A Mess of a Man

by A. M. Hargrove

  “Sam, you have family and friends. You aren’t alone.” I swallow as a flash video plays in my head of Drew slowly dying in front of me. “I can’t do it again,” I choke out. “I just can’t. And it’s not fair to you for me to pretend otherwise.”

  I wait for her to storm out. But she just gives me the saddest look.

  “If I told you I love you would that make a difference?”

  She loves me. For a moment, my heart soars only to plummet to the ground in a sickening thud.

  “Sometimes, love isn’t enough,” I mutter, before downing the contents of the glass.

  Her spine straightens and her face clears of empathy.

  “You know what, Ben Rhoades?”

  I know better than to answer. But I do anyway as I pour myself another three fingers. “What?”

  “You can go fuck yourself, you asshole.”

  The worst part is not the door slamming in her wake as the exclamation mark on her storming out of my house. The worst part is she didn’t yell the words, she said them with pity and regret.

  A thousands thoughts circle my brain in a matter of minutes. If Drew were here, he would punch me in the face. Knowing I could have handled our parting words better, I toss back the last of the drink before hurling the glass at the door. It breaks into a million shards just like my blackened heart.

  I’ve let the only woman I’ve ever loved walk out my door, yet I can’t make myself run after her.

  “I love you,” I whisper for the first time and in place of goodbye. I can only pray we both survive what’s to come.

  “Don’t give me that look,” I say to no one. Only the echoes of Drew’s memory seem to continue to glare at me from beyond the grave. The contents of my stomach churn and it won’t be too long before the liquor takes me to a place I can’t get to alone. “I can’t, Drew!” My shouted words go unanswered. So I whisper the next ones as I stare at the ceiling wishing for Drew’s apparition to make an appearance just this one time. “I can’t watch someone I love die again. It will kill me.”

  Though my car isn’t even fifty steps from his door, it feels like fifty miles. Stumbling through blinding tears, I finally make it. When I get inside the heat is stifling, but I’m chilled to the bone. It takes several stabs with my key to hit the ignition and the engine finally comes to life. Driving in this condition is impossible so I make a call.

  “What’s up, baby sis?”

  “Laney …” I choke out.

  “Sam? What’s wrong?”

  Sobs explode from me like a cannon.

  “Sam! Talk to me, please. You’re scaring me!”

  “I … I …”

  “Where are you? I’ll come to you.”

  I hiccup out my answer. “B-b-ben’s d-d-driveway.”

  “Is he there?”

  “N-n-no. He hates me.” I rest my head on the steering wheel.

  “Just stay put. Sam, don’t you dare drive. I’m calling Lauren.”

  The scene replays itself over and over, like a broken movie projector. The accusatory look on his face, and the pain, but not only that—it’s the fear in his eyes that I keep seeing. Oh my God, what is happening here? My hand shakes as I cup my breast. Why did I wait so long?

  My phone buzzes. It’s Laney.

  “Yeah.”

  “Stay on the line with me. I’m meeting Lauren at your place and we’re coming to get you. I’ll drive you home. Can you tell me what happened?”

  Her simple question brings on a new barrage of tears.

  “Oh, Jesus, Sam. I’m sorry. Just stay calm. I can’t stand to hear you like this.”

  “L-l-laney, I’m so s-s-scared.”

  “What happened?”

  “I have a lump.”

  “A lump?”

  I fill my lungs with a shaky breath. “In my right breast.”

  “Oh, fuck,” Laney says. “How did you …?”

  I don’t let her finish before blurting out, “Ben found it.”

  “Ben? When?”

  “A few m-m-minutes ago.”

  “I don’t understand. Hang on, I just got to your place and Lauren’s getting in the car.”

  I can hear the car door closing. Then I can hear Lauren’s voice in the background, but Laney hushes her. “Okay, Sam, so Ben found it. But then why are you in his driveway?”

  Her question has me going numb. The entire scene replays itself again and I want to hate us both. Him for calling me a liar. And me for my denial, my intentions. But am I a liar? When was I going to tell him? My fear of losing him had me frozen, paralyzed, and look where it got me.

  “He accused me of lying to him about everything when I told him about our family history.”

  “He what? What an asshole!”

  “It wasn’t like that.”

  “Wait, you’re defending him?”

  “Laney, you don’t understand.” And I break down into another round of tears.

  “Okay, hang tight. We’ll be there in fifteen minutes. Promise me you won’t go anywhere.”

  “I won’t. I promise.”

  She makes me stay on the phone until she pulls in the driveway behind me. They both get out of the car and when they see how broken I am, Lauren threatens to go to the door and break it down to get at Ben.

  “No, Lauren, leave it be.”

  “He needs his ass kicked. This is when you need him the most.”

  I know she doesn’t mean it, but her words bring on yet another round of sobs. I have to stop this. I’m not the sobbing type, but I can’t seem to break this cycle.

  Laney says, “You need to move to the passenger side so I can drive.”

  Nodding, I get out and shuffle over to the other side of the car with Lauren holding my hand. Before I get in, she hugs me, saying, “It’s going to be all right, Sam.”

  I crumple into her hug and wrap my arms around her, tears raining down my face. “I wish I could believe it, but right now, my world is collapsing.” I feel as though I’m being sucked into a bottomless pit and everything is fading in my life.

  “It’s only temporary. I promise.” And she tucks me into my seat, buckling me in. Is this what it’s come to? I feel like a child needing to be taken care of.

  Lauren leaves and then Laney backs the car out. I lean my head against the warm glass and close my wet and swollen eyes. “I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and do everything over again.”

  “What would you do differently?”

  “I would tell Ben about our breast cancer history.”

  Laney is quiet for a moment. Then she asks, “And what do you think it would change?”

  When I think about it, I don’t have an answer. Would he have run? Probably. He’s so scared of cancer, it’s crazy. And I can’t blame him. It wasn’t about the breasts all along. It was the devastation of losing his best friend to cancer and his fears of going through that all over again. He would’ve run, no matter what.

  As Laney drives, she makes a call. I’m not totally with it, so when she starts talking, my ears perk up.

  “Yes, I need to make an appointment for my sister, Samantha Calhoun. She found a lump in her right breast and needs to be seen soon.”

  Laney glances at me and I nod.

  “Friday?” She looks at me and I nod again. “What time? Ten thirty?” I nod. “That would work out fine. And thank you.”

  “Thanks, sis,” I mumble.

  “Do you want me to call Mom or will you?”

  “I can do it, but not now. I’m not in the right state of mind.”

  “I get it. But Sam, don’t wait too long. She loves you too much not to know this.”

  “I know.”

  We pull up in my driveway and Lauren is already there. When we get inside, I drop onto the couch and Lauren shows up with a shot of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey. “Down this right now.”

  I don’t bother to argue because I need it badly.

  Lauren sits on one side and Laney on the other. Lauren says, “Start at the be
ginning, sweets.”

  So I tell them the whole ugly truth. Every single bit of it. By the time I finish, they both want to get back in the car and kick in Ben’s door, strip him naked, and castrate him.

  “It’s not like that, you all.”

  Lauren looks at me like I belong in the psych unit. “The man just ripped your heart out, shredded it in front of your eyes, then stomped on it and kicked you out of his house, all when you were at your lowest point. After, I might add, you told him you love him. How can you possibly defend him?”

  “He didn’t kick me out.”

  “He didn’t exactly cuddle up to you and call the doctor either, did he?” Lauren asks.

  “There are things about him you don’t know.”

  “Things? What kinds of things?” Laney asks.

  “I never told you all this because it was so personal to him, but a over a year ago, his best friend since kindergarten died of cancer. And they were super close. Closer than even brothers. It really threw him for a loop. He’s just now getting past all that. The cancer thing totally freaks him out.”

  Lauren thrums her fingers on her legs. “Okay, I get all that. But still. It’s even more important that he not abandon you now, when shit is really falling apart. He, of all people, should know you need his support more than ever. So in my humble opinion, that makes him an even bigger douche.”

  “Exactly! He’s the ultimate doucheface,” Laney says.

  I hug my body. “I can’t explain it.”

  Lauren sighs. “You don’t have to. But I should’ve let my instincts about him rule. The rumors were rampant. Anyway, what’s done is done. Now the important thing is to take care of Sam.”

  Laney hands me her phone and says, “Call Mom.”

  “Now?”

  “Please.”

  As soon as I tell Mom, she immediately starts sobbing, which induces another round of tears with me. My heart is crushed as she tries to pull herself together, yet fails. Then she wants to rush over, but Laney grabs the phone and explains that I’m going to try to sleep. She informs her of my appointment so she can be there, too.

  In the meantime, Lauren has called in the gang and they will be arriving at the house later.

  Suddenly I’m frozen with fear as I think about the ramifications of what’s happening and violent tremors shake me from head to toe.

  Laney grabs my hand. “What is it?”

  “I don’t want to die.” Tears bubble out of my lids faster than I can blink and I feel like I’m suffocating. “I shouldn’t have put this off,” I stutter. “This is all my fault. And now I’m going to put you and Mom and Dad through all kinds of hell because I was so selfish.”

  “Hey, hey, hey, who said anything about dying? And you don’t even know what this lump is. It may be nothing. You just had an ultrasound so I’m thinking it’s a cyst or something. Don’t go jumping the gun here, Sam.” Laney always was the calm one, the one that thinks about things rationally.

  Lauren hands me another shot and I throw it back, letting the burn find its way to my gut. My hands can’t stop shaking as I hand her back the shot glass. “Sorry.”

  “For what? Being afraid? Who wouldn’t be? But Laney’s right. Let’s take this a day at a time. And don’t worry.”

  I give them an unconvincing nod. Then I remember my business. “What am I going to do about work?”

  Laney, who’s lucky to not have to work because Evan has family money, says, “I can help. I’m not busy with any of my charities right now. What do you want me to do?”

  “You don’t mind?”

  “Of course not. I’m your sister, Sam. I’ll do anything for you.”

  “What would I do without you?” I throw my arms around her. “Nancy at the office can tell you what needs to be done. I can go in tomorrow. But then I don’t know if I’ll be worth a thing on Friday.”

  “Don’t worry. Let me go in now and handle what needs handling for the rest of the afternoon.”

  After she’s gone, I ask Lauren, “Why is it always me that needs the pieces put back together?”

  “Because you’re beautiful and kind and loving. And Sam, don’t change.”

  My body sags at her words. “I think I’m going to lie down for a while.”

  “Okay. I’m here for the day. Call if you need me.”

  “Have I told you that I love you lately?” I ask.

  “You just did.”

  My tear-stained smile is weak, but it’s all I have to offer right now. I trudge to my bedroom, with the weight of the world on my shoulders. When I get to the bathroom, I stare at the woman in the mirror and the haunted eyes reflected back tell me how frightened I am. I wipe off the mascara that’s made its way down my cheeks, and then strip off my clothes.

  As I stand in front of the mirror, I examine my breasts. They look fine. But they’re not. Why do they have to be sick? Why can’t my breasts be healthy? I’m only twenty-four. I don’t want to lose my breasts. My fingers quiver as I slide them over the right one on the area where the lump is and that sinking sensation explodes in my guts. I try to pretend it’s not there, but it is. Small and hard, I can feel it. And it doesn’t hurt a bit, which is even scarier. Over and over, my shaky fingers explore it, hoping against hope it’s not there. But it always is.

  I hang my head and the burn of tears fills my eyes again. The same shaky hand that felt the lump now moves to my mouth to shield it so my cries are muted. I’m not sure how long I stay like this, but soon, my legs fold beneath me and I end up on the floor, curled up in a ball.

  “Sam, sweetie, wake up.” Lauren crouches by my side in the bathroom.

  Lifting my pounding head, I stare at her for a second, confused. I’m naked but for my panties and lying on the bathroom floor.

  “What’s going on?” I ask, confused.

  “I was going to ask the same of you. What are you doing on the floor?”

  I swipe the wet mess off my face and sit up, crossing my arms over my chest. “I don’t want to lose my boobs,” I cry.

  “Oh, Jesus, Sam.” And she pulls me into her arms. “I don’t want you to either. But I’d rather you lose your boobs, than lose you. I wish I could give you mine.”

  “What’s going on in here?” Berkeley sticks her head in the door.

  Lauren answers, “Sam’s having a rough moment.”

  “I’m sure she is. But if she’d get dressed and come out of there, she could have her rough moment with the girls and we could help her get through it.”

  I lift up my head and say, “I don’t want to lose my boobs.”

  “Is that what this is all about?” Berkeley asks.

  “Yeah,” Lauren and I say at the same time.

  “Then let’s have a titty party,” Berkeley yells.

  Lauren asks, “Don’t you mean pity party?”

  “Hell no. I mean titty party. Get your ass off the floor and put a shirt on or you’re gonna have to party naked.”

  “You’d better do it,” Lauren says.

  She’s right. Knowing Berkeley, she’ll drag my naked ass in the living room, boobs bared, and won’t give a shit what I say.

  I go to my closet and start putting on a bra.

  Berkeley snatches it out of my hand. “Nope. You won’t be needing that for a titty party. Just put on a T-shirt.” I grab one and throw it on. And some boxers. Then we all go out to the living room and all the girls are there.

  “Yay! She’s up,” Hayley says.

  “That’s right and we’re having a titty party. Everyone has to take off their bras.” All the girls look at Berkeley like she’s lost her mind. “Come on. Sam doesn’t want to lose her boobs, so we’re having a titty party. Bras off.”

  Everyone takes them off and hangs them on Berkeley’s extended finger.

  “Excellent. This is what we’re going to do. Sam doesn’t want to lose her boobs, but we don’t want to lose Sam. So we’re all going to take off our shirts and then each of us is going to tell Sam why we’d rather lose our
boobs than lose her. Who wants to go first?”

  Lauren steps up to the plate. She rips off her shirt and stands naked from the waist up.

  “Sam, first off, I’d give you my boobs, but you probably wouldn’t want them since they’re a quarter the size of yours.”

  Everyone boos her and I laugh.

  “But second, I would gladly give up my boobs to keep you around because life without you would be like mashed potatoes without the gravy. You have been my best friend since I can remember. You are the sweet to my tea and I can’t even imagine taking one step without you beside me. I would wander the face of this Earth like a lost soul without you. And boobs, what are they anyway? Just two humps on your chest. So you can’t breastfeed when you have kids. Big fucking deal. If that’s the only price you’ll have to pay for your life, Sam, then by God, take it and run. Take it, Sam, and live. Please!”

  She wipes her face when she’s done, and so do I.

  I stand and give her a big hug. “I love you, too, you big goon.”

  Next comes Berkeley.

  “Okay, Miss Calhoun.” She rips off her shirt and shimmies. “How do you like them apples?”

  Everyone claps and whistles.

  “If you for one minute are worried about keeping boobs over life, then fuck that shit. I, for one, will kick your skinny ass all the way over the Cooper River. I mean, we’re all together in this. This is not just you, sister. Those are not just your boobs. They are our boobs. And if getting rid of them is going to save your life, save our group, then we are kicking their asses out. Got it?”

  Everyone whistles again and cheers.

  “And we’ll get you a nice and shiny new pair that will look as pretty as can be. Because in the end, the only thing that matters is that you’re here, Sam. That’s it. We don’t give a shit about anything else. Got it? We love you and we’re going to be with you one hundred percent of the way in this.” And she grabs me and hugs me, squishing her boobs against me so hard, I’m afraid they’ll pop.

  The rest of the girls give their own testimonies, one by one, telling me how much they love me and refuse to let me walk down this road alone. By the time Hayley goes, it’s decided that we are all one giant set of boobs to be shared by all. I have this image in my head of two tits taking over Charleston, and I die laughing.