“That is hardly the point, Mr. Hathoway.”
“What is the point?”
“Everyone else made the effort.”
“Fine. I’ll ask Molly to whip me up a batch of brown snowmen, with ribbons around their necks, holding Christmas parcels. Individually decorated.”
“Your listening skills are very good, Mr. Hathoway.”
“Thank you.” Ridiculous to feel pleased that she had noticed how closely he listened to her every word. However, he guessed.
“However,” Morgan continued, “I don’t really think it’s fair to ask Molly to contribute to our class project.”
“I don’t know how to make cookies.”
“Well, yes, I understand that. It is a situation that can be remedied. I mean, a few short weeks ago, I didn’t know how to hang a coat hanger.”
“You’re not exactly ready to start building furniture.”
“No, I suppose not.”
Said a bit doubtfully, as if she might actually be considering trying to build some furniture. He reminded himself he’d have to follow up on getting her a new hammer before she wrecked something else trying to use the one she had.
“The point is,” Morgan said, “I was willing to learn. If you and Ace would like to come over this afternoon after school, I would be happy to teach you how to make Christmas cookies.”
His schedule had become insane because of the volunteer hours he was putting in on the set of The Christmas Angel. He still had special orders he had to get out for Christmas, as well as the gate commission.
Plus, he was avoiding Morgan. And her lips. And the clear invitation he had seen in her eyes the other night after the disastrous sleigh ride. Boy, if a sleigh ride like that couldn’t scare a girl off, what would?
And there was the other disastrous thing, too. Telling her about Cindy and David had poked a little hole in the dam of feelings walled up within him…He was all too aware that he might be like the little boy hoping his finger poked in that hole was going to be enough to hold it back.
The thing was, her voice on the other end of the phone was like a lifeline thrown to a man who had been in the water so long he didn’t even know he was drowning.
The thing was, he knew it had cost her to make the move, and he could not bear to hurt her. It seemed she had experienced quite enough hurt in her life. Not at the hands of fate, either, but at the hands of the very people who should have loved and protected her.
Though there was probably a far more sensible way of looking at that. Hurt her a little now. Or a lot later.
He didn’t feel like being sensible. Or maybe, closer to the truth, he was not as sure as he had been a few weeks ago about what sensible was.
“Sure,” he said, as if he grabbed lifelines every single day. “What time would you like us to come make cookies?”
Chapter Seven
AS IT TURNED OUT, after school, Ace had been offered a Christmas shopping outing to Greenville with the Westons. She still had to buy something for her daddy, she informed Nate, and it would be much too hard to keep it a secret if he came with her.
She was so excited about going shopping with her new friend Brenda that he didn’t have the heart to tell her she would be missing making cookies with her teacher. Having to make such a momentous choice would have torn her in two.
Nate knew he could phone and cancel, and maybe even should phone and cancel, but as he moved up the walkway to Morgan’s house, he contemplated the fact that he hadn’t.
And knew he was saying yes to the Light.
Even though he knew better. Even though he knew, better than most, life could be hard, and cruel, and made no promises.
When Morgan opened her door, that’s what he saw in her face. Light. And he moved toward it like a man who had been away for a long time, a soldier away at the wars, who had spotted the light pouring out the window of home.
An hour later her kitchen was covered in flour and red food coloring. He was pretty sure there were more sprinkles on the floor than on the cookies.
And, despite the fact she was the world’s best teacher, calm, patient, clear about each step and the order to do them in, those cookies were extra ugly. Sugar cookies, they were supposed to look like Christmas tree decorations. They didn’t.
He held one of the finished cookies up for her. “What does this look like?”
She studied it. “An icicle?”
“Morgan, it looks like something obscene.” He bit into it, loving her blush. “But it tastes not bad.”
She put her hands on her hips, still very much Miss McGuire, pretending that kiss of a few nights ago wasn’t hanging in the air between them like mistletoe, pretending her face wasn’t on fire. “Has anyone ever told you you’re incorrigible?”
“Of course,” he said, picked up a misshapen Santa and bit his head off. “That’s part of being a Hathoway.”
“Really?” She surveyed the cookies, apparently realized they were not going anywhere near Wesley’s welcome party, picked one up and bit into it. “Tell me about growing up a Hathoway.”
And oddly enough, he did. In Morgan’s kitchen, surrounded by the scent of cookies baking and a feeling of home, Nate told her about how it was to grow up poor in a small town.
“But,” he said, making sure she knew he was not inviting pity, “we might have been poor, but our family was everything. We were fiercely loyal to each other. My dad couldn’t give my mom much materially, but I don’t think a man has ever loved a woman the way he loves her. He would fight off tigers for her. For any of us. There was an intense feeling of family.
“And we might have been poor, but we were never bored.” He told her about working in the forge since he was just a little boy, starting on small chores, working up to bending the iron.
He told her about making their own fun, since they could never afford anything. In the summer fun was a secondhand bicycle and the swimming hole, or a hose and a pile of dirt.
“You haven’t really lived until you’ve squished mud through your toes,” he told her. “And in winter fun was a skate on a frozen pond in skates way too big because they were purchased to last a few seasons. It was tobogganing on a homemade sled, and snowball fights. It was an old deck of worn-out cards in the kitchen.”
“Like at Molly and Keith’s the other night?” she said, and he heard the wistfulness.
“Yeah, growing up was like that…” Each of his memories held Cindy and David. It was the first time in a long time he felt the richness of that friendship, instead of the loss. It was the first time he understood how much it had become a part of who he was today.
“Tell me about how you grew up,” he invited Morgan.
And then Morgan told him about her family, and how fragmented it was, how some of her earliest memories were of tension, of feeling as if she was responsible for holding something together that could not be held.
“It was like trying to stop an avalanche that had already broken free,” Morgan said. “My mom and dad eventually split when I was eleven. And it was a blessing, but it made me long for things I couldn’t have.”
“Such as?”
She smiled sadly. “I used to watch other families on the block, families on television, and long for that. To be together with other people who loved you in a special way. A way that both shut out the rest of the world, and made you able to go into it in a different way.”
He was astonished how sad he felt for her. “I’m surprised you don’t have it, if you longed for it,” he said gruffly.
“I tried to set it up, to manipulate it into happening, to impose my sugarplums-and-fairies vision of family on every single relationship I was in, but I just ended up more disillusioned. At some point, I decided the kids I taught would be my family.”
It seemed to him that this was a lesson Morgan would teach him again and again. It wasn’t all about him. Maybe that was part of the legacy his two best friends had left him with.
When you cared about people, putting what t
hey needed sometimes came ahead of what you needed.
He knew he wasn’t a man who could be counted on to make anyone’s life better forever. Certainly he could not be trusted with sugarplum-and-fairy fantasies about family.
But he could probably be trusted with making her feel better for one single day.
And that day was today.
“Eating all these cookies?” he said.
“Yes?”
“Has made me really hungry. Want to go for Chinese?”
Taking somebody for Chinese food was a sign of a serious relationship in a small town, but she probably didn’t know that.
She smiled at him, and he was bathed in the light of that smile.
“Yes,” she breathed as if something was settled between them. So, maybe she knew what going for Chinese in small towns meant after all.
And really over the next few hectic days, it felt as if something was settled between them. Whatever it had been in Nate that could fight her, and his attraction to her, could fight no more.
The rehearsals were stepped up now in preparation for Wesley Wellhaven’s arrival. The children were practicing their parts in earnest, and Mrs. Wellhaven still frowned on an audience, so more and more Nate and Morgan used that as an excuse to slip away.
They were not dates. Or at least Nate told himself they were not dates.
Because mostly they were mere moments stolen from crowded schedules.
A quick walk around the block the school was on. A cup of coffee in the cafeteria. A shared crossword puzzle and biscotti at Bookworms café down the street. Sometimes, they’d sit in his truck, the heater blasting, just talking or sharing a newspaper. Once they had a snowball fight in the parking lot.
There was a time when all this waiting for Ace to finish rehearsals would have grated on Nate. Now he looked forward to every minute he got to spend with his daughter’s teacher.
When he was with Morgan, Nate had the strangest sensation that he was discovering the town he had always lived in as if it was brand-new to him.
He had never ridden the horse-drawn wagon that old Pete Smith drove around town for the three weeks before Christmas. Now he did. He had never taken the Light Tour, following a map through the town of the best Christmas decorated properties, but one night, when the kids were in a late rehearsal, he and Morgan did that. He had never been in Canterbury Tails, the pet store, but one time they went in and played on the floor with the new golden-retriever puppies that would be ready to go home for Christmas. Morgan guided him through the foreign land of the antiques stores and the bookstores and the art galleries. He’d lived in Canterbury his whole life, and he saw its museum for the first time with her at his side.
Morgan’s sense of wonder, her joy in discovery, was obviously part of what made her a teacher her students adored. But it was also what gave Nate the sensation that it was all brand-new, an adventure that had always been right in front of him all his life but that he had missed completely.
His own sense of wonder, his joy in discovery, seemed to be all about her. More and more her hand found its way to his, and he savored the feeling of it: soft and small within his larger one.
He kissed her. At first lightly, casually, but as time went on, the kisses deepened, and instead of slaking some desire inside of him the taste of her fueled it.
Nate found himself telling Morgan things he had never told another person, and she told him things he suspected she had never told another person.
Nate began to feel things around Morgan that he had never felt. He would never say it was a better relationship than what he had had with his wife.
But it was different.
He and Cindy had grown up together, he had known her forever. He had loved her, and he had loved David, and when the time came he had kept his vow to David gladly.
But now, with Morgan, sometimes Nate would remember Cindy’s words to him, a long time ago.
I wish you could know what it is to fall in love, Nate.
Stop it, Cin, I love you.
No. Head over heels, I can’t breathe, think, function. That kind of fall-in-love.
At the time, he had thought she was crazy. He hadn’t felt he could love anybody any more than he loved her.
But now, with Morgan, he saw that there were different kinds of love. It felt as if Cindy’s wish for him was coming true.
You’ve been my angel, Hath. Now I’ll be yours.
For the most pragmatic man in the world to even consider those words and wonder if they could be true was a measure of what was happening to him.
Nate felt as if he was making a choice, saying yes to something that was bigger than him. He had never felt like this: breathless with wanting, on fire with life and longing.
The simplest things: discussing the newspaper, opening a fortune cookie at a Chinese-food restaurant, playing with a puppy on the floor, it all made him feel so intensely alive, almost as if he had sleepwalked his way through life, and now the touch of her lips, her eyes on his, her hand folded into his hand, were making him come fully gloriously awake.
He was aware of feeling like a teenage boy around Morgan, wanting to show off for her. He loved how he could make her eyes catch on his muscles when he flexed, how his breath would stop in his chest when she caught the tip of that little pink tongue between her teeth.
He loved the stolen kisses, the sizzling moments of pure awareness, the desire building to heat that could melt steel. He loved the smoky look that would cloud her green eyes after they kissed.
And he loved it that they didn’t give in, as he had with Cindy. That they let the wanting become a part of the tantalizing sizzle of being together.
He felt dazzled, as if he was conducting an old-fashioned courtship, as if he had become the gentleman she had promised him she could see, even when no one else ever had.
When Nate was not with Morgan it felt as if the color had leeched from his world, as surely as the color leeched from the autumn leaves, stealing their reds and golds and oranges until they were just brown.
He anticipated seeing her. He found himself thinking of little ways to win that smile. He sent her a single orchid in a candleholder. He made her little trinkets at the forge, a frog, a chunky bracelet, a set of little metal worry beads.
Morgan’s relationship with Ace was a marvel. She knew everything there was to know about little girls. She knew about hair bows and pink shoes and underwear with the days of the week embroidered on each pair. She knew about doll’s clothes, and Hannah Montana and baking things.
His little girl was blossoming like a cactus that had waited for Christmas.
But through it all, Nate felt as if he was in a love-hate relationship with himself, as if his surrender to all these good things and good feelings was temporary.
He liked the way it felt to be excited about life, to explore the mysteries and gift of another human being. But at the same time he hated the sensation of losing control.
The feeling of choosing this was leaving him. Because with every day that Morgan’s laughter and her nearness filled his life with light, it felt the choice to walk away was a door that was closing.
What man could choose to go back to darkness after he had been in the Light?
Maybe walking a great distance in darkness was even about this: recognizing the Light when you felt it. Honoring it by knowing it was something not to be taken for granted.
Nate was beginning to see the events of his life in a larger perspective.
How would you even know it was light, if you had never known darkness?
He was so accustomed to being a man of action that these thoughts, deep and complex, troubled him.
And it troubled him even more when he realized what was happening.
He could call it whatever he wanted: discovering the Light, learning to play again, having fun, being awake.
But all those names could not really distance him from the truth that it was far deeper than any of the labels he was trying to attach to it.<
br />
Nate knew it when he found himself in Greenville, alone, shopping, a weekday when both Morgan and Ace were at school.
The thing was, he knew darn well he had not come here to shop for Ace. No, Ace’s parcels were spilling out from under their Christmas tree in a pile so high and wide they were taking over the living room.
No, Nate had taken advantage of the fact Morgan and Ace were in school to make the trip to Greenville by himself to find something to give Morgan for Christmas.
He wasn’t quite sure what. The hammer in the bag from the building supply store—a nice little 12-ounce curved-claw trim hammer—didn’t quite cut it.
He wanted something that would let her know what she had come to mean to him. He wanted something so special. Something spectacular. And yet subtle at the same time.
Something that would make that light come on in her face, the one that he was starting to live for.
Something…but what?
Everything he looked at seemed wrong. Gloves? Ridiculously impersonal. Hat and scarf? Too generic. Books? Too stuffy. Lingerie? Not nearly stuffy enough.
He found himself standing at the window of Orchid Jewelers in the mall he had never once been to before he met Morgan.
Maybe, he found himself thinking, I should just make her something at the forge.
Around him was the bustle of shoppers, the tinkle of bells, carolers, the ho-ho-ho of the mall Santa.
All these things—the noises, the colors, the decorations, the music, the good cheer—all these things a mere year ago would have made him cringe.
He could feel the healing happening in the fact he felt the Christmas excitement, he was enjoying being part of it, instead of apart from it.
And then he realized he was staring at something in the window of Orchid Jewelers. It was something that made him understand exactly what was happening to him.
Nate Hathoway realized he was falling in love. The exact kind of love Cindy had once wished for him.
The can’t-breathe, can’t-think, can’t-function kind that he had once thought sounded awful.
And Nate realized that if he didn’t make a choice about that soon, if he didn’t stop falling, and start making some conscious decisions, the ability to choose might be taken away from him completely.
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