Protect and Serve

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Protect and Serve Page 19

by Gwyneth Bolton


  “Yes.” Her voice sounded breathless in her ears.

  He exhaled. His eyes closed for a few seconds, and then he opened them. She saw so many raw emotions on his face that she didn’t dare try to name. She couldn’t allow herself to dream big. She couldn’t acknowledge she saw his heart in his eyes, love all over his face. She knew he was holding back, protecting himself. And she couldn’t blame him.

  “You wanna know what I think happened, Penny?”

  Did she want to know? Would it change anything?

  “I think you lied to me fifteen years ago. I don’t think you cheated on me with Terrill. I don’t think you were pregnant with his child. I think our child died fifteen years ago. And for some crazy reason, you felt the need to hurt me because of it. What I don’t know is why. Was it because I was working too much?

  “I know after we found out you were pregnant, I started working extra hours and took on a second night shift job to save for when we went off to college. But you were working long hours, too, even though I told you I would take care of things and you didn’t have to. Was it the jobs, and the fact that I wasn’t there when you lost the baby? What was it? What did I do to make you want to hurt me and lie to me like that?”

  Penny took a deep breath. This was so wrong. He couldn’t possibly blame himself. It wasn’t his fault. It was all her fault.

  She closed her eyes.

  “Talk to me, baby. I want to know. I need to understand. I know you loved me. You just admitted that. And if you loved me, there was no way you could have slept with Terrill.”

  “I did—” She stalled and swallowed.

  This was the hardest thing she’d had to do since she told the big lie fifteen years ago.

  “I did you wrong, Jason. And I don’t deserve your forgiveness. You shouldn’t feel any guilt or blame for anything that happened back then. It was all my fault. I was a horrible person. I’m still a horrible person. There’s no going back from what I did to you…from what I did to your friendship with Terrill. He was your best friend, too, and I was wrong.” Her words came out in a rush, and her eyes filled with tears. She looked at Jason and saw his face fill with horror as she spoke.

  He pushed away from her and got up from the bed.

  “You…I don’t…Damn…Penny…”

  He backed away, and the expression on his face broke her heart. He looked as if someone had stolen his puppy and kicked him.

  She had no idea why he was backing away from her as if she had the plague. But she figured it was only right. Maybe he finally saw what she’d known all along. She was no good for him, and she would only ruin his life. That was what his aunt Sophie had said when Penny lost their child. And if she finished telling him how awful she’d been back then, he’d probably take off running. But she needed to tell him the entire truth. She owed him that much.

  “Jason, let me explain. Let me tell you why—”

  “I don’t want to hear why, Penny! That you could do something like that and claim you loved me…I can’t even look at you right now!” Jason stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind him.

  The floodgates opened, and tears poured from her eyes. Her heart felt a hundred times worse than it had when she let him go the first time. Crying hadn’t made her feel any better then, and it probably wouldn’t help now. But that didn’t stop the waterworks.

  Jason went into the living room and sat on the sofa.

  How could he have been so wrong about Penny? He’d have bet his life that she hadn’t slept with Terrill. In fact, he’d spent a good part of his life post-Penny believing that if he ever got her face-to-face and looked her in the eye, she wouldn’t be able to lie to him about what had happened. He had felt so close to her when she admitted she loved him. She still loved him. And then she’d looked him in the eyes and said she did it.

  She did it.

  Talk about a blow…

  He ran his hand over his head and closed his eyes. He’d been kidding himself when he said he’d be able to forgive Penny for sleeping with Terrill. That would take more work than he was capable of.

  How could he do it? Then he thought about how right she felt in his arms, how his love for her had never really gone away. And he thought, how could he not?

  The sound of Run DMC’s “Together Forever” jolted him and he saw that Penny’s cell phone was sitting on the coffee table, ringing. He picked it up, curious to see who had that ring tone, and saw Terrill’s name on the caller ID. Even though he knew it was an invasion of privacy, he answered her phone.

  “Hello, Terrill.”

  “Hey…Jason…What’s up, man? Er…is Penny there? She called me a little while ago, and I’m returning her call.”

  “She’s here. She’s not available at the moment. But I wanted to talk to you for a moment, if you don’t mind?”

  “Sure. I guess. What’s up, man?” Terrill’s voice sounded hesitant, but there was no way he was going to let the man off the phone.

  “I just got Penny to look me in the eye and tell me the truth about what happened all those years ago.”

  Terrill’s sigh of relief was audible. “She did? Finally! That’s good, man. I hated lying to you back then. But she was so distraught after the miscarriage. And she seemed to get it in her head that it was her fault and she didn’t deserve you and she would only ruin your life. It was crazy, man. I was so afraid for her. Man, I never saw her cry like that. I kept hoping you would show up soon. And when you did and she dropped that big lie and told you to leave…I was so torn. I would have come clean. But you took it so hard you became unreachable. I mean…you said some pretty harsh things to us…Some stuff you just can’t come back from…”

  There was a pause, and it gave Jason a moment to remember how harsh he’d been to Terrill and Penny back then. No one could have told him he’d ever have said some of those things to the two people who had been the closest to him. But then, no one could have told him he would have been so hurt by his two best friends.

  “But I understood, Jason. The way you loved Penny. I know how you must have felt, and I know that’s why you said that stuff. So I backed off. But it killed me to lie to you. And for the record, Penny never really got over it. She must have cried for the first two years she was in Los Angeles. It wasn’t pretty, man. She never really got over you….” Terrill spoke at such a breakneck speed, it left Jason stunned.

  “Whew! I’m glad you finally know the truth. I hope it’s not too late for you two, even if it might be too late for us to ever be friends again.” There was a hopefulness in Terrill’s voice that gave Jason pause.

  Jason’s head felt as if it were about to explode. The information was coming at him too fast, and there was too much conflicting information for him to process, at least if he wanted sane and reasonable answers.

  “Penny looked me in the eye and said she did it. She said she had sex with you.”

  “Oh…oh…” Terrill sighed. “She’s going to kill me, then. Either she’s gonna kill me, or I won’t have any best friends left when it’s all said and done. I guess she’s still lying, and she must have figured out a way to lie while looking you dead in the eye. She never used to be able to do that.”

  “Are you saying you didn’t have sex with her? Ever?”

  “Never, man. Penny is my dearest and oldest friend, and I love her like a sister. But that’s it. Listen, man, can you just tell her I called and I’ll call her back later?” Terrill broke off the call.

  Jason couldn’t believe it. Somebody was lying, and he was determined to find out who it was.

  His mind went back to fifteen years earlier, when they’d just graduated from high school and their friendship had come to an end….

  He’d come home after a ten-hour shift at the car dealership where he was working, tired and ready for bed.

  His boss had needed someone to drive a car down to Delaware and bring another one back. Ever since he and Penny found out she was pregnant, he’d been picking up as many hours as he could.<
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  He wanted to do the right thing by her, and he wanted to take care of his responsibilities. Even more, he loved her and he knew she was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. If a baby meant things would happen sooner than he’d expected, he was cool with it.

  As soon as he walked in the house that Saturday evening, he knew something was wrong. His parents were both sitting in the front room. And his mother looked as if she’d been crying.

  “Penny lost the baby, son. She’s at St. Joseph’s Hospital. We had no way of reaching you to let you know.” His father’s rich baritone voice sounded heavy with sorrow.

  Jason felt his knees give out.

  Both his parents rushed over to him.

  He heard them saying things like “Everything happens for a reason” and “You need to get to the hospital and be strong for Penny.” But his heart felt as if it were going to explode. Everything seemed cruel and pointless. How could their baby be dead?

  Somehow he made it to the hospital and found his way to Penny’s room. The guilt from the thought that she’d had to go through it all alone tore at his soul. He should have been there. When he saw Terrill sitting on the edge of her bed and heard Penny’s body-racking cries, the guilt multiplied.

  He walked over to the bed with tears coming down his face. His girl was in pain. He had never heard her cry like that, and he never wanted to hear it again.

  “Hey, Jason.” Terrill’s somber voice matched the expression in his eyes.

  Jason nodded. He didn’t trust himself to talk.

  Penny didn’t look at him at all. She held on to Terrill and sobbed.

  Terrill shot Jason a pleading look. They both seemed at a loss to know what it would take to make Penny stop crying.

  “Penny, baby—” Jason started.

  “Leave. I want you to leave, Jason. The baby is gone, so you don’t have to hang around and do the right thing anymore. It’s over.” Penny’s voice had a gravelly texture and seemed to be laced with pain.

  “Penny, I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner. Baby, I’m sorry. Babe, look at me, please…” Jason pleaded.

  She kept her head nestled in Terrill’s shoulders.

  “I don’t want to look at you, Jason. I don’t want to…I can’t be with you anymore. It’s over. Leave me alone. Go on with your life and leave me alone.”

  Her words felt like a hot knife slicing through his heart. Jason stared at Terrill, who seemed just as shocked as he was.

  “I’m not leaving. Look, I know you’re mad. You have every right to be upset. But I would have been here if I could have. Terrill, man, can you leave us alone for a minute? We need—”

  “No! No, I don’t want Terrill to leave. I want you to leave, Jason. What is it going to take to get you to see that it’s over? I’m not the right girl for you.”

  “You’re talking crazy, Pen. I love you. You’re the love of my life.”

  “I want out of this relationship. I want to be with…I want to be with Terrill now. He’s the one I want now. He’s the one who should mourn the loss of my child with me. We’re a couple now, Jason. Terrill and I will mourn the loss of our child together.”

  Jason took a step back. He hadn’t thought she could say anything more hurtful than the things she’d already said.

  Stunned, he grabbed the railing of the bed for support.

  “You’re with Terrill? You’ve been with Terrill? What do you mean? Are you saying Terrill was the father? What are you saying, Penny?” The questions tumbled from his mouth in a fast-paced rush. He felt the circulation giving out in his hands, but he couldn’t loosen his hold on the bed. He didn’t trust what he might do if he did.

  Terrill’s eyes were wide. But he didn’t say anything.

  “Yes. Is that what you need to hear in order to leave? Yes. I slept with Terrill and he was the father. Will you leave now?”

  Jason let go of the bed rail and snatched Terrill off of the bed. Before he even realized what he was doing, he’d punched his friend in the face twice.

  Terrill was down on the floor, glaring up at him, his expression a mask of shock, anger and sadness.

  Penny buried her head in the pillow and started sobbing again.

  “You want me to leave? Fine. I’m out. The two of you deserve each other, a backstabber and a slut. I can’t believe I ever trusted either one of you. My aunt Sophie was right all along. You’re both ghetto-gutter trash, and neither one of you is good enough to call a friend.” The ugly words caused a trickle of pain to run through his heart. But he couldn’t stop. He wanted to hurt them as much as they had hurt him.

  “Like mother, like daughter, huh? If I would have known you would become such a slut, I would never have bothered with you in the first place. The both of you can go to hell.”

  The creaking of the bedroom door let Penny know that Jason had entered the room again. But she wasn’t in any frame of mind to face him. She’d spent the past hour tossing and turning, torn between wanting to go after him and wanting to go home. It had turned out worse than she thought it would, and she hadn’t even given him her full confession. She’d been crying her eyes out from the time he left the room, and she knew she wasn’t done.

  She figured if she stayed really still, he’d just go to sleep and she could get out of there in the morning. When the light came on, she knew that wasn’t going to happen. She felt the bed bounce, but she didn’t look up from her pillow.

  “Penny?” His voice had a firm and slightly irritated tone.

  She could tell he wanted to talk. But how in the world was she supposed to do this? Yes, she’d messed up. She was more than willing to admit that. But her heart was on the line now.

  She still loved him. There was no denying it anymore.

  “Penny, I know you’re not sleeping. We need to talk.”

  She sat up in the bed and tried to wipe her face. It was no use. She could feel the clamminess the tears had left, and she figured her eyes and nose were a big, red, puffy mess.

  His eyes seemed to soften for a moment, but then they took on the same determined gaze of steel he’d had a few days ago, when she saw him at the wake.

  “I spoke to Terrill. He called your cell phone and I answered it. And I’ve been sitting in the living room for the past half an hour trying to figure out which one of you is telling me the truth and which one of you is lying. He says the two of you never had sex. And you just sat here in this room and told me you did.”

  Penny eyes went wide. “I said I did you wrong. I didn’t say I had sex with Terrill. I did you wrong when I lied to you about it. I caused you to lose your best friend. I’m a horrible person, and I know that. And I know saying I’m sorry isn’t going to change what I did. But I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  Jason squinted and leaned forward. “You’re admitting it was a lie?”

  She nodded. “Yes. I’m sorry.”

  “Why? Why did you lie?”

  She took a deep breath and kept her focus on him. He deserved to hear the truth, all of it. It didn’t matter if he never forgave her or he decided to kick her out of his home in the dead of night. It was time to come clean.

  She swallowed and twiddled her hands.

  “When I found out I was pregnant, I was so scared. I was seventeen and went from having my entire life in front of me to having to put off college for a year, maybe more—”

  “You were going to be able to go to school. We were going to work it out so that I would start first. You’d have been able to take classes in a year or two, once we saved some more money and the baby was old enough for day care.”

  “We didn’t make those plans, Jason. You did. You made all the decisions, even down to deciding we were ready to have the baby, that we would have the baby and keep it. You had it all figured out, and I was starting to feel trapped. I knew I wasn’t really ready.

  “But rather than be a woman about it and let you know, I just worked as many hours as I could at the boutique so I could save money and have enough
before it was too late…So I could really make the decision based on all of my options…I was saving money because I didn’t want to have a child just because I didn’t have any other choices open to me…”

  The disgust and horror on Jason’s face almost made her want to stop talking. It was the same look she’d been so afraid of seeing when she was seventeen. She’d known even back then how ready Jason was to be a father, to do the right thing. She’d known he wouldn’t really understand her fears. She hadn’t been ready to become a mother. She let her fear keep her from being honest about her feelings then; she couldn’t do that now.

  “I was seventeen and I was scared. And I thought about abortion.” She let the words settle. She had thought about it. She didn’t know if she would have gone through with it. She’d never know because the decision had been taken away from her.

  “I was working hard to save money, and I wasn’t taking proper care of myself. Between working that summer job, the stress and fear of being a teenage mom and ruining my life the way Carla used to say I ruined hers, the fear of thinking I might one day resent my child and say some of the jacked-up things my mother had said to me to my child…I ended up having a miscarriage.”

  She took a deep breath and started to rub her scar.

  The confession was even harder than she’d thought it would be. “When I lost our child, I felt so much guilt, and then I felt a little bit relieved, and then I felt even more guilt about my relief. At the time, I felt as if I had killed our child by working too much and not eating right.”

  Jason sighed. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault, Pen. It just happened. No one was to blame.”

  “I know that now, but at the time, I felt like I was to blame. Then, after I’d had the emergency D and C and they took what was left of our child from me, I had to listen to your aunt—a freaking nurse, no less—standing outside of my room, telling one of her colleagues how glad she was I lost the baby, because I wasn’t good enough for you and I would only ruin your life. She actually stood right outside my door and went on and on about how the only way a silly little slut like me could hold on to a fine young man like you would be to trap him by getting pregnant. She said she hoped you wouldn’t be so foolish and allow me to trap you again.

 

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