by Mollie Gross
FIRST KISS
My husband and I had visited his family before he deployed. We talked about how great it would be when he finally came home. His sister kept asking how the reunion works. Then Jon’s mother piped in and exclaimed, “I’m going to be the first one to run up and give him a huge hug and kiss when he gets back.”
That was it. Unable to hold back my anger, I spun around and retorted, “No, you won’t because I will be the first one to see him. After that, we will be up in the bed for at least a week before any of you can come to visit!”
That wasn’t particularly tactful, I admit, but I really needed to make the point. My day-to-day life had been the one most impacted by his absence, and, damn it, I was going to be the first to kiss my man and didn’t want anyone else there for the reunion.
I believe it should have been my husband who addressed this issue with his family instead of making me look like the bad guy. Many families arrange their reunions the same way they do their “goodbyes.”
Since every family is different, you need to be honest and prepare in the same way. Some families with kids want the extended family on hand so they can help with the kids. They plan for mom, dad, grandma, and cousins to be present when their serviceman returns.
In the end, you need to talk about what works best for your family. Jon and I simply didn’t want to be overwhelmed by our extended family.
I recommend sending out an email to friends and family explaining when your husband is coming home. Politely inform them that your husband will be jet-lagged or at least adjusting to being on land again, and will need lots of time to rest during those first few days.
Let them know that he won’t be accepting phone calls, either. The last thing you need to be doing when he first returns home is to exchange small talk with fifty people. You’ll catch some grief for this, but do it anyway. Encourage them to send a “Welcome Home” e-mail, which he can respond to when he is rested.
I was pleasantly surprised by how many friends and family sent heartfelt messages. Jon really appreciated them.
Of course, he will call mom and dad to let them know he is on American soil. It’s up to them to call their friends and family.
If he wants to call more people at his leisure, that’s his decision. He doesn’t need the pressure of having to call a bunch of people under the false pretense that he needs to be “polite.” He’s going to need down time, and so will you.
E-mails are the ideal solution.
Your husband will be given leave when he returns and I encourage you to take a family vacation.
When I say “family,” I mean just you, your husband, and the kids. If you have kids, I believe it’s important you and your husband find alone time away from the base and the kids. It may only be an overnight stay while someone watches the children. Regardless, you need time for just the two of you.
Many of you will have family that will want to visit or have you travel to their home. Make sure you decide what is best for your family and make the decision based on the leave as well as your budget.
We took a week to be home alone. Then we took off for a week to get away from the base. Only after that did we invite family in. Your job when he comes home is to serve as the gatekeeper.
Our priority was each other. Since Jon and I did not have kids, it was hard for his family to understand why we needed time alone.
I got a pretty bad rap for being overprotective of Jon. But I knew the most important thing when he returned was to get our relationship back on track.
Wives are traditionally the ones in families who plan for his return. Your husband has no idea what’s going on. He is just relieved to be home. Politely set boundaries, but do it in a loving, patient manner.
If your husband serves in the Navy or Marine Corps and is deployed by ship, he has the option of inviting someone to join him on a Tiger cruise back to the mainland. A Tiger cruise is when the ship stops at its last port before heading to mainland America.
There is a lot of hype over these Tiger cruises, but I heard they are really boring. Frankly, I think it’s like being in prison. You play a lot of video games, lift weights, and smoke cigarettes. It’s not a Carnival Fun ship.
If you cruise from Hawaii to San Diego, the ocean can be really rough so get ready to puke.
Many times families will actually meet in Hawaii and do a reunion there. Many men take their leave then and honeymoon with their wives at this last port. This is great for families with kids. The wife flies to Hawaii. She and her hubby get alone time, then when they get back to the states the kids get to see their dad.
Jon’s dad wanted to meet him in Hawaii and do the Tiger cruise. Unfortunately, he had some medical issues and decided he couldn’t manage the trip.
Instead, Jon’s parents flew to Hawaii and visited with him there. Jon and I had mixed feelings about their trip. We had been considering flying me out to Hawaii for a little honeymoon. Since his dad couldn’t do the cruise, we thought if they saw him in Hawaii that we would have our own time back in the states.
In one way, it was the best thing to do. But I was sad and jealous when they called from Hawaii to tell me they were about to see Jon. In a way, his mom did get her “first kiss.”
Jon called me that night to say that he felt weird because all the guys were honeymooning with their wives and he was with his mom and dad. It was a no-win situation for us.
No matter how you think your “first kiss back” will go down—who will be there or what you will wear—relax. Avoid high expectations.
Life in the military always has some drama attached. It’s like when women put all their emotions and thoughts on the wedding and not the marriage. Keep that in mind and make sure your priorities are in order.
Our friend Kat received really disappointing news right before the homecoming. Her husband’s ship had been redirected to help with the rescue of a capsized fishing boat crew. That meant the reunion wouldn’t happen for another three days.
Can you imagine finding out two days before your husband is scheduled to arrive, “Sorry ladies, it will be three more days.”
I felt so bad for her.
Be sure to take your camera to the reunion. I was blessed to have photos documenting both reunions.
Natalie snapped the most amazing photos of our first kiss afer his first deployment.
On his second deployment, Jon went with an early party so he came back before everyone else. He was the only Marine at the reunion.
My girlfriend Karen followed me on the 20-mile drive to pick up Jon so I could have photos of our reunion kiss. I will never forget her thoughtfulness.
THE DRIVE HOME
When Jon returned, I was surprised to discover it was like he had never left. I didn’t feel like a huge weight had been lifted; I just felt at peace.
I will say this. I hadn’t felt as though my husband was really safe until I saw him in America with my own eyes.
Calls from the airport in Iraq didn’t calm me, nor did calls from Germany. Nothing helped until I saw him myself. At that point I thought, “He survived this war. I can breathe now.”
He drove us home. During the long drive we chatted like old friends. It wasn’t awkward or strained. All my worries about how we would get along were silly. My best friend was back and we were a couple again. It was as if seven months of hardship had never happened. All the time we had been apart didn’t matter.
We had a lifetime ahead of us.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANY MORE
When people ask if we had trouble adjusting after Jon returned from Iraq, I explain that I learned very quickly not to come out of the shower with a towel wrapped around my head.
Ladies, since you’ve spent seven months or more alone in the house, you might want to curb your recent unattractive bachelorette behavior.
After all, you’re now sharing your home with a man who is sexually attracted to you.
One wife told me she had to stop cutting farts while watching TV. She had never
done this in front of her man before he deployed, but during his absence she had gotten comfortable letting herself and her crude behavior go.
So ladies, avoid burping, farting, and using the bathroom with the door open. You’re not alone anymore.
I had to work through some adjustments. I wanted to show Jon I could relate to what he had been through. I tried to show him that I could live like he had in the desert. I knew he had gone without a lot of amenities in that sandbox over there. So I started to do the same around the house. After about a week he pulled me aside and said, “Sweetheart, I appreciate it, but you have to stop using the litter box. It’s not right to blame the cat.”
SEX
To be honest, sex was a bit awkward when Jon came home. The first time I was so scared I screamed and ran. I had forgotten how to do it.
After being everyone else’s dildo fairy, I didn’t practice what I preached. Let’s just say I wasn’t properly “prepared” for my husband’s return.
In hindsight, I wish I had at least sat on a pickle or something. Many wives reported having to put ice on their pee pee after their first encounter. Frankly, I think you really do revert to virginity after six months of inactivity.
I heard from one of my girlfriends that her husband popped a hernia from their lovemaking escapades. Look ladies, you don’t have to make up for seven months all at once. Surgery is no fun for anyone.
Jon started wanting sex at the weirdest times. We would be driving down the road in bad traffic and it would set him off. He would look at me and say, “If I had a Hummer right now, this would be a lot easier.”
I was really shocked. My husband was not one to ask for sexual favors while driving.
I told him to get in the carpool lane if he was looking for that. He got into the lane and immediately relaxed. “You’re right, honey, this is easier. I forgot about the carpool lane.”
What? I was confused. When I tried to oblige his request he looked at me like I was crazy.
We did have some communication problems when he first returned, which took us a little while to work out.
SLEEPING TOGETHER
Sharing a bed with your spouse after a deployment is a totally different subject. I had acquired some bizarre sleeping rituals in order to get some rest during the months of separation.
At one point in the deployment my bedtime had moved from 11:00 p.m. to about 2:00 a.m.
Instead of sleeping on the left side of the bed I now slept in the middle of the bed surrounded by all the pillows. I made a nest of pillows. I had also bought this tiny squishy pillow that I put on my stomach to make up for the fact that Jon was not there. By the time Jon got back, I was used to this ritual.
Jon took an instant dislike to the pillow on my stomach. In fact, the new pillow became his arch rival.
Jon would toss it across the room when I wasn’t looking. I would go insane when I couldn’t have it. I felt like Linus without his blanket.
Whenever Jon complained about sleeping with one leg hanging off the side of the bed because there was no room, I would tell him to be glad I no longer kept the Taser under my pillow.
I also had a cat on the pillow above my head, another at my feet, and sometimes the dogs in the bed. With the bed jam-packed, Jon had to fight for his share of space. Often when I fell asleep I would spread out into an “x” shape and Jon would wake up squished into a corner of the bed.
As payback for my sleep routine, he would tell me in the morning that my breath “smelled like Iraq.” One morning I rolled over to find him wearing a gas mask.
I had learned how to sew while Jon was gone—hand stitching ten different muumu-type nightgowns. I was quite proud of my handmade designs. These gowns were a cross between the dresses worn by Mama in “Mama’s Family” (complete with ruffles, a high neckline, and lots of lace) and a dress worn on “Little House on the Prairie.” I completed my ensemble with a thick pair of socks.
For Jon, these outfits were a huge turn-off. I thought of them as really soft and comfortable.
When I emerged from the bathroom in one of my handmade gowns, Jon would hiss under his breath, “MOO MOO!” Somehow this sounded like a threat.
I would try to initiate sex, but he wouldn’t respond. I told him, “Let’s play fantasy! It’s the Civil War. You’ve been injured on my father’s land and I hid you in the barn … go with it.”
My role playing fantasy, however, didn’t spark anything. I couldn’t understand why he cared what I wore to bed. We had a healthy sex life. What was the big deal?
Deep down I knew I was being selfish and was putting my comfort before my man’s needs of seeing his wife looking attractive.
Thanks to Dr. Laura, I eventually saw the error of my ways and put all my muumus in storage.
After I bought cuter, hipper looking jammies at Target, I enjoyed the new attention I got from my man. Now I looked cute and sexy instead of resembling a grandma.
My sex life and sleeping habits improved as well. All was back to normal. My man was happy.
I did ask for one compromise, though. Since I was wearing cuter nightgowns, Jon allowed me to keep the socks on.
The pillow, however, is still an issue. I’m working on it.
HIVES
In our battalion’s reunion brief, we were told to keep everything positive for at least three days while our men became acclimated. We were told that no matter what, we were not to argue or bring up anything that would upset them.
That’s certainly easier said than done.
I had kept some serious family issues from Jon while he was on his first deployment and still had to hold them back after he returned. I had had some problems communicating with his family while he was gone. It was a problem that had been building since we eloped. We didn’t know each other well back then, so we didn’t know how to communicate. This led to misunderstandings.
It was to the point that I needed Jon to address his family directly. He needed to take care of the problem so it didn’t repeat itself during the next deployment.
But I had to find the right time to raise this issue with him. I kept to the three-day rule and said nothing. Even when he asked me how things were going with family, I bit my tongue. Still, Jon could sense there was a problem.
We went down to the USS Tarawa to pick up the belongings he had left on ship. While there, I sat on the wool blanket on his bunk. I was wearing shorts. Wool and I have never gotten along, so by the time we got home I was itching all over.
I had these welts up and down the back of my legs. It got worse over the next few days. My legs were beginning to swell and the bumps went all the way up to my bottom. This is not so sexy, particularly when you have not seen your man in seven months and you have a lot of lovemaking to catch up on.
Jon took me to the doctor, who diagnosed hives. He thought I caught it sitting on Jon’s wool blanket on the ship, and gave me antihistamines and calamine lotion.
There I was, covered with pink cream all over my legs. I looked like a kid at camp who had gotten into the poison ivy.
To make matters worse, Jon and I were leaving for Las Vegas. He only had a week of leave and his family had planned a big welcome home party in his hometown.
We had to split his leave between his family and our alone time. I was simmering emotionally. I had all these pent up emotions that I still had not shared with him.
I was miserable in Vegas. The heat aggravated the hives. My legs looked disgusting—even more so when Jon lathered me up with lotion every night. Who needs kinky foreplay when you can use calamine lotion?
I wanted to keep this trip positive, so I continued to bite my tongue and avoided talking about what had happened. But the longer I held it all in, the worse I got physically.
Beenie and Lloyd were with us for a few days in Vegas. Beenie freaked when she saw my legs. Really, I looked like a monster. She knew what I was upset about and was hoping I had finally talked about it with Jon. “No,” I replied. “I just want this vacation to be fun
and positive.”
I had the burden hanging over my head and all over my legs the whole trip.
Partying with Beenie and Lloyd helped loosen me up. I was glad to have my best friend with me.
Jon and Lloyd had all this Iraqi money and used it to tip all the valets and waiters. It was hysterical. The money was worth nothing, but a rumor was flying all over Vegas that two Marines had found Saddam’s money and were handing it out. We got free drinks everywhere we went. Those definitely helped calm me down.
After we got home, Jon asked me if there was something wrong. That’s when the floodgates opened. I told him everything in a surprisingly calm manner. I told him about the issues I had had with his family, and how upset I had been. We talked about everything rationally and calmly.
He could understand the communication problems I had had and he understood my feelings. As we talked, I realized that I had been having a panic attack almost from the start of the reunion.
He immediately got on the phone with his family to discuss the problem. I took a Xanax and went to bed. When I awoke, my legs had nearly cleared up. Every night for a week I took a small Xanax before bed and each morning the hives were smaller and smaller.
I had stressed myself out and made myself physically ill. After talking with Jon and straightening things out with his family, I was able to calm down and begin to heal. Many newlyweds go through adjustment periods with their new families. Unfortunately for us, there was a war thrown into the middle of our growing pains. Great communication and a lot of love got us right again.
It’s important to find that balance when your husband returns. If there’s something pressing that you need to address, don’t put it off.
I’m an advocate for the “three-day-nothing-negative” rule, but I took it way beyond that to three weeks. I wanted to pretend everything was perfect, but that was the wrong choice.
I had endured a lot during Jon’s deployment. Once he was home and settled, though, it was time to take care of me.
Might I suggest that you write all your concerns down in letters, but don’t send them? When he gets home you can decide if those letters are something he needs to read.