by Amber Nation
“Can you please send Dean in here?” Eden just nodded in response and moved to the end of the bed, looking up at me. “Oh God,” I whispered, “I must look awful.” I wanted to cover my face with my hands. The thought of asking for a mirror crossed my mind, but I didn’t want to face what would be staring back at me.
“Julia, you’re beautiful. That man out there is crazy about you, he just wants to know that you’re okay.”
Okay. Well, wasn’t that a loaded word. Within the next few minutes, I guess I should know the answer if I would ever be okay again.
Eden retreated out of my hospital room and I shifted in the bed, trying to make myself a little more comfortable. The nurse had left to retrieve the portable ultrasound machine. She stated that since I wasn’t very far along it would be hard to hear the baby’s heartbeat, so they needed to do the ultrasound internally. So I waited for Dean to make his appearance.
The first thing I noticed was his broad shoulder on his tall frame as he slowly eased his way into the room and when his eyes locked on mine, he stared for a beat. His nostrils flared and his jaw tightened, he squeezed his eyes shut and when he reopened them there was a delicate softness that hadn’t been there before. He rushed over to my side and dropped to his knees, grasping one of my hands in both of his.
Bringing my hand towards his face, he dropped his lips to my skin, placing several closed-mouth kisses, sending burning desire through my flesh. He had yet to speak but his actions were loud and clear. He had dropped everything to be with me. To be by my side. That alone told me what I already kind of knew, but it had been made abundantly clear, solidifying my thoughts. He loved me.
Standing up, he bent over me, bracing his hand on the railing of my hospital bed and carefully dropped his forehead to mine. “Julia,” he breathed. “It tore me up inside to think that I wouldn’t ever get to relay to you my direct feelings. I love you, Julia Caldwell. I love you so much.”
A sob threatened to break free from my scratchy throat. He loved me. Everything would be all right. Everything had to be all right.
The doctor entered the room and cleared his throat, “Ahem.” Dean moved his head to reveal a short foreign man with dark hair and skin standing at the end of the bed glancing through my chart. “The nurse said that you are a few weeks pregnant but also experiencing some pain in your lower abdomen?”
I could see Dean’s eyes snap to my face out of my peripheral, but I couldn’t look at him. I nodded my head, “Yes, sir. I was kicked in my stomach before I blacked out so I don’t know if the pain was from that or from…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence, I refused to believe that our baby was gone.
“Well, the nurse did detect some mild bleeding when you were brought in, so I should be able to confirm whether or not you are miscarrying by a simple pelvic exam.” He came around to sit on the end of the bed and lifted up the bottom of the blanket. His gaze found Dean’s and he said, “Do you wish to stay?”
“You’re not getting me to leave,” Dean said, matter-of-factly. He grabbed ahold of my hand and wouldn’t deter his eyes from mine during the entire exam. We just looked at one another while the uncomfortable prodding occurred.
“Just as I thought, you are in the process of miscarrying. The remaining tissue will be expelled completely through the bleeding, but we will want to monitor you in the hospital for a day or two more just to keep an eye on you. But then you’ll be good to go. Oh, and now we’ll be able to increase your pain medication if need be.” He stood from the bed and snapped off his gloves with a ‘thwak’ before he tossed them into the trashcan on his way out. That jackass could definitely use a little brushing up on his Bedside 101 etiquette. He just told me that I was losing my baby in the same tone of voice he would use to order a fucking cheeseburger. With a little too much pep and completely no empathy.
I wouldn’t ask for more pain medicine, I deserved all the pain I was in. Maybe the physical pain would help cover up all of the emotional. This time when a sob threatened to break free, I let it. Tears were heavily streaming down my cheeks as I looked up to Dean who stood there in shock, void of anything on his face except for the silent tears that fell.
“Dean?” My voice came out as a whimper and I didn’t even recognize it as it sounded so dejected. After a moment he looked down at me and the hurt finally registered on his face. “I know I have no right to ask this, but will you…will you please come lay with me?”
I turned to my side and he carefully tucked himself behind me, making a conscious effort not to touch my IV line or to cause me any further discomfort.
For a few minutes there were no words spoken between us. He just held me while we cried together. For those single, solitary minutes, we could just be.
I was afraid to close my eyes because every time I did, Logan’s image would appear. He took everything from me and I wanted him to pay. When the police came back in the morning I would tell them everything I knew, but I hadn’t made up my mind on whether or not I wanted to take matters into my own hands. Normally I was a full supporter of the police and allowed them to their jobs and serve justice, but look how well that worked out the first time.
“Every time I close my eyes, I see that bastard’s menacing snarl.” I was going to be afraid to look over my own damn shoulder. I refused to live my life in constant fear that some madman was lurking around in the shadows. And I refused that life for anyone I cared about as well. As hard as it would be, living life after having my baby ripped away from me, having to be without Dean, I had no other choice. I wouldn’t put another innocent person in danger because of my past.
I had to let Dean go.
My body began to tremble as the sobs continued to flow. And Dean, God, I loved him, he just held onto me tighter. Admitting to myself that I was in love with Dean Parker made me cry that much more.
“Shh…” he said as he ran his fingers over my hair, it was soothing and I felt myself wanting to relax into his embrace but I didn’t deserve to. “We’re going to get through this together, sweetheart.”
“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for everything,” I muttered through my tears. “It’s pretty ironic, I suppose. At first I wanted nothing to do with the baby and once I began to love the idea, the decision was taken away from us. And all for what? So my jackass ex-husband could try and exact revenge on me? Well, he got it all right. He officially destroyed the rest of me.”
Dean’s hand still on my head, “You wanted the baby?”
My grief was consuming me and I barely managed to release the word in a whisper, “Yes.”
Chapter 22
Dean
The mixture of hearing Julia cry and her admitting that she wanted the baby killed me inside. I had long since given up trying to keep my own tears at bay, allowing them to spill down my cheeks.
“I don’t think I can manage to pick up the pieces again, Dean.” Her voice came out so small and dejected, nothing like the Julia I knew and loved.
If only she needed me to chase away her demons, I would be the best damn bodyguard. But she was already withdrawing into herself, and fast. I was losing her and I didn’t think that anything I said or did would change that.
“I’m a horrible person and when I finally had given my heart to having this baby, it was ripped away from me.”
Ripped away from us.
I wanted nothing more than to find her ex-husband Logan and kill him with my bare hands for what he had done. I held her tightly in my arms, each of us mourning over what we had lost, until she asked me to leave.
Walking out of that hospital room, away from Julia, and down that long white corridor, took courage. Courage that I didn’t know until then that I even possessed.
A piece of me died that day, I didn’t know if she would ever contact me again, but in the end, no matter how much I argued against it, I had to respect her wishes to give her time.
When and if she called, I’d be there.
Chapter 23
Dean
Two long
and lonely months had passed by and spring was upon us. I’d like to say that I kept in touch with Julia, but that would be a lie.
Ever since the day I walked out of the hospital with my tail between my legs, I vowed that the ball was in her court and would remain there. I wasn’t going to keep trying to force something that may never be. No, if she wanted to talk to me, she would have to make the first move.
That wasn’t to say that I never asked about her. I’d ask Eden from time to time for updates, to see if she’d heard from her and how she was doing, but I hadn’t even bothered to ask the last few weeks.
Eden told me that Julia was pretty depressed over everything that had transpired but she wouldn’t outright admit it. Two weeks ago I’d learned from a private investigator that I’d hired that Logan Wesson was found and would be charged accordingly. Since he had violated his parole within the first twenty-four hours of being released, he would never breathe the air as a free man ever again. Not that he should’ve been released in the first place.
My thought was that since Logan Wesson wasn’t a threat to anyone any more, that Julia would try and contact me. She wasn’t fooling anyone, she didn’t want to put anyone else in danger over her past. I would have been doing the exact same thing, which was why I took matters into my own hands and hired a private investigator. It made me rest easier to know that he was keeping an eye on Julia for any signs of danger. The whole incident had proven to me that she did indeed care about me, although since I hadn’t heard a peep from her in those two weeks, I was beginning to think differently.
My heart ached when I thought about her, which was quite often, but I wished it would stop. I wished I could turn my thoughts on and off like a switch, because quite frankly I was tired of the pain. My world had no color without her in it and I wished she would just reach out to me so we could talk things over.
For it being early April, the weather was unusually warm. Spring flowers were in full bloom and I already had to pull a massive amount of weeds that were growing in with my tulips around my mailbox.
Killing my lawn mower, I grabbed a rag out of my back pocket and wiped the sweat that had gathered along my forehead. I couldn’t believe that I had to mow my lawn already, this wasn’t looking promising as to how summer would go. But at least the yard work served as a pretty decent distraction.
My phone vibrated in my pocket and I almost dropped the damn thing on the pavement when I saw that it was a text…from Julia. My heart started racing, slamming against my ribs, threatening to beat right out of my chest. I couldn’t get my fingers to work right, I was so nervous about what the message would say. I kept fumbling trying to open my text messaging app and had to actually pause to take a deep breath. I was such a pussy. Once I clicked on her name, the message appeared and my brows knitted together with vast confusion. What the hell did she mean?
Julia: Sledgehammer
My thumbs flew across my keyboard in record time and I was pressing send, asking to her to elaborate.
Dean: You want to take a sledgehammer…to my face?
In record time my phone was vibrating, alerting me of an incoming text from Julia. I smiled.
Julia: No, not today. That’s what song reminds me of you. Sledgehammer.
I couldn’t for the life of me think of how the song went, the beat, the melody, nothing. I was drawing a complete and total blank. So I went to the one person who would…Eden.
Running through our yards, I made my way in through the garage until I stopped in the kitchen. Even after running that short distance, I was still out of breath. I really needed to start working out more. I had to brace my hands on my knees just to catch my breath and suddenly this felt a little like déjà vu.
Eden took in my form with an amused expression on her face, her brows raised almost into her hairline as if she was saying, “Are you for real?”
“Uh, Dean, what’s going on?”
“Eden! My musical genius best friend. How does Sledgehammer go?”
“Uh, how does a sledgehammer go, what? Are you all right?” she asked with a perplexed look. She probably thought I had turned to drugs or something equally stupid.
“No, the song, Sledgehammer. How does it go? I can’t for the life of me think of it.”
“Why do you need to know? And why couldn’t you just look it up on your phone. You know, the electronic device that is currently attached to your hand?” Seriously? Couldn’t this woman see that I was in a bit of a rush? She was throwing around questions that although made sense, didn’t even initially cross my mind. I was losing patience.
“Eden…” I growled.
Shock registered on her face and her eyes grew wide, she picked up her phone and held up a hand in surrender. “Sheesh, hold on a minute, don’t go all hulk on me.” She tapped a few buttons and a few beats later the girl band, Fifth Harmony, was filling the kitchen with their incredible song. Julia thought of me when she heard this song? Summing it up with a nicely colored bow, it basically said that her body told me that she wanted me but she just couldn’t say the words. That her heart raced every time that she was near, but she kept things aloof, acting as if I didn’t affect her in any way. This was Julia to a T.
I had to call her. I hightailed it out of there, throwing “Thanks,” over my shoulder as I retreated back to my own side of the yard. I discarded my grass-stained shoes in my own garage, chastising myself for running into Eden’s house with them on, and then maneuvered myself inside so I could sit at my kitchen table. I was sure that for this conversation I needed to be sitting down.
After only one ring, Julia immediately answered, the voice I missed and loved so much filling my ears, “Dean?”
I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face. She had reached out to me, all bets were off and I was going to lay the charm on thick. “I love the way you say my name,” I teased.
“What took you so long to call?”
“Honestly? I had to run over and ask Eden to play the song for me. I’d heard it before but you put me on the spot and I couldn’t think of any of the words. So that song really reminds you of me?”
She chuckled lightly, the sound hitting me directly below the belt. God, I missed her. “It does.”
“So how are you?” I want to rapid fire off questions to her, asking her every single thing that came to mind, but I didn’t want to overwhelm her.
“I’m better, I’m doing well. They found Logan two weeks ago and arrested him.”
“That’s great news, such a relief.” I didn’t want to explain to her that I already knew. She didn’t need any leverage against me to use later on, so I just let it go.
“So,” she started off kind of awkwardly, “are you seeing anyone?”
That question caught me completely off-guard. Did she actually think that I would go looking for someone else so quickly? There was no one else for me. “You know the answer to that, Julia.”
I heard her release a deep sigh, was it a sigh of contentment? I wasn’t sure. But then she said four little words that had my heart soaring in my chest, all the ache and pain forgotten. It made me appreciate the number four again, the curse had finally been broken. “I miss you, Dean.”
Happiness was when the woman you loved, who you wanted to fully open her heart and mind to you, finally saw the light deep in her soul and professed that she missed you. Sure, it wasn’t an undying plea of her love for me, but I’d take it. I would take it a thousand times over. Then maybe on one thousand and one, I’d make her at least tell me she loved me.
“You don’t know how happy that makes me. Listen, I just got through mowing the grass and I need a shower. I’ll call you later, yeah?” I could tell by her tone that she was a bit confused as to why I was trying to get off the phone so quickly. I had to set my plan in motion and I couldn’t very well do that with her on the line.
This was the first time she had brought forth any kind of emotion. I was officially done waiting for her and what I was about to do could very well be
the biggest move of my life. Only time would tell if I was doing the right thing.
Chapter 24
Julia
Logan was finally caught and arrested, so for the first time in almost two months, I could finally rest easy. Refusing to go back to my house where all the daunting memories would follow me around and haunt me, I rented a little apartment just down the block from Violet. My co-workers helped me in a tremendous way by packing up all my things and bringing them to my new place. My old house had sold just a few days ago so I didn’t have to let the memory of being there hold me back.
Even though it had been two weeks since Logan Wesson was arrested, it took me a while to crawl out of my depression and I still wasn’t quite one hundred percent, yet. But I needed to start living, really living. Not this floating along life with all these meaningless affairs that ultimately lead to a dead end. I used to think that if I never got involved with anyone else then I wouldn’t have to actually feel anything towards them. Dean showed me that that wasn’t a way to live. He showed me that I had lost myself along the way and he helped me find her again, the woman that I strived to be. He had been dealt a shitty hand in the Ex department same as me and he welcomed me with open arms. I had to learn on my own to do the same thing. Dean Parker ultimately made me want to be a better woman.
I had finally found someone who wanted me wholeheartedly, not just to love me but to take care of me. Being on my own for so long I had forgotten how good that felt, to be wanted. I tried everything in my power to push him away due to my hesitant reservations about what happened with my past. But living in the past wasn’t how a person should live their life and from here on out I was only going forward.
Maybe Dean wouldn’t want me anymore, but I had to try. I needed to lay everything out on the line and come out with every feeling and emotion I’d ever had around him even if it was foreign to me to do so.
Taking the first initial step had been nerve-wracking, but I made it through sending out the text message just fine. He responded so quickly there for a bit, but then after a few minutes with no response, I was beginning to get worried. Leave it to Dean to run next door and pester Eden about a song. I mean, she was a radio DJ, she had to know the popular songs. It made me smile just picturing it, I could see each step in vivid detail.