by Robyn Carr
“It wasn’t simply impulse,” she argued.
“Wasn’t it?”
She thought for a moment. She started another quick denial and then remembered some other things. There was servant’s garb to conceal her identity from her own bridegroom, wild rides to free herself of pent-up tension, following Chad into the night to catch a glimpse of his mistress. Most of what she had done had been impulsive.
“I suppose,” she sighed.
“And that’s a thing you’re going to have to give up. You have a brain; use it. You can find a good sense of reason in that mind of yours if you try. Rash impulses such as this will never help you to find happiness here.”
“And going with you now...is a rash impulse.”
“Perhaps, but it’s too late now. The choice is no longer yours.”
The coach halted and John led her up a dark stairway to a second-floor room. “Humble” was a kind word for his dwelling. The room was bare but for a small table, chair and bed. A few of his belongings were stacked against the wall and the tabletop was cluttered with papers that he quickly rolled up and put from her sight. Though bare, it was scrubbed clean and had an odor much like what she remembered from when the cook house was cleaned at Welby Manor. She shivered again and John was quick to start a fire in a small and inadequate stove. He left her for a short time and she huddled near that strange creature to absorb any heat she might, wondering all the while what insane notion had led her here. There was only the single resting place and they could not share it without a great deal of physical contact.
But then that was what she expected, she thought dryly. She could try to tell herself she didn’t want anything to happen, but it would be a lie. She had wanted something like that to happen for a very long time.
He brought her a hot drink from somewhere below, a milky concoction with a strong odor and a pleasant taste. She wrapped her hands around the mug and sipped, watching him move around the room, removing his cloak and putting things away. She wondered again why she was comfortable in this man’s presence.
“Are you warmer now?” he asked.
“Yes,” she murmured, taking another sip of her drink. “Did I remember to thank you?”
“But I must thank you, my lady. You see, it was coincidence that I saw your trouble, but it was not coincidence that I helped. Even in your first plight a few months ago I lent aid only because I knew who you were. It was the same tonight. There are no gallant strangers in this city looking for three-to-one fights to save a beautiful maiden. And my purpose is purely selfish. In helping you, getting you here, I find a means to solve some of my own problems. I confess I’ve known your husband for many years. You are not a stranger to me at all.”
“You know Chad?”
“Aye, very well.”
“And you were silent! Why have you led me so?”
He shrugged. “It’s a friendship neither of us cares to acknowledge.”
“Then you are his friend?”
“We were. Before tonight.”
“What has happened?”
“I have his wife in my room. For all he knows, in my bed.”
“Do you think he would care?” she laughed. “He won’t even have to know. There will be no suit against you, my friend, for you have shown me only kindness. There is no need to tell him where I had the night. I’ll take a coach in the morning and never confess the truth.”
“Oh?” He grinned mischievously.
She gulped. “That is...if there is...oh, please! I think you’re trying to frighten me!”
“Perhaps I am. You’re a foolish little minx, you know. Had I not seen you, you would likely be floating in the Thames right now.”
“I’ve already heard your lectures and I cede your victory,” she said with a pout.
“I’ll make you a gift, my lady,” he said, reaching down into his boot. He pulled out the pearl-handled knife and held it toward her. She couldn’t help remembering that little weapon. “I trust you can carry this somewhere and if need be, use it.”
She looked away from it, mumbling, “I don’t expect myself in that position again.”
“Just in that event,” he advised. “I want you to have it. I’ll collect it back from you someday...when you’ve put your affairs in order.”
“I doubt that day shall ever come,” she sighed wearily. There was a moment of silence and the flicker of a memory across her eyes. “Do you know, there was a time when he was kind to me. When first we met he thought me to be one of my own servants. He pursued me. Seduced me. He tried to make love to me on a grassy knoll away from all eyes. Had I not known who he was I would have clawed him, but I loved him instantly.”
“Now that sounds more like the Chad I know,” John laughed.
“But now I only play hostess for him, seeing to his needs, managing his home and watching him play with another.”
“You’re so young,” John sighed. “Chelynne, has it never occurred to you that he has a very good reason for his behavior?”
“I can think of none. I would gladly share his burdens.”
“And if that is not what he wants? Maybe it is in your best interests and his to keep you a great distance from those burdens. He is not a common farmer, darling. He is an earl. He does not play at planting and harvest, letting his lord make his decisions. He plays at political games in which death is not an uncommon reward. Didn’t he ever tell you that he has important business?”
“Aye, he did. Is he in danger?”
John laughed. He folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the small table. “Just a while ago you claimed to love him no longer. Why do you fear for him?”
“John, don’t play games with me! Is he in danger?”
“That, sweetheart, is a constant possibility when a man is not careful. The business at hand is indeed dangerous. I think the wisest thing he’s done in his life is to keep you far from it. And you don’t even realize that you’re lucky.”
“But I’ve an interest in his business. It could at least help me to understand. But that is not so important; it is his attention I would have.” Then more softly, “Some small bit of it.”
“Yes, well, I have a great deal of respect for the man, but sometimes he is not the wisest I know. But I will tell you something and trust you to think on it carefully. He is a good man, kind and fair, but I do not know of one more dangerous in battle. He is strong and brilliant, though a little shortsighted in affairs of the heart. But then, there is good reason for that as well.”
“You make him sound quite unlike the forgetful and indifferent man I live with,” she sighed.
“I believe his indifference to be a conscious thing. It must be because of his strength of will. If he desired you gone, you would be. That he keeps you here is evidence enough that he wants you near.”
“For what purpose?”
“Chelynne, I don’t know the man’s very mind. I suggest you calm your suspicions and fears and let him settle his affairs. I think in all good time you will be glad that you did. And for God’s sake, stop jumping to so many conclusions! I know you’re young and it’s frightening to think of a lifetime of such discomfort...but I strongly doubt that it’s forever. Give the man some support. Put your loyalty in your husband, if not for love, for duty.”
“I’d have more future in loving a mule,” she murmured dispassionately.
“Chelynne, whatever happens, put your faith in Chad. Remember that I told you that. And no matter what, I promise that one day I will come to you and beg your forgiveness for whatever pains you’ve endured because of me. Please,” he said, tapping her lightly on her head. “Whatever foolishness goes through there, remember that I promised, no matter what.”
She nodded, though she was bitterly confused. He threw an arm wide, indicating the bed. “There’s only itself there,” he said with a smile. She blanched, not quite ready for all that was happening. “Come now, I’m not going to hurt you, we’ll simply rest. But I’m afraid you’ll have to disarm your
self a bit.”
She cocked her head, wondering what he meant, and then with a small laugh she realized. There were heavy pins in her hair, great layers of her gown, the bone busk and other unnecessary raiment. The procedure of freeing herself took nearly as long as the coach ride had. John couldn’t help chuckling at the many unnecessary stays, ties and hooks. He found he had to help her with many of the fastenings and there was no way for her to lift the heavy gown over her head without the strength of his arms. When at long last she was down to the simple chemise, bereft of starched petticoats and busk, his eyes warmed at the sheer petite beauty of her.
While she sat on the edge of the bed he pulled off the dirty slippers that told of a flight down a dark, muddy street. She put her fingers to the task of untying the garters that held up her stockings and his eyes were glued to that sight. When he looked up into her face she smiled.
“Do you seduce me, John?”
He sighed, then took a seat beside her on the bed and pulled off his boots. “It is as much the other way around,” he muttered. He pulled off the leather jerkin next and his linen shirt followed it to the pile on the floor. He looked at her and shrugged. “You’ll never believe me if I tell you—” He stopped, looked her over again, and let out a deep sigh. “Come, love, there’s no help for it.”
She was pulled down beside him on the bed and neither of them stirred. She did not think her simple shift and his breeches protection but neither did she feel threatened. When he finally pulled her into his embrace it was carefully, gently, and she snuggled against him in comfort.
She shuddered slightly as his hands began to touch and caress, but he calmed her with soft words. “I’ll not hurt you, darling.” His hands moved over her with more serious intent, and she was sure beyond a doubt that her maidenhood would end here. She was pleased with the sensations he evoked in her and she reached out to touch him, to reciprocate, but he stopped her abruptly and bade her not touch him again. A groan came from somewhere deep within him as he continued to bathe her in delicious ministrations. By the light of a single candle she could see his features hard, his jaw tight and eyes clamped shut.
Worry tensed her, for though the decision had been made in her own mind to explore this desire she had so frequently felt, she had no idea what she should be doing. She moaned in her own confusion and he silenced her with his mouth. His touches sparked excitement in her she had never before known and all reason was lost. It was that same wave of desire that plagued her dreams, the same quickness that crept over her when Chad was too near. And now with the contact, it was out of control. Every place his fingertips tested tingled and then burned. She was writhing and turning in his embrace and he became rougher, more determined. She could not fathom where he was leading her but earnestly hoped they would soon arrive.
Her ignorance played against her. He had not disrobed; his weight didn’t press her down or hold her. She cried out in exquisite agony as all at once something exploded inside of her, her world going instantly black and dragging her under a heavy curtain of blinding pleasure.
She drifted back slowly, her confusion dulled only by the magnificence of the moment. She turned to look at him. His expression was serious and calm, and he gently kissed her lips. Her mouth formed a silent question.
“Shhh,” he whispered. “Don’t think about it now.”
“But why?”
He shrugged and pulled her closer to him. “That was the thing you’ve wondered about, darling. That was the most immediate problem.”
“But there’s more...I know there’s more...”
John groaned. “Aye, a great deal more, but not for me. You are not mine.”
“I am more yours than anyone else’s,” she murmured.
He gave a short, unpleasant laugh. “That will be remedied.”
“Does this mean you love me?” she asked timidly.
“No, darling. I don’t love you. And neither do you love me. This has nothing to do with love. This is nature, that’s all. Love is separate. The true joy is when the two can come together.”
“Only a common whore would—”
“Neither that, Chelynne. I wanted to pleasure you.”
“And you?”
“A kind of misery I could never expect you to understand.” He laughed ruefully. “Such an unselfish bastard am I.”
“What am I to do now?” she asked with a sob in her voice.
“Nothing.”
“We just go our separate ways? As if nothing—”
His face was above hers, his features sharp and strained, his voice gruff though he spoke in a whisper. “There is nothing binding in this. Bonds come from the heart, Chelynne, not from a simple touch. Let this teach you. The easing of that need is a simple thing. Love is a great deal more complicated.”
Every inch of her being was undone. To be so careless, so casual with this emotion that seemed almost sacred; it was beyond her comprehension. How removed he was, how uninvolved. “Better I should not have known,” she murmured.
“Don’t worry with it, love. It’s not going to happen again. From now Chad would not allow us in the same room together and it is certain he will be keeping a closer eye to you.”
“He won’t even know,” she huffed, turning away from him.
“He will know,” John returned, gently touching her hair.
“He wouldn’t care if he did,” she said dejectedly.
“You’re wrong, darling. For this he will kill me.”
THIRTEEN
A bright morning sun brought Chelynne out of her sleep. The sight of the little room and the memory of what had taken place there made her shudder. There was such a look of poverty about it that she winced at the thought of herself in this atmosphere, in this bed. John was just a few paces away, scraping off his whiskers in front of an old, cracked mirror.
Her entire body burned with fear and shame. How could she placate Stella? And if he should ask, what would she tell Chadwick? What had she been thinking of? She was totally humiliated and then she thought of John’s confession, his friendship with her husband. She sat up with a gasp.
“Good morning,” he said brightly as he turned toward her.
“I’ve got to be out of here,” she declared, bounding out of the bed.
“Get dressed, then, and I’ll see you home.”
“Are you mad? I’ll see myself home and I don’t wish to see you again. Stay clear of me, d’ye hear? I don’t care what trouble I’m in, don’t come near me...not to save me, not for anything...” As she ranted she was frantically collecting her garments, every burdensome layer and every starched piece. Her hands shook as she sought to fasten the many little ties and hooks and bows. She finally achieved some measure of her dressing and had come to the gown, the heavy velvet burdened with far too many fastenings.
John noticed her trouble in catching every one and brushed her hands aside to give assist. “I won’t be seeing you after today, countess. Later, someday when all is well with you and you’re bearing your first little lord, mayhaps then I shall pay a visit.”
“You’re insane,” she murmured. She shook her head and grabbed for her cloak, which hung on a peg near the door. “I can’t make any sense of you at all, talking in your riddles. I can’t imagine why I’ve—”
“It won’t make any difference now,” he laughed. “It’s done and I’m taking you home. I think perhaps the earl will keep a closer eye on you from now.”
“He’ll have to have mighty good eyes,” she huffed. “This entire city is in a state of lunacy and before I have any more reason to wish myself dead I’m going to the country, whether or not His Lordship approves.” She had succeeded in fastening her cloak and pulled on her gloves. With a shudder she thought aloud, “Damn, I’ve no vizard.”
“No matter, countess. No one will recognize you on this side of town. Let’s go.”
“You are mad!”
“Let’s go. I’m taking you home.”
“I’ll take myself home! You can’t
possibly be foolish enough to let yourself be seen with me! Now?”
“I’m going with you,” he said slowly. There was a hardness to his blue eyes that froze her for a moment. His usually grinning face was taut and determined. She watched dumbly as he pulled on his coat and took her arm to lead her out.
On the street she saw a coach waiting, evidence that he had been most deliberate in his plan. He must have left her when she was still asleep and either sent someone off to fetch it or gone for it himself. The entire journey was one long argument in which she pleaded with him to stop and get out, leaving her alone to explain her absence as she would.
“If not for yourself, then for me, do not face my husband. I couldn’t bear the humiliation of being delivered home like a naughty child.”
“But that’s exactly what you are.”
“How dare you!”
“How dare I? My sensuous little kitten, ready and willing to place yourself trustingly in any hands that can deliver you pleasure. You’ve played the game with the gallants and complain of your husband’s lack of interest. His husbandly virtues are condemned and I have yet to see wifely talents from you.”
“How cruel,” she gasped, looking into the fire of his hard blue eyes in wonder.
“Not so cruel. Honest. Go home now and act better the wife. You put your trust and confidence in a total stranger and ridicule that man who supports and cares for you.”
“You don’t understand,” she cried with unrestrained fury.
“I understand better than you think. I understand that you are a spoiled and ungrateful child, pouting and fussing whenever the situation does not please you. Do you think you’re the only grande dame who puts up with a less than perfect husband? Do you think that in marriages that are arranged there is instantaneous love and devotion? Why don’t you try accepting your circumstances, and instead of criticizing his every move, give your husband some wifely support?”