by Brie Paisley
“Are you sure you don’t want to stop by and see Mama? I know she’ll be ecstatic to see you.” Caden’s voice pulls me out of my head, putting a halt on the way my thoughts were going. I turn to face him, thinking of what to say. “It’s fine if you don’t want to. I just thought I’d ask again before I drop you off at the Barrett’s.”
I sigh, looking away. I do want to see Linda and Mitchell. I miss them just as much as I’ve missed Annie and William. But, I can’t let anyone else see me this way. I feel as though I’ve hit rock bottom. I look and smell horrible. The last thing I want is for them to pity me, and question what happened. If anything, I don’t want them to see how ashamed I am of myself. I could’ve changed how I came back, but I didn’t. I was too weak. “Maybe some other time,” I say quietly. I can’t help but feel like a terrible person as his face falls. He nods, and I hope he understands why I don’t want to see them yet, even if I haven’t told him. Caden used to be very good at reading people, their emotions, and I don’t think that skill ever left. He looks over at me for a moment, giving me a small smile. It reassures me he’s not upset I turned down his request. “Tell me about everyone. How are they?” I add. I want to change the subject, and I do want to know how everyone has been.
Caden makes a right at the red light outside of town. Our ride is coming close to an end, and I realize I don’t want it to. I want to talk to Caden for hours about what I’ve missed. “Who do you want me to start with? You’ve been gone a long time. A lot has changed.”
I think about it for a few minutes before I decide. “Cason. Tell me about him.” I knew it would be best to start with Caden’s twin. Back when we were kids, they shared a bond none of us understood.
I watch his face light up as I mention Cason’s name. He smiles, saying, “Cason is Cason.” He chuckles loudly as if he’s reliving a memory. “He owns a gym now. Mostly teaching the ladies how to defend themselves, and he seems to like being a personal trainer.” He looks both ways at another stop sign before he turns right once more. I start to ask more about Cason, but Caden begins to give me more information. “Cason is probably the one that’s changed the most. You remember how he used to be very quiet, never got into any trouble and was pretty smart in school.” I nod, remembering before I left, Cason seemed the same as he always was. “Well, he’s not like that anymore. None of us understood what happened. It happened shortly after you left, and we went through some shit with Carter. I don’t really know what’s going on with him, and that’s saying a lot since I can always tell when something’s off. He’s always in a pissed off mood or picking fights for no reason. I’ve had to get him out of trouble more times than I’d care too.”
I feel my chest tighten when he mentions Carter, but I ignore it. Caden doesn’t speak for a few moments, and I don’t interrupt him for a while. He seems lost in his thoughts, and I hate that Cason isn’t the same as he once was. “What about Clark and Caleb?” I ask, hoping to take his mind off his troubling twin.
“Clark’s deployed right now. He joined the Army as soon as he turned eighteen, and he calls home every chance his gets. He’s always been the hero type out of all of us. Now, Caleb, he’s doing pretty well. He’s getting ready to graduate at MIT.”
“Really? Wow, that’s amazing. I always knew Clark would join the military. It’s all he ever talked about, and Caleb’s one of the smartest people I know. It doesn’t surprise me he went to MIT.”
“Yeah, I’m proud of both of them, but I can’t help but worry about Clark getting deployed so much. This will be his fourth deployment, and he tries to play it off when he comes home that he’s not affected by what he has to do or sees, but Carter and I notice it. He’s not the same, and I can’t say I blame him. I don’t know if I could handle seeing the shit he does. ”
I clench my jaw, turning my head away, hearing Caden mention Carter again. No matter how long it’s been, just hearing his name makes my chest ache. It’s like when you love someone so much, then suddenly they’re not apart of your life anymore, any type of conversation about them makes you miss the good times. The times when you were happy. I don’t respond to Caden, letting the silence take over the car again. Glancing out the window, I watch the houses pass by. It’s strange how everything seems the same, but completely different. My stomach fills with butterflies as we pass over the railroad tracks, knowing any moment we’ll be at Annie and William’s home.
Caden expertly takes a sharp curve, and I see their house. It’s exactly how I remember it. It’s a small two-story house, with a country feel to it. The paint is now a pale yellow, instead of the bright color it was before I left. The yard is beautifully manicured, and I can’t help but remember how I used to help Annie plant flowers in the spring. Caden pulls into their gravel driveway and parks. He doesn’t turn off his police car, letting it idle. I think he knows I need to do this part on my own, and I really don’t want Caden seeing me break down. I can already feel the tears burning in my eyes, and a lump forming in my throat.
I unbuckle my seat belt, then place my bag in my lap. Right before I open the door, I feel Caden’s hand on my shoulder. “Here’s my cell,” he says as he hands me a piece of paper. “If you ever need anything, anything at all, call me. Even if it’s just to talk or if you need a ride.” I take the piece of paper, holding onto it like a lifeline. I nod, but I can’t look at him. My eyes are full of unshed tears, and I don’t dare blink. I don’t want to cry.
Instead of saying anything, he pulls me into his arms, hugging me tightly. I squeeze him, hoping he understands how grateful I am for the ride, even if I can’t tell him at the moment. I slowly pull away, quickly getting out of the car. Shutting the door, I glance up at the front porch. I’ve made a lot of memories on that front porch. The Harlow boys and I would eat popsicles on the swing in the summer. We would play Go Fish and I Spy once we got bored. I had my first kiss on that porch. Many nights of kissing, actually.
I swallow, and shake my head as I will the memories to stop. I rearrange my bag strap on my shoulder and place the piece of paper in my pocket, as I walk towards Annie and William’s home. I hear Caden pulling out of the driveway, and I have to make myself not run to the house when Annie steps outside. Tears continue to fill my eyes as I get closer. Reaching the porch, I take the steps one at a time, careful not to trip. I get to the top, a place that I’ve been a thousand times, and grin when I see Annie smiling brightly back at me. It seems surreal seeing she hasn’t changed that much in thirteen years. Her hair is all gray now, and a few more wrinkles cover her face, but everything else looks the same. Her honey brown eyes light up as I walk closer. I’m about a foot taller than she is, but that’s never stopped her from taking me in her arms.
“Hi, Annie.” I hear a gasp from her, and I wrap my arms around her small frame. I can’t even describe how I feel at this very moment. I don’t stop the tears from falling. I don’t stop the cries that escape, but Annie never says a word. She rubs my back, letting me cry. I slowly pull away when my tears finally seem to dry up. I wipe my face with the back of my hands, and let out a laugh when Annie takes the dish towel off her shoulder. She wipes her face, then waves it back and forth afterwards.
I don’t know how to explain my unexpected visit, but Annie doesn’t give me the chance to even try. “Come on inside. I’ll get you set up in your old room, and we can talk later.” I nod, following her inside the house. I shut the screen door behind me, as a sense of calmness washes over me. Even as a little girl, Annie and William’s home always seemed relaxing. It was as if I knew I belonged here instead of with my Mom. I always felt as if I were apart of The Barrett family, and there was never a time I didn’t feel safe and loved. Their house still feels this way. I grin, noticing their home hasn’t changed that much either. The hardwood floors are still the same dark color. Their couch still looks old, but comfortable. Pictures still cover the walls, and I walk over to inspect a few new ones on the entertainment center. I remember asking Annie once, why she didn’t have any ch
ildren of her own. She smiled at me, saying, “I have you and the boys. That’s all I need.” I was too young to really understand, but as I got older, I realized Annie and William had tried for years, and it just never happened for them. Maybe that’s why fate brought me to them. Maybe some higher power saw how awful Mom was, and sent me here. I still remember the day I met them. I was seven, and I’d gotten lost in Wal-Mart while Mom was shopping. Annie found me, and helped me look for her. I remember Annie made me feel safe, and I was so comfortable around her. Once we realized Mom had left me, Annie took me back to her house and made me supper. Mom didn’t come get me until the next day, but after that, I came over every day to see them.
I hear Annie calling for William, and I drop my bag, thankful to be brought out of my memory. I sit down on the comfy couch, as Annie walks into the kitchen. I can see her from where I’m sitting and watch her pull a plate out of the cabinet. I assume she’s fixing a plate of food when she turns, making her way to the stove. My head snaps right as I hear heavy footsteps. I already know who it is, and when I see him, I jump off the couch and run to him. He immediately opens his arms, embracing me as he always did when I was younger. I close my eyes, taking in his familiar smell of motor oil and of the outdoors. “It’s been way too long, Shelby.”
I let him go and nod. “I know. It’s good to be home.”
“Come on, you two. I got breakfast waitin’,” Annie interrupts. I smile and William places a hand on my back as we walk into the kitchen. I’m still shocked at how William and Annie haven’t changed much over the years. William’s jet black hair is still streaked with grey. His dark brown eyes still have warmth in them, and you can’t help but smile when he does. I take a seat, and shake my head seeing how much taller William is compared to Annie’s small frame. But they just fit together. They’re the couple that you could never picture one without the other. When you’re around them, you can’t help but feel their love, just like now. I look away, as they share a sweet peck on the lips, and feel my face flush. Even after all this time, I still feel as though I’m intruding on their sweet moments.
Annie sets a plate full of food in front of me, and my mouth instantly starts to water. I lick my lips and devour the food. I scarf down the scrambled eggs, then move onto the crispy bacon. I have most of my food eaten before Annie places a glass of orange juice in front of me. I drink the entire glass before I notice the concerned looks from Annie and William. I glance a way, wiping my mouth. Neither one say anything about how I’m eating my food, and I’m glad for it. I don’t want to explain anything. Maybe one day I’ll talk to Annie about it, but right now, I don’t want them feeling sorry for me.
Annie places a hand on top of mine, and I know she understands. I can see it in her eyes. She pats my hand as she asks, “When did you get back in town?”
I sigh in relief when she doesn’t ask me anything I’m not ready to talk about yet. “An hour ago, actually. I was walking from the bus stop when Caden saw me and offered to give me a ride.”
William nods, as Annie responds, “Oh, Caden, he’s such a sweetheart. You know Caden and Cason still stop by from time to time. I know Clark and Caleb would if they were here. Carter used to come by more, but he hasn’t lately.”
“Really?” I nervously pick at my jacket, hoping that today isn’t a day Carter randomly stops by.
“Of course they do. It’s always nice to see the boys and spend time with them.”
“Caden was here this past Sunday, helping me work on the old pick-up,” William chimes in. I nod, making sure I eat my food slowly, and more lady like. Annie and William continue to talk about the Harlow boys, and my heart clenches every single time Carter’s name is mentioned. Neither Annie nor William seem to notice how quiet I become, but I like hearing more about how things are going. We all finish eating, but none of us leave the table. Annie and William ask me how college was, if I liked South Carolina, and what my job was. I give them a brief summary of my time there, not wanting to go into detail about my life back then. I mainly talk about my job I had as an accountant. They both seem proud of me when I tell them I was the branch supervisor, and how I was going to get a promotion for the district manager if I hadn’t left. They don’t ask why I left, but I notice the look from them. They seem to communicate in a secret language that I’m not privy to. I don’t tell them anything about Easton, or how we were married for seven years. I don’t tell them anything about Mom moving to South Carolina, and ruining everything I had going for me. As the thought crosses my mind, I realize maybe Mom doing everything she did was my way of coming home. Maybe everything that happened, did for a reason, even if I don’t know what the reason is yet.
Annie stands as she starts to clear the table, and I quickly get up to help her. “Let me take care of this, and William will carry your bag upstairs for you.”
“Are you sure you don’t need any help?”
“I think I can handle a few dishes. Go on, I’m sure you would like to lay down from all the travelin’.”
“Thank you, Annie.” I give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek, hoping she knows how much I appreciate her gentle nature. William follows me into the living room, stopping me before I can pick up my bag. I know better than to protest, and follow him upstairs. I suddenly feel tired, and I know it’s because I’m exhausted from traveling, not to mention from having a home cooked meal. My room is still where it was the last time I was here years ago. Down the hall, first door on the right. William opens the door, and I can’t believe how nothing has changed except the bed has upgraded to a full instead of a twin.
William doesn’t say anything as I walk further into the room and touch my old porcelain dolls on the dresser. Annie let me pick out some of them for my birthday when I was fourteen. I turn around, seeing William standing by the door, watching me carefully. I wonder if he thinks I’m going to run away again or break down seeing my old room. It’s strange to think they kept it all this time. “Everything is exactly how I left it last. Except the bed of course.”
William nods, then says, “Annie and I always knew you’d come home when you were ready.”
I look away, not wanting my emotions to get the best of me. I sit down on the bed and let out a deep sigh. “Are you sure it’s alright if I stay here?” I glance up at him, quickly adding, “Just until I get back on my feet.”
William sits on the bed beside me, and lets out a heavy breath before saying, “This house has and will always be your home too. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been gone. You know you can stay here as long as you’d like, for however long you need.” He pats my leg, then gets up. William starts to walk out of my room, but then stops, and turns back to me. “I’m glad you’re back where you belong. We sure have missed you.”
“I’ve missed y’all too,” I mutter, then he’s gone, letting me have a moment to take in everything. It’s a welcoming feeling. A sense of belonging somewhere in the world again, and I’m proud of myself for making the decision to come back here. I could never regret being back, with the two most gracious people I know.
Thoughts of how amazing Annie and William are, begin to make me sob. I wish I never left. I wish I would’ve stayed, letting their love keep me safe. I slowly lay down, letting all the bad memories of the past shed with my tears.
The cold January air hits my face as I step out of my truck, but the sun shining makes my mood better. Shutting the door behind me, I hope today isn’t filled with dread like it normally is. It began months ago when Dad told me he was getting ready to retire. I knew exactly what that meant before he told me, and I’ve been avoiding making the very big decision about taking over our family law firm ever since. I flip my keys around my finger as I begin to walk to our building on Main Street, working through my conflicted thoughts. Dad called me a few nights ago, asking if I’d given the offer anymore consideration. Of course I have. It’s something that never leaves my mind, and I know I’m putting it off for no reason. I just don’t know if I want the responsibility of
running the firm. My father runs a tight ship, and maybe it’s more a feeling than the thought of not being able to live up to his legacy. I’ll never be as good as him and even though I’ve been doing this for years, I just can’t shake the uneasy feeling I get when I think of the firm being solely mine. It’s the doubt, and the fear of change that makes me question my decision so much.
My stomach grumbles, and I’m reminded I didn’t get breakfast with my family this morning. It’s been a tradition since I was a kid to have an early breakfast with my Mom, Dad, and, my annoying at times, brothers. Mom called me first thing this morning when I was twenty minutes late, but I didn’t have the extra time today. It’s my own fault for staying up so late talking with Bethany. And it’s not the romantic, stay up all night fucking, or spilling your guts to someone kind of night. It was a night trying to talk her out of doing her usual nerdy thing, and wanting me to come over to get another tattoo. Bethany and I are more like brother and sister. She annoys the hell out of me like a sister would, and I give her hell at the guys she dates when she does date. She’s smarter than any chick I know, and I’ve told her more than once she’d give Caleb a run for his money. I’d known her since Dad handled her parent’s divorce about five years ago. Bethany is ten years younger than me, but when I saw her sitting in the lobby, waiting for her parents to be finished with all the divorce papers, something compelled me to talk to her. She was eighteen then, still a kid in my eyes, but our sibling like relationship bloomed from then on. She apprentices at a local tattoo shop, and I have to keep reminding her I’m not her damn guinea pig. I did let her do a piece on my back, just to show the owner of the tattoo shop, Theo, she’s a brilliant artist.
My thoughts of talking to Bethany last night slip away from my mind, as Mrs. Baker calls out to me. I raise my hand in a friendly wave, knowing she’ll be over around lunch to give us sandwiches from the Bistro she owns across the street. Mrs. Baker isn’t the only one about to open their business for the day. I wave at a few more people as they pass by. I love the south. Everyone’s just friendly, and it doesn’t matter if I barely know some of the new business owners.