‘What?’ He frowned. ‘Why?’
A look of pain crossed the Constable’s face. ‘Just wait. It won’t be long, it never is now. Then you’ll understand.’
Wait! Lothar took a deep breath, tempted to tell Ulf exactly what he could do with that suggestion. The last thing he wanted to do was wait! He’d waited too long already, delayed his departure too many times. He’d almost left that morning, had only come back because he’d wanted to make peace with Lady Juliana. Now part of him wished that he’d left when he had the chance. This time he was well and truly trapped. No matter what he’d just told Ulf, he couldn’t leave now. The thought of abandoning Lady Juliana with Sir Guian had been bad enough, but William, too? Not just his friend, but his sick friend? How could he possibly leave now?
A fit of coughing drew him to the bed.
‘William?’ He leaned over, alarmed to see the vacant expression on the face looking up at him.
‘Who are you?’ The voice was frail and wavering, nothing at all like the one he remembered.
‘It’s Lothar. From the Empress’s court.’
‘The Empress?’ William’s green eyes, so strikingly like his daughter’s, darted wildly around the room as if he were searching for someone. ‘Where’s Ana?’
Ana? He felt a faint stirring of unease. He’d never heard William call his daughter by the short version of her name before.
‘Lady Juliana’s resting.’
‘Not her—my wife! Tell her to come to me.’ William closed his eyelids briefly, before opening them again with a fresh look of confusion. ‘Who are you?’
‘Lothar.’ He tried again. ‘I’ve been sent by the Empress.’
‘Who?’
‘Empress Matilda.’
‘But she’s a child! I thought she was in Francia. Why is she sending me a message?’
‘He means the King, my lord,’ Ulf interrupted hastily. ‘King Henry.’
‘Ah.’ William looked relieved. ‘Then what does the King want with me?’
‘He sends his greetings, my lord, and Sergeant Lothar here. Do you remember him?’
The old man’s face wrinkled in concentration. ‘There’s something familiar, but I don’t know the name.’
‘It doesn’t matter.’ Lothar took a discreet step backwards. He had the feeling his presence was only making William more distressed. ‘We’ll talk later. You ought to rest now.’
‘I can’t. It hurts.’
‘My lady gives him some medicine for the pain.’ Ulf lowered his voice. ‘Will you allow it?’
‘Yes.’ This time he didn’t hesitate. ‘Do it.’
He didn’t stay to watch, moving away from the bed with a fresh sense of despair, as if he’d lost his old friend all over again. The last time he’d seen William had been just over a year ago. Now that he thought of it, there had been something odd about his behaviour then, as if he was missing some of his usual alertness, but he’d put it down to the strains of war.
‘Is he always like this?’ He waited for Ulf to join him in the doorway.
‘No. Sometimes he’s aware of everything, though that doesn’t happen often now. It’s not just his mind either. There’s some kind of sickness.’
‘Did he ride out to fight Stephen like this?’
‘Aye.’ Ulf shook his head regretfully. ‘Six months ago he still seemed to know what he was doing, but he was worse than we realised. My lady didn’t want him to go, but she couldn’t naysay him either. We’d no idea that he intended to charge off all on his own. It happened so fast that I couldn’t stop him. That’s why he was knocked down and captured. Lady Juliana blames herself.’
‘If he was captured, then how did he get back here?’
Ulf’s face took on a look of pride. ‘Because she rode into Stephen’s camp to get him.’
‘Lady Juliana?’ Both his eyebrows shot up. ‘On her own?’
‘She wouldn’t let anyone go with her.’
‘Was there a ransom?’
‘If there was, we couldn’t have paid it. Everything he had was spent on supporting the Empress.’
‘Then how...?’ Lothar let out a low whistle as the truth finally struck him. ‘That’s why she swore her allegiance to Stephen, to get him back?’
Ulf nodded. ‘She came back an hour later with her father on a litter. He hasn’t got up since.’
‘Taking care of him...’ Lothar murmured the words softly. ‘Is that why she’s always so tired, because she’s been nursing him?’
‘Ever since she brought him back, running herself into the ground doing it, too, no thanks to your lot.’ Ulf’s expression turned combative again. ‘So what are you going to do now?’
Lothar folded his arms, knowing that he ought to rebuke the other man, but lacking the will to do so, glancing across to her chamber door instead. She’d stopped protesting once his men had dragged her away, though he’d been no less aware of her presence in the tower. Every thought he’d had seemed to come back to her, as if his mind were incapable of not thinking about her for long. Now it seemed that he’d misjudged her and badly. The fact that she’d been keeping secrets from him still rankled, but the sense of relief he felt was greater still. She hadn’t been holding her father prisoner after all. She hadn’t betrayed him simply because she wanted to be chatelaine. She’d been telling the truth when she’d said she was taking care of him. Which meant that he owed her an apology.
‘Stay with him.’
He pulled the key to her chamber from his gambeson and crossed the gallery, knocking lightly on the door before pushing it open.
She was lying sprawled across the bed, her legs dangling over the edge as if she’d simply tumbled backwards where she’d sat. Probably she had. At least now he knew the reason behind her exhaustion. Every time he’d thought he’d been sending her to bed she’d been nursing her father instead. No wonder his knock hadn’t disturbed her. She was probably tired enough to sleep for a week.
He studied her face, half-obscured by a swirl of dark red hair. Her forehead was creased slightly, as if her cares were too ingrained to be forgotten in sleep, her lips slightly parted, as if just waiting to be kissed. He tensed at the thought, inappropriate as it was, surprised, too, by a rush of admiration. She was a better woman, not a worse one, than he’d realised. A woman who’d sided with Stephen to save her father, not to gain anything for herself. She hadn’t even sided against Matilda, not really. In which case, they weren’t on different sides any more. The thought made her even more tantalising. As if leaving her hadn’t been hard enough in the first place...
He backed towards the door and closed it softly behind him. There was no need to wake her just yet. Questions could wait. The other things he had to do couldn’t. He might have a difficult time explaining himself to the Empress when it came to it, but he had no choice. He couldn’t leave Lady Juliana. Not yet anyway, but Sir Guian most definitely could.
Chapter Sixteen
Juliana stretched her arms above her head, perplexed and vaguely disorientated by the peculiar sensation of actually feeling well rested. She’d only intended to doze, but now her chamber was dark, the only light spilling in from a torch in the gallery outside.
She rolled over and propped herself up on one elbow, frowning at the yellow puddle of light on the floor. There was something out of place about it, as if it shouldn’t be there, but what was so strange about torchlight? Nothing at all except... She sat up with a jolt. The door was open!
She sprang off the bed, hurtling out of her room and across the gallery before skidding to a surprised halt. Her father was sleeping peacefully in his bed with Lothar settled in a chair beside him, his stern features overshadowed by the hand resting on his forehead. She took a few cautious steps closer, wondering if there’d been some mistake and someone had left her door open by accide
nt. Was Lothar asleep? He wasn’t moving, though he didn’t look particularly relaxed—not that she expected him to. It was almost impossible to imagine him without that air of dangerous, tightly leashed tension. She leaned forward. How would he react if he woke up and saw her?
‘I owe you an apology, my lady.’
She jumped at the sound of his voice, embarrassed to have been caught looking at him. Peering closer, she could see shards of silver-grey shimmering between the gaps in his fingers, as if he’d been watching her as she’d been studying him. He must have known she was there the whole time.
‘An apology?’ It took her a moment to realise the significance of his words.
‘Yes.’
He sat up, dropping his hand from his face wearily. He still looked stern, but his earlier anger seemed to have dissipated, replaced by an air of almost mournful sadness, as if... She glanced quickly towards the bed. There was only one thing that could have changed his mind so completely.
‘He woke up?’
‘A while ago.’
She was half-afraid to ask her next question. ‘How was he?’
‘He asked for your mother.’
‘Oh.’ Her vision blurred. ‘He often thinks that I’m her. I used to correct him, but it only made him more upset. Now I just pretend.’
He nodded and glanced away, as if giving her a chance to control herself. ‘Ulf gave him some of your remedy. At least now I know why you keep such powerful medicines to hand.’
She brushed a hand across her eyes. ‘I don’t want to give them to him. I want him to wake up and be himself again, but he’s confused and in pain more and more. I can’t bear to see that.’ She paused. ‘Do you think it’s wrong of me?’
‘No. You’re taking care of him.’
‘I’m trying to.’
‘For what it’s worth, I’m sorry I accused you of anything else.’
‘Thank you.’
She took a chair on the opposite side of the bed, watching him from beneath her lashes. His eyes were hooded, though she could sense that he was still watching her, too. She had the impression that they were both seeing each other in a new light.
‘I thought you were leaving.’
‘So did I.’ He leaned back in his chair and sighed. ‘We seem to go around in circles, Lady Juliana. First you imprison me, then you release me, then I imprison you and now...’ He blew air from between his teeth. ‘Is there anything else you’ve neglected to tell me about? Is Stephen hiding in one of your stables?’
‘No.’ She smiled despite herself.
‘Good. Because I don’t want any more lies between us. We’re in this together now.’
‘What do you mean?’ She looked up again hopefully. Had he changed his mind about sending her to Matilda for punishment then? Was he going to help her? He was regarding her levelly.
‘I’m still here, aren’t I?’
‘What about Sir Guian?’
‘He’s gone.’
‘Gone?’
His lips twitched. ‘He was as surprised about it as you are. I sent him back to the Empress.’
‘But won’t he tell her about my father?’
‘He can’t tell her something he doesn’t know. That’s why I sent him away.’
‘You mean...’ She could hardly believe what she was hearing. ‘You mean you’re not telling her?’
‘No, I’m just not telling her yet. Some news is best delivered in person. For the time being, this is our secret.’
She felt a flicker of something like triumph, as if she’d just won an important piece in a game of chess. She wasn’t sure who she was playing against, but she’d won the piece all the same. He’d chosen to stay with her rather than rush back to Matilda. Not that she understood why...
‘Surely you could have left me here with Sir Guian while you told her?’ She tried to sound uninterested.
‘I could have.’ He gave her a look that she couldn’t interpret. ‘But I didn’t. I owe your father better than that.’
‘Oh. Yes.’ A stab of guilt mingled with disappointment. Of course he’d stayed for her father—just as he should have. It was selfish of her to hope otherwise. Her father was what mattered after all, not this strange attraction, or whatever it was, she seemed to feel towards Lothar.
‘Then I’m grateful. I know I don’t deserve your help, but l thank you for it anyway.’
He leaned forward suddenly, resting his forearms on his knees as he fixed her with a hard stare.
‘Why didn’t you tell me? The rest I can understand, but not that. What was the point of still pretending your father was dead after you surrendered? I told you he was my friend. Why didn’t you ask me for help?’
‘Because I didn’t need help.’ The words came out by habit.
‘You were half-killing yourself taking care of him. What use would you have been to anyone then?’
She stiffened defensively. ‘I told you, I made a promise to Stephen. If people had found out he let my father go without a ransom, then it would have looked like weakness. I owed him for that. I’d already failed him in every other way by surrendering to you. I thought that I could still keep that part of my promise.’
‘Even at your father’s expense?’
She winced. ‘I was with him almost the whole time in the taproom. I made him as comfortable as I could.’
‘You still could have trusted me.’
‘I couldn’t take the risk! I know I’ve been holding the castle unlawfully. That’s ten times worse than defying Sir Guian. Sick or not, my father’s still alive. Haword should still be his to command.’ She looked down at her hands. ‘Besides, it wasn’t that I didn’t trust you, but I thought you’d tell the Empress. I was afraid that she’d punish my men for helping me.’
‘She wouldn’t.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Because I know her.’ He shook his head remonstratively. ‘You should have asked me for help. It’s not a weakness to ask.’
‘Maybe not for a man, but most men already think women are incapable of acting without their help. Asking for it only reinforces that.’
‘I’ve never said you were incapable.’
‘You didn’t have to.’
A moan from the bed interrupted them and she bit her lip, waiting for her father to settle again before standing up and beckoning for Lothar to follow her to the window embrasure.
‘You’ve made your opinion about my abilities perfectly obvious.’ She swung round to hiss at him. ‘You undermine me in front of my men, you refuse to fight me...’
‘That wasn’t intended as an insult.’
‘You think that a woman ought to be delicate and refined like Matilda. If I were more of a lady then maybe you’d think I was fit to be chatelaine.’
‘It’s obvious that you’ve never met the Empress, my lady. No one has ever called her delicate before.’
She snorted derisively and he frowned.
‘Why don’t you like her?’
‘I’ve never met her.’ She tensed, caught off guard by the question. ‘Why wouldn’t I like her?’
‘I don’t know. Perhaps you resent her?’
‘You mean for doing nothing to help my father when he needed her?’
‘I told you, she had no men to spare.’
‘Then perhaps I’m just sick of coming second!’ She couldn’t restrain the truth any longer. ‘My father would have razed this castle to the ground rather than fail her. Is it any wonder that I resent her?’
‘No.’ He looked sombre. ‘Your father was loyal by nature, but didn’t you ever think that he was acting on your behalf, too? He believed that a woman was capable of ruling the country. Maybe he thought that if Matilda succeeded, then you could, too. You’re very similar.’
‘What?’
‘You remind me of her. Maybe not in looks, but in spirit.’
She gaped in astonishment. What did that mean, that she reminded him of the woman he loved? Of course he had to qualify the statement by mentioning her appearance, but was that a good or a bad thing?
‘You’re brave like her, too. Not many men would have ridden into an enemy camp on their own.’
His gaze seemed smoky and she dropped her own quickly.
‘I had to. I should never have let Father ride into battle, but I didn’t know how to stop him either. Everything he said seemed to make sense, but when he charged off on his own I knew I’d made a terrible mistake. When he was knocked down he hit his head...’ She shook hers at the memory. ‘I had to try to get him back.’
‘You met with Stephen?’
‘Yes. It wasn’t hard to convince him that Father was sick. After the way he’d behaved, it was obvious something was wrong.’
‘So you gave your allegiance in exchange for your father?’ He seemed to sway closer towards her. ‘You know you can retract an oath given under duress. You can still rejoin the Empress.’
She gave him a barbed look. Typical that he’d think that way, as if her allegiance to Matilda were all that mattered.
‘It wasn’t given under duress.’
‘You were in an impossible situation.’
‘Yes, but Stephen was more generous than I expected. He could have refused my request, could have thrown the rest of us out of Haword, but he didn’t. He let me bring Father home. I gave my oath willingly in exchange. I gave him my word and I won’t go back on it. Father would never have done.’
‘He wouldn’t have wanted this.’
‘I know that! I know he would rather have rotted away in a dungeon than have me take sides against Matilda, but I couldn’t bear the thought of it. I have my own mind and I make my own decisions. I love him more than I care about your Empress. I couldn’t abandon him to die like that.’
There was a heavy silence between them before Lothar jerked his head at the bed.
‘Does he know?’
‘That I swore allegiance to Stephen?’ Her voice wavered slightly. ‘No. He was unconscious when I brought him back to the castle and then...there were a few times when I thought I should tell him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He doesn’t remember the battle and I couldn’t bear it if...’ She felt a sudden rush of panic. ‘You wouldn’t?’
Besieged and Betrothed Page 13