by Caias Ward
GraphicAndrew: yes I do. I miss you too
HaveYouSeenMyPants: you got more work?
GraphicAndrew: yeah, I’m working in a print shop. Mum insisted I get a ‘real’ job instead of sitting at my computer all day
HaveYouSeenMyPants: :P
HaveYouSeenMyPants: jerks. You make 25 quid an hour doing design work, and they want you to work behind a counter and get paid whatever the minimum wage is in your strange not-American money?
HaveYouSeenMyPants: :)
GraphicAndrew: my dad wanted me to work in a deli. I told him to go to hell
HaveYouSeenMyPants: I hated working in a deli
HaveYouSeenMyPants: btw, you gonna see that hot girl you went out with before I showed up? :) Did you find out if she’s still sweating for you?
GraphicAndrew: :P
GraphicAndrew: you mean Caroline? That’s not going to work out
HaveYouSeenMyPants: why not?
HaveYouSeenMyPants: if you don’t want her, I’ll take her ;)
GraphicAndrew: her crowd and my crowd just won’t work. She’s posh and I’m just weird
HaveYouSeenMyPants: :(
HaveYouSeenMyPants: that’s a shame. You told me the sex was electric
GraphicAndrew: yeah… she’s fit and all. And not dumb, just doesn’t show off that she’s smart
HaveYouSeenMyPants: she can’t be that smart if she’s not jumping you at every moment. I mean, I’d do you… again :)
GraphicAndrew: hehehehe
GraphicAndrew: I have to get to work. You want to call me later?
HaveYouSeenMyPants: not tonight, I’m going to be out. Tomorrow?
GraphicAndrew: I’ll call around midnight tomorrow
HaveYouSeenMyPants: that will be six my time
GraphicAndrew: yes, it will. I will be enjoying the future while you are stuck in the past
GraphicAndrew: hahahahahahahaha
GraphicAndrew:
HaveYouSeenMyPants: hehehe!
GraphicAndrew: love you
HaveYouSeenMyPants: love you too!
‘So, how does that make you feel?’
New office, new psychiatrist, all in the two weeks since Dr Thompson told me to ditch my best friend.
‘Well, since I stopped taking the lithium,’ I said, ‘I actually feel something. Much better now. I can actually think about sex now. Sara’s been bugging me about getting ‘back in the saddle’, as she puts it, since phone sex and web cams only go so far and she wants me to be happy.’
This office, at least, was warm, and inviting, and I actually felt OK coming here. The doc wasn’t ancient, either. Younger than my dad, well dressed and well spoken. He wasn’t a jerk about things, at least so far. I’d dumped Thompson and his always-dirty glasses after fighting with the olds for an hour, and they’d found someone else on the list of Doctors Who Help The Crazy People.
‘It’s really not a good idea to stop taking your medication, Andrew.’ The doctor – Simonsen – leaned forward in his seat, concerned. ‘There can be adverse reactions.’
‘What?’ I said. ‘Like getting excited when I fancy a girl? I like the idea of everything working, believe it or not.’
‘We can make adjustments to the medication…’
‘The only adjustment I want is for everything to work when I need it to work.’
Simonsen laughed, nodding at me.
‘We’ll work on it. I still want you on the lithium, but we’ll lower the dosage. How have you been getting along with your parents?’
‘I haven’t. I keep getting screamed at to get a job,’ I said. ‘I have a job. I make twenty-five quid an hour just designing, not including the T-shirts I sell. But I found a sign shop that doesn’t flip out on me for wearing what I do under the uniform shirt. At least the shirt goes with my pants.’ I tugged at my ‘Sign Time’ black button-down shirt, matching the black of the shirt to my baggy wide-legged black jeans.
‘So tell me more about your brother.’
Wow, what a way to shift the conversation.
‘He was a tosser.’
Dr Simonsen pulled his head back and took down some notes with his chrome pen. A lot of notes, scribbling away.
‘What are you writing?’ I asked.
‘Just notes for me to refer back to,’ he said, looking up at me after he spoke. ‘Why do you think he was a tosser?’
‘Just was,’ I said. ‘I mean, it’s like every time there was a choice between him and me, it was always him. Everything I did, Mum and Dad just expected it to happen. Top grades in school, starter on the football team, even my first paying design – it was like, “we expected that”. My brother though? Everything was a miracle and they let him know it.’
‘He was really sick, right?’
‘If you call five brain operations and getting your head scrunched with forceps “sick” then yeah,’ I said. ‘Sucked for him, and it’s a shame it happened. But my olds forgot that they had another son. Getting forgotten sucks a lot too. And I didn’t make all that crap happen to my brother.’
My hands hurt; I kept on digging my nails into my palms. I hated talking about this stuff. I didn’t want to be here, but Dad said he’d yank my computer if I didn’t show up and try to ‘get better’. So, I’m here. Maybe I can get something out of it.
‘I don’t think your parents forgot you,’ Simonsen said. ‘This is a lot for them to handle, from the operations to the funeral. Even when he was growing up, think of all the problems Will had with socialising. You didn’t need as much from them, so it might seem that your parents didn’t care as much.’
‘So I’m just the self-sufficient kid? I didn’t actually need them to treat me like their son?’
‘I’m not saying that,’ Simonsen said.
‘But it’s what you mean. Just because I didn’t “need”, like you claim, doesn’t mean I didn’t want or deserve. Add in all the times I did stuff and my brother got mad at me because I could do it and he still had trouble, even though he was ten years older than me. Was it my fault that I could fix things when I saw how they worked, once, or type seventy words a minute to his ten?’
‘It is possible there were some jealousy issues,’ Simonsen said. ‘But you had so many advantages over your brother.’
So much for this working out.
‘So what is the best advantage?’ I asked him.
‘What?’
‘Yeah, my best advantage,’ I asked. ‘What was it?’
‘The best advantage?’
‘Yes, what’s the best advantage I had? Is it my brother trashing my toys when he’d get angry? Or my olds deciding to spend our holiday money on my brother’s weight loss surgery when he ate his way through his second year in his posh private university in America and put on six stone? How about them making me feel like hell because I want to go away to uni, like he did?’
I stood up and tucked my wallet chain away.
‘The session isn’t over yet, Andrew,’ Simonsen said
‘How about the fact that I can never match up to a dead twenty-six-year-old who beat the crap deal he’d been given, and didn’t end up pumping petrol or sweeping floors for a living? How’s that for an advantage?’
I was out of the door before he could say anything. I wasn’t going to listen anyway. He really wasn’t listening to me, either.
Two weeks after Simonsen and his insistence on my ‘advantages’, the school sent a letter to the house…
Dear Mr & Mrs Cooper,
I am writing to you with regard to your son, Andrew. Recently, his behaviour in school has shown changes for the worse. He is constantly disrupting classes and arguing with both other students and his teachers. His grades have declined, even in his best classes, and there is a decided lack of effort in subjects where Andrew has previously shown great enthusiasm.
We would like to arrange a meeting with you both, so that we may discuss this matter and develop a solution together. We would also like to arrange an additional meet
ing, with Andrew present, where we can all agree on the course of action that we all feel will contribute to Andrew’s advancement and success.
We understand the challenge that your family has faced regarding your son William and will support you in any way possible regarding Andrew’s wellbeing and continued educational success. It is our hope that together we may effect a return to Andrew’s earlier enthusiasm for his education, and a subsequent improvement in his grades to their previous levels.
Yours sincerely
Dr Alice Hull
Dean of Students
I didn’t pay much attention in the meeting, at least to what my olds said. Dr Hull, however, isn’t the easiest person to fool. Besides, she actually wanted me to do better, and focused on me and how I felt. I played along with my olds, nodding when I needed to, agreeing when I needed to, even throwing out a few ideas on how I could be a better student.
Of course, I want to be a better student. I figure four A Levels will get me into any university I fancy, including overseas ones. I’ve been looking at Columbia and Pratt in New York City, and a few others on the east coast of America. I can pull my grades up before the end of the term, enough that they’ll look good when I apply to schools. I may take a gap year, I may not. I have money put away in a savings account my Nana set up for me when I was born; I’ve just kept on putting money into it and my parents don’t even know it’s there. I do my banking online, so there’s never a statement sent to the house. Screw the olds. Why should I tell them anything?
Of course, I picked the last days of the term to let something set me off. It’s actually good timing on my part. With exams for the term wrapping up and me salvaging my grades for the final run for A Levels next year, getting into trouble wouldn’t hurt too much. It felt good, too, to take it out on someone who had been bothering me for a while.
Hayden Smith was one of those guys who gathered a mob of people around him. Tall, blond, popular, athletic, he was perfectly mainstream, surrounded by posh girls and the guy friends who handled his overflow. He had a problem with, well, anyone who bothered him. And what bothered him depended on the day, the weather and lots of other stuff I didn’t even know or understand.
Hayden and I had actually been mates, believe it or not. Same crew, same parties, same friends. Except when the bills started rolling in for my brother after his last op, and I only really had time for Sara and working rather than loading up on booze with Hayden and the rest. Hayden took it as a personal insult and he hasn’t let up since. I guess you could say my existence bothered him.
‘Andy!’ he yelled to me when I was about to make it down the hall past him.
I just ignored it. Normally, it would feel like someone was squeezing my heart in my chest. Guess the Xanax is working. I simply walked on by, back into the crowd to be off on my way.
‘Cooper!’
He ran in front of me with a slide. His friends followed, hovering at the sides in the hallway. People floated by, avoiding eye contact with me, just wanting to get past the scene that was about to happen.
‘What do you want, Hayden?’ I asked.
‘Just wanted to know if everything’s working out. You never keep in touch any more.’ He faked a smile. I caught a fit blonde in the back of the crowd who didn’t look like she wanted to be there: Caroline. We’d only gone out for a few weeks, and she was fun as fun could be, but we both thought it wasn’t a good idea to keep together, since Hayden would make her life hell for doing anything with me. This was just before Sara showed up and spun my life around. Caroline looked concerned, and I wondered if she was going to speak up, if she still fancied me.
‘Been busy,’ I said as I tried to step past. Hayden stepped back in front of me, his crew adjusting to block my way.
‘Too busy for your mates?’ he said. ‘Or got too many important things to do?’
Here he goes again. This is getting old.
‘Well, yes. Too many important things to do,’ I said with a smile. ‘So, I don’t want to waste time doing unimportant things, like being seen in the same town with you and your minging girlfriend.’
Hayden seethed; he liked being the centre of things, the important part of everything.
A few people passing by stopped, catching what I’d said and laughing at Hayden. Caroline smiled; I smiled back.
Hayden wasn’t smiling, not when people laughed at him. He stepped up, but then stopped.
‘I’d give you a good slapping, but you might have a brain problem like your brother…’
‘Hayden,’ Caroline pleaded, ‘Just leave it alone…’
‘Was it hard to pull the plug, Andy? Or did your parents rush to it because they didn’t want a cripple or a stump at home? Where do you take a vegetable on holiday, by the way?’
I just kept on punching, and punching, and punching. I knew what I was doing, but I don’t know why I was doing it. I didn’t love my brother. He was a jerk. But then Hayden was a jerk too, and he had no idea of the kind of raw deal life had dealt my brother. Maybe there was a small part of me that wanted my brother and me to be family, real family, and it just rose to the surface.
Hayden had wanted to get a rise out of me so that he could show off to his mob; he’d got one, and a black eye and bruised cheek for it. My back was killing me from getting thrown into the wall. My arms hurt from when Hayden’s friends broke us up and dragged Hayden away, getting him out of sight before any teachers arrived on the scene.
And Caroline had pulled me away from the fight, putting herself between me and Hayden, pulling at his arm when he took a swing at me. I’d forgotten how wonderful she smelled and how soft she felt.
Then she broke away from me, half-dragged by some of Hayden’s boys, who scattered before a teacher showed up. She left her hand on mine for a moment longer than she should have. Her glance lingered, longer than perhaps it needed to. Even as I scrambled down the hall, I could hear Hayden yelling at Caroline for helping me.
But I could tell that she still fancied me. I was sure of it.
‘So, how does that make you feel?’
Do these doctors say the same damn thing all the time? This one was different, though. He didn’t bitch at me about my relationship with Sara, open and strange and odd as it was.
‘Good,’ I said. School’s done for the term, so I have a little break, even with work. I did well in classes, didn’t get caught in that fight, and the job is going alright.’
‘And physically?’
‘Better, Rich. My back still hurts from Hayden shoving me into the wall. Only been a week since the fight, but I figure another day and I’ll be OK.’
Dr Richard Wright smiled, pushing up his wire-rimmed glasses. He was younger than the others, mid-thirties. He didn’t give me disapproving looks. Mostly his reaction to what I told him seemed like genuine concern, and trying to find out why something had happened, and what we could do to make it better.
Maybe the other doctors were concerned as well, but I couldn’t see it in them. Perhaps you just need to find the right fit between patient and doctor.
‘You think it was a good reaction to Hayden?’
‘Not really,’ I said, ‘thinking back on it. But it’s the past.’
‘Yes, it is,’ Dr Wright said. ‘Can’t change it…’
‘But we can learn from it,’ I finished his sentence.
Dr Wright smiled. ‘So what did you learn?’
‘Hayden doesn’t like it when he doesn’t seem important.’
‘Anything else?’ Dr Wright continued.
‘I wish I could have had a normal relationship with my brother. Not necessarily love, just…’ I struggled with how to word this, ‘a better deal on both sides. Him not hating me, me not hating him, my parents just treating us both the same.’
‘That’s good. And it’s something we can work on. So tell me more about the girl who rescued you.’
‘Caroline? She’s fit, and easy to talk to. Forgot how great she smells,’ I said. I shifted in my seat, exc
ited just thinking about her. ‘I think she still fancies me.’
‘That sounds positive,’ Dr Wright said. ‘Are you going to try to go out with her again?’
‘Hell no,’ I said. ‘Hayden’s still pissed off at me, and his crew just follows. Caroline fancies me, I think, but I don’t think she fancies me enough to deal with everyone hassling her.’
‘Only way you will know is if you ask.’
‘Yeah,’ I agreed. ‘It’s just that I’m not like everyone else; especially that group. I don’t really fit that well with them.’
‘I don’t think you are so different, Andrew. You maybe need to fine tune your reactions to what people say, though. You’ve had a rough couple of months, on top of all the years of having had a much higher bar set for you than for your brother. It’s going to take some time, but these adjustments are things we can work on together.’
‘Yeah. I guess.’
‘So you have the summer, and then your final year?’
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Want to get at least four A Levels.’
‘I’m sure you are up to it. You seem bright enough. Anything still bothering you though, anything that’s standing out?’
I nodded. Lots of stuff was still bothering me, but I didn’t quite know where to start. Best to start small.
‘My olds are making me clean out my brother’s place in London,’ I told him. ‘I have to sort out all the stuff, list it on eBay, handle the money and hope I get paid back for the postage and fees.’
‘That’s a lot of work,’ the doctor nodded. ‘Doesn’t leave you much time for your summer, especially if they have you working.’
‘I know, but what can I do?’ I shrugged.
‘Have you talked to them about it? Have you let them know that you need a life of your own as well?’
‘Every time I try to bring up something like that, I get told that “we all have to pull together”, that “we need to be strong, we have to make some sacrifices”. I guess, like you said, they keep setting the bar high for me… something needs to be done in the house, I always have to do it. Even when my brother was able to do it, it was always me they called on. My brother was the lighting tech with all the electrical experience, for example, but they’d expect me to put a new power point in the wall. Made no sense at all…’