“I— Uh, I came to see you.”
Her eyes widened in the dark. “Why?”
He gave a soft laugh. “I don’t have much of a reason, Beulah.” She could see him glance around. “Want to take a walk with me?”
She wavered, and then decided taking a walk with him would be better than to be discovered chatting with him behind the house. She murmured her consent and took off toward the road. In an easy stride or two, he caught up with her. They didn’t speak until they reached the road.
“Where’s your buggy?” she asked.
He chuckled, pointing to the shadows of a bike on the ground. “Right there.”
“You rode over here in the dark?”
“Jah. There’s a light on the bike, but it ain’t worth a whole lot.” He laughed again.
They started down the road, walking between the grooves at the side of the asphalt. “Why did you come to see me?” she asked. She blinked at the abruptness of her question, but she was awfully curious what he would say.
“Because I can’t get you out of my mind,” he answered frankly.
She was surprised. Most boys weren’t quite so forthcoming. Uriah was—and that was one of the main reasons she’d fallen for him. But now, here was Ethan, being just as open, just as frank. She’d thought only Uriah had that quality.
“And why is that?” she pushed, knowing she was bordering on flirting now. But it felt so good to be light-hearted again, even if only for a moment or two.
He looked down at her while they walked. “Pushing for a compliment?” he teased.
She raised her chin. “And if I am.”
“If you are, then you’re in luck. Because you’re interesting and mysterious at the same time.”
She stopped walking. “Mysterious?”
He stopped, too. “Jah. Mysterious.”
She shrugged and resumed walking. “All right. Gut answer.”
“You’re not worried about becoming vain? You’re not worried about soaking up a compliment?”
“I am vain sometimes,” she said, wondering if by being so brazen, she was trying to scare him off. That, or trying to weigh his character.
He was laughing. “You’re the first person I’ve known to admit that.”
“I’m not surprised,” she quipped. “But you do know all of us are vain sometimes.”
“I have no doubt,” he responded. “It’s just that none of us would want to admit it.”
“I admit it. Much to the horror of my sister.” She laughed with him. “My parents I’m sure suspect it, but I try to curb my thoughts a bit around them.”
“See what I mean?”
“What?”
“About you being interesting?”
She shrugged. “Maybe.” She swung her arms at her sides, feeling a tremendous sense of freedom. Or was it relief? She wasn’t sure. All she knew was she liked this—this walking with Ethan and chatting and teasing. It certainly was better than standing by the edge of the fields, wondering whether her night with Uriah was going to have massive repercussions.
“You don’t know me,” she blurted.
“Nee. I don’t. But I want to.”
She shook her head, Amy’s words coming back to her again. “You might want to think twice about that.”
He stopped again, and so did she. He turned to her. “That’s all I have been thinking about.”
“Nee, it isn’t,” she said. “You’ve been thinking about your new business and your new home.”
He chuckled. “Fine. You’re right. But I have been thinking about you, too.”
“Like I said, you might not want to.”
“And why not?” His voice was serious now, dead serious.
“There are things you don’t know about me.”
“I’m aware of that, and I want to remedy it. Will you go riding with me tomorrow night?”
Beulah pressed her hand against her chest. This man, this Ethan Miller, wasn’t easy to put off. And despite the turmoil inside her, she was drawn to him. She liked what she knew of him, and she had to admit she liked the fact that he was intrigued with her.
But no. This couldn’t be. Just days ago, she’d thought she was married. Married! She could hardly be driving about with another boy when she’d hardly even registered what had happened to her with Uriah.
But then, Beulah was never one to let grass grow under her feet. No. She wasn’t one for that.
“You’re making me sweat over here,” he said, his voice tender. “If you don’t like me, just say so.”
“Just say so?”
“You don’t strike me as the kind of girl to play games. You don’t strike me as the kind of reserved, timid girl who would try to let me down in a round-about way. I think if you didn’t like me, you’d tell me to my face. So, tell me, Beulah… Do you like me or not? Do you want to get to know me better or not?”
She gaped at him. Never in her life had she met someone who spoke in such a way. And he was right. She didn’t go in for the typical games of courting. She didn’t like the pussy-footing around, trying so hard not to say too little or too much. To be coy and demure. She liked to say things right out.
“I like you well enough, Ethan Miller. But when I say you don’t know me, there’s more to it than that—”
“Like what?” he interrupted. “I want to get to know you. See if there’s something between us. I feel it, and I want to explore it—with buggy rides, and dinners out, and giving you a ride home from Youth Singings—if you go to them.”
She was so tempted. So, so, so tempted.
But what if— What if she were…?
“I can’t, Ethan. You don’t know how sorry I am. But I can’t.”
“So, it’s true then. There is something between you and Uriah.” He was still looking at her, but there was no accusation in his tone. Only disappointment and … what? Determination?
“There was something between Uriah and me…”
“Then, why can’t you…” He stopped. “I’m sorry. I’m not here to force you into anything.” He shook his head. “Let me know when you change your mind.”
“When? Not if?”
He touched her shoulder and then dropped his hand just as quickly. “When,” he emphasized.
She tilted her head and slightly narrowed her eyes. “I think I’m not the only vain one standing here.”
He burst into laughter. “I fear you might be right about that, Beulah Yoder.”
And with that, he turned around, and she knew their walk was over.
Chapter Eighteen
It was odd how a person could dread seeing someone yet yearn to see them at the same time. Every time Beulah went outside, her gaze went to where their driveway met the road. And every time she left on an errand, her gaze scanned the area, looking… Always, looking.
Not for Uriah. But for Ethan.
She couldn’t shake him from her mind. At first, she explained it away as simply a normal reaction to being hurt. She only liked Ethan because he was kind to her. But then, she realized that wasn’t it. Well, maybe at first. But not now. She wanted to see Ethan just to see Ethan. To be around him. To listen to his thoughts, the way he phrased things. He made her laugh. Kept her on her toes, so to speak.
She liked that.
She liked him.
But three weeks later, it all came crashing down around her, and she could think of nothing—nothing except the fact that she was late. She even went so far as to sit at the heavy desk in their living room and count the days on her father’s large planting calendar.
At first, it was three days late. Then four. Then five. Then a full week.
And she knew. Down to her toes, she knew. At night, she’d go into a full-blown panic, wondering what in the world she would do. And there was only one answer. One way out.
She had to see Uriah. She had to tell him. They’d been courting for months and months, and even though they were over, he surely would do the right thing. She was fully aware Uriah often did the o
pposite of what was expected—she’d loved him for that. But in this? In this situation, she felt certain he would stand up and marry her properly.
There was no other option.
Even as she knew this to be true, her heart ached for Ethan. How was it possible to fall so hard for someone when she’d only spent such a little time with him? But it was possible, because it had happened.
“Forget him, forget him, forget him,” she whispered to herself over and over. “You will marry Uriah. And you’ll be fine. Your boppli will have a dat, and you will be fine.”
But the words made her sick to her stomach. She didn’t want to raise this child with Uriah. She wanted to raise him with Ethan. She shook her head in despair. What a mess she’d created. She had created plenty of messes in her life, but never one like this.
She put her hand on her stomach. “Don’t worry, little one. I’ll fix it. Don’t worry. I promise. I’ll fix it.”
She flew through her chores that morning, and then went to her mother.
“Mamm, I’m finished. Can I go to the Feed & Supply to buy some chocolate?”
Fiona looked up from her mending. “Chocolate? Whatever for?”
Beulah shrugged, forcing herself to look nonchalant. “I don’t know. I fancied something sweet.”
“Then how about you make us some cookies?”
“All right. I’ll go get some chocolate chips.”
Fiona smiled. “I think I’m beginning to fancy something sweet, too.”
“Anything else you need?”
“Nee. I went a couple days ago. You taking the pony cart or the bicycle?”
“I’ll take the bicycle.”
“Enjoy your ride then. Put the chips on our account.”
“All right. I’ll see you later.”
Beulah ran to the barn and got the bicycle. She was trembling slightly, which she hated. She dreaded doing what she had to do, but there was no choice. She couldn’t put this off any longer. The way she figured things, she was already more than a month gone.
She pedaled quickly to the Umble farm, and then brazenly rode right up to the porch. But before she got there, she saw Uriah’s mother coming around the house with a basket full of zucchinis.
“Why, Beulah Yoder, how nice to see you,” she called out, approaching her. “Come on in for a spot of tea.”
Beulah swallowed with some difficulty and then shook her head. “I’m wondering if I might talk to Uriah for a moment.”
Uriah’s mother gaped at her as if she’d just hitched up her skirts to expose her knees. Beulah wasn’t surprised at her reaction—going to a boy’s door and asking to see him simply wasn’t done. Beulah could see the woman’s mind whirling, as if wondering what to do. Finally, she gave Beulah a curt nod.
“He’s in the barn with his dat.”
“Thank you,” Beulah murmured, turning her bike toward the barn.
She pedaled a few times and then hopped off and leaned her bike against the side of the barn. She heard talking inside and recognized Uriah’s voice.
“Hello?” she said, peering inside.
Uriah and his father were bending over an old plow against the back wall of the barn. They both straightened and looked over at her.
“Beulah?” Uriah muttered, his face clearly registering his surprise at seeing her.
“Hello,” she said.
His father nodded and then turned to Uriah.
“I’ll be back,” Uriah told him. He moved quickly across the barn, and when he reached Beulah, he took her arm and half-dragged her outside and around behind the building.
“What in the world are you doing here?” he asked. Then he grinned. “You’ve got such nerve coming over here. Missing me, huh?”
He moved close, and she knew he was about to steal a kiss. She put up her hand.
“There’s something I must tell you, Uriah.”
“No need to say anything. I already know…”
“Nee, you don’t.”
“You’re sorry for how rude you were to me, and you want us to be together again.”
She bristled. “That’s not what I’m sorry about,” she snapped and then stopped herself. Being mean wasn’t going to do any good. She took a deep breath and started again. “We need to talk.”
“Talk away,” he said. “And then tonight, we can meet again, just like usual.”
“Nothing’s usual, anymore,” she said, squaring her shoulders. “I want to get married for real. And soon. Within the week, if possible.”
He stared at her. “We already talked about this. I think we should wait. And besides, my dat and I are actually getting along for once. I ain’t about to upset that—not after all these years of fighting.”
Uriah wasn’t fighting with his dad? Beulah could hardly believe it. She was ready to question him further about it, but then, she hardly had the time or the energy for a friendly chat.
“I’m with child,” she blurted.
His expression went immediately sour. “What?”
“You heard me.”
He blinked stupidly at her. “How in the world—”
“You know full well how,” she interrupted him. “We need to get married. Now.”
He stepped back from her. “It was one time, Beulah. I hardly think—”
“Are you insane? You know one time is all it takes. Don’t you breed your cows? You know how it works.”
“That’s different.”
“Hardly,” she said bitterly, barely recognizing the fact she’d just compared herself to a cow.
“You can’t be sure this soon,” he retorted.
“Well, I am.” Beulah was never, never late. Every month, her body functioned like a synchronized calendar.
“You seen Old Mae?”
“Of course not! And I’m not going to—not until we’re married.”
“We aren’t getting married, Beulah.”
“Why not?”
“I’ve gone off the idea, if you must know. And you aren’t with child. Is this some kind of trick?”
She gaped at him. “Trick? Don’t you know me at all? I would never play this kind of stupid trick.”
He squinted at her. “So, you’re sure you’re pregnant?”
“I’m sure.”
“Then, you can do what all Amish girls do in this situation. You can go to some relative’s farm far away and give birth there. Then, give the baby to someone who wants a child.”
Beulah’s knees went weak. “What?”
“Amish girls do it all the time. Everyone pretends they don’t know about it, but they do. Everyone knows.”
“I-I… I’m not about to do that. We’re getting married, and we’ll be a proper family.”
He leaned toward her. “I ain’t proper, Beulah. I never have been, and it never seemed to bother you before.”
“And I’ve never been pregnant before. This is different.”
He shook his head. “I’ll come up with some money for your bus fare, or better yet, I’ll hire a van to take you somewhere. I’ll pay for it.”
“B-but I have nowhere to go,” she snapped. “And I’m not going anywhere. You’re marrying me, Uriah, whether you want to or not!”
Her words hovered in the air like shards between them, and she heard them ringing through her ears again and again. Bile rose in her throat… Did she really want Uriah to marry her when he didn’t want to? Was she going to sacrifice herself like that?
Wasn’t she worth more than that?
But what choice did she have? She wasn’t going to give her own baby away.
He put his hand on her shoulder. “Do it, Beulah. You can have the kid and be back in Hollybrook just like nothing ever happened. Maybe in time, I don’t know, a year or two, maybe we can think about getting married again.”
She heard him speak. She was right there in front of him, and her ears worked just fine. But his words became a roaring noise, rushing through her head making her want to bend double and vomit. She backed away, nearly stu
mbling. And then she turned and ran toward the road. When she was nearly there, she remembered she’d ridden her bicycle. Half-blinded by tears, she whirled and raced back. She yanked up the bicycle and climbed on. Shaking badly, wobbling dangerously, she made her way to the road.
Once on the asphalt, she pedaled madly toward Amy’s house. She couldn’t go home. Not like this. But could she go to Amy’s? What if Ethan was there visiting? He’d know something was horribly wrong, and what could she say?
How, how, how could she have been so stupid? How?
When she was passing Edmund’s Pond, she veered off the road, riding along the bumpy path until she reached the far bank of the pond. She got off her bike and sank to the grass. It brushed up against her arms, and she stared blankly ahead.
What was she going to do?
She could hardly stay in Hollybrook and have the child unmarried. Not unless she hid herself away for nine months. Hid herself away? She shuddered as the tears ran down her cheeks.
Hide? Is that what she’d have to do? Hide?
She looked down at her stomach through her tears. She had a precious new life growing inside her. Why should she have to hide?
Because you’ve sinned, she told herself. Because you just had to do things your way. She laid down on her side, drawing her knees up to her chest. She needed to pray. Needed to think. This was not about her. Not anymore. It was about this new life within her. And she was going to do everything she could to ensure that it would be okay.
Was Uriah right? Should she leave and have her child and give it away? Hadn’t she proven she wasn’t ready to be a mother? A mother? Ach, but how was it possible? She closed her eyes and breathed in the smell of the grass and the trees and the sky.
“But I want you,” she whispered to her growing baby. “You’re a part of me, and I want you. Gott, please help me.”
Her breathing slowed, and she stopped shaking. She pressed her arms across her chest and let the quiet of nature lull her, surround her, hug her. It would be all right. It would be all right. Somehow, it would be all right.
And she fell asleep.
Chapter Nineteen
The Buggy Shop (Hollybrook Amish Romance) Page 10