by Brie Paisley
Finally, I get to the coffee pots. I stand in front of it as it brews, not paying attention to the throng of people around me. I stare directly in front of me, trying to drown out the noise. I start to zone out, when someone bumps into me. I turn and the waitress Kelly, quickly apologizes. I smile knowing it couldn’t be avoided. There’s just too many of us in one spot. Once the coffee is done, I grab two pots and carefully maneuver my way from behind the counter. I have to lift both pots above my head as someone ducks under me, and I swear to myself I’ll never work another Sunday again. I shake my head and bring the hot coffee pots slowly down as I get into a safer zone. I turn my head to the direction of someone yelling for their much needed coffee fix, and that’s when I see him.
Holy.
Fucking.
Shit.
My body freezes instantly, and my heart literally skips a beat. I feel my stomach fall, and I stop breathing. It happens so suddenly that I wouldn’t have believed it if it not had happened to me. I never thought I would have this reaction to seeing the one person that held so much of me once upon a time. I stare, unable to make my body move and when I see him throw his head back in laughter, it sends chills down my entire body. I don’t see the crowd anymore, they seem to slowly disappear as I watch Carter Harlow laugh with his brothers. Caden is half turned so I can see his face, and I know it’s Cason with them. I don’t even know how it’s possible for Carter to look even more attractive now than he did the last time I saw him.
He’s definitely not a boy anymore, he’s all man.
His dark brown hair has a messy look going on, as if he just crawled out of bed and went about his day. He no longer has those boyish charms, but now he has an edge to him. I can’t see his eyes, but I know they’ll still have a hint of gold in them that I used to love to get lost in. I’m sure now, he has wrinkles around his eyes from years of laughing. I wonder if his lips are still as delectable as they once were on mine. On my body. He’s definitely bulked up too. His shirt tightly hugs him in all the right places, and I know I need to stop staring. In the back of my mind, a little voice is telling me to get back to work and to stop gawking at him, but I can’t seem to care about that stupid voice. I’m getting my fill, and I really could care less about anything else. Carter doesn’t even know I’m here, and his presence is pulling me into a trance.
But suddenly the trance and the pull I’m feeling again, is gone. A customer walks right into me, making me drop the coffee pots. I snap out of my daze and quickly bend down. Now that my back is turned, my head clears. What the fuck am I doing? I silently thank the rude customer for knocking me out of my daze. One of the workers behind the counter hands me a towel, and I try to clean up the mess as quickly as possible. Stephanie comes to help me clean up the glass, and I make sure to keep my back to Carter. I can’t let him see me. I know I’m being a coward, but now that I’m thinking clearly, I’m not ready to face him.
Once the mess is cleaned up, I make my way to the back. I don’t care if I’m needed out front anymore. I’m confident everyone else can handle the madness. I dump the coffee soiled towels in the bucket under the sink and walk to the break room in the very back. It’s not a very big area. It’s just enough room to hold a table, a few chairs, and lockers on the side of the wall. At least there’s a counter for a microwave, and a fridge off to the side of it. I pull out one of the metal chairs and sit down. I place my elbows on my thighs, leaning my head down on my hands. My feet are aching, and my heart will not stop thumping in my ears. I run both hands over my hair, trying to get a hold of myself. I knew this would eventually happen. I couldn’t stop from seeing Carter again, no matter how much I stayed inside Annie and William’s home. I just never expected to be affected so much just from seeing him again. It worries me and at the same time, it excites me. My emotions are all over the place, and I’m confused at how my body is reacting. Surely I still don’t have feelings for him?
I don’t want to believe I do, but deep down I know I still do. What Carter and I had, it was a one of a kind type of love. The kind that will leave you breathless if you ever get to witness it. The kind that will make you crave it knowing you can’t have it. I’ve heard you never forget your first love, and now I can see why. I reach in my shirt and pull out my necklace. I look down at it, and grasp onto it tightly. I take a deep breath, trying to make my mind stop picturing Carter and how much he’s changed. I can’t deny the urge to get to know him as he is now, but I also know it’s not a good idea.
Carter ripped my heart to pieces once, and I know I won’t be able to survive it a second time. Some things are just better left alone, and I believe this is the way it has to be.
I place my necklace back in my shirt and snap my head up as I hear someone clearing their throat. My eyes lock with Cason’s, and I can’t help the grin crossing my face. I automatically can tell it’s Cason from the scar on his right eyebrow that he got when we were kids. “You sure are a sight for sore eyes,” he says, and I get up as he holds out his arms. I walk in his embrace, but I don’t hug him long. He’s tense as hell and when I step back, I can see his jaw tensing. Well, that’s strange.
“How did you know I was back here? Did Caden tell you I was back?” I fire off my questions quickly, wondering if Carter knows I’m here. I can’t shake the nervous fluttering feeling in my stomach just thinking about it.
“He doesn’t know.” I frown at how he knows what I’m worried about, but I shrug it off. I’m sure if Carter knew, he’d be the one back here instead of Cason. “I watched you leave, and I followed you back here. I doubt anyone will notice since they’re so preoccupied with the crowd. And Caden didn’t have to tell me, twin bond remember?” I don’t even have to question the twin bond him and Caden share. Even as kids they shared it, and none of us understood it. Plus, Caden knew I worked here. He was the first person I told after I was hired.
“Yeah, I don’t think anyone even noticed I left.” I rub my forehead with the back of my hand and turn to sit back down. Cason follows me, and pulls out a chair beside me. It seems Carter and Caden aren’t the only one that’s changed a lot over the years. Cason still has the same features as Caden with the deep blue eyes and dark hair. Only Cason’s is shorter than Caden’s, and Cason has a hard and dangerous vibe about him. I can’t put my finger on why, but I’m guessing it has something to do with what Caden told me about him when I first got back. Cason also has put on muscle and from what I can tell, he’s got some ink done since I can see it barely showing from beneath his shirt sleeve. I can feel Cason’s eyes on me, and it’s starting to make me squirm in my seat. His gaze is a mixture of curiosity, and do I dare say, a bit of anger? “What?” I ask, wondering why he’s staring at me so intently.
He rubs his chin, and turns his head toward the door, then back to me. He seems to consider what he wants to say, and I almost tell him to spit it out already when he says, “How long have you been back?”
Okay, not the question I was thinking he’d ask. “About six months.”
I watch as his eyes take in my scar on my upper lip, and I look away. I silently beg him not to ask about it. “How long are you staying?”
I sigh in relief and turn back to him as I reply with, “I’m honestly not sure.” When he clenches his jaw again, I add, “I just … I needed to come back and start over. Things are slowly getting better for me, and right now there’s no reason for me to leave.”
“I assume you’re staying with Annie and William?”
“Yeah. They’ve been wonderful and welcomed me back with open arms.”
He nods, knowing firsthand how amazing they are. “I’ve got to say, I didn’t think you’d ever come back. And I can tell you’ve been through some shit. I won’t ask, but I do want you to know Carter is going to fucking flip when he figures out your back, and you didn’t go see him.”
I cringe at his words, but everything he’s saying is true. I’m such a coward, but who could blame me? “Look, I don’t expect you to understand why I want t
o stay away from him. It’s just not the right time.”
“Yeah, I get it, I really do. There’s a lot you’ve missed, not just with Carter. But, let me ask you this. If not now, when, Shelby? When is it going to be a good time for you? Carter is my brother, and I still think of you as my sister, but you weren’t here, and you didn’t have to see what I did. Or see the shit we all went through.”
“I know I’ve missed a lot. I didn’t want the world to suddenly stop when I left, but what choice did I have? And I don’t know when I’ll be ready. I just … I don’t know how to face him, Cason.” I’m trying not to get angry with him. I don’t want to think he’s trying to make me feel guilty of how things were left, but what does he know? I honestly don’t know if he knows the whole story. I have no idea what Carter told him, or his family when I decided to leave. Not to mention, I feel as though he’s not only pissed because I left Carter, but he seems angry I left him too. We once were all close. We used to share everything, and I just left them without saying goodbye. Okay, I do feel guilty about that.
“I don’t want to push you into anything, but dammit, Shel. You need to see him. Even if it’s just for closure for the both of you, but you need to at least talk to him. And I will not lie about seeing you either.”
I figured as much since Caden said the same thing to me the day I got back. “I’ll think about it, okay?” I hope he lets it go because this is all I can give him. The queasy feeling is back in the pit of my stomach, and I really don’t want to talk about this anymore.
“Yeah, you think about it. And while you’re at it, think about coming to see Mama. I know she’ll be happy to see you again.” He taps his knuckles on the table before standing. I watch him walk away, but before he leaves he turns back and says, “I may not know exactly what happened between you and Carter, but it’s not fair to punish the rest of us for what happened. We used to be family, Shel. And family doesn’t turn their back on each other.”
I sit back in my chair shocked and even more confused than I was before. Is that what I’m doing? Am I punishing everyone that’s cared about me because of Carter breaking my heart? I honestly don’t think I am, but at the same time, it would be awkward and hard seeing them knowing Carter and I aren’t together. I can’t help, but feel the regret for running away all those years ago. And once again, I’m back to feeling lost and heavyhearted by the decisions I’ve made in my life.
A couple of weeks has passed since seeing the mysterious woman at the Waffle House. It’s strange all I can think of is her, of who she is, and if I’ll see her again. A nagging thought has plagued me since that day, but damn if I know why. Shaking off the feeling, I pull up at Mom and Dad’s house just like every other weekday. Parking my truck, I quickly make my way inside my childhood home. Just like any other time once inside I feel instantly at home and at times, I wonder why I ever left. I smile hearing Caden laughing and see everyone’s crowded around the kitchen island in the middle. Mom busies herself with finishing up breakfast as Cason sits on the stool with a cup of coffee in front of him. Dad stands by Caden, and everyone looks up when I walk in.
“Well look what the cat drug in,” Caden says and I roll my eyes at him. I’m tempted to flip him the bird, but Mom turns around. I walk over to hug her, then place a kiss her on her forehead. “It’s about time you got here. Why are you always late?”
“What’s with the third degree, Caden?”
He shrugs and says, “I don’t know. I like busting your balls.”
“Caden Michael Harlow, you know better than to talk like that in my house,” Mom scolds him and Cason and I snicker.
“Sorry, Mama.” It never ceases to amaze me. No matter how old we are, if Mom gets on to us, we still feel as though we’re kids again. Mom goes back to finishing up our breakfast, and I make myself some coffee. Standing by Cason, I listen to Dad and Caden talk about his job and his upcoming work schedule. I sip on my coffee as he tells us about some of the people he’s pulled over, and some of his stories are hilarious.
“I wish I’d videotaped it. It was fuc – freaking hilarious how the guy I pulled over reacted.” I don’t miss his almost slip up in front of Mom again. “Anyway, he just had a busted taillight. The way his eyes almost popped out of his head, I thought he was trying to hide drugs or something.”
“How old was he,” I ask.
“Seventeen. I think he might have pissed himself too.”
“Caden, don’t make me get my spoon out,” Mom scolds him again. Cason, Dad, and I slowly back away. We all fear that damn wooden spoon. Mom has beat our asses more than once with it.
“What did I say now?”
“I don’t like that language in my house.”
“I can’t say pissed? That’s not a cuss word.” I chuckle listening to Caden trying to get out of trouble. Some things never change.
“Caden, I’d shut up now if I were you,” Dad warns. Caden throws up his hands in defeat, muttering to himself as he walks to the kitchen table.
“That boy will never learn,” Dad says to no one in particular. He’s partially right. Caden has grown up a lot over the years, but he still has that stubborn attitude he’s always had.
Cason and I follow behind Dad when Mom tells us to go sit down at the table. We take our usual places as we wait for Mom to finish with whatever she’s doing. None of us try to help her. After years of her telling us no, we know what to do now. “Has anyone heard from Clark lately?” I ask them. I haven’t heard from him in a few weeks, and it worries me with him being on deployment again.
“I got an email from him about a week ago, but nothing since,” Cason says.
“He called your mother and me last week. Should be getting another call soon,” Dad responds and I nod.
“Well, I’m jealous. That dick hasn’t spoken to me in a month.” As soon as the words leave his mouth, Mom comes up behind him and whacks him with her whoopin’ spoon. “Ow, Mama! What was that for?”
“Boy, I’ve told you about that mouth of yours.”
Caden rubs his shoulder where she hit him as he says, “That hurt. I’m going to burn that stupid spoon one day.” Cason and I do nothing but laugh. Dad just shakes his head, knowing Caden is just going to keep digging that hole deeper and deeper.
“If you would just shut your mouth, you wouldn’t get smacked,” Cason says to Caden.
“You stay out of this, little brother.” I lean my head back, and groan, knowing what’s about to happen.
“Seriously? That again, huh. You were born three minutes before me.”
“Here we go,” Dad says. Mom and I say nothing as they bicker back and forth. Mom sets the food down on the table, and I tune out Cason and Caden’s arguing. They do this so much it’s just another normal day at the Harlow’s for us. They were horrible as kids, but surprisingly they’re still close. I have a feeling that’s why they always argue. They’re pretty much attached at the hip, and they even live together.
I load my plate down with Mom’s fantastic cooking and finally, Caden and Cason shut up long enough to do the same. I start chowing down on Mom’s cooking, and the table goes quiet while everyone else does the same. The silence doesn’t last long, and I’m not surprised. It never does when you have Caden and Cason in the same room. “Are you going to train that chick at the gym, Cason?”
“Probably not. And no, I’m not banging her.” Cason looks up to Mom and adds, “Sorry, Mama.”
“You boys and your mouths are going to be the death of me. I know I raised you better than that.” Mom shakes her head, and Dad places his hand on hers. They smile at each other and I look away, feeling as though I’m intruding on their moment.
“You should bang her. She’s smokin’ hot.” And Caden ruins it.
“Dude, can you stop it already?” I tell him.
“Okay, Dad.”
“You’re such an a – pain.” Caden smirks at my almost slip up in front of Mom. I think that’s his plan.
Cason leans over and says, “I thin
k we should take him outside, and teach him a lesson.” I nod, actually considering it.
“Hey! Don’t take his side. You’re my twin, it’s unnatural for you not to have my back.”
“Where do you come up with this stuff, Caden?” It blows my mind at the shit that comes out of his mouth. His eyes narrow, then he gives Cason a knowing look. I glance at them both, wondering what that’s about.
“Hey, Mama? Didn’t you say you needed to drop off some sewing stuff to Mrs. Barrett?” Caden asks. Cason shakes his head, but has a cheeky grin.
“I did, but I can’t go over there today.” She and Dad both stare at me and I look around, thinking something’s up.
“Carter, would you be a dear and take it by there for me?”
“Uh sure, Mama.” Why is everyone staring at me?
“Yeah, I think that would be a great idea,” Cason says and Caden grins, agreeing with him. Okay, now I really feel like I’m missing something here.
“Alright, what’s going on?”
“Not a thing,” Caden says a little too quickly for my liking.
“Whatever,” I say as I look at my watch. “If I’m going, I need to head out now so I’m not late opening today.”
I start to slide my chair back, but Dad speaks before I get up. “I’ll open today. You take your time and visit with Annie and William. It’s been a while since you’ve been over there.”
I frown, having the feeling of uneasiness in the pit of my stomach. Dad hasn’t opened the firm in, well shit, I can’t remember it’s been so long. “Why do I get the feeling y’all are setting me up for something?”
“Oh, honey. Just do as I asked.” I concede, knowing I can’t say no to my Mom.
I drive to Annie and William’s house slower than I normally would. They don’t live far from my parents, but it has been a long time since I’ve visited them. I always smile and talk to them when I see them in town, but as far as going to their home, it’s been months. Possibly longer. I hate trying to avoid it, but shit it’s a reminder of what I’ve lost. That was Shelby’s home, no matter if she had a mother and a home of her own. So many of our memories were made at the Barrett’s. But I can’t say no to Mama, and even if I really don’t want to do this, I will anyway since she asked me to.