by Amy Lillard
“And that’s it?” Clara Rose asked.
“Isn’t that enough?” Tess jumped to her feet and threw her hands in the air. Her earlier frustration rose to the surface once again. “I don’t understand. I look around me and I see how happy everyone is, and I want that happiness. Then I go home to Jacob and the happiness is not there. Why is the happiness not there?”
Clara Rose stood and took her hands into her own. “Honey, you have to make your own happiness.”
Tess stopped as still as the eye of the storm. Make her own happiness? Was that even possible?
“You can’t compare your relationship with Jacob to other people’s relationships with their husbands. It’s not healthy.”
Tess shook her head. “But I want that. I want what everyone else has. I want a husband who does things for me, who wants to be with me, wants to spend time with me, and doesn’t spend all his time playing on Facebook. Is that too much to ask?”
“No. Of course not.”
“See? Even you admit it. Obie doesn’t spend all his time on his cell phone.”
He picked that moment to walk back in through the kitchen door. He had a cell phone pressed to his ear. He walked with it as if he’d been born to talk on that phone. Tess somehow managed to keep her jaw from hitting the floor.
“But he has—”
“A cell phone,” Clara Rose said. “Yes, and a Facebook page. Three, actually. One personal page and then one for his business with his puppies and one that he shares with Gabe Allen Lambert.”
Tess frowned. “Titus’s brother?”
“Jah.”
“But—but . . .” Tess faltered. It wasn’t just about owning a cell phone. It was about more than that. It was about completely ignoring her. It was about the relationships that other people had. She wanted that happiness. Why couldn’t she have that happiness?
* * *
She would have to pack if she was leaving. But there was a part of her that hoped maybe some of what Clara Rose said was true. Could she make her own happiness? Were her comparisons unhealthy for her relationship with her husband, or were those the thoughts of a person who had no idea? She just didn’t know.
Her heart gave a quick thump as her house came into view. Not her house, but Jacob’s.
He came out onto the porch the minute he saw her walking up the drive. “Tess? What are you doing here?”
“I came to get a few things. I think I’m going back to Clarita.”
“You think?” Jacob asked.
“Well, I don’t know for sure.” Why couldn’t she come up with a coherent response?
“Why don’t you know for sure?”
Tess shook her head. “I am. I am going back.” But her heart clenched in her chest as she said the words. She didn’t want to go back. Jah, she wished she lived closer to her family, closer to her mamm and dat, but she really wanted to spend her time with Jacob. Just not the way they had been spending time together lately.
Tell him, the voice inside her said. They couldn’t work anything out if she didn’t tell him.
“I’m not happy, Jacob.”
She watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed hard. “Okay. Why aren’t you happy?”
Tess outlined all the reasons why, beginning with the fact that he never seemed to be available to her anymore and ending with his Facebook page. But even as she said the words they sounded petty. No matter how many times she said them, it seemed as if she was a small child stomping her foot in order to get what she wanted. And all she wanted was a good marriage. That child in her rose up again. Why couldn’t she have that? “I look around me,” she continued. “Everyone around us has things. They have fancy tractors, big houses, faster horses. They have everything. And the people who maybe don’t have everything financially”—she shook her head—“they have each other, and that’s a lot, as it’s more than we have.”
Jacob frowned. “How can you say that?”
“I say it because I don’t have my face glued to a cell phone every waking moment I have off.”
“Now we’re getting somewhere.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’ve not liked my phone since the first day that I got it.”
“Why should I like it? It does nothing but bring me pain. Once you get on there you don’t want to do anything else.”
“Once you stick your head in a seed catalog I never see you again,” he countered.
“The seed catalog is a far cry from the cell phone.”
Jacob gave a quick nod. “That very well may be, but the end result is the same. You sit in your chair and ignore me and so I get out my phone for my own entertainment.”
She shook her head. “No, you get on the phone first. Then I get out the seed catalog.” Or the goat books or even a romantic library book. Suddenly it became a little clearer to her. Could she have been ignoring her husband as much as she was accusing him of ignoring her? The thought was unsettling.
“Everyone’s happy. I want that happiness,” she said, once again feeling like a small child stomping her foot in order to get her way.
Jacob took a step toward her. “Are you saying you’re unhappy?”
“Yes, I am. I mean, sometimes.”
“What are you unhappy with?” Jacob asked.
She was unhappy with a lot of things. “Like how you come in and tell me you’re going to sell my goats.” There. She’d said it.
“They’re so much work for you. Why should you do that much extra work?”
“Because I want to. Because I enjoy them. Because I want to contribute to our house.”
“But I’ve told you time and time again that it’s not necessary.”
“Just like you tell me time and time again that we can move, but only if we have enough money.”
“It’s more than that. We have to have property to buy as well. And until something becomes available, we have to stay right where we are.”
“I think I should leave now.” It was the only way she could imagine stopping this argument. They were going around in circles with no end in sight.
Jacob opened his mouth as if to protest, then shut it again. “Fine,” He turned on his heel and stormed back into the house.
* * *
One day passed and then another. Sunday came and it was time for church. Tess could feel the pitying gazes as she walked through the throng of people, but she kept her chin high. Not even once did Jacob try to talk to her. That was when she knew it was well and truly over.
Clara Rose had talked Tess into staying through to the next quilting meeting. She even promised to pay the driver herself if only Tess would stay.
So Tess stayed. It wasn’t about the money. She wanted to stay, see her friends one more time before she left.
She felt like a shell of herself going through the motions. She had nothing to offer. She did what she had to do. But at least she would be home for her sister’s wedding. The thought should have been a happy one, but it wasn’t.
“I tell you, this is the hottest summer I ever remember.” Verna Yutzy shook her head, then turned her attention back to her plate of treats. They had quilted for a while, then switched their attention to food since this was a sort of going-away party for Tess. She only wished that Mariana could have been there too.
“The heat makes people do all sorts of crazy things,” Clara Rose added.
“We need some rain,” Eileen said.
They did, but rain would mean Jacob would have to take a day off from work. Not that it mattered to her any longer. She had a driver all lined up. This afternoon she was heading back to Clarita. Back to her family.
Jacob hadn’t reached out to her even once since that day on their front porch. Correction, his front porch. It wasn’t hers any longer. And neither was he.
“I’ll tell you,” Verna started. “The heat used to make Abraham do all sorts of weird things.”
Clara Rose shook her head. “Please don’t tell us. He was my dawdi, after all.�
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Everyone laughed. Everyone but Tess. She couldn’t get a handle on the fact that she was leaving. She should be happy that she was going. She was getting her second chance. Well, as much as she could and still be married. And that was what she wanted. Wasn’t it?
She just didn’t know.
Everyone talked and laughed around her, telling jokes and trying to lighten the mood, but all Tess could think about was how unhappy she was. This move was supposed to make her happy. She wanted the perfect life of the people around her, and by leaving . . . she still wouldn’t have it. And the worst part? She wouldn’t have Jacob at all.
Her heart did a dive in her chest. She was leaving. Leaving! And it was changing nothing. She would be without Jacob, and that was something she didn’t think she could bear. It was hard enough to love him and feel that she had lost him to the phone and Facebook, but it was another matter altogether for her not to have him at all.
Her shortsightedness hit her like a ton of bricks. Her breath caught in her throat, and suddenly everything that Clara Rose had been telling her became real.
She couldn’t compare her marriage to those of the people around her. Obie had a cell phone. She should ask and ask Jacob to attend marriage enrichment classes until he finally said yes.
Her marriage was worth more effort than she was giving it, than she had given it. She should be ashamed of herself, and she was. Jacob worked hard. He wasn’t perfect, but he deserved better than a wife who pledged her all but didn’t deliver.
She looked from Clara Rose to Eileen and threw her half-eaten goodies into the trash. She had been taught her entire life to take only what she could eat and eat everything she took, but this was another matter altogether. “I have to go.”
“Go where?” Eileen asked, casting a quick glance into the trash.
“Home.” Her lips stretched into a wide smile.
“Is Bruce here already?” Clara Rose asked.
Tess shook her head. “No. I’m going home to Jacob.”
* * *
There was no sense in prolonging the inevitable. Tess wasn’t coming home, and it surely wasn’t a home without her.
Jacob looked into the long faces of her precious goats. He didn’t want to sell the beasts. Not now, anyway. He had heard rumors that Tess had already gone back to Clarita, but he had also heard that she was scheduled to leave today. The date might still be in question, but the intent to leave was clear. And just when he’d found the perfect property.
It was in their budget, the exact size they needed, and there was plenty of room for her goats. The man who was selling the land actually had a few more goats to add to her herd, but now that wouldn’t be the case at all.
In fact, he was letting the house go completely and moving in with his parents. It seemed like such an act of failure. But he hated his roofing job and he wanted to work the land. He could help his father much more and be happier than scrimping and scraping, trying to get a farm that no one would live on.
His cell phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out and checked the screen. It was the number for the Realtor. She would want to know his decision on the property.
He hadn’t been able to tell them outright that his wife had gone. And some little part of him hoped that she would return. He wrestled with the idea of finding her and telling her about the land and about all their dreams that were about to come true, but he didn’t want her that way. He wanted her to come because she wanted to come. Not because of what he could give her, but because of him.
He shook his head at himself. He’d been hanging out with the English too long. Jah, that was for sure.
He thumbed the screen to answer the call. “Hello?”
“Jacob? It’s Margie Anderson. Have you thought any more about the property? My seller’s getting a little antsy. He thought you really wanted it.”
He had really wanted it. He had wanted it for himself. He had wanted it for Tess. And he wanted it for the family that he thought they would have, but somehow everything had gone awry. “I just wanted to think about it a little more.” He wanted that property so badly that he couldn’t bring himself to tell her that it would never be his. And that made him a big, fat chicken.
“Jacob!”
He turned at the sound of that voice to see Tess running down the driveway. The wind caught the tail of her apron and sent it flapping behind her. The strings of her prayer kapp floated behind as well. From here her expression looked happy enough, but she ran with such speed that he knew something had to be wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. As he watched her, he started to tell the Realtor that he needed to go, but the words wouldn’t come.
“Are you there, Jacob?” Margie again.
“I may have to call you back, Margie.”
Tess continued to approach. The closer she got, the more he could see, and the more he could see, the more she looked . . . happy.
“Don’t hang up, Jacob. This is important. I have another buyer that’s interested in the land.”
“Oh, Jacob.” Now that she was within ten feet of him, her steps slowed. But he saw a sparkle in her eyes that he hadn’t seen in a long time. He hadn’t seen it since he moved her from her home.
Suddenly all the problems, all her issues, all the unhappiness that they had suffered slammed into him. He should’ve never moved her from Clarita. He should’ve never moved her from her home. But he had been selfish, wanting to stay near his family, and he hadn’t given a thought to hers. Maybe it was time to move back.
“Give me just a minute,” Jacob said into the receiver.
“Jacob, are you—”
“I’ll call you right back,” he said, his gaze locked with Tess’s. “Give me fifteen minutes. Just fifteen minutes.”
“Okay,” the Realtor said. Then Jacob hung up. He slipped the phone back into his pocket.
“Hi,” he said. Not exactly the most intelligent thing he had ever uttered to Tess, but it was all he could muster. She was supposed to be gone and yet there she stood. He didn’t want to blow it.
“Hi.”
They stood for a moment just looking at each other, then they both started to speak at the same time.
“I’ve got a confession—”
“What are you doing here—”
Tess shook her head. “You first.”
“What are you doing here?” Then he realized how his words sounded. “I mean, I’m glad you’re here. More than happy that you’re here.”
Tess sucked in a deep breath. “It seems I’ve made a mistake. A big mistake.”
“What kind of mistake is that?”
“Well, it seems as if I may have given up on my marriage before I even gave it a chance.”
His heart skipped a beat. “Jah?”
Tess nodded. “And even worse, I started comparing it to other people’s marriages.”
“And then what happened?” He swallowed hard. This conversation wasn’t going exactly the way he thought it would. But she was still smiling; she was still there; she was still his Tess.
“I thought it was lacking.”
It was official. His heart was broken in two. The words cleaved it in half. “You don’t think our marriage is good?” His words were barely a whisper.
Tears rose in Tess’s beautiful brown eyes. “For a while there I didn’t. But today I realized something very important. I realized that I can’t compare our life to someone else’s. I can’t wish for what someone else has.” She wiped her tears away with the back of one hand. “It took me days to realize it, weeks even. But I was so mad about your phone and your job. Then I looked at Clara Rose and Obie and all the other girls I know and saw all the wonderful things that they had. I just wanted something as wonderful.”
“And you still feel that way?”
“I already have wonderful. You have provided for me, loved me, given me a beautiful house.”
He shook his head. “I’ve let the house go.”
Her eyes widened. “Why?”
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��It’s too big for just me.”
The crestfallen look on her face was enough to make his heart lift. “Where are we going to live?”
“I thought you were going back to Clarita.” He had to hear her say it.
She shook her head. “No, I don’t want to move back to Clarita. I belong right here, in Wells Landing. With you.”
He looked from the house to the goats to his wife. “I’m supposed to move in with my parents next week. I thought you were gone.”
Tess shook her head. “I’m staying, and I don’t care where we live, as long as we’re together.”
“You really mean that?”
Tess nodded. “I was a fool. There’s no other way to say it. I was childish and immature, and I don’t know . . . I guess I’ll just blame it on the heat. It makes people do all sorts of crazy things, you know.”
“I know.” He took a step toward her and it was all she needed. She closed the distance between them and flung her arms around his neck. “I mean it, Jacob,” she said as she held him close.
He snaked his arms around her waist and pulled her nearer still.
“I don’t care where we live, I just want to be with you, but you have to promise me one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Promise me that you’ll go with me to marriage enrichment counseling. If not for you, then for me.”
Jacob pulled away to look into her eyes. “Anything for you.”
He lowered his head and placed a small kiss on her waiting lips. Then he drew back. “There is one thing.” He released her long enough to fish his cell phone from his pocket.
A cloud crossed her face. He knew she hated the phone. But this time she might make an exception.
He hit redial and put the phone on speaker. It rang three times before it was picked up.
“Margie here.”
“Margie? It’s Jacob Smiley. About that land . . .”