. There’s no manual that explains the steps to take to make the two align. And, Charlie?”
“Yeah?”
“Lizzie will be an amazing mother because she has had her mother and you as an example.” A tear trickles down her cheek as she listens to every single truth I spill. I dry the moisture from her cheek with my finger before continuing. “There is not one single doubt in my mind that you were the absolute greatest mother on earth to your little boy. I can see it in the heartache you carry every single day. I can feel it every time I’m around you. You might not remember him, Charlie, but you carry him with you wherever you go. The heart always remembers. Don’t you ever forget how amazing of a mother you were, you are. You never stop being a mother. Just like I never stopped being a son just because my parents died. Phoenix isn’t here,” I put my hand over her beating heart, “but he’ll always, always, be in here.”
She drops her head into me as a sob breaks free from deep within her. I sit there, holding her in my arms as she cries out every bit of heartache and grief she has been bottling up since the other day.
“Hey,” I whisper after she cries her last tear. “Want me to take you to bed? I’m not leaving you tonight. Not when you’re this upset.”
She nods her head and I get up, slipping my arms underneath her body. I carry her to her room, and throw back her black comforter, gently laying her down in the bed.
She looks up at me through sad, desperate eyes. Desperate for what, I don’t know. But she looks like an angel with her arm splayed across her soft stomach, and a sad smile whispering across her face. I know what she needs. She needs to forget. She needs something to take her mind off of everything swirling inside of her mind right now.
I tug down my jeans and pull my shirt over my head before climbing in the bed next to her. Cupping my hand around her face, I brush my thumb across the slightly raised scar. She tries to flinch, but I don’t let her pull away. “No,” I demand, kissing along every perfect inch of that scar. “Let me show you that not everything in life has to be bad. You remember when you asked if I could help you forget you’re dying to remember?” She nods her heads slightly. “Let me do it again. Let me free you from your worries tonight.”
She inhales a big breath of air as I bring my lips down to her neck, kissing away the tension she has built up. My hands make their way to the bottom of her baggy t-shirt and pull it up, my fingers grazing along her exposed skin as I lift it over her head. Bra-less and staring at me with anxious eyes, nothing but a thin pair of lace panties stand between every inch of her bare to me.
Her body.
Her mind.
Her heart.
Her soul.
I want it all.
“Charlie,” I rasp out as I stare down at her. “There isn’t a side of you that I don’t adore. There isn’t a part of your body I don’t cherish. There isn’t a part of me that doesn’t yearn for every single piece of you.” I tug her bottoms down, discarding them on the floor, along with my boxers.
She gasps. Her body shivers as my fingers travel down the smooth plains of her stomach.
“I don’t want you to think. I just want you to release everything. Give all your worries over to me, Charlie. I’ll carry your burdens for you.”
“Slay—”
“Shh,” I cut her off, rubbing my thumb over her clit. “I want you to feel alive. Tonight, it’s you and me. Nobody and nothing else matters right now. Okay?”
“Mm hmm,” she moans.
I stare at her, her face flushed. She’s so damn beautiful. She’s like a stained glass window—full of broken pieces that create a beautiful masterpiece. And I can’t fucking believe that I’m here, with her. I want to say it. I’m dying to say it. That word, it’s there on the tip of my tongue and it’s taking up an entire home in my heart. She takes up home in my heart. I swallow it down, because as right a time it is for me, it’s not for her. I know it isn’t, and I’ll wait forever if I have to. Until she’s ready to give me all of her pieces, I’ll take what she’s willing to give me. Because any piece of her is better than nothing at all.
I make quick work of laying on my back, flipping her over so she’s straddling me. She’s stares down at me, her short her falling around her face, shadowing it. Charlie’s chest moves up and down with every heavy breath she breathes. Her perky breasts jiggle as I position her over my cock, lowering her down inch by satisfying inch. She gasps as I fill her.
“Charlie. Take control,” I demand. “Take control of me.” I want her to own me, do with me what she will. “Tonight, you’ve got me.”
She doesn’t think she controls a single thing in this life, but she does. She’s got more strength than she even knows.
She just needs to believe it.
Charlie puts her palms flat on my stomach, popping her ass up and down in a steady motion. She causes me to nearly lose it as she stares at me, repeatedly sinking down onto my cock.
Her nails start digging into my chest as her slow, steady movements become unbridled.
I let her have me, and have me she fucking does.
Last night I took control. Slayter gave me the reigns and I ran with it. I let myself forget about my colliding feelings towards… well… everything. I don’t know how he does it. He allows me to open up, get all my pent up emotion out of my head, and off of my chest. He allows me to breathe in a world where I’m constantly suffocating.
After the most mind blowing moment I’ve ever had, Slayter held me all
night. Skin to skin, chest to chest. Our heartbeats, they became one, and I realized just how much he has become an integral part of my being. When I’m with him, he makes me feel as if I’m floating. But, when I’m alone, there’s no one there to save me from the tidal wave pulling me under.
Nothing ever lasts, though.
Happiness doesn’t last.
Love doesn’t last.
Life doesn’t last.
And as the sound of a horn starts blaring right outside my apartment, my entire universe stops as a memory starts.
The Disney station blares through my speakers as I make my way to the intersection. The light finally turns green, and I let my foot off the brake pedal. The rain pellets furiously on my windshield as I press on the accelerator and head towards home. I’m crossing through the intersection when suddenly, and without warning, I see a pair of angry bright lights from an eighteen wheeler barrel towards my car.
I have no time to do anything other than yell, “Mommy loves you, Phoenix!” I hope he knows just how true that statement is.
My life feels like a slow-motion movie reel.
The horn starts blaring.
Metal crashes against metal.
The pain, it’s palpable. Excruciating. Then it’s numbing.
My body dangles between life and death.
And everything goes black…
I gasp for air, clutching my hands to my chest.
Collapsing to the floor, the severity of what just rushed back to me smothers me, sucking every bit of oxygen from my lungs. “Phoenix,” I gasp desperately. “Oh God, no. No. No. NO!”
I search the floor for something to throw, something to punch. The first thing I see is my coffee table centerpiece. I pick the ceramic trinket up, slamming it across the room with all my might. It splinters in pieces as it hits the wall.
It doesn’t ease this pain. It doesn’t even touch it.
Those were the last few seconds of my son’s life. Out of all the things in this world, why did that memory come rushing back to me?
The point of impact.
The moment when life went from easy to downright brutal.
The moment everything changed.
“I can’t do this. Please somebody help me,” I beg to anyone, yet no one, all the same.
I close my eyes, the tears breaking through the cracks like an angry river. It’s as if the entire universe has taken up residence on my chest. The weight is crushing me. It’s too much to bear.
I’m not okay. I don’t have control. I have lost every morsel of control I have in this life.
After what could be hours or seconds—time is of no importance anymore—I get the strength to stand up. Stumbling my way to the kitchen, I find the bottle of tequila Slayter left here. I guzzle it straight from the bottle, letting it scorch my throat on the way down. It does nothing.
I need something to numb the pain. I need to not feel.
I’m feeling too much.
Too much pain.
Too much sadness.
Too much anger.
Too much… life.
I close my eyes, and will the memory away. “Go away. GO AWAY!” I cry, beg, plead, and bleed my agony out all over this floor. It’s no use. The memory is as gaping as the wounds left over from that godforsaken day.
It won’t go away. I feel it in my bones. I taste its bitterness on my tongue.
This world—it’s some sick, twisted joke. I’m done playing its game. I’m beyond done. It’s crushing me. I’m suffocating. I’m drowning. And no one can save me from this.
Life.
Death.
What’s the difference when I’m but a dead soul with a beating heart?
In the haze of my tears, I find my clutch on the couch. I open it up with shaky hands; it fumbles to the floor along with all of its contents. I fall to the floor, no longer having the strength to stand. The first thing my eyes pull to is my picture of Phoenix. The one I never go without. The one I cling to when the world feels like it’s crushing me.
I grab the picture and the pills. Holding the picture in one hand, the pills in the other, I look between my trembling hands and I try to decide—life or death?
I guess they’ve always been one in the same for me.
With shaky hands, I open the bottle, and pour every last pill in my hand…
After knocking several times with no answer, I let myself into Charlie’s apartment. As soon as I walk in, an unease settles in the air. The entire apartment is eerily quiet as I make my first steps through the door. No tapping away at the computer, no Charlie humming songs, no TV going in the background. Absolute silence. I walk through the living room and turn my head slightly, caught off guard by the coffee table being misplaced.
Then I see it, and my heart stops.
My life.
My girl.
Motionless on the floor.
I drop everything in my hands, rushing towards Charlie as quickly as I can. I bend down, cradling her head in my arms. A picture falls from her grasp as I examine her. Her skin is pale, her lips turning a shade of blue. I check her pulse, feeling the faintest beat.
Moving on autopilot, unable to think, I just react. I fumble with my phone and finally dial 911.
“Please help!” I beg. My voice is broken, matching every bit of my heart and soul. “My… girlfriend. She… she’s not breathing.”
“Sir, calm down,” the operator instructs. “Can you tell me the location you’re at?”
I rattle off the apartment complex and apartment number as I desperately cradle Charlie in my arms.
“I have your location, and paramedics are on their way.”
“Fucking hurry!” I beg.
“Sir. I need you to calm down,” she repeats. “Does she have a pulse?”
I check her pulse again. “Yes.”
“Good,” she says. “Listen to me. I’m going to walk you through the steps to perform CPR. Can you follow me?”
I nod my head, my eyes never leaving Charlie’s lifeless body. Oh my God. What the fuck did you do, Charlie? “Yes,” I say. “Yes I can.”
I perform CPR, hoping, praying, and begging to God that she doesn’t die. I cannot lose her. Not like this. Not. Like. This.
One, two, three, four… “Come on, Charlie.” …seven, eight, nine… “I’ve got you.” …twelve, thirteen, fourteen. “Breathe!”
The memory will forever haunt me, etched into my memory like a bad tattoo. My heart physically hurts. My soul is crushed.
I never wanted this. Her. But she's crawled her way into my heart, etched her dark little soul into mine, and there's no coming back from that. She's in everything that I am. Everything that I do. And I'll be damned if I let her slip from my fingers this easy.
"You better not die on me, Charlie. Don't you fucking quit on me. You can't. I won't let you."
I'm so fucking angry. I know she's not had it easy, but she can't do this. She can't leave me before I ever get a chance to...
Three light knocks on the wall break me out of my trance. "We need to run some tests on Miss McGee now," the nurse says. "Visiting hours are over as well. You can come back in the morning." She looks between Charlie and me with pity in her eyes as she gives me sad smile.
"Yeah. Okay. Can I have just one second with her? I promise I'll be fast." She nods and steps out of Charlie's ICU cubicle.
I bring my attention back to Charlie. Her beautiful face is covered by tape and the tubes from the life support machine. A knot has been lodged in my throat since I found her. It feels like she's been in this godforsaken coma for weeks. It's not even been a day.
I blink back the tears threatening to fall. I don't cry. I didn't cry when my parents died. I didn't cry when Claire was taken from me. I hurt like hell, but I didn't cry.
But now? Now I'm fucking destroyed. My heart is steadily breaking, ripping away from the spot in my chest where it's supposed to be with every second she's fighting for her life. I lost it when I found her cold, pale body lying on t
he floor clinging to that damn photo of Phoenix. Why did she do it? What happened for her to tip over the edge? Something had to have happened in the hours between when I left her and when I found her. I know she was down, I know she was fighting herself because of her inner struggle, but I thought I got through to her. I thought she was okay. She finally gave herself to me. She didn’t say it, but she didn’t need to. I felt it. I saw it.
"I don't know if you can hear me, or if you even want me here.” My words come out in a choked whisper. “But that part doesn't matter, because I'm not going anywhere as long as you're here. I don't know what the hell happened. I just want you to wake up. I need that. I need you, Charlie. Damnit, don't you give up on me. If you can hear me, I want you to know I love you.” I pause, the lump in my throat growing bigger by the second. “I love you so fucking much it hurts. I regret I never told you before, because if I don’t get a chance to tell you, really tell you when those gorgeous eyes are staring back at me, I don’t know what I’ll do.” I wipe the tears streaming from my eyes. “I know you told me you were incapable of loving anyone. That's okay. I couldn't care less because I'll love you enough for the both of us. The only thing I want... no, the only thing I need, is for you to come back to me. Please come back to me, baby."
I pick up her cold hand and place a kiss along her knuckles. "I've got you, Charlie. I've always got you." I lean up and brush my lips lightly against her head and grab the photo from her side. I look down as Phoenix smiles brightly on an old homemade tire swing. He's smiling so big. He looks so happy. So loved. I bet Charlie was the most incredible mother. I just wish she was able to remember that.
I walk out of her cubicle and turn around at the entrance, staring at her hooked up to the machine breathing for her. My heart physically hurts. It’s fucking crushed, trampled, ruined. “Charlie, you’re so much stronger than you think you are. You have to remember that.” My voice cracks.