by Mollie Gross
The Meat Man at Camp Pendleton caused untold problems for the wives. Before we knew it, our freezers were bursting with strip steaks, ground chuck, and flank steak.
The Meat Man company knew exactly what it was doing, too. It sent in a sexy Aussie to seduce us with his Australian accent. BLIMEY!
I have to admit I bought enough meat that I turned it into my diet plan. Beenie bought half a cow.
Ladies, keep up your guard. Your husbands will not be pleased to hear you paid a couple hundred dollars for meat while he was deployed. Stand tall and don’t answer the door! The Red Cross does not want to get a call reporting that you have exceeded your budget by buying meat from a man on the side of the road.
TEMPTATION
“Mollie, with a sexy Aussie meat man at your front door and a body building teen tending your back yard, weren’t you ever at least tempted?”
OK, ladies, it’s time for me to get real honest.
There was one man I won’t forget. It is well known I am a sucker for a man in uniform, and this one had all the right moves.
The fighting in Fallujah had gotten really bad, which had me stressed. We met when I went out shopping in an attempt to distract myself. I admit I’d gotten really lonely. I couldn’t remember the last time I had a conversation with a man. I was lost, and he was pointing me in the right direction.
That’s when the small talk started, which quickly turned into a conversation. I was so flattered!
He found out where my husband was and what he was doing and said he could relate really well because of his own dangerous job.
All I can say is don’t underestimate mall security. They really take charge and can handle their weapons. I love the way they hassle loitering teens. It’s so masculine.
I’ll never forget Marv. Well, at least that was the name on his belt buckle.
I can close my eyes and see his beautiful strawberry blond hair in a comb over, his rich auburn “molest-ache” tickling his upper lip. I will always think of how for just one afternoon, Marv made me feel wanted again.
Honestly, there’s not much you can do during a deployment to grow and nurture your marriage. Let’s face it, there’s not much opportunity to communicate.
I called deployments, “Riding on my vows”—like a plane on autopilot.
My husband tried to do what he could. He sent flowers on all the major holidays he was gone. He hid cards all over the house, then called or emailed me to go look in secret spots to find them. He emailed or called whenever he could. It was so romantic. But he was still not here.
I received numerous letters during his first deployment, but none during his second. He just couldn’t write me; it was too difficult. His mind was on something else: staying alive and keeping others alive. He was not thinking of the different ways to romance me.
This is going to sound harsh, but our guys don’t need to hear you whining about it. A few times I caught myself whining, but quickly stopped because I knew I was causing a distraction.
If your husband is worried about you, or thinking you are mad at him, how is he going to completely focus on being a Marine? He can’t, because no man wants his lady mad at him. You just need to be smart. Think twice before pouting or sending a whiney email or letter.
Trust your marriage vows and rely on them. I know it gets lonely, but stay around the other wives who are going through the same thing and you’ll be OK.
My best advice? Never, and I mean NEVER, talk about your marriage with another man. I mean it. Not a co-worker, not a neighbor, NO ONE!
You may need to let off steam, but it’s best to go to the other wives, your chaplain, or your therapist.
Men LOVE to make it all better for lonely military wives. Even if you do not have feelings for that man, he will develop feelings for you. I saw it happen over and over.
Overloaded with all the women on base? Call your brother, your dad, or a male cousin. Get a male massage therapist on your next visit to the spa (but don’t talk to him!).
Do not participate in school activities, charity activities, or neighborhood activities with a man—married or not—while your husband is deployed. You’ll find yourself starting to rely on him for things. Without knowing it, you will start to look to him for comfort.
The Marv story is embarrassing enough. Don’t get yourself into trouble.
GETTIN’ BUSY
How can you stay busy during deployments without getting into trouble? You have to get creative.
Avoid embarrassing yourself. Don’t go out drinking every night. It’s fun every now and again to go out with the girls for dinner, but drunken behavior in public can attract trouble. I made a rule I would never drink off base or without one of the wives beside me.
Small rules like this provide comfort to your husband, too. If you establish promises like this before he deploys, you can avoid a lot of fights and insecurities.
Use this time during deployment to learn something new.
Christa had her own company teaching ladies how to scrapbook and make homemade cards. I was very impressed with her creativity as well as her business sense. This was also a great outlet for neighborhood ladies to get together and socialize.
Natalie took up softball and played once a week. She was competitive and was getting lots of physical activity. Since she did this off base, she got to socialize with another group of friends.
Over a period of two years, I watched Autumn learn how to surf and run marathons!
I returned to stand-up comedy. I met an amazing comedy producer, Bill Word, in Orange County, who let me come to his club. He professionally coached me on how to perfect my routine, and made sure I was never harassed or bothered by the male comedians or audience members.
I performed three or four times a week between Orange County and San Diego. It made it easier to get through the nights. I was writing again, and performing! And, it was a positive outlet: all laughs.
One of my lifelong dreams was to be a stand-up comedian—and now I was doing it! Not only was Jon proud of me, but I was also proud of myself! I took the time during Jon’s deployment to achieve that dream.
So ask yourself, what do I want to learn while my husband is gone? Take a cooking or tap-dancing class. Maybe even go back to school. Keep busy so you don’t get bored and get into trouble.
I noticed that the wives who did not have hobbies drank a lot and sank into various stages of depression.
Even if you have kids, you can still have a hobby. It’s possible to find an activity, like bike-riding, that the kids can enjoy with you.
Deployments can be a time of personal growth. You know what they say about idle hands.
Keep busy.
GETTING LEI-ED DURING DEPLOYMENT
Out of desperation, we managed to find a way we could get lei-ed. We threw a luau to celebrate Lauren’s and Natalie’s birthdays.
We got everything Hawaiian, including Hawaiian dresses, decorations, food, and drinks!
We got a kick out of planning and shopping for the party. It kept our spirits up for two weeks straight!
Often we get caught up talking about how many holidays and celebrations our spouses miss every year. It sucks, sure, but who wants to spend another holiday pouting about it?
Find a way to make the holidays special instead of sitting around bitching because your man’s not there to share it. Make the celebration into a girls'-only event.
Our Hawaiian birthday luau was fantastic. And the guys got a kick out of the pictures we sent of us “lei-ing” each other.
MADE UP
As the fighting increased in Iraq, we found it difficult to go into town and deal with civilians. We preferred the comfort of our surroundings, so we found things to keep us busy on base.
We played Bunco once a month, and hosted Mary Kay parties. Those were always a BLAST! Who doesn’t like to be made to look beautiful? It felt so good to have someone do your make-up, especially since wearing make-up and looking good rarely happens when your husband is
gone.
Since we would be covered in make-up with nowhere to go, we’d sit on my back patio and entertain one another. I remember when someone asked me to get out my astrology book, and we read aloud our astrological destinies. Someone would get pissed whenever we agreed with the book’s description of someone’s personality. We all laughed and carried on.
When it was my turn and all my horrible qualities were revealed, I exclaimed, “See ladies, I can’t help it! My quirks and faults are written in the stars!”
Then we would get out the cameras and take glamour shots to send to the boys. Our husbands really appreciated getting pictures of us when we resembled females, and knowing and seeing that we were on base, safe, and making the best of a difficult time.
ALL SKATE
My birthday during Jon’s first deployment sucked. I received calls from family members and friends trying to wish me a happy birthday, but the calls eventually turned to the latest news about the war.
What a great gift! I got about fifteen of those calls in one day.
On the other hand, the girls on base were great. Natalie and Autumn brought over a cake. A few hung out at my house. Still, we were a mess. The war was raging and as much as we tried we could not celebrate my birthday. We were young, newly married, and scared to death.
By the second deployment one year later, though, we knew that life and celebrations must go on.
Natalie conspired with Beenie and Autumn and the next thing I knew we were having a 1980s-themed roller skating birthday party! We were all wearing 80s-style clothes with side ponytails and wristbands. Imagine twenty women with their kids, all dressed in 1980s fashion. It was wild!
When the party started, I received the best gift ever. Michelle had each of her boys come over and give me a birthday kiss. She was taking pictures, but I was not really paying attention.
Suddenly, three-year-old David was Frenching me! I drew back in surprise and said, “Dave, you kissed me with your tongue!”
He started laughing and grabbed my boob.
Michelle is really going to have her hands full in about ten years. It was the only action I had gotten in three months, so I wasn’t complaining.
All of us laced up and hit the rink. We did the Hokey Pokey, the Chicken Dance, and, of course, couples skate. Autumn and I became a “couple” that day.
We were having a wonderful time when I met the boy of my dreams.
Autumn was trying to teach me to skate backwards. She and Michelle had it down, but I couldn’t do it at all.
And here comes Jacob, flying around the corner at 100 miles an hour. Remember this child is five years old and looked like an Olympic skater after three minutes on the floor. Jacob is yelling, “Look at me, Miss Mollie!” The wind off his body blasted me backwards and I fell on my butt.
That’s when my dreamboat arrived—my pre-teen roller-skating lover. A whistle blew and I looked up to see his extended hand.
He was about six feet tall, weighed all of eight-seven pounds, and was one hundred percent bird-chested. He looked kind of like the rapper Eminem, complete with the bleached blond hair.
He was also about fifteen, with braces. The sleeves and sides of his shirt were cut out. With most of his shirt missing, his glistening pecs, complete with a nice patch of peach fuzz, were fully visible.
He lifted me up back to my feet. I thanked him, giggled, and skated off. That opened the door. Then he found out it was my birthday. One of my so-called girlfriends compounded the situation by telling him I was … fifteen.
When he heard this, he exclaimed, “I just turned fifteen, too!” Then it was on. He followed me around for the rest of the day. When I went to get a drink, he jumped over the counter and prepped it himself.
At one point he asked me to couples skate and I did—for about five seconds. Then I started giggling so hard I couldn’t continue and skated off!
I looked up and saw my friends practically peeing in their pants as they laughed at me. How could I resist?
Finally, though, I decided I had to get out of there before he asked me to “go with him.” I couldn’t break his heart. “Gee, I’d love to,” I could tell him, but “not only would I get arrested, but I’m married!”
He can be seen in the background of every one of the photos taken that day.
When the guys came home six months later they decided they wanted to give skating a whirl. I swear to you that when I walked in the door of the rink, the first person I spotted was my “boyfriend.” Natalie cracked up laughing. My husband thought we made the whole thing up!
That’s when we heard my “boyfriend” exclaim loudly to his friend, “She came back!” Natalie couldn’t contain her laughter. It was at that point that Jon realized we had not been lying after all.
I had to break my young lover’s heart that night by skating the whole night with Jon. My fifteen-year-old heartthrob stood on the sidelines wondering why I was skating with my “dad.”
BIRTH PARTNER
Three months after Beenie found out she was pregnant with Grace, Lloyd found out he would be deploying to Iraq. She was nervous, so I volunteered to be the baby’s official Fairy Godmother and Beenie’s birth coach. I promised to be with her every step of the way.
We started a birthing class to prepare for the many stages of pregnancy, as well as the birth process and the days after the baby comes home.
Beenie lived about forty-five minutes away from the base in a nonmilitary town. I drove up once a week to attend the class at the hospital where she would give birth.
On the first day of class we arrived feeling nervous and frazzled. We went to the bathroom before the class started. For some reason I ended up in the handicap stall with Beenie. I think she needed help fastening her outfit or something. We started hamming it up and giggling.
I yelled out, “Beenie, quit trying to show me your boobs. Not here! Wait till we get home.”
I was being my typical self—saying something outrageous just to make her laugh.
When we came out of the stall, there was a line of pregnant women waiting to use the toilet. This was only a slightly uncomfortable moment for us. Once we got to the classroom and settled in, some of the ladies from the restroom waddled into the room.
I’ll admit I was a touch embarrassed. As the class filled up, we realized we were the only girl-girl couple. There were plenty of stares and quick glances.
At this point I was at an in-between phase with my hair. It had been a cute-looking shag, but was now growing out. I didn’t style it that day, which meant it looked like a fierce mullet.
Every set of eyes were evaluating Beenie and me. The women who had heard us in the restroom while we were goofing around were carrying on a whispering campaign.
What were they talking about? Why were they glancing at us?
I felt their eyes burning into us. All the mommies and daddies were sitting there holding hands. By this time Beenie and I were trying a little too hard to act like we were not a couple.
The teacher arrived and I start sweating. Beenie is thinking what I’m thinking: “They all think we’re gay.” The teacher greets us and does the introductions.
Beenie and I were starting to relax while the teacher broke down her syllabus and took a few questions from first-time parents in the room.
I figured I was being a freak: everyone was just as anxious as we were, right?
“Let’s go around the room and the mommies can introduce themselves,” said the teacher. She looked right at me and added “and their partners.”
Oh my God. She didn’t say “daddies.” She said “partners.”
She was attempting to be PC and sensitive to our particular circumstance. Everyone looked directly at us. We knew what they were thinking: “Look at the gays. Aren’t they cute? Look, the little one’s the man. That’s odd.”
I had to let them know what was really going on. When it came to our turn, Beenie went first. She stated her name, how far along she was, and then added, “And this is
my partner, Mollie.”
I interrupted like a frazzled teen busted for drinking on prom night. “I’m her partner! I’m her ‘life partner'! I mean, we aren’t gay or anything. Not that there is anything wrong with being gay. I mean I majored in theater in school. I know a lot of gays. I am just saying that we have husbands.”
The couples were staring at me. I continued: “They’re both in the military right now. They’re both deployed, so I’m helping her have this baby. I mean, she really has a man and he got her pregnant. I didn’t get a turkey baster or anything. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s just we … her and I … are not gay. AT ALL. We love our husbands. They’re Marines…. They’re at war right now.”
Dead silence.
A cricket chirped. Jaws dropped. They kept staring at my dumb ass.
I don’t think I was very convincing, but I had certainly been emphatic. Beenie burst out, laughing her ass off at my expense.
At that point I decided, “Who the hell cares?” Some people dislike the military just like some people dislike gays, so you can never win, especially in California.
Beenie’s laughter broke the ice. After that, many of the couples started asking questions about our spouses and were really sweet. I think they felt bad for Beenie, who was having her first baby alone, and for me, for being a complete idiot.
The class met once a week. Beenie and I learned a lot about childbirth and our friendship. The experience brought us closer together.
One night the teacher encouraged us to sit on mats on the floor. Mommies were supposed to sit in between the legs of their men, who would hug them around the back.
I was really uncomfortable doing this, but not because I had to straddle my best friend. I am only five feet tall with a 27-inch in-seam. The physical act was hard for both of us.
But not because Beenie was not a big pregnant woman, but because she’s at least eight inches taller than me. My legs barely made it around her waist.
We kept tipping backwards and ended up rolling around on the ground. If she tipped backwards, I got trapped beneath her. Besides that, she couldn’t get up and I could not push her off me. Some of the daddies in the class had to help us. We did a lot of laughing in the class.