by Shales, Mia
The instinctive closeness she felt turned into a feeling of remoteness and reserve. The beating of her heart threatened to deafen her and overpower the sound of the waves battering the coast. She opened her mouth and closed it. There was nothing she could, or wanted, to say. What had once been between them could never return. The pain, the insult and the heartache were now a distant memory. She would not let him penetrate the armor she had so successfully built up over the years.
"Hello Nicole," she heard his quiet voice borne by the slight breeze of the night. He held out his hand and his fingers were dry and strong as they touched her cheek. Daniel came closer and brushed away a lock of straying hair.
Nicole looked at him with frightened eyes. She moved out of his reach. "Don't you dare touch me, Daniel," she whispered.
The beginnings of a smile touched his mouth. "So you do remember my name. For a minute I was afraid you had completely erased me from your mind."
From the tone of his voice it was clear to Nicole that not for a minute had he believed any such thing.
He's having fun, Nicole thought, he enjoys torturing me. But she would not let him get under her skin. She would prove to him that she was no longer the young, naive girl he remembered.
"You have a nerve," she heard herself saying, aware of the note of hysteria in her voice, "coming back here and frightening me so. You are not at all welcome here." She lifted her chin and stood taller, trying to appear cool and authoritative. "Please leave," she said in a tone she hoped sounded gracious and commanding at the same time.
He hooked his thumbs in his pockets.
"As I recall, I was a very welcome guest here. And if I try real hard, I can remember nights you begged me not to leave you at all."
Nicole felt fatigue overcoming her. "Then, Daniel, everything was different. I believed in you, trusted our love, thought all the dreams we dreamed together would come true. But you chose to leave, to go without saying good-bye." She remembered the short note he had left: I love you for eternity. Wait for me! No more. She felt her self-confidence returning. "If you've come back to ask for forgiveness I won't make things hard for you. I forgive you. I believe in fate. We were obviously not destined for each other."
"Forgive me?!" he repeated unbelievingly. He looked at her astounded, and then threw his head back and laughed. His voice held no mirth and only with difficulty could Nicole detect an echo of the gay laughter of eight years ago.
"I left to protect you. I loved you!"
Nicole noticed he spoke in the past tense.
"I told you I would return. I intended to return. But you couldn't wait and it didn't take more than a few months for you to marry some rich playboy."
"How do you know all this?" she whispered.
"You father told me."
"My father?"
"Yes, your father. The same one who beat you when he heard you were going out with me, the same one who wanted to cheat you and your mother out of your inheritance, the very same one you swore you would protect your mother against." He was suddenly silent, running his hand through his thick hair.
The panic, the despair closed in on her. He knew! How could he know? She had never told him and he had never given any sign he knew.
"I had to leave, Nicole. I had to have the power and strength to defend you, to take you far away from here."
"You abandoned me," Nicole accused. "You disappeared and left behind nothing but a piece of paper." She could feel the rage and the shame. She could not stop. "I was pregnant with your child," she shouted. "I flew all the way to New York to find you. And when I found you," she hesitated a moment and continued bitterly, "it was in the arms of a woman, another woman." She stressed every word, slowly and clearly. She wanted him to suffer. To feel the pain as she had felt it that terrible moment. "You were making love to another woman!"
He paled and Nicole felt his effort at self-control. The minute stretched out forever. Neither of them moved.
"Where is the child?" he finally asked and Nicole could hear the tension in his voice.
"He died. He died before he was born. The baby died and Eric died and I was left alone." She bent her head and her hair tumbled forward, hiding her face. "I wanted that baby. God knows how much I wanted him!" She buried her face in her hands. Her face was wet. She did not notice the tears.
She did not cry when they told her Eric had died in the car crash. She did not cry when they told her the baby had died as a result of the accident. She did not cry during all the years that followed when she picked up the pieces of her life.
Now she cried.
With one stride Daniel closed the distance between them. He took her in his arms, held her close to his chest. There were so many hidden things to uncover but now he only wanted to comfort her, to offer the warmth and confidence of his body. They stood, holding on to each other, sharing for a moment the grief of bereaved parents.
His hand lightly brushed her hair, neck and back, in rhythmic, comforting movements. When the trembling stopped and the tears dried on his shoulder where her head lay buried, he moved slightly while holding her fast in both arms.
"I'm sorry," he said in a low voice. "I would have wanted to be with you when you lost the child, to comfort you and ease the anguish."
Nicole tried to smile through the tears. She knew he was sincere. He meant what he said.
He released his arm to twist a strand of hair around his fingers. Her faint smile vanished. His hand came up to her cheek. His fingers moved to her mouth, slightly separating her lips. She stood motionless as he caressed her neck, feeling the agitated heartbeat coursing through her veins.
"You must be exhausted," he murmured.
"Yes, I must be exhausted," she echoed, unconsciously drawing closer.
Daniel knew he must pull back before it was too late. He longed for her. She stood so close, so lovely, and he felt a painful need to cover her body with his, to shield her from all the evil and pain of this world.
He leaned forward slowly, giving Nicole a chance to draw back. She gasped softly as his mouth tenderly met hers. His breath was warm and clean and his kiss erotic and sensitive.
With the last shred of reason, Daniel knew he was lost. He closed his eyes and drowned himself in his senses. His lips became more demanding and his kiss deeper, his arm drawing her closer. Nicole stiffened suddenly at the burning touch of their two bodies. She clung to his taut, muscular body, and her breasts rubbed gently against his chest. She allowed his tongue to penetrate her lips and play with her tongue. Her loins were moist and warm as forgotten passions engulfed her.
He drew his head down. His lips grazed her throat as they slid toward her breasts. She sighed. He slid to his knees, his lips never leaving her smooth skin. She lifted her face to the moon like an ancient goddess worshipping the glories of nature. In one swift movement he lay her down on the sand. She submitted. She crossed her arms behind his head and drew him to her.
"My sweet darling." His mouth covered hers and his hands fondled the sensitive parts of her body.
Such experienced hands. The thought darted through her mind as she fought to free herself from his embrace. She saw clearly the face of the woman Daniel embraced in New York. She remembered the expression of transcendent gratification. She saw vividly the muscles of Daniel's back, his lips on the woman's neck. Nicole stood motionless in the doorway and it took a few seconds for the woman to notice the stunned girl from over the man's shoulder. Her red, swollen lips smiled at her before she closed her eyes again.
Cheater! Liar!
Daniel lifted his head but would not release her. He pinned her to the sand and his eyes looked straight into hers. "You're running away again." He rolled over on his side and leaned on his elbow while looking down at her. "I still desire you," he said and Nicole again noticed that he said 'desire' and not 'love'. "I thought I'd find you married with three children. I wasn't even sure you still lived here."
"So why were you here at this hour?"
"I coul
dn't fall asleep and thought of you. I felt I had to come to this place that was so much a part of you. This beach, the bungalow, they soothed me." He trailed his hand through the sand, scooping up a fistful and releasing it slowly through his fingers.
"I lay awake nights on end, tossing until the early hours, watching the sun rise and seeing you standing beside me in the moonlit room, your golden skin gleaming faintly in the dark while I caressed you, all of you, my mouth drinking in every inch of your bare body. When I saw you walking along the sea I thought it was a mirage. You were exactly as etched in my memory." He spoke slowly and in a low tone, as if in a dream.
Nicole trembled. His words, the rhythm of his speech, the distant look in his eyes, aroused her traitorous body to renewed passion.
"It just won't work," she finally said, looking at the sand streaming between his fingers. "I admit I'm still attracted to you. I can't control that. But it's not enough. The past, and our memories, separates us. It will hurt too much. It took me a long time to forget you. For a while I even hated you. After you left I cried for two months, refusing to be comforted. At the end of two months I understood that I was pregnant. I wanted to tell you about the baby. I wasn't sure if you would be happy or not, but you had a right to know. I thought that if you really loved me you would want us to share a life despite the difficulties. I convinced myself that if you would see me again you would realize that we belonged together, that we must not lose heart and renounce the happiness we had together." She forced herself to look straight in his eyes. "I thought I was special for you. I would not believe you stopped loving me."
He listened attentively. A long moment he stared fixedly into her eyes with an expression she could not fathom, then lowered his gaze, bowing his head.
Mercilessly, she continued. "I decided to fly out to New York and find you. To tell you the news face-to-face. I got your parent's number. I must have spoken to your sister and when I explained that I worked with you in the Australian production she gave me your address in New York. After a day's flight I grabbed a cab at the airport and drove straight to your place. One of your neighbors came out of the house and I was glad I didn't have to ring you from the intercom. I wanted to surprise you. It was ten at night and I knocked several times. When no one answered I turned the doorknob and the door slid open. I entered and heard music, soft, romantic music. And then I saw you, half-naked, embracing. You didn't see me but she saw. She said nothing, just smiled. I left and vomited on the street. I was miserable. Something within shattered into a million pieces and my heart bled. I thought my world had come to an end. But then I remembered the baby and the thought gave me courage. After a sleepless night I flew home, tired and sorrowing, but determined and strong."
She stood up, and looked down at him with a strange feeling of satisfaction.
"I've told you all this so you'll understand why there isn't a chance in the world that I'll be yours again, not even for a single night." She felt drained, but kept on standing.
Daniel got to his feet, ignoring the sand scattering from his clothes to the floor.
"Is that the reason you were so quick to marry someone you didn't love?"
"Eric was good to me. The rest does not concern you." Her voice receded. She swayed as a second wave of weakness washed over her. "You'll have to excuse me, I don't feel very well." The blood drained from her face and she grew faint, glimpsing his worried face before sinking into the darkness. "Something is wrong with me…" she managed to say.
Daniel caught Nicole before she slid to the floor. He lifted her in his arms and easily carried her up to the bungalow's porch. He took a key out of his pocket and opened the lock, kicked the door with his foot and entered. Nicole stirred, struggling to emerge from her faint. He lay her gently on the sofa, crossed the room and filled a glass with water. Nicole tried to open her eyes, her lashes fluttering like butterflies on her cheeks. From the haze surrounding her she tried to understand what had happened. Why was she lying on the sofa? How had he opened the door? The thoughts danced in her head as she felt his hand supporting her back, helping her sit up.
"Drink this," he ordered.
She did as he said. "Did I faint?"
"Yes."
"I don't know what got into me tonight."
"No wonder you're shattered," he said dryly, "I bet you haven't told a soul about all you've been through. Nobody, not even the strongest person, can suppress such great pain without it bursting out in one way or another."
Daniel went over to one of the chests and opened the lower drawer. He took out sheets and a summer blanket.
"What are you doing with those?" Nicole asked sharply.
"Putting you to bed." His voice was stern, with no hint of laughter and Nicole wondered what his intentions were.
"Don't worry." He read her like an open book. "I won't seduce you. At least not tonight. You need to rest and even though I intend to get some straight answers to some very troubling questions, I can wait." He spread the sheets and Nicole, reluctantly, allowed him to finish the task at hand. She felt helpless and frustrated. He had taken over too easily, too efficiently and she didn't like it at all. She had no intention of letting Daniel Miller back into her life again!
"Go to sleep," he said, his voice surprisingly gentle, "I'll wait here until you do."
She knew there was no point arguing with him. She knew him too well. "Can I have a bit of privacy while I undress and wash up?" she asked sarcastically.
"Certainly," he answered politely, "I'll wait outside." She heard his steps recede as he left the room and strode into the darkness.
Nicole undressed and rummaged through the drawers of the chest. She was exhausted and weak. She would not have Daniel think she wanted to look sexy and inviting for him. She wore old pajamas and slid under the sheets, drawing them up to her chin, and waited for him to come in. Suddenly she felt like a five-year-old waiting for her bedtime kiss. The thought made her remember the sensual feel of his lips on hers just a short while ago and a heat wave flashed through her body.
When Daniel knocked softly and walked in a few minutes later she was already asleep. He looked at her for a long moment, his features softening. He turned and surveyed the room, trying to discern any changes. He felt at home. The past flooded back. The disarray in the room seemed to him orderly, just as it had so long ago. He entered the studio. Canvases, brushes, paints and fabrics with splotches of color were everywhere. His eyes were drawn to an easel in the corner of the room. After a slight hesitation he removed the cloth covering it. He stared in disbelief. The man in the picture was himself.
Almighty God! was all he could think at that moment. Suddenly he felt calm and powerful, as the passion, the energy and the vitality that flowed from the picture filled him with renewed strength.
In the early hours of the morning Nicole awoke with a pleasant sensation of serenity. The sun began its crimson journey to the center of the sky and the seagulls screamed at the shore. She awoke slowly, her sleepy brain struggling to shed its blanket of forgetfulness. She turned over on her back and then abruptly sat up. The room, flooded with light, was empty. She threw off the blanket and went to the studio. Her eye caught sight of the uncovered easel and the cloth thrown carelessly over the chair. She sighed in despair, the scenes of the evening before slowly coming back to her. She dragged herself to the tiny bathroom, contorting her face in the mirror, sticking out her tongue.
"You are really dumb, Nicole West," she said out loud. How could she have responded so readily? Been so open with him? She was mortified to remember how she had fainted in his arms like a rag doll. Go to hell, Daniel Miller. She drew her hand into a tight fist and struck the marble top in frustration. There's no place for you in my life.
She showered and changed into jeans and a t-shirt. She poured herself a glass of orange juice and sat at the counter separating the kitchen and living area. Leaning her elbows on the top, she cupped her face between her hands as her eyes fell on the rumpled sofa. Everything would
have turned out so differently if Daniel hadn't left her eight years ago.
* * *
He was twenty seven, a graduate of New York University's School of Film and Television, already gaining recognition among students and faculty for student movies he had directed. The son of an Italian mother and an Irish father who came to America as teenagers and now earned a modest income, he paid his tuition by working in a moving company, and after being accepted to university, by winning scholarships. At the close of the school year he received an offer from a well-known studio specializing in documentaries. Shooting would take place along various points of the Great Barrier Reef in Australia. The film was to describe the lives of the local inhabitants and especially the underwater life along the glorious reef that drew tourists and divers from all over the world. He jumped at the offer although his ambition was to direct full-length features. He knew this was a golden opportunity to see the world and expand his horizons.
* * *
Despite her anger and frustration Nicole couldn't help smiling as she recalled their first meeting.
* * *
Twenty-one year old Nicole visited the marina almost every day. Familiar with most of the yachts which belonged to the locals and whose homeport this was, she was a frequent guest on short diving and fishing trips. Nicole was on her way to the Cavendish family yacht when she first caught sight of Daniel. Passing the docks, dressed in a bikini, a bag with diving attire slung over her shoulder, she couldn't help noticing the new boat that must have arrived in the early morning hours. The name emblazoned on its hull was Crazy Max and Nicole burst out laughing as she saw the square sails. On each sail was a cartoon of an amusing panther painted in clear, bold colors. Her smile faded only when she noticed the man on deck, leaning nonchalantly on the railing and looking at her.