by Delisa Lynn
“Yeah,” I whisper.
“Happy birthday, princess.” He laughs as he takes a drag of his cigarette.
Something in me snaps. I charge toward him like a bull that’s just been let loose. “Fuck you! I fucking hate you. You’re nothing but a pig, a goddamn pig.”
I hit him in the chest with my fist. He grabs my hands and pushes me backwards. I fall into the table, hitting my head. I steady myself and stand back up.
Pointing his finger in my face, he orders, “Go, before I hurt you. I can make you disappear and your parents could care less.”
I pick my purse back up and mumble, “Fuck you.” Then I slam the door and run to my car, making sure no one is following me since we’re at one of the slummiest hotels in Pittsburgh. I start my car and hit the steering wheel a few times. My screams fill the small car. I can’t believe dad planned this with Craig years ago. Bastards…
I drive away from the motel, thinking about my plans to leave here and never return.
Tears streaming down my face, I pull over at a gas station. Thank God the gas station has an outside bathroom. The way I look, I can’t go inside. I lock the door behind me and pull as many paper towels from the dispenser as I can. I turn the water on and strip my clothes off. I pump soap onto the paper towels and rub them under the running water.
While washing my body with the cheap hand soap, I see dried blood and semen on my legs. My stomach turns and I start dry heaving. Kneeling in front of the dirty toilet, I throw up everything inside of me. His words keep replaying in my head. “The rest of the money.” They knew he was giving them more. I steady myself with the sink as I rise to my feet. I finish cleaning myself and head back to my car.
***
I park in front of the house I once loved. My once beautiful mother walks out, her hair long and oily, her body frail. I stop right in front of her and smack her across her face. She flinches and places her hand on her cheek.
“I did exactly what you wanted me to do. I’m leaving. I hope you’re happy with the choices you’ve made for me.” I step back, away from her. “Let Daddy know that Craig will be bringing the rest of his money. You know, the money you never told me about.”
“Wait, your daddy and I love you. We needed the extra money. Times are hard.” She twists her hands in front of her worn out blouse. “It wasn’t that bad, was it?”
“You needed the money, but you’ve promised my purity to Craig for how many fucking years now? How about you both get real jobs. Oh, wait, you’d have to take a drug test. Don’t worry about me. You’ll never see me again. I won’t breathe a word of this to the police, just promise to never look for me.” I get back in my car, slamming the door to my clunker. “Oh, and you want to know how bad it was, Mother? I laid there while that man pounded his cock in and out of me as I asked him to please stop. His sweat hit my face and his grunts made the bile in my stomach surface. Now, you tell me how wonderful that was.” I tilt my head to the side. “Then again, you know what it’s like. He’s been fucking you for years.”
She falls to her knees. Sobs escape her. “Ansley, we love you. It’s just that your brother’s death hurt us. He was going to be someone. He was our world.”
“Am I not someone? You think his death didn’t hurt me? He was my best friend, my only friend. Losing him crushed me too. I needed you and dad when Angelo died. The two of you died that day too. Now, your only daughter has also died.”
I speed off, not looking back. I know she is still on the ground. My great aunt, Lois, passed away and left me this car. She also left me some money. I got accepted at a college in Arkansas and that’s where I’ll start my new life.
***
Thornie, my uncle, knows I’m leaving. I had all my mail sent to his house weeks ago. When I pull into his driveway, I see him standing on the porch. I smile. He is an older, gray-haired, heavyset man. His smile is contagious. He and my aunt raised my mom, and my aunt was so disgusted about the way my mom started acting after my brother’s death. My aunt hadn’t spoken to my parents for years before she passed.
“Hey, Uncle.” I hug him.
“Goldilocks, you finally heading out?” he asks as he embraces me.
“Yes, sir. Mom isn’t happy, but I am eighteen now.” I look away and then back to him. “Will you be okay?” I ask. Since my aunt passed, he’s gone downhill. His health isn’t as good as it was a few years ago. He and my aunt never had any children and I’m his only relative, other than my mom.
“Baby girl, I’ll be fine. Here, take this,” he says, sliding an envelope in my hands. “Start a new life. Don’t you look back. Forget all the ugly they have done. Go live, be happy. This will cover a few years. Get your teaching degree. Call me when you can.”
“Thank you. I’ll miss you.” I hug him. “I’ll never forget you.”
“I’ll miss you too, Goldilocks.” I smile. He’s been calling me that since I was a kid. When I was younger, my hair always laid in huge curls.
He waves as I back out of the driveway. I smile. I’m finally free. I’ve lived in hell for the last ten years. By this time tomorrow, I’ll have a new life.
I pull onto the interstate and head far away from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I never want to enter this place again.
Chapter One
One Year Later
Ansley
I’ve been in Arkansas a year now. I moved into a small dorm on campus and became friends with a girl named Nina. She’s the total opposite of me. It took me months to open up to her, but eventually I had to. She was the only one that I had and, in my condition, I needed a good friend. She was there for me through everything that I went through. This year has been one of the hardest, but I know things are going to get better.
Earlier this year, I received a letter from a man named Mr. Hoskins. He was one of Uncle Thornie’s neighbors. Thornie had a stroke in December and passed away three days later. He was all the family I had left. I’ll forever be grateful for him and my aunt. They were my saviors. They were my ticket away from the hell I’d been thrown in.
I called Mr. Hoskins and he informed me that Uncle Thornie’s house and small ranch had been sold and he would mail me the check. At first, I didn’t understand him. He proceeded to explain that Uncle Thornie left everything to him and asked that, upon his death, everything be sold and the money sent to me. I was able to pay for all of my schooling and get a better car. The car Lois gave me kicked the bucket, so I’d been walking everywhere or riding with Nina.
Since all my clothes are too big and old, I went shopping to get some new clothes. After I finish shopping, Nina looks at my new ensemble. She smiles in approval.
Nina is gorgeous. She has legs to the sky, and her long, blonde hair lays in natural curls. Her eyes are so brown, they’re almost black. Her naturally tanned skin just makes her even more beautiful. Me? I’m plain. My stringy, black hair lays flat on my back and my eyes are as blue as the ocean. Freckles line my face, making me look younger than I actually am. My skin isn’t quit as dark as Nina’s, but you can see the Italian in me.
“Nina, you sure this looks okay?” I ask as I pull at my new dress.
I actually have a date tonight. This will be the first date I’ve ever been on. Morris seems like a great guy. He’s attending the culinary program here. I’ve been working at Reads, a bookstore, part-time. I met Morris there. He’s asked me out a few times, and I shot him down every time. I wasn’t ready. I’ve dealt with a lot the last year, but now I think I’m ready to go on with my life, to close the door on everything that’s happened.
“You’re gorgeous, babe. Morris is a lucky bastard.” She laughs as she hugs me. “If he tries anything at all, use the mace. I don’t think he will, though. I swear that boy likes men too.”
“Thanks, love. I’m really nervous. I haven’t even kissed a guy before. Well, other than...” I roll my eyes and say, “He isn’t gay.”
I turn away and close my eyes, struggling not to think about the monster my parents gave me to.<
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“Look at me. You got this. Not everyone is like your parents. There are nice people out there. I’m only a call away,” she says, holding up her phone.
I smile as I put my phone in my purse. “Thanks for everything. Don’t wait up.” I know she’s going to so she can hear how it goes.
“Have fun, beautiful,” she says as I walk out the door. I smile when I see Morris standing next to his car. He is very handsome, and he actually likes me.
“Hey, sweetheart. You look amazing.” He kisses my cheek.
“Thank you. I’m sorry I’m so nervous,” I confess.
“Don’t be. You’re safe with me.” He opens my door. I slide in and smile. There are good people in the world.
Chapter Two
Seven Years Later
Ansley
Blinking through the tears, I try to contain myself as the one person I thought would never hurt me crushes my fucking world with two simple words. I sit and continue to listen to everything he’s saying. It seems as if this is just a dream. We have the perfect life—or, shall I say, we had. I pinch myself just to make sure I’m awake. Shit, that hurt.
“Morris, I thought you loved me? How could you do this after everything we’ve been through?” I ask, knowing he’ll eventually break if I push hard enough. He’s always been honest and sensitive.
“I did love you at first, but things change. People change. I’ve known all my life this is where I should be, but hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do. Please forgive me.” He sighs. “Being with you did make me happy at first, but then everything changed. Don’t think that it’s you, because it’s not you at all.”
“What about the other girls before me? Was it real with them? What about all the times we made love? Did you fake that too?” The words just keep falling from my lips and I have no clue if I’m even making sense.
“No, I loved making love to you. That’s just it, though…loved. I’m gonna go. I’ll be back for my things. Take care of yourself.” He walks toward me, but I place my hands in front to stop him, so he turns toward the door.
“I guess the last seven years didn’t mean a damn thing, did they?” I yell. I feel like a ton of bricks have just fallen on my chest. I heave in and out, trying to catch my breath.
Without looking at me, he sighs. “They did, but it’s just not me anymore. You can keep the house. I bought a condo in the city. Please don’t make this harder than it is.”
And, just like that, he closes the door and leaves me all alone. I haven’t been alone for the last seven years. For seven fucking years, he was the air that I breathed.
I pick up our wedding picture and fling it at the door. I look around the room and see pictures that we’ve captured over the last seven years and go on a crazy rampage. I pick up every single one and toss them in the fireplace, frame and all.
“Screw you, Morris Clay,” I scream, walking into the kitchen. I see his favorite apron still hanging there. I tear it from the hook and sling it in the fireplace too. “Ha, so much for your favorite apron now, you fucking cock sucker.” No pun intended there.
I call the only person I have. She’s been my family the last eight years. “Nina, please come over.” I sob into the phone. “I need you. I can’t breathe, it hurts so bad.”
“On my way, babe. Are you okay? Are you injured?”
I sigh. As much as I don’t want to say the words that are about to leave my lips, I say them anyway. “You were right.” I hiccup through my sobs. “He likes dick as much as you do.”
“Holy hell, no way. I knew it! That sleazy fucker. Did you catch him with another man?” she asks. I stay silent. “On my way with the wine and Ben and Jerry’s.”
“Thanks, babe.” I hang up.
Collapsing onto the couch, I lift a large bottle of wine to my lips and drink half of the bottle without stopping. Sal, my Yorkie, sits in front of me, staring.
“It’s just us, boy.” I take another swig. “Don’t judge me, I’ve had a rough day.” He blinks and scratches at my legs.
I look through the pictures on my phone and see some of Morris and me from a few weeks ago. We went to The Little Rock Museum. I’d taken my class to the museum and they loved it, so I wanted to go there with him too. We spent the day at The Little Rock Museum, then went into the city. We had lunch at my favorite bistro and went for a stroll through the park. He wore a button down, pink plaid dress shirt and his blonde hair was styled with way more hair product than I ever used.
I swipe my thumb over the screen, going through every picture. In all of them, he’s smiling and laughing. I thought that was love in his eyes. My phone rings and Nina’s picture replaces Morris’s.
“Yeah.”
“Bitch, open the damn door. My hands are full.”
“Your hands are too full to open the door, but you can call me?”
“It’s called Bluetooth, babe.”
“Ugh...” I groan into the phone and walk to the door.
Nina has a grocery bag in one hand. In the other, she’s carrying her very expensive purse and a bottle of her favorite wine.
“What did you bring?” I ask, taking the bag from her.
“Comfort, my friend. I can’t believe that asshat. I hope he knows he’s messed with the wrong bitches. I’ll shove his dick so far up his—”
Stopping her by placing my hand up, I say, “Nina, please. I don’t want to talk about him or his ass and dick, especially in the same sentence. I need to just forget. Where’s the ice cream?”
“I told you he was gay,” she mumbles.
“You did. I should’ve listened. Hell, I knew he was. I think I was in denial.” I pour a glass of wine and laugh. “Here’s to new beginnings.”
“Let’s get this place cleaned up. Out with everything Morris. Oh, shit, he didn’t take the dog?”
“No, Sal is my dog, crazy lady.”
“Okay, where are his things? I’m ready to burn some shit,” she says, rubbing her hands together.
I snort and spit wine everywhere. “We aren’t burning his things. I’m leaving. I’ve made up my mind. I want to go someplace warm.”
I watch for her response. She’s thinking about what she wants to say. I can see it in her eyes. She always dips them and scrunches her lips together when she’s thinking hard about something.
“It’s almost eighty degrees out. Is that not warm enough?” She scopes out a heaping bowl of Chunky Monkey. “You can’t leave me, doll.”
“Nina, you know I love you. You’ve been my family since I left Pittsburgh. If it wasn’t for you, I would’ve never made it after I moved here. You…you saved me. I would’ve gone insane if you hadn’t been here for me.” It’s the truth. I was lost. Her spunkiness helped me through one of the worst years of my life.
Wiping her eyes, she kisses my cheek. “I love you. You’re an extraordinary woman. Morris Clay is blind and a douche. I can pull some strings if you really want to go to California. I know that’s where you wanted to go when we graduated. Is that the warm place you’re thinking of?”
“Yes. Thank you.” She knows I can’t stay here.
She snorts. “I’m still thinking of shanking him.”
“Fuck him, he can be with whoever he wants. Once the divorce is final, I’ll be a million miles away.”
“I hate him,” she says.
“Me too,” I reply. “Me too.”
***
It’s been three days since my world came crashing down, three long days of drinking my sorrows away. Today I have to pull my big girl panties up and face my co-workers and students. Going into work today is the last thing I want to do, but I have to go on with my life. I decided that I’m putting in my resignation and moving far away from here. I have nothing here now. The divorce will be over with soon. The last seven years of my life have been a lie.
When I get in my car, I see Morris’s hat lying in the back seat. I pick it up and toss it out the window. I spent the weekend cleaning. I know most people would pack his shit
and throw it out. Not me. I’m packing my stuff and getting the hell out. He can have this house. I don’t care what he does with it. He can sell it; hell, he can burn it to the ground for all I care.
I smile when I pull into the parking lot of Dana Elementary This school has been part of me for five years. I love this place.
The staff and students are wonderful. I got an interview here right out of college and was hired on the spot. I’d worked at the bookstore for two years. Other than that, I’d never worked.
Opening my door, I slide out of my Mini Cooper, grab my bags and sigh. “You got this, Ansley,” I reassure myself. As I walk through the hall, I try to put a happy face on for my peers and students.
“Good morning, Mrs. Clay. How was your weekend?” Brent, one of my students, asks.
“It was wonderful, sweetie. How was yours? Did you get to see the dolphins?” I ask, remembering that his parents were taking him to an aquarium.
“Yep, I did. They’re so cool.”
I ruffle the top of his brown hair and walk to my desk. As soon as I sit down, I just want to pack my desk, but I know I have to wait until the year is up. We have less than a month left, then I’ll be on my way out of this shithole town I once called home.
Watching my students stroll in the room, I see all their smiling faces. I realize I do have a reason to be here. It’s to teach them. Pushing all my personal crap aside, I begin teaching my class. It’s amazing what the smiles of twenty-five six-year-olds can do to your heart.
***
Today, I start a new life. Again. Nina is meeting me at the house so she can take the keys to Morris. I hope she can hand them to him without killing him. I look around the house. I’m leaving everything. I only packed my clothes and personal belongings. I put an offer in on a small condo. Thank goodness it comes furnished.