A Mess of a Man

by A. M. Hargrove

  Okay, maybe she’s hormonal. I know better than to ask. Instead, I give her the truth and hope I find the right words and don’t fuck this up.

  “I love them. I’ll admit when I saw you, it was your legs and the side view of your tits that caught my eye. It may sound shallow, but it’s true. However, it isn’t your beauty that keeps me here. Hell, I’ve had many beautiful women in my life and none of them captured my attention like you have.”

  I stop because I have the shits of the mouth. Drew told me I would fall one day and I’d be begging some woman to see the good in me. And here I am. All I have is honesty, so I give it to her.

  “You’ve seen Karen. She’s something to look at, yet her attractiveness is buried under all of her conniving ways.”

  “She’s prettier than me.”

  Something’s off. Sam isn’t vain, but she doesn’t have low self-esteem either.

  “She has nothing on you, baby.” I place my hands on her arms and stare in her hazel eyes. “You’ve got it all. And she doesn’t. Whatever she’s got going on will fade one day and the only thing left will be spite.”

  I search her eyes hoping she’ll see the truth in what I have to say. “That and rubbery tits.” I laugh at my own joke. “She wasn’t even that small to begin with. I think a B, she said. She didn’t feel like she could compete. And now she can’t. You are perfect just as you are. And when you get older, you won’t look like a clown. I bet your breasts will still be amazing, just like you.”

  Her smile is still mysteriously missing. Her arms are crossed over her chest like she’s hiding from me. What the fuck am I doing wrong?

  “What really happened between you and Karen anyway?”

  Thankfully, I manage to hold in a groan. All thoughts of sex have fled the building. I’m still up for her in more ways than one. But she doesn’t look anywhere near ready for me to touch her. I turn for the couch and sit down. I’ve done this to myself, bringing Karen up. Talking about her and the reasons I’m not with her isn’t going to help whatever is going on.

  When Sam doesn’t come over and sit next to me, I pat the cushion, praying I’m not making another mistake. Hopefully, she doesn’t call me an asshole for treating her like a puppy. The fact that I think of it means I’ve probably fucked up again. I scrub my face remembering all the reasons for not wanting a girlfriend. The main one is women are too complicated. And I’m not smooth enough not to mess it up.

  I glare up at the ceiling missing my best friend like crazy.

  Her hand pulls mine free of my hair jarring me from darker thoughts. “Ben.”

  “I know. I know.” Cue in heavy sigh, because I don’t know what to say that won’t set her off.

  “Just tell me,” she urges.

  Her quiet words make me meet her eyes. Sadness is still there and frustration builds in my chest. I lean back holding her gaze. I know when I tell her the truth things will change between us. She’ll see me for the dick I am because there isn’t a way to pretty up what I have to say if I plan on staying honest with her.

  “She was convenient. A steady screw so I didn’t have to waste time at a bar or a club looking for someone to fuck when I had a mind for it.”

  Sam’s brows rise and I close my eyes, gazing away. I stare at the blank screen of the TV because I can’t look at her when I say the rest of it.

  “She’s a lawyer, busy like I am. She wasn’t clingy.” I laugh at that. “Or so I thought. She cleaned up nice when I needed a date and I let it go on longer than I should have.”

  “Is that what you think of women … of me?”

  I snap my head in her direction and focus on her. “Not exactly and definitely not you. I’m not going to be ashamed of who I was.” As her eyes go wide, I add, “I’m not proud of it either. But I’ve always been honest. Even with Karen. I guess somehow she believed she could change me. I don’t know. My five-year plan has never included a relationship. My goal has been to make something of myself. Have my dad be proud of me for once. Then you came along.”

  Shaking my head, I wonder who’s talking. When have I ever been into monologues? Only, she doesn’t look convinced.

  “Sam, you’re beautiful. God, you’re beautiful. But that’s not all that attracts me to you. Your spark, that you don’t put up with my shit, you’re independent and not needy. I’m not going to lie and be totally altruistic—I fucking love your body, especially your tits. But you are more than that.”

  “Thanks for noticing.” She gives me a sad smile. “You had to know who she was. What made you walk away when you did?”

  I have no fucking clue why she’s zeroing in on Karen. This has to do with looks and her tits, but I still can’t piece it together.

  “You think I left because she had fake tits?”

  She shakes her head. “No, but why did you finally leave?”

  “I didn’t leave because I was never hers,” I snap, suddenly angry that I seem to be defending that Karen and I weren’t together. “She was never mine.” I pause taking a deep breath. Just tell her, Ben, I think to myself. “She wanted me to go with her to visit her aunt in the hospital. And I didn’t see why I should go.”

  Her forehead crinkles. “That doesn’t seem like the Ben I know.”

  “What? I felt bad the woman was sick, but I had nothing to offer. Karen and I didn’t have a future together. There wasn’t a reason for me to confuse a bad situation by getting the awkward questions about a relationship that didn’t exist.”

  “Bad situation?”

  And here it is. She’s going to think I’m a jerk.

  “Her aunt had cancer.” I run a hand through my hair. “But even if she didn’t, I still wouldn’t have gone. But that cancer shit scares the hell out of me, Sam. I’m not going to lie. I can’t do that again. I had to smile while watching my best friend die because he didn’t need to carry my pain when he had his own. And I won’t do that again.”

  That last part comes out a little more bitter than I mean. I shake my head getting to my feet. I need a drink and head to find the bottle of Lagavulin.

  Sam is right behind me. She places a hand on my back and her warmth seeps into me.

  “Ben, I’m sorry.”

  I turn to face her. “No, I’m sorry.” I sigh. “It’s just I can’t seem to get the fucker out of my head. I miss him like crazy and I should be over this. I bet you feel like I’ve said it a thousand times.”

  She shakes her head, cradling my face. “Who says you should be over this? There isn’t a timestamp on grief. Say it as many times as you need to.”

  I glance up, but she hangs on, bringing my head down to meet her gaze. There is a fire in her eyes that melts all my resistance. Words explode from my chest giving me the freedom to breathe.

  “It’s been over a year and I feel like a fucking pussy for needing him. But since we became friends, he was there almost every day of my life until he went to medical school. And even then, we talked a lot. When he moved back, I practically lived in his house the last few months of his life. And now nothing. He’s gone and everyone assumes that I should just be able to go on like he never fucking existed. But I can’t and I certainly will never willingly put myself in a position to watch someone die again. Once is more than enough for a lifetime.”

  The air I suck in manages to hold the burn in the back of my eyes from spilling over.

  “It’s okay.”

  And this is part of the reason why I’m falling for her. She pulls me close to cover my mouth with hers. Somehow she knows enough words have been said. I have to be close to her in a way I’ve never been close to another human being.

  “I need you like crazy, Sam.”

  She nods, taking my mouth again and smothering my words with heat. Her hands pull my shirt from my pants and it’s as if she’s close to orgasm the way she claws at my clothes. She leans up with a glint in her eye. I have no idea what’s she’s about to do.

  She splits the fabric of my shirt, sending buttons airborne, and fuck, if I’m
not turned on faster than a Porsche 911 turbo engine.

  “Want to play that game?” I ask.

  The smile she flashes me lights up the room. Clothes are taken off with no care to their destruction. Soon, we’re standing in front of each other naked, like two bulls ready to lock horns. She makes the first move taking a flying leap at me. Only I take it one step further. When she tries to lock her legs around my back, I shake my head and lift her higher.

  “Hook your legs over my shoulders. I want to eat that amazing pussy of yours.”

  As I hike her up by her spec-fucking-tacular ass, she wiggles and works her way into position as we stand in the middle of my living room. I bury my head in between her legs. There is an art to eating pussy. And as much as I like her where she is, I need more use of my hands without fear of her falling down.

  Good thing I know my house. I take several side steps until my leg hits the edge of the sofa. I carefully sit and Sam pulls free. I take advantage of the moment and lie back.

  “Sit on my fucking face, baby. I’m not done yet.”

  I get her off twice before I flip our positions and get her on her hands and knees. There isn’t anything gentle about the way I ram into her. She doesn’t complain, only screams out for more. When I blow my load, I’m so spent, we lie in a heap on the couch until I can catch my breath.

  By the time my alarm goes off the next morning, I’ve managed a couple of hours sleep. It has been days since I’ve had Sam in my bed and I’ve made the most of our time. We christen many rooms in the house except the bathroom, which I plan to rectify.

  “Wake up, sweetheart. I have to go to work and I plan to smell like you when I get there.”

  By the time I make it to the office and sit in my chair, I’ve done things with muscles I haven’t used in a while. It’s time to get that home gym installed if I plan to keep my pretty little girlfriend happy. The sheer number of times we went at it, if I’d gone bare my dick would have been chafed if not for Sam’s wet pussy. I’m for sure out of cum. Which reminds me of our test. We haven’t gone yet with everything going on, and I want to be inside her bare.

  I send her a text.

  Me: Testing, tomorrow morning?

  It’s not a question even though I’ve phrased it that way.

  Sam: Afternoon?

  I growl, not wanting to waste another minute.

  Me: Sure

  I make the necessary appointments and send her the time. Then I focus on work. All the correspondence about the confusion with the mutual fund company and the effected parties has gone out, with another letter still to review.

  “Do you think you should call your dad?”

  Jeff sits in a chair across from my desk and I have to stop myself from telling him to go fuck himself, since my door is wide open and I’m the acting boss. It would not be a good look.

  “Not happy with my leadership, because I think it’s working for me?” I ask with a raised brow instead.

  “It’s not that, but shit, man. If things go tits up, this is all on you.”

  He doesn’t have to tell me. Men were made by the tough decisions if you look back in history. And I don’t need my dad to tell me if I’m being a good boy or not. Not anymore.

  “I know. But trust me, I’ve got this.”

  I hit the send button on the letter I approve which isn’t apologetic. Mistakes happen, but it isn’t ours. We hadn’t directly invested in that slime ball who gives a bad name to all investment bankers. We trusted the information we had at the time that our clients’ money was free of the fraud. And unfortunately for us, mutual fund companies don’t always disclose every investment they deal with on a daily basis.

  “You’ve got balls, my friend.”

  He’s right. All my chips are on the table, and if I bust, I’ll lose everything.

  There is a ruckus in the hall. Jeff turns around just as a woman barrels through my door with Lisa in tow.

  “Ms. Spencer,” I say dryly, wondering why she’s still invading my life like a carpenter ant infestation until I break.

  “I may not be able to sue you, but I want the person fired who called me to come to your event.”

  I glare at Lisa who is supposed to be the gatekeeper in our office. I can see a talk with Trudy in my future. How did Dad deal with all this shit and still get things done?

  “You’re no longer a client, Karen,” I say slowly, hoping she’ll get the message.

  “I haven’t pulled my money. And I haven’t decided if I will. Just because you’re an asshole doesn’t mean your firm hasn’t made me a shit ton of money. And don’t worry—I want nothing to do with you. I’ve moved on. But whoever tried to use me for the fool should be fired.”

  I push at my hair knowing I need to handle this. “I’ll deal with it. Now if you excuse me, I have work to do.”

  Her eyes narrow and it’s easy to see she wants the final word.

  “Just so you know, you may have made me a ton of money, but you weren’t the best man that’s been in my bed.”

  She spins on her heels leaving my office in a huff. If she thinks her words will eat at my ego, she’s mistaken. The last thing I want is for her to think about me at all. So if she has to lie to herself, so be it.

  “Wait, who did you give the client list to?” I ask Lisa.

  “After the event?”

  I nod, already knowing the answer but needing to hear it to one more time. “That cute guy that works for your girlfriend.”

  “Nick?” I ask.

  She nods. “He’s not going to get in trouble is he? He asked me out. It would suck if I get him fired.”

  “Thanks. You can go, and make sure Ms. Spencer leaves the building.”

  Lisa glances at Jeff as if he can overrule me. I am going to have to have a meeting to remind people I am still in charge the next several days until Dad returns. When she leaves, Jeff whistles.

  “I don’t envy you, man.”

  Certainly I don’t either. I have to determine whether to tell Sam in person or over the phone. When I dial her number, I still haven’t decided.

  When my phone rings, I can’t keep the smile from forming on my lips. “Can’t get through the day without hearing my voice, huh?” When he doesn’t immediately respond, the curve drops from my mouth. “Ben? Are you there?”

  “Uh, yeah.” A heavy sigh explodes out of him.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Honestly, I’m not even sure how to begin this conversation.”

  The way my heart is hammering, this can’t be good. “Okay, why not try talking for one thing? You’re scaring me.”

  “No, no, don’t be scared. I’m sorry. I just hate to bring this up to you, because it’s not good. But I guess I just need to spill it. It was Nick.”

  “Nick? What about him?” I ask.

  “He was the one who told Karen to come to the party.”

  “Wait, what? You’re telling me that Nick called Karen and told her to come?” My face must be a thousand degrees right now because my blood pressure is boiling. “Why the hell would he do something so presumptuous as that? And who gave him the authority?”

  “Sam, calm down, baby. You’re yelling.”

  “You’re damn right I’m yelling.”

  “Do I need to come over there?”

  His question stops me in my tracks. “You would do that?”

  “Of course I would.”

  “Thank you, but no, I can handle this. And Nick.”

  His gentle chuckle comes to me over the phone. “I imagine you can and will.”

  “And what’s so funny about that?”

  “I’d like to be a fly on the wall when you do your handling. I can envision you handing Nick his ass in his hands.”

  “Oh, Ben, I’m so screwed though.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Other than his meddling in my personal life, he’s a good employee. He does a good job and knows this business. And now I’ll have to find a replacement.” My head is pounding at t
he thought already. “Do you think I should give him another chance?”

  “You don’t want me to answer that, do you?”

  “No. You want to beat his ass, don’t you?” I already know his answer.

  “He’s intentionally tried to ruin us. He pisses me off to about ten on the Richter scale, so, yeah, I’d like to kick his ass into the next county.”

  Ben’s absolutely right. Nick has done some terrible things, and stuck his nose where it never should’ve been. If I’m smart, I’ll do the right thing and fire him. “I don’t blame you. I’m having problems with that myself.”

  “Listen, my sister knows a lot of people. Maybe she can help you find someone. Or even knows someone looking for work in your area.”

  “Well, if she does, that would be awesome.”

  “Unfortunately, I’ve got to get back to work, but let me know if you need me.”

  “Ben? Thanks for letting me know. It wasn’t an easy call to make.”

  “No. I didn’t want to tell you, but you need to know these things. I’ll call you later. But Sam, I’ll be around, just call.”

  This is just great. How am I going to handle this? Nick isn’t here yet, but I won’t give him the opportunity to settle in. As soon as he arrives, I’ll confront him.

  As I wait, I open up my work calendar so I can get even more depressed. The schedule is packed and without Nick, how am I supposed to handle everything? I hear Nancy come in, and she pokes in her head to tell me good morning.

  “Nancy, can you send Nick in here when he arrives?”

  “Sure thing.”

  As I continue to inspect the workload, I notice I’ve checked a date off in two weeks. I cross reference it with my personal calendar and it’s the day I’m supposed to get back to my doctor. He’s expecting me to talk to that plastic surgeon. Damn! This is the last thing I need right now. With the business the way it is, I don’t have time for this. Not to mention, do I really want to face this right now? And that would be a big N-O! I’ll do what I can be very good at doing and that’s burying my head in the sand, like the proverbial ostrich. I quickly make a reminder note in my calendar, and push it back for four weeks from now, just so I’m not completely negligent and idiotic.