by Claire Adams
“Carla!”
Laughing, she said, “Oh, you know I’m kidding. I’m worried about you, though. When you talk about him, you get this tone in your voice and now I can see the look in your eyes…. You’ve got it bad for him, honey. You should never lose your virginity to a one-night stand. It’s too much pressure.”
“I don’t have ‘feelings’ for him. I barely know him. Maybe what you see is passionate anger. I’m angry with him over this whole thing, and I’m angry with myself. I do not ‘have it bad’ for him.” I stopped talking because she was grinning from ear to ear. “What are you smiling about?”
“Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. This is me, honey. I’m not going to judge you.”
I realized she was right. If there was one person on this earth who wouldn’t judge me, it was Carla. I really needed to talk about this to someone.
I couldn’t even confess it properly to my priest, so I said, “Okay, maybe I fell for him a little…but it’s mostly lust. I don’t know enough about him otherwise to form an opinion—except the priest part and you know what my opinion is of that.”
I took a big drink of my margarita and refilled my glass. Then, I just blurted out, “I can’t stop thinking about him. I even dream about him at night. The dreams are…well, let’s just say if they were movies, they’d be rated X.
“God has to be up there just shaking His head at me…at both of us. I keep hoping that my good Catholic behavior for the past twenty-two years will be enough to save my soul over this.”
Carla wiggled her eyebrows. “So, you want to tell me about these X rated dreams?”
I narrowed my eyes at her and she said, “Oh, honey, please stop being your own worst enemy! I don’t think you’ll be held accountable for every little slip-up. You’re a good person. You’ve been a good Catholic, better than most I know. You haven’t killed anyone or hurt anyone.
“I’m pretty sure that God has already forgiven you. He knows what you’ve been through, and I don’t believe He would deny you a night of reckless abandon.”
Her words warmed my heart. I didn’t believe them, though. She loved me and was just trying to make me feel better, but that was nice. I was already sure that I could count on going straight to hell, but it was nice to know my best friend thought otherwise.
“There’s more,” I said, curling my lip. Confessing to my priest wasn’t a good option; I needed to tell someone what I’d done.
“More? You had sex with him again?” her eyes were shining like that would be a good thing. I shook my head at her and said,
“No, but I almost did. I need a big, fat, scarlet S to wear on my chest.”
It was her turn to roll her eyes. “Whatever—you’re so dramatic. You turned him down this time. There has to be some points in there for you, right?”
I fingered the side of my glass and wondered if I really wanted to admit my shame aloud. Finally, I said, “Um…probably not. I’m the one that came onto him. He turned me down. It was so humiliating.”
Carla was laughing so hard that she choked on her drink. The waiter she embarrassed earlier even came over to see if she was okay. I wanted to choke her myself. When she finally finished laughing, she said, “You go, Daph! Give the girl a taste of some man candy and she can’t get enough!”
In spite of myself, I smiled. It wasn’t like I hadn’t had that thought myself. I loved that crazy girl, but it really wasn’t helping me to talk about it. “Why don’t we change the subject?” I said.
She didn’t look like she wanted to, but she kindly agreed, “Okay…so what are we going to do this weekend?”
“I’m afraid we’re not in the big city anymore. There’s not a lot to do here; there are a few local bars, no big clubs, and there is a canoeing trip with the church tomorrow. It’s in Boston at the harbor. We can drive or take the church bus.”
Carla curled her lip. “All church people?”
“I do think that’s what I mean by ‘a church trip.’”
“Will Father Hot Pants be there?”
“Stop it, Carla! Just calling him that is a sin. But yes, I imagine he will be. Last I heard, there were going to be about sixty people there, though. I’m sure we could manage to not even have to talk to him. It’s something to do, but if you don’t want to…”
She got a sly smile on her face, and I knew what she was thinking. She wanted a look at Jace. “I didn’t say I didn’t want to go. Let’s do it. I don’t want to ride on the bus with the churchy people, though. You know my mouth can’t be still for that long. And, it’s not like they’re going to make me sit through mass, right?”
“No, you only do that when you’re hoping for a dramatic scene between a married man, his wife, and his lover.”
She picked up her margarita and said, “Here, here!” with a grin. She has no shame. It’s part of why I love her so much. I used to want to live vicariously through her. Lately, I’m living more on the edge than she does.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
JACE
It was a gorgeous day for canoeing. The weather was in the low eighties and the humidity was low; I woke up feeling better than I had since the day I found out that Grandma had died.
Part of it was that canoeing was something that my brothers, my grandmother, and I all enjoyed and did together every chance we got. I love the Boston Harbor Islands. They’re great for camping, hiking, or just taking a day trip like we were that day.
I showed up early to World’s End where we would begin our trip. The church allowed me to use their large pick-up truck and trailer to bring up the boats and the other equipment we were going to need for our day trip. I stood in the center of the park and took in a deep breath of the dewy morning air.
The place was such a gem. World’s End is a park that’s part of the Boston Harbor Islands. It’s lovely just to walk through and there’s usually more than one artist with their easels set up, painting the gorgeous landscape of the harbor with the blue sky in the background.
I looked at my watch. It was still about an hour before everyone else was scheduled to start showing up. I started to unload the truck and I’d only gotten one boat out and dragged down to the water when my phone rang. It was Ryan.
“Hey, little bro; what’s up?”
“That’s what I want to know,” he said. “You dropped a couple of bombs on us the day we had lunch and then took off. I’ve tried to call you three times since. What gives?”
“Um…I really don’t have time right now…”
“Nope, no way. You’re not going to hang up on me and then not take my calls again for over a week. You said you got drunk and had sex. I want details.”
“Jesus, Ryan, I never should have said that.”
“Why? Is it not true?”
“No, it’s true…scary true.”
“Shit! My brother the priest is getting more action than me!” he laughed. This is exactly why he is the wrong person for me to talk to about it. He’s going to act like it’s a good thing.
“Ryan, this isn’t funny. This is worse than if I had a spouse and I cheated on her. I broke my vows to God and the Catholic Church.”
“Okay, you’re upset about it, I hear you. But Jace, here’s the deal: you’ve spent your whole life doing what everyone else thinks you’re supposed to do. You chose to be a priest because it’s what Grandma wanted you to do. You were the only one of us who is good enough and she knew it.”
“No Rye, it wasn’t about Grandma. It was a calling and I believed…I believe in it. I made a horrible mistake, and I just don’t want to talk about it like it’s a notch in my bedpost the way it would be for you or for Max.”
“I’m sorry, okay? But I can hear in your voice that you’re torn up about this. You always shut us out and act like you have to deal with everything on your own. You have me and Max—you don’t have to struggle through this by yourself.”
I heard my name being called out. I looked around and saw Lily coming towards me.
“Hey,
Rye, I really have to go. I will call you tonight, okay?”
“Promise?” Sometimes he was such a child.
“I promise. I love you, man.”
“I love you, too. You better call me or I’m going to drive over there and kick your pacifist ass.”
I laughed and hung up. If Ryan and I ever got into a fist fight, and that was less than likely, I’d be the one kicking butt.
I looked back up at Lily. She was wearing cut-off jean shorts and a short pair of brown leather hiking boots. Her t-shirt was simple, but it fit her perfectly to show off her womanly curves. She had her hair pulled back into a ponytail and a pair of giant, Jackie O’ sunglasses on. She looked gorgeous, and my body responded. I can’t believe this. All of a sudden I’m acting like a damned man. What the hell is wrong with me?
“Hey, Lily! You’re early.”
“Am I?” she said. It was just after six a.m. I was sure I told her seven. The sun was barely up.
“Yeah, but that’s okay. I’m glad I’m here, so you aren't out here alone.” She came over to me and gave me a hug. That didn’t help my body’s response any, especially because she seemed to hang on a little longer than she should have and, if I’m not mistaken, pressed her chest into mine.
“I was just getting the boats unloaded,” I told her.
“It’s so pretty here,” she observed, looking around at the verdant green grass and the lush umbrella of leafy green trees above our heads.
“Yeah, it’s one of my favorite spots. When I was younger, I would come here with my brothers and Grandma and we’d kayak or canoe or just take a hike and look at the views. There are some stunning ones here and also on the island we’ll end up on.”
“Where are we canoeing to today?”
“We’ll start here and end on Bumpkin Island. I’ve arranged for lunch to be brought out there to us, so we’ll eat and then I have a boat coming to pick everyone up and bring them back here.”
“I heard Bumpkin Island is haunted,” she said, grabbing the other end of the canoe I was carrying and helping me take it down near the water. God help me, but I was watching her breasts bounce as we did. Am I completely ruined now because I got one taste of sex? It was such a good taste, and maybe that was the problem. Sometimes I wish I had been too drunk to remember. “What do you think?” she asked.
“About?” I wasn’t paying attention to a word she said.
She laughed. “What do you think about the island being haunted?”
“Oh, yeah. I’m not one of those people who worry about things like that. There’s a ton of history there, and if you talk to the old Native Americans, they’ll tell you it’s haunted. I don’t think it’s haunted by anything evil, though. I always get a real sense of peace when I’m there. You can ride in my boat. I have holy water.”
She laughed, “Agreed.” We put that boat down and went up to get another. As we stepped up a relatively steep embankment, she reached out and grabbed my hand. I held onto her and helped her the rest of the way up to where the truck was and then reluctantly let her hand go. Maybe that’s all it is with me, lately. Maybe I’m not craving sex as much as I am human contact. That would make me less creepy, I think.
“Is the water really cold?” she asked.
“Not this time of year,” I told her. “It’s not warm, but it’s definitely not frigid. My brothers and I used to swim in it when we came out during the summer.”
“How are your brothers?” My brothers never liked Lily. Neither did my Grandmother. They all thought she was too fast for me and were afraid she’d break my heart. It turned out I was the one that broke hers.
“They’re doing well, I guess. Max is doing well. He’s always been the most likely to succeed, though. Ryan is a little lost…more so now without Grandma. Hopefully, he’ll grow up soon. If not, I might have to adopt him and let him live on my couch.”
She laughed. I couldn’t help but look at her and wonder how different my life would be if she and I had never broken up. Would we be married now? Would we have children? Or would I be the man she divorced?
I pondered that while we finished taking the boats down and I’d just grabbed her hand again to help her up the incline when I saw another car arriving. I let go of her hand quickly…too quickly. She stumbled and almost fell backwards. I reached out and caught her in my arms.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
DAPHNE
The first thing I saw as we stepped out of the car at World’s End was Jace…with a beautiful woman in his arms. What the hell? Is he a serial seducer of good Catholic women or what? He saw me about the same time and let go of the woman. I was hoping he would drop her. I had no idea where this nasty side of me came from.
I looked up and was glad to see that the bus from the church and a couple of other cars were arriving just behind us. Besides the fact that I thought he wouldn't touch the woman so much in front of witnesses, I wasn’t really sure what to say to him. I was hoping to be able to avoid him all together, if I could. At least I wanted to avoid conversation with him—I was looking forward to looking at him.
“I’ve lived in Boston my entire life and I’ve never been here. It takes a trip to Lexington to get me out here; go figure,” Carla said. I’d had the same thought myself. Of course, my childhood wasn’t really conducive to a lot of sightseeing trips.
“I’ve never been here, either,” I said. “It’s so pretty, it kind of takes your breath away.”
Carla’s eyes had landed on something else: Jace. I could see that predatory look she gets in her eye as she said, “It sure does.” I wanted to warn her who he was, but he was upon us before I got the chance.
“Daphne, I’m so glad you made it; and I see you brought a friend.”
“Carla Rossi,” she said with her sexiest smile as she tossed her black hair over one shoulder. I rolled my eyes. He held out his hand and she took it. I waited.
“It’s lovely to meet you, Carla, I’m Father Jace.” If this wasn’t my screwed up life, the look on her face would be hilarious. Her jaw was scraping the ground and before Jace figured out it was because she knew we had sex, I interrupted.
“We’re happy to be here, Father. It’s so beautiful.” Jace’s eyes left Carla’s stunned face and transferred over to mine. I searched his eyes for any sign that he was either thinking I was a pathetic fool or wondering about his missed opportunity.
He didn’t seem to be showing signs of either. He was acting like everything was…normal. I was not sure what to make of that. Was it normal to him? Wouldn’t that be so wrong?
“We’ve got enough canoes for two to each boat. Most of them are already down by the harbor. Do you two feel confident enough to do this on your own?”
“I don’t know if we’re really strong enough,” Carla started. She’s incorrigible.
“We’ll be fine,” I said with my teeth grit in her direction. She smiled. I am so going to kick her ass.
“Okay then, just grab which one you want and when we take off, we’ll all follow each other. We’ll have some time to explore Bumpkin Island before lunch. It’s a great place, if you’ve never been there.”
“Okay, thanks.” He smiled again.
God, he’s so beautiful. I watched him walk away to go greet the rest of the canoe party and I actually forgot Carla was there until she said, “Whoa…he’s hot! I wish I was screwing a priest.”
“Carla!” I tried to act shocked, but I had to smile. She’s too much, but no one can ever accuse her of not speaking her mind. I wished I was more like her, sometimes. Most of the time, actually. “Come on, let’s get a boat.”
As we walked down towards the edge of the water she said, “He’s good.”
“What do you mean?”
“I got no indication the two of you had sex from him. He’s good. I wonder how many other women he’s seduced.” She let that hang in the air. I’d had the same thought, but I didn’t want to say it aloud. That might make it real.
We picked out one of the canoes and dra
gged it off to the side. I was on the side facing up the hill and I could see Jace. He was talking to the hot woman in the cut-offs. She had a radiant smile as she looked at his face.
She kept touching him on the arm as they talked, and whatever he was saying must have been hilarious because she kept tossing her head back and laughing out loud. Or maybe she was just flirting and liked to toss her long, dark hair. She would be a brunette. It was further proof that I’d just been a fluke because he was drunk and I wasn’t his usual type.
I felt the twinge of jealousy in the pit of my stomach, although I knew in my heart that was just one more sin to add to the trail I was leaving of them lately.
“Hey! I’m talking to you,” I heard Carla say.
“I’m sorry. What did you say?”
She shook her head. “Baby girl, we all fall in love with our first. You won’t ever forget him and you might even be a little bit in love with him forever, but it doesn’t mean he’s the right one for you. He’s super-hot and I’d do him, but, baby girl, you’ve got a conscience like no one else I know. It would eat you alive. Get over him and find a real man that you can be with and not feel bad about, okay?”
I nodded, feeling a lump in my throat. I knew she was right, not that he’s not a “real” man, he is…most definitely. But, I know what she meant. He’s not available and he never will be.
I didn’t really even know him. What I did know wasn’t good. He was worse than a guy who cheats on his wife or girlfriend. He cheated on God. He took vows and he broke them at least once. I should walk away quickly, lesson learned.
I glanced back over to where he and the pretty woman were getting their boat ready to go into the water. If I knew he was so bad for me, then why did my chest fill with want and need every time I looked at him? Hopefully, Carla was right and it’s just because he was my first. That infatuation would have to fade with time…wouldn’t it?
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
JACE
After I made sure the rest of our group all had their canoes and each boat had at least one person in it who knew what they were doing, I put ours into the water and stepped in. Then, I reached out my hand and helped Lily step in.