by Amy Clipston
Jamie’s heart began to pound, and then reality smacked him in the gut, knocking the wind out of him. He sank down onto a step. The EMTs weren’t loading Mamm onto a gurney and rushing her to the hospital. That could mean only one thing.
After a moment, he stood, wobbled, and made his way down the rest of the steps.
“Brody.” Jamie’s voice sounded high and foreign to his own ears. “Brody.”
Brody spun toward him, and shook his head. “I don’t know how to tell you this.” He put a hand on Jamie’s shoulder. “They tried CPR and did an EKG, but she doesn’t have any heart activity. I’m afraid she’s gone, and there’s nothing we can do.” His eyes glistened with tears. “I’m so sorry.”
Jamie’s breath came out in a whoosh as tears stung his eyes.
“It’s your fault!” Cindy came at Jamie, her finger wagging at him. “You did this! You killed our mamm!”
Jamie held up his hands and shook his head. “No, I never . . . I didn’t . . . I would never . . .” His mind swirled with grief and confusion.
Dat came after her. “Cindy, stop. Cindy.” He reached for her, and she stepped back, keeping her vehement eyes trained on Jamie.
Cindy continued to furiously shake a finger at him with a murderous glare. “You bought the supplies to repair the banister weeks ago, but you didn’t do it! You promised you would, but you didn’t. I told you this morning that Mark and Dat should do it, and you said no. Now-now . . .” Fresh tears streamed down her face. “Now she’s gone. You did this. You murdered her!”
Jamie staggered backward until he stumbled over the bottom step.
Cindy choked on a sob, and Dat pulled her into his arms and held her against his chest. “Shh, mei liewe,” he murmured into her prayer covering, his voice shaking. “Just calm down.”
Jamie’s chest squeezed, sucking all the air out of his lungs. He glanced at his mother’s lifeless body, and blood roared in his ears as Cindy’s accusation hit home.
Cindy is right. This is all my fault. I killed our mother.
He needed air. He couldn’t breathe. The basement walls were closing in on him.
He wiped his eyes and ran up the stairs, through the kitchen and mudroom to find the back door.
“Jamie!” Mark yelled. “Where are you going?”
Ignoring his brother, Jamie ran until he reached the pasture fence. He leaned forward on the slats and sucked in the fresh night air. His body shook like a leaf in a windstorm, and he gripped the slats in a vain attempt to calm himself.
I killed my mother. I killed my mother. I killed my mother.
His stomach churned and acid burned his throat. Then Jamie bent at his waist and vomited.
ELEVEN
Jamie straightened and breathed in deep gulps of air, attempting to stop his body from shivering. Cindy’s convicting words and the image of his mother’s lifeless body echoed through his mind, over and over.
The blare of sirens crashed through his thoughts and drew his attention toward the rock driveway. The flashing lights from two police cruisers cast eerie shadows on the side of the house as the cars came to a stop behind the fire engine. Two officers leapt out and went into the house. Jamie knew it was protocol to call law enforcement to investigate when someone is found dead on arrival.
Dead on arrival.
His mother’s death.
Jamie’s stomach began to roil and acid again erupted in his throat. Sucking in more deep breaths, he leaned back against the fence.
“Jamie?” Brody stepped out of the shadows. “Are you okay?” He cringed. “That’s a really stupid question.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever be all right again.” Jamie sniffed as tears welled up in his eyes.
“Cindy didn’t mean what she said.” Brody held up his hands as if to calm Jamie. “She’s distraught. She was the first to go to your mother. She had to leave her and run for your father. Mark called nine-one-one, and there was nothing they could do but wait. You happened to be the one to take the brunt of Cindy’s grief. But she didn’t mean it. She’ll apologize to you after she calms down.”
Jamie wiped away a tear and then gripped the fence slat behind him as his body continued to tremble. “She doesn’t need to apologize. She’s right. It is my fault. It’s all my fault.” His could hear his voice growing thin and reedy.
“No, it’s not your fault.” Brody squeezed Jamie’s shoulder. “Right now you can’t see through the thick haze of your grief. It was an accident. Stop blaming yourself.”
“Brody.” Jamie ground out his name. “I was supposed to fix that banister two weeks ago. I kept forgetting, and when Cindy reminded me this morning, I told her not to let my dad and Mark do it. I said I would do it tomorrow. And now it’s too late.”
“But you didn’t plan for this to happen.”
“That doesn’t matter. It happened, and now she’s gone.” Jamie sank down to the ground as the weight of what he’d done settled on his shoulders. “Why didn’t I at least repair that banister the day she told me it needed it? That would have been better than nothing. Then I could have replaced it as soon as I got the materials. Why didn’t I make my mother’s safety a priority?” He covered his face with his hands as he fought back another wave of nausea.
“Jamie?” Noah was here. “What happened? I heard the call come through and got here as soon as I could.”
Jamie shook his head as words stalled in his throat. How could he say the words aloud? His mother was dead. Gone. This had to be some sort of cruel nightmare, but the pain that squeezed at his heart was real and tangible. He braced himself as Brody gave Noah a quick explanation of what happened. Noah gasped.
To avoid his sympathetic expression, Jamie looked across the driveway. A crowd of neighbors had gathered.
“Do you want me to go talk to everyone?” Brody offered.
“Yes.” Jamie’s voice croaked. “Thanks.”
“Call me if you need me.” Brody started across the driveway just as Leon stepped onto the back porch, holding a lantern. Brody met him at the steps and they both began talking to the neighbors.
“Do you want me to leave you alone?” Noah asked.
“No.” Jamie cleared his throat past the thick cold knot forming there. “I need to talk.” He told him about his conversation with Cindy and his mother that morning before he left for his shift. He told him how the accident was all his fault.
Noah blew out a deep gasp of air. “Jamie, I am so sorry. But it’s not your fault.”
“Please. Don’t patronize me.” Jamie rubbed his eyes where the beginning of a migraine pounded. When would he wake up from this nightmare? His thoughts turned to his father and siblings. He was certain the police officers were following procedure and interviewing them to find out exactly what happened. He rubbed his forehead as the pain throbbed, resembling a vice squeezing his brain.
“I’m not trying to patronize you.” Noah’s words were soft and measured. “What happened was God’s will. You know that as well as I do.”
“But I broke a promise to mei mamm, and it ended her life. How can I live with that?”
“Lay your burden’s at God’s feet. He will heal your heart.”
Tears began to well up as he tried to accept Noah’s assurances. But as much as he wanted to believe his friend, the words seemed empty. His life and his family would never be the same without Mamm. How would he ever move on?
TWELVE
Kayla hummed as she took breakfast platters to a couple seated near the front of the restaurant. “Enjoy,” she told them. “And please let me know if you need anything else.”
When the bell on the door announced new customers, she spun and found Brody and Leon waiting, making her smile. This was a surprise. Brody and Leon hadn’t been in since Simeon’s death. Maybe coming had been Jamie’s idea. But her good mood faded as she realized he wasn’t with them.
She hadn’t heard from him since the barn raising more than a week ago. She’d hoped he would come to the restaurant when
he was on duty at the fire station. Honestly, she’d hoped he would visit her at her house, but that was a silly notion. She and Jamie hardly knew each other, and the idea of getting to know him was preposterous. After all, if he liked her he wouldn’t have allowed this much time to pass before making time to see her.
Besides, she wasn’t ready for another relationship. Heat rose to her face as she remembered every time she had to tell someone Abram stood her up again. Still, it would be nice to have Jamie as a friend. And maybe he wasn’t on duty today. She didn’t know his schedule.
“Good morning.” She took two menus from under the stand. “It’s good to see you. How are you doing today?”
Brody and Leon nodded, but she noted neither seemed as friendly as usual.
“Follow me.” She led them to a table. After sharing the specials, she took their drink order and headed to the beverage station. As she headed back with two cups of coffee, she heard Leon mention Dorothy Riehl. Her footsteps slowed.
“I still can’t believe what happened to Jamie’s mother last night,” Leon was saying. “I just talked to her the other day when I saw her at the market. It was such a tragic accident. It feels almost surreal, you know?”
“What did you say?” Kayla’s pulse raced as she set the coffee on the table. “Did something happen to Dorothy?”
Brody and Leon startled at her voice. “Yes.” Brody hesitated. “We actually came to tell your family the news. We got the call last night while Jamie was on duty. His mother fell down their basement steps and broke her neck. She died instantly.”
“What?” Kayla gasped, crossing her hands across her heart. “Dorothy’s dead?”
“Ya.” Leon took a big breath. “She was carrying canned tomatoes down to the basement, and she apparently stumbled and grabbed the banister. It gave way, and she fell over the side. Cindy was in the kitchen and heard her mamm scream. When she got there, it was too late to help her.”
Kayla’s throat dried as a tear trickled down her cheek. She grabbed a handful of napkins from the holder in the center of the table and wiped her face as more tears fell. “Ach, no,” she managed to say. “The family?”
“About what you’d expect.” Brody swiped a finger over his eyes. “We were there until about midnight. They’re all in shock. Viewing will be today and tomorrow, and then the funeral on Saturday.”
“How’s Jamie?”
Leon’s expression was grave. “He’s a mess.”
Grief welled up inside of her as she tried to stop crying. “I’m so sorry to hear this.”
She managed to take their order and then hurried to push through the swinging kitchen doors. She leaned back against a wall and took deep breaths as her mind swirled with concern for Jamie and his family.
“Kayla?” Eva’s voice sounded from nearby. “Was iss letz?”
“Brody is here, and Leon is with him,” Kayla began as her parents and Nathan joined them. “They came to tell us Dorothy Riehl died last night.” She repeated the story of Dorothy’s fall as her family listened with stricken expressions. “Leon said the family is in shock. I just can’t believe it. We just met Dorothy and Jamie’s schweschdere last week. How can she be gone?” Fresh tears came to Kayla’s eyes.
“Ach, no!” Mamm sank into the closest chair. “Dorothy was such a lovely woman. I was looking forward to getting to know her better. What a tragedy.”
“Her poor family.” Eva sniffed. “That’s just so bedauerlich. Losing someone suddenly is incredibly difficult.” She hugged Kayla. “I’m so sorry. When is the funeral? We have to go.”
“Leon said the viewing is today and tomorrow, and the funeral will be Saturday.” Kayla wiped her eyes.
“We’ll close the restaurant a half day tomorrow and Saturday so we can go to both the viewing and funeral,” Dat said. “We’ll cook tonight and take some food. I want to do something nice for the family.” Dat rubbed Mamm’s shoulder. “I really appreciated Jamie’s and Mark’s help at the barn raising. We need to support their family.”
Nathan looked just as upset as the rest of his family. “Was Jamie on duty when the call came in?”
Kayla nodded. “He was.”
Nathan’s shoulders fell. “It was probably terrible for him to respond to an accident at his own haus.”
“My heart goes out to them.” Eva squeezed Kayla’s hand. “We know how hard it is to lose someone you love in a horrible accident.”
The bell on the front door rang and Kayla snapped to attention. She wiped her face with a napkin and tossed it into the trash. She had to get herself together. “We have more customers to seat.”
“I’ll do it.” Eva touched Kayla’s arm. “Do you need a break?”
“No, I’ll be fine.” Kayla pointed toward the coffeepot, then took her notepad out of her pocket. “Here’s Brodie and Leon’s order, Dat. I need to see if any customers need a refill.” Squaring her shoulders, she picked up the coffeepot and left for the dining room.
After Brody and Leon left, Kayla somehow managed to get through the day, even if she was only going through the motions. But more than once she asked God to help her family bring some measure of comfort to their new friends.
The following afternoon Kayla balanced an aluminum foil pan with meat loaf in one hand and smoothed her hand down her black dress with the other. Then she followed her parents and Eva up the back-porch steps of the Riehls’ home. Nathan trailed close behind Kayla with a basket of rolls. Mamm carried a peach pie.
Kayla, Mamm, and Dat had stayed late at the restaurant the night before and made this meal for the Riehl family. Kayla suggested they make a meat loaf since Mark and Jamie had enjoyed it the day the two men came to the restaurant for lunch.
As Kayla walked across the porch toward the back door, she glanced at the long line of buggies stretched along the pasture fence. The azure sky was cloudless, and the sun was bright—a cruel irony on such a sad day.
She gripped the pan as her thoughts turned to Jamie. She’d spent most of the night tossing and turning while contemplating how he and his family were coping after losing Dorothy in such a horrific accident. Staring at the dark ceiling in her bedroom, her mind had replayed Simeon’s visitation and funeral. She could still hear her mother’s and Eva’s sobs as they stood in their family room next to her brother’s coffin, doing their best to greet members of the community who had come to pay their last respects. Today was the Riehl family’s turn to endure a similar tragic event.
Kayla begged God to give her both the strength and right words to comfort Jamie and his family.
She followed her parents and Eva through the mudroom and into the kitchen, where they found a sea of unfamiliar faces. A low murmur of voices filled the air as she surveyed the counters, already clogged with food for the family. The aroma of offerings such as chili, baked chicken, and freshly baked bread overpowered Kayla’s senses as Mamm moved two serving platters aside to make room for their contributions. Kayla set her pan next to Mamm’s and then looked around for members of the Riehl family.
The kitchen was hot and stuffy despite the open windows. Junior squirmed and moaned in Dat’s arms and then reached for Eva, who took him and held him close despite the heat. Kayla followed her parents through the doorway to the family room—also hot, stuffy, and full of people.
A middle-aged man stood at the far end of the room between Mark and Cindy. Kayla assumed he was Vernon Riehl. Next to them was the open casket. Kayla slipped closer and thought Dorothy appeared as if she were sleeping soundly. She clutched her chest and bit her lower lip, quickly dismissing more unbidden memories of her brother’s visitation and turning her focus back on Dorothy’s husband. Although his hair was a lighter brown than Jamie’s, the family resemblance was plain. He had the same striking blue eyes.
Her breath caught in her throat as she took in the sadness etched in the man’s pale face. His eyes were red and puffy as he shook an elderly man’s hand. Mark’s eyes looked the same as he nodded and listened to an elderly woman. Ci
ndy gripped her father’s arm. She resembled a frightened little girl, not a young woman.
Kayla blinked against threatening tears as she scanned the crowd for Jamie. Where could he be? The line of mourners waiting to talk to Mark and his father snaked around the room. She and her family took their places at the end of the line, but Kayla was determined to find Jamie. She peered across the room through the open windows. People were sitting on the front porch. She touched Nathan’s arm. “I’m going to look for Jamie.”
Nathan nodded. “All right. But I want to talk to Mark. He was really nice to me the day of the barn raising.”
Kayla wove through the crowd, nodding at those who greeted her, and then slipped out the screen door to the front porch. Laura sat on a swing beside Rudy. A couple who also looked to be in their mid-twenties sat on rockers beside them.
“Kayla!” Laura leapt to her feet and pulled Kayla against her for a tight hug. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Oh, Laura.” Kayla’s vision blurred as she held on to her. “I’m so sorry. Brody and Leon came to the restaurant yesterday and told us what happened.”
“Danki.” Laura gestured to the young man on the swing. “Kayla, you remember Rudy.” She gestured toward the couple. “This is my best freind, Savilla Lambert, and her husband, Allen.”
“Hi.” Savilla gave her a little wave. Kayla noted she looked at least six months pregnant.
“Hello.” Allen gripped Savilla’s hand.
Kayla nodded before turning back to Laura. “I’ve been thinking of you all since Brody and Leon told us. I just can’t believe it.”
“I know.” Laura wiped her eyes. “I had spent the day with Savilla. We did some shopping and then sewing for her boppli. I invited Cindy to come with me, but she wanted to stay home and help Mamm can.” Her voice quaked. “I got home just after it happened. I keep thinking if I had been here, maybe—” She choked on a sob and Rudy jumped to his feet.
“Ach, Laura.” He pulled her against his chest. “You couldn’t have done anything. Stop blaming yourself.”