by Amber Nation
“Stay,” it was the only word I could get to form around the lump in my throat. Tears were glistening in my eyes, threatening to topple over. She turned towards me and pulled her bottom lip in between her teeth and seemed to mull over the decision as to whether she could do just that. The fact that she was taking the time to think it over made hope bloom in my heart.
She took her eyes off of mine, and angled her body back towards the door. “I can’t.”
And with those two words I knew this was it, this was our finality. What had just bloomed into hope and seemed attainable quickly deflated resulting in utter despair. I was numb and I owed it all to Julia Caldwell. My third chance at love and my second chance at having a family, slipping through my fingers once again. This time it hurt infinitely worse, even though it had been mere days.
She surprised me by quickly leaning across the console and pressing her closed lips to my cheek. “Goodbye, Dean.” And with that she grabbed her suitcase from the backseat before slamming the door and walking out of my life. Then and only then did I allow the tears to spill over the edge.
Numb. That’s how I wanted to stay. I didn’t want to feel this brick sitting in the middle of my chest any longer. It was the Monday after Julia’s abrupt departure and the pain hadn’t lessened a bit; if anything it had intensified tenfold. What made matters worse was that Baylor and Eden had gotten back into town from their honeymoon and I’d avoided them at all costs. What little was left of my heart wouldn’t be able to take their happiness and being all lovey dovey around each other. I was well aware that made me a shitty friend, but I just needed some time.
Throwing the wooden door to Tillie’s Tavern open, I stalked inside, immediately loosening my tie from around my neck. I’d been in such a horrible mood that Bea even yelled at me and she had never raised her voice at me before. She took it upon herself to cancel my last appointment for the day and sent me home as if she was my boss. I was internally grateful.
I slid into an empty stool at the bar and signaled the bartender with a lift of my finger.
He acknowledged me with a lift of his chin and then stopped in front of me, throwing his towel over his shoulder. “What’ll it be?” I had no idea who the guy was, but at the moment I was glad it was anyone but Maisie. I didn’t need to add her bullshit on top of everything else.
“I’ll have a scotch.” I needed something strong that would go down easy. After a few of those I wouldn’t be feeling much of anything.
“Coming right up.” He set off towards the other end of the bar to retrieve a fresh, clean glass and a hand interrupted my thoughts as it skimmed across my back.
I turned to my left and couldn’t stop the frown from forming on my lips at the sight of Maisie. Shit, I thought I had dodged that bullet.
“Hiya, babe,” she purred, as she tried to snake her hand across my chest before I circled my hand around her forearm and gave her a less than gentle squeeze to inform her that I wasn’t interested.
“Dammit, Maisie, quit trying to be so fucking desperate, it’s not attractive. At first I thought the whole act was endearing, but now I see you for what you really are…pathetic.” Tears immediately welled up in her eyes as she brought her hands to her face and ran off towards the back. The bartender sat down my scotch and I snatched it from the counter before throwing it straight down my throat, the trail igniting as it made its way to my stomach. I slammed down the empty glass and lifted my head, “Keep ‘em coming.” I didn’t mean to snap at Maisie, it wasn’t fair for her to be the outlet of my anger. But the damn woman was ruthless and just couldn’t take a fucking hint.
“What’s with the foul mood?” Tillie showed up beside me at the bar, turning her stool so she was looking in my direction and propped an elbow on the wooden bar top.
“I’m sorry, Ms. Tillie. It was a momentary lapse in judgement, I had no right to lash out at her. I’ll find Maisie and apologize to her later.”
“Nonsense,” she lifted a haggard finger in the air, signaling to the bartender to bring her a beer. “Maisie is a hard-headed woman. It was high time someone put her in her place–trying to pick up any and every guy that crosses the threshold into my bar. Hell, the only reason I keep her around is because I’m forced to. Don’t get me wrong, I love my granddaughter, but she doesn’t have too much going on upstairs, if you know what I mean,” she joked as she pointed to her brain.
She looked past me briefly before bringing her eyes back to mine. “Where is your lady friend?” My face fell. “Oh,” she exclaimed as she took a pull of the beer that had appeared in front of her. “That’s what this pout fest is all about.”
I sighed and took a sip from my fresh scotch, letting the glass dangle from my fingertips. “She’s not my lady. Not my decision though.” I looked at her with hurt in my eyes and shrugged a shoulder. “She didn’t love me enough to stay.”
“Bullshit,” she said point blank. “No one spends five thousand dollars on a guy at an auction for shits and giggles.”
“Even if she did, she doesn’t have those feelings for me anymore.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. Women, especially ones like that pistol Julia, don’t just turn their feelings off and on like a leaky faucet. Boy, are you wanting to throw in the towel or throw down the gauntlet? You need to show some perseverance and not give up on her.” She allowed her gaze to travel down my seated form and lingered a little longer than necessary at my crotch, making me raise a lip in distaste, as she muttered under her breath, “I’m sure you’ve got oodles of stamina too.” I could see where Maisie got it from. She waved a hand, “Give her some time to gather her feelings without making her feel overwhelmed. Then try and talk to her. Did you let her know how you feel?”
I shook my head in response, “I tried, but she wouldn’t let me.”
“Make her listen to you. But like I said, give her a bit of time first.” She waved her hands around in the air in front of her towards my body, “All of this can be a bit overwhelming.”
With her strange version of advice she drained the remainder of her beer and slid off of the stool and disappeared into the back, leaving me to my own devices.
After I had successfully downed my third scotch, music began playing from behind me. Realizing what it was I released a groan out of pure annoyance. I couldn’t believe that the fact that it was Monday, therefore karaoke night, didn’t even cross my mind. If I had remembered, then I would’ve stayed clear of this place. As if I needed anything else that reminded me of Julia. Her scent lingering on my ottoman was more than enough.
I needed more to drink. I impatiently threw up my arm indicating my urgent need for a refill. The alcohol was doing its job, coursing through my veins on the way to helping lessen the pain in my heart. The sweltering heat in this place had forced me out of my suit jacket after scotch number two. And now here I was taking off my cufflinks and tossing them on the bar, watching them scatter along the surface and spin like tops, so I could roll up the sleeves on my pale green dress shirt.
My posture slumped forward on the bar stool as I placed my elbows on the counter. I’m sure I looked pathetic, but there wasn’t anything I wanted more than to continue to drown my sorrows. Tomorrow…No, I’m sure I’d be nursing a tremendous hangover, but by Wednesday I’d be more than ready to do everything in my power to get Julia back. That should be more than enough time for her and since it would be Christmas Eve I would have a legitimate excuse to reach out to her. Fuck, I didn’t know much about women when it came to things such as this. Would that even be enough time? Was it almost Christmas already? I hadn’t even felt like putting up my tree and still didn’t. The day could just roll right by this year for all I cared.
No, my mind was made up, she would be hearing from me on Wednesday.
The bartender sat my drink down on a new napkin this time and I clasped my hand around the sweaty condensation around the glass to drag it closer towards me. I was few sips in, enjoying the solitude I had created when a hand slapped me o
n my right shoulder. So much for being alone, I thought but quickly regretted it when Baylor appeared to my left.
He ordered himself a beer before he took a seat next to me. “Hey man, haven’t seen you in a while.”
“Yeah,” I nodded, as I took another sip, feeling the cool liquid coat my throat. “I’ve been meaning to stop by since y’all got back, but I’ve been busy.” I was astonished that the lie rolled off of my tongue so easily. Baylor was my oldest friend and any other time I’d be chomping at the bit to hear all about his and Eden’s honeymoon. Well, maybe not all about it. There were some things I just didn’t need to know about. I should be happy for the two of them and I was, but I just didn’t want to dwell on it given how unhappy I was.
I mustered up all my strength and prepared to tune out all the mushy, sappy details, which I was sure would be the majority of the story. “So how was the honeymoon?”
Baylor lifted his bottle of beer to his lips and took a hefty swig before placing it on the smooth wooden surface. “It was good, fantastic actually.” And that was all he said. Someone upstairs needed a high fucking five for taking mercy on me because Baylor didn’t elaborate.
“I’ll let Eden reminisce all the details for you, within reason,” he grinned to himself and I found myself tipping up a corner of my mouth.
“Hey, uh, did you take Julia to the airport last week?”
My throat bobbed as I gulped and quickly brought my glass to my lips so I would have something to take my focus off of the pain of remembering what went down when I took her to the airport.
“Sure did,” I replied evenly.
“Did she seem all right to you? Eden has called her a few times, but she said Julia just seems kind of off, maybe sad even. But won’t say anything to her about it.” My leg started involuntarily bouncing underneath the bar as a cold sweat broke out across my forehead. I tried playing things cool but the second I averted my eyes from his, he knew something was up.
His hand slammed down on the counter, rattling the liquid in my glass, “Dammit, Dean, what’d you do?”
I jerked my head in his direction and said a little louder that I intended to, “Me? Why would you automatically assume it was something I did?!”
“Well, did you?” He asked as he gave me a knowing glance and narrowing his eyes.
I quickly released my breath, deflating my lungs completely of air. I needed to take a second to rein in my anger, if not I’d be lashing out at Baylor because my defenses were up.
I paused briefly to carefully think of what I should and shouldn’t disclose.
“What happened was that I went and fell in love with her and she pretty much wants nothing to do with me.” It was weird finally hearing the words that had been swirling around in my head come out for the very first time. “In the short amount of time knowing Julia, I fell in love with her. She came roaring through like a cyclone destroying everything in her path, including my heart.” I cringed at how pitiful I sounded. Being in love wasn’t supposed to sound like a low point in your life, but without Julia by my side that’s exactly what it was. I was pining for a woman that would probably most likely forget that I was even alive.
Baylor slowly removed his hand from the bar and gave me a calculating look. He opened his mouth, then snapped it shut. He then raised a brow before he finally spoke, “But you hate Julia.”
“Tell me about it,” I rolled my eyes. “I’ve heard that there was a thin line between love and hate, but when it boils down to it, that fucker was thinner than a piece of thread. It took little effort on her part before I was done for. It happened so fast I swear I didn’t even have time to blink. And now,” I sighed and put my head in my hands, “there may be a chance that she’s pregnant, so long story short, she ran.” I briefly chuckled, “She took off early and wasn’t even going to say goodbye until I caught the taxi outside of your house.”
“Shit, man,” he cursed under his breath. “I definitely wasn’t expecting all of that.”
I rubbed my hand over my dark hair, “Heavy, huh? But listen, don’t tell Eden for a bit, please. I don’t need to chase Julia off even more.”
He eyes almost bugged out of his head, “Seriously? Eden is now my wife, I don’t keep things from her.” I shot him a vile look, one that dared him to go there right now.
“With all due respect, this isn’t about you and Eden, so can you do this one thing for me? Please?” I was begging him like a fucking pussy. I’d never once considered keeping anything from my best friend, and already I was regretting telling him about anything that went on between Julia and me.
He seemed to mull over the entire situation before I finally saw it in his eyes that he was caving. He started tearing off the edge of the wrapper of his beer, relaxing back in his seat, and said with amusement laced in his voice, “So, Julia, huh?”
“Shocked the hell out of me too. The attraction was always there, but the spark between us completely blindsided me. Now, it’s like, how can I miss sleeping next to her when she was never there? I don’t want to be home because it’s too lonely without her. I was just a fling for her and now she wants nothing more to do with me.”
“Do you honestly believe that?”
“I don’t want to, no. I think she’s just scared by her past. She knows that I’m not that guy but won’t let herself truly believe it. Add to it the fact that she doesn’t want kids.”
A song cued up that served as a welcome distraction from our conversation. I turned my body so I could look towards the stage to see a twenty-something guy singing along to the song. The scene before me was utterly horrendous, but the song itself reminded me of Julia.
Without any thought as to what I was going to do next, I grabbed the collar of my suit jacket, lifting it off of the back of the stool, and dug my cellphone out of the inside pocket. Hitting the button on the side to illuminate the screen, I was disappointed to see that I had no new notifications. I knew that mostly likely she didn’t even know that she had my phone number, but there were numerous social media sites she could’ve found me on, not to mention my law practice website. But nothing, nada. Was she even thinking about me at all? If she wasn’t now, she certainly would be in a few minutes.
I opened the text messaging app and scrolled through the contacts list until I landed on the name that I had assigned for her, smiling to myself behind the meaning. While she was napping after I wore her out, I snuck her phone into the other room and input my number and then quickly called my phone from it so I would have her number as well. I felt a bit stealthy at the time, but I didn’t foresee things to go down as they had.
My fingers flew across my lighted keyboard and before I lost my nerve, I hit send. Dropping my phone on the counter, I tried my best to relax in my seat, shooting glances at Baylor while trying not to wait for the moment she’d text back.
“What’d you just do?” He eyed me cautiously. Shaking my head, I wasn’t going to answer that. I was too nervous as it was to see if she even replied back.
Finally, after five long minutes, my phone screen lit up, indicating one new text message.
Blonde Bombshell: Sex God? What the? Bentley?
After I read the name I stored in her phone for myself my eyes almost bugged out of my skull. I felt my fists clench into my hands and my anger quickly rising. She thought I was Bentley? Why would she associate him with sex god? Where was he? I turned my head, trying to scan the crowd of people only to see that he wasn’t even here. Before I did something drastic, another text came through.
Julia: I’m only kidding, Dean. But I am changing the name in my phone. So you heard a song that reminds you of me? What is it, “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks?
She could change the name in her phone, but we still knew that what I said was true. I smiled to myself as my fingers furiously typed out my reply. The guy that couldn’t carry a tune that was on stage only had one thing going for him and that was his song choice.
Me: Nice try, but no. It’s “I Want You to Want Me�
� by Cheap Trick.
Julia: Dean…
I thought she was done and that I had messed up again. Why should I keep my feelings bottled up? I was becoming too old to play games, so I was going to take a lesson out of her book and not sugarcoat anything.
Julia: I have a song that reminds me of you. “Insane In the Brain” by Cypress Hill.
Me: Haha! Your hilarious.
Julia: You’re…Mr. Smart Man, who went to school for seven years can’t differentiate between your and you’re?
Me: I never claimed to be an English major…
Julia: Goodnight, Dean.
I was being dismissed, but I couldn’t help the spark of hope that bloomed in my chest at her actually replying to me. Perhaps, maybe I could get through to her after all. She would have to talk to me if she was pregnant, right? Then the vile thought crossed my mind that she may want to get rid of it, and I wanted to haul off and punch something for even letting the thought seep into my brain.
Of course she wouldn’t do that.
But I couldn’t even wholeheartedly believe it myself. I picked up my drink that had been replaced several minutes ago and swallowed the entire thing in one gulp. We had to get to the bottom of things.
Chapter 17
Julia
The past three mornings, I had woken up to a new text from Dean, each with a different song that reminded him of me.
First it was,
Dean: “Just the Way You Are,” by Bruno Mars.
Then on Christmas there was,
Dean: Merry Christmas, Julia! Here is your daily dose of a song that reminds me of you, Christmas Edition. “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” by Mariah Carey.
And finally, this morning was by far my favorite of all the ones he’d sent thus far,
Dean: “Justify My Love” by Madonna.
I smiled at my phone each time I saw the random song and the last one actually had me laughing out loud. He didn’t seem like a Madonna guy to me, or a Mariah Carey guy for that matter. I wanted to ask if he already knew these songs or had to go on a scavenger hunt for them. Maybe he enlisted the help of Eden, but that couldn’t be possible because then she’d be blowing up my phone to get the inside scoop on why I’d kept the fact that Dean and I slept together from her.